Twenty-Nine

We beat Tawny to the hearing, but my mom was there. She grabbed me and pulled me into a hug before I could even say anything.

“Thank you for coming, Hunter. You don’t know how good it makes me feel to know that she has someone to support her when I can’t be there.”

“Thank you, Blaire.”

Mom checked her watch. “I swear, your sister would be late to her own funeral.” Two seconds later, Tawny came dashing in, hopping on one foot so she could adjust her heel that had slipped off.

“I’m here, I’m here. You all know I’m always late.”

“We do,” Mom and I said. 

There were other people milling around, and I saw Mr. Woodward. There was a man talking with him, and I clutched Hunter’s hand tighter.

“Mom? Did you invite him?”

“Your father has every right to be here, Kid.”

Dad looked up and met my eyes. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year. He looked older, wearier. I found my features in his face, and it was shocking how much I looked like him. I’d never noticed how much.

“That’s your dad?” Hunter whispered in my ear.

“Yeah.”

“You have his nose.”

“I’m aware.”

Dad walked over slowly, as if he couldn’t believe I was here. He was all dressed up in a snappy suit. I hadn’t seen him in a suit in years and years.

“Hey, Kid.”

“Hey, Dad.” He was the first one in our family to start calling me that. Hunter tried to let go of my hand, but I wouldn’t let him.

“You look so grown up.”

“Yeah, that’s bound to happen.”

“How are you? I’ve tried calling, but —“ he shrugged. 

“I’ve been busy with school and stuff.”

“Hey, Dad,” Tawny said, coming and giving him a hug. They had a much closer relationship and talked on a regular basis.

“Hey, Tawn. You doing okay?”

“I just want to get this over with.”

“You’re going to do great. Both of you.” He looked back at me, and I saw his eyes flick over Hunter. Damn, I was going to have to introduce them.

“Dad, this is Hunter. Hunter, Dad.”

They shook hands and exchanged the normal dad-meets-boyfriend stuff. It was about to get awkward when Mr. Woodward said they were going to seat us.

“More than the stars,” Hunter said, giving me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be waiting. Give him hell.”

“I will.”

Our hands parted and I had to turn to walk away from him. I took one last look over my shoulder, holding up the necklace he’d given me to show him that he was coming with me, even if he couldn’t physically be there.

Walking into the courthouse was like stepping through the looking glass into another space and time. I felt twelve again, only that time I’d been holding my mother’s hand in one of mine and my father’s in the other.

Tawny walked behind me this time, Mom in front and Dad bringing up the rear.

The wooden benches were the same; the long, tall frosted windows were the same. The creak in the ancient floor was the same.

I saw Travis’ mother, brother and stepfather already seated on his side of the courtroom, along with a girl I didn’t recognize. His lawyer was there, but not Travis. Five people were seated in the jury box, so that must be the parole board.

There were other people there, and I assumed they were also part of the proceedings. A gentle hum of talking filled the room, but it might as well have been yelling. Tawny had to poke at me to get me to keep walking. 

I sat down on the wooden bench that had probably supported thousands of butts in its lifetime. I tried to think, but my head was blank. Tawny sat next to me, and took my hand, digging her nail into my palm.

“Hey,” she said.

“I’m here.”

“Good. He’s nothing. He can’t hurt you, or me. He’s never going to hurt anyone again, understand? You just have to tell them our story.”

“Okay.”

A side door opened and Travis came in. I heard a sharp intake of breath from Tawny. Or maybe it was me. 

The man who walked into the courtroom wasn’t the same teenage boy who had nearly raped me and my sister. 

This man was older, thinner, and had a hollow, unhealthy look to him. He looked much dirtier, too. Travis had always been well-manscaped back then.

The warden announced that the hearing was about to start, and I braced myself. I knew it was going to be a long time before we were allowed to speak. Part of me wished they had let us sit outside, brought us in to speak and then took us out again.

Travis turned his head and looked at me. I met his eyes and held them. Well, one thing hadn’t changed. There was still nothing behind them. Just emptiness. The same emptiness I’d seen that night that felt like yesterday and thousands of years ago at once.

With that, I checked out of the courtroom. There were interviews with Travis’ family, with them talking about how he was sorry for what he had done, and he had a plan for his life and so forth. The strange girl turned out to be his girlfriend, who cried and carried on about God knows what. His lawyer spoke, and the superintendent of the prison spoke, and it was all talking, talking, talking.

I heard none of it.

I was thinking about waking up in Hunter’s arms. I was thinking about making wedding plans with Megan. I was thinking about dancing the night away with Darah and Renee. I was thinking about shopping with Tawny. 

I filled my head with beautiful things so the ugly things were pushed aside. 

And then, it was time for us to speak. Tawny went first, and I tuned back in to listen.

“I don’t have much to say, so I’m going to keep this short, but not sweet. I don’t do sweet. I haven’t done sweet since this… animal, tried to have his way with me, and then when my baby sister saw us and tried to help me, he went after her. This person — I don’t call him a man, because no man would ever do that to a woman — tried to rape me and then my baby sister. My baby sister. Think about that. He tried to rape a child. He doesn’t deserve to get out early, no matter what he tells you. He’s a proven liar and hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. Travis,” she said, turning to stare directly at him, “from this day forward, for the rest of my life, I will never think of you again. You don’t deserve space in my mind. I’m going to forget you, because you deserve to be forgotten. What was your name again? Thank you.” She sat back down, and I could feel her shaking. I grabbed her hand and she gave me a little hug.

“Your turn, Kid. Knock ‘em dead.”

I got to my feet and nearly stumbled trying to make my way around everyone’s feet to get to the podium. Or was it a lectern? Stop it, brain. 

I unfolded my paper and cleared my throat. The words swum in front of me and suddenly I couldn’t read. I reached down and took hold of Hunter’s necklace. I stared at each person on the parole board. Three women, two men. I had to make them understand.

More than the stars.

“When I was twelve, I was nearly raped by that man, Travis Moore. He told me he would kill me if I ever told. Well, I’m still alive, and I’m telling you now. Travis Moore tried to rape me, and my sister. While rape may not seem as serious a crime as murder, in a way he is a murderer. He killed the happy girl I once was.” I paused and pulled out a photograph of me, taken when I was twelve. I had a huge grin on my face as my dad tickled me. Mom had snapped it only a few months before it had happened.

“Do you see this girl? She’s gone. Travis killed her. When that girl died, a new one was born. An angry, bitter person who was afraid of every single man she ever saw. Afraid that around every corner an attacker lurked. Afraid to give my heart to anyone for fear that they would hurt me. I have spent countless hours in therapy and broken probably thousands of dollars of china, furniture and a computer because of that thing there. But you know what? I’m not afraid of you anymore. You don’t haunt my dreams.” I was shaking, but I turned to face Travis, just like Tawny.

“I’ve found someone to love me, despite becoming that angry, bitter girl. He reminds me that I am the girl I once was, and together, he’s helping me heal what you broke on that night. Like Tawny, from this day forward, I will not think your name, I will not picture your face and I will erase you from my life. You no longer have any power over me. You no longer have any power over my ability to love. You know what? Love is so much more powerful than hate. I used to hate you, but it’s so much easier to love. And that’s something you will never understand.” His empty eyes stared into me, but I didn’t care. A strange sort of power had taken over me and I nearly smiled at him.

“I hope that by sharing my story, I can give you a window into what this person is really like. Would you let someone free who had done this to your daughters? Your sisters? Your nieces? Consider if I were your daughter. What would you do? I ask you to consider this as you make your decision. Thank you.”

The room was silent, except for a cough and an excuse me from Travis’ lawyer.

“You rocked it hard, Kid,” Tawny said.

I floated on a cloud of victory for the rest of the hearing. I even glanced at him a few times, but he didn’t meet my eyes again. Suck on that.

The board went out to deliberate, but they didn’t call it that. We were all excused and I went for the door as fast as I could. I wanted to see Hunter. 

What met me wasn’t just Hunter. It was Hunter and Megan and Darah and Renee and Paul and Mase.

“What are you doing here?” I said, stopping in my tracks.

“We’re here to support you, Missy. Why else would we be here?” Hunter held his arms open, and I flung myself into them.

“I freaking love you, Hunter Aaron Zaccadelli.”

“I love you too, Taylor Elizabeth Caldwell.”

 I breathed him in and never wanted to let him go. 

I finally pulled away, but kept both of his hands in mine. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“You’re writing me a note so I can get out of lab, by the way,” Renee said. “I’m missing castrating a rat for this.” She sounded upset.

“You’re welcome?”

“Be nice, Ne,” Paul said, his voice all full of mucus. He looked like shit and probably felt worse, but he was here.

“What? I was looking forward to that lab. But you’re more important, Tay,” Renee said.

“Don’t mind her,” Darah said.

“I don’t normally.”

“Some of your friends, Taylor?” Mom said.

“Yeah, you met Hunter, and this is Darah and Renee and Paul and Hunter’s Cousin, Mase. And you already know Megan.” They’d met when I’d brought her home to hang out one weekend so I could get off campus and she could get away from the dudes in her apartment.

“Hey, Blaire,” Megan said, giving her a hug. “Jake would have been here, but he had an exam he couldn’t get out of. He tried really hard.”

“That’s okay. It’s more than enough that you’re here,” I said.

“Nice to see you again. It’s been a while,” Mom said.

I wanted to tell Mom about Meg’s engagement, but I didn’t have the proper venue. Hunter put his arms around me from behind and his chin on my head.

“So are you done?” Renee said.

“Yes. I got up and talked and I didn’t pass out. I just hope they believe me.”

“She was awesome,” Tawny said.

“So were you,” I said.

 Hunter let go of me so I could give her a hug, which turned into me hugging everyone and then us all having a huge group hug that made us all laugh. I really wanted to cry instead. 

They were all here for me and my family. I hadn’t even asked them, and they’d come running. Somehow, even though I was bitter and angry, these people had decided I was worthy of their love. Either they were willing to look past all that, or maybe I wasn’t as fucked up as I thought.

Or maybe it was a bit of both.

“So how long are they going to take to decide?” Paul said.

“No idea. I guess we just wait and see,” I said. 

“Why don’t we go down the hall? There’s a waiting room if you all want to make yourselves comfortable,” Mr. Woodward said, subtly telling us to get the hell out of the hallway.

We all went to the waiting room, and it was like the day had somehow turned into a party. I had to introduce Dad to everyone, and I even let him give me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“I’m so proud of you,” he said.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You should come down and see me on your break. I’ve got a great little nook that would be great to read in. You could bring Hunter, if you wanted.” I looked up to tell him that I was busy, and that I’d consider it, but his face was so hopeful that I couldn’t.

“Sure, Dad. It’s a plan.”

“I love you, Kid.”

“Love you, too.” I hadn’t said those words to my father in at least five years. They felt right.

We spent the next two hours waiting and talking. We were all starving, but didn’t think it would be appropriate to bring in food. We did agree that afterward we were all going to that diner I’d been to with Hunter and pancakes were in order. No matter what happened.

In all honesty, when I really thought about it, I didn’t care if they let him out. He couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was a revelation that had taken so many years, but only a moment to come to. I’d made my secret and him into this big impossible thing I could never conquer.

But I’d conquered it. I was done being a victim. It was time for me to take charge and live my life instead of letting something that had happened to me lead it for me. So many people had told me the same thing, hundreds of times. It was something I had to learn for myself. 

A clerk finally came and told us that they were ready.

When we walked back into the courtroom for the decision, I held my head high and kept a smile on my face. Outside that room was a whole wonderful world I couldn’t wait to be a part of again. And pancakes. I really wanted some pancakes.

I held Tawny’s hand as we waited for the board to announce its decision. One of the board members, a woman with sleek black hair and a stern set of glasses, got up and I held my breath.

Twenty-Nine

We beat Tawny to the hearing, but my mom was there. She grabbed me and pulled me into a hug before I could even say anything.

“Thank you for coming, Hunter. You don’t know how good it makes me feel to know that she has someone to support her when I can’t be there.”

“Thank you, Blaire.”

Mom checked her watch. “I swear, your sister would be late to her own funeral.” Two seconds later, Tawny came dashing in, hopping on one foot so she could adjust her heel that had slipped off.

“I’m here, I’m here. You all know I’m always late.”

“We do,” Mom and I said. 

There were other people milling around, and I saw Mr. Woodward. There was a man talking with him, and I clutched Hunter’s hand tighter.

“Mom? Did you invite him?”

“Your father has every right to be here, Kid.”

Dad looked up and met my eyes. I hadn’t seen him in almost a year. He looked older, wearier. I found my features in his face, and it was shocking how much I looked like him. I’d never noticed how much.

“That’s your dad?” Hunter whispered in my ear.

“Yeah.”

“You have his nose.”

“I’m aware.”

Dad walked over slowly, as if he couldn’t believe I was here. He was all dressed up in a snappy suit. I hadn’t seen him in a suit in years and years.

“Hey, Kid.”

“Hey, Dad.” He was the first one in our family to start calling me that. Hunter tried to let go of my hand, but I wouldn’t let him.

“You look so grown up.”

“Yeah, that’s bound to happen.”

“How are you? I’ve tried calling, but —“ he shrugged. 

“I’ve been busy with school and stuff.”

“Hey, Dad,” Tawny said, coming and giving him a hug. They had a much closer relationship and talked on a regular basis.

“Hey, Tawn. You doing okay?”

“I just want to get this over with.”

“You’re going to do great. Both of you.” He looked back at me, and I saw his eyes flick over Hunter. Damn, I was going to have to introduce them.

“Dad, this is Hunter. Hunter, Dad.”

They shook hands and exchanged the normal dad-meets-boyfriend stuff. It was about to get awkward when Mr. Woodward said they were going to seat us.

“More than the stars,” Hunter said, giving me a kiss on the forehead. “I’ll be waiting. Give him hell.”

“I will.”

Our hands parted and I had to turn to walk away from him. I took one last look over my shoulder, holding up the necklace he’d given me to show him that he was coming with me, even if he couldn’t physically be there.

Walking into the courthouse was like stepping through the looking glass into another space and time. I felt twelve again, only that time I’d been holding my mother’s hand in one of mine and my father’s in the other.

Tawny walked behind me this time, Mom in front and Dad bringing up the rear.

The wooden benches were the same; the long, tall frosted windows were the same. The creak in the ancient floor was the same.

I saw Travis’ mother, brother and stepfather already seated on his side of the courtroom, along with a girl I didn’t recognize. His lawyer was there, but not Travis. Five people were seated in the jury box, so that must be the parole board.

There were other people there, and I assumed they were also part of the proceedings. A gentle hum of talking filled the room, but it might as well have been yelling. Tawny had to poke at me to get me to keep walking. 

I sat down on the wooden bench that had probably supported thousands of butts in its lifetime. I tried to think, but my head was blank. Tawny sat next to me, and took my hand, digging her nail into my palm.

“Hey,” she said.

“I’m here.”

“Good. He’s nothing. He can’t hurt you, or me. He’s never going to hurt anyone again, understand? You just have to tell them our story.”

“Okay.”

A side door opened and Travis came in. I heard a sharp intake of breath from Tawny. Or maybe it was me. 

The man who walked into the courtroom wasn’t the same teenage boy who had nearly raped me and my sister. 

This man was older, thinner, and had a hollow, unhealthy look to him. He looked much dirtier, too. Travis had always been well-manscaped back then.

The warden announced that the hearing was about to start, and I braced myself. I knew it was going to be a long time before we were allowed to speak. Part of me wished they had let us sit outside, brought us in to speak and then took us out again.

Travis turned his head and looked at me. I met his eyes and held them. Well, one thing hadn’t changed. There was still nothing behind them. Just emptiness. The same emptiness I’d seen that night that felt like yesterday and thousands of years ago at once.

With that, I checked out of the courtroom. There were interviews with Travis’ family, with them talking about how he was sorry for what he had done, and he had a plan for his life and so forth. The strange girl turned out to be his girlfriend, who cried and carried on about God knows what. His lawyer spoke, and the superintendent of the prison spoke, and it was all talking, talking, talking.

I heard none of it.

I was thinking about waking up in Hunter’s arms. I was thinking about making wedding plans with Megan. I was thinking about dancing the night away with Darah and Renee. I was thinking about shopping with Tawny. 

I filled my head with beautiful things so the ugly things were pushed aside. 

And then, it was time for us to speak. Tawny went first, and I tuned back in to listen.

“I don’t have much to say, so I’m going to keep this short, but not sweet. I don’t do sweet. I haven’t done sweet since this… animal, tried to have his way with me, and then when my baby sister saw us and tried to help me, he went after her. This person — I don’t call him a man, because no man would ever do that to a woman — tried to rape me and then my baby sister. My baby sister. Think about that. He tried to rape a child. He doesn’t deserve to get out early, no matter what he tells you. He’s a proven liar and hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. Travis,” she said, turning to stare directly at him, “from this day forward, for the rest of my life, I will never think of you again. You don’t deserve space in my mind. I’m going to forget you, because you deserve to be forgotten. What was your name again? Thank you.” She sat back down, and I could feel her shaking. I grabbed her hand and she gave me a little hug.

“Your turn, Kid. Knock ‘em dead.”

I got to my feet and nearly stumbled trying to make my way around everyone’s feet to get to the podium. Or was it a lectern? Stop it, brain. 

I unfolded my paper and cleared my throat. The words swum in front of me and suddenly I couldn’t read. I reached down and took hold of Hunter’s necklace. I stared at each person on the parole board. Three women, two men. I had to make them understand.

More than the stars.

“When I was twelve, I was nearly raped by that man, Travis Moore. He told me he would kill me if I ever told. Well, I’m still alive, and I’m telling you now. Travis Moore tried to rape me, and my sister. While rape may not seem as serious a crime as murder, in a way he is a murderer. He killed the happy girl I once was.” I paused and pulled out a photograph of me, taken when I was twelve. I had a huge grin on my face as my dad tickled me. Mom had snapped it only a few months before it had happened.

“Do you see this girl? She’s gone. Travis killed her. When that girl died, a new one was born. An angry, bitter person who was afraid of every single man she ever saw. Afraid that around every corner an attacker lurked. Afraid to give my heart to anyone for fear that they would hurt me. I have spent countless hours in therapy and broken probably thousands of dollars of china, furniture and a computer because of that thing there. But you know what? I’m not afraid of you anymore. You don’t haunt my dreams.” I was shaking, but I turned to face Travis, just like Tawny.

“I’ve found someone to love me, despite becoming that angry, bitter girl. He reminds me that I am the girl I once was, and together, he’s helping me heal what you broke on that night. Like Tawny, from this day forward, I will not think your name, I will not picture your face and I will erase you from my life. You no longer have any power over me. You no longer have any power over my ability to love. You know what? Love is so much more powerful than hate. I used to hate you, but it’s so much easier to love. And that’s something you will never understand.” His empty eyes stared into me, but I didn’t care. A strange sort of power had taken over me and I nearly smiled at him.

“I hope that by sharing my story, I can give you a window into what this person is really like. Would you let someone free who had done this to your daughters? Your sisters? Your nieces? Consider if I were your daughter. What would you do? I ask you to consider this as you make your decision. Thank you.”

The room was silent, except for a cough and an excuse me from Travis’ lawyer.

“You rocked it hard, Kid,” Tawny said.

I floated on a cloud of victory for the rest of the hearing. I even glanced at him a few times, but he didn’t meet my eyes again. Suck on that.

The board went out to deliberate, but they didn’t call it that. We were all excused and I went for the door as fast as I could. I wanted to see Hunter. 

What met me wasn’t just Hunter. It was Hunter and Megan and Darah and Renee and Paul and Mase.

“What are you doing here?” I said, stopping in my tracks.

“We’re here to support you, Missy. Why else would we be here?” Hunter held his arms open, and I flung myself into them.

“I freaking love you, Hunter Aaron Zaccadelli.”

“I love you too, Taylor Elizabeth Caldwell.”

 I breathed him in and never wanted to let him go. 

I finally pulled away, but kept both of his hands in mine. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“You’re writing me a note so I can get out of lab, by the way,” Renee said. “I’m missing castrating a rat for this.” She sounded upset.

“You’re welcome?”

“Be nice, Ne,” Paul said, his voice all full of mucus. He looked like shit and probably felt worse, but he was here.

“What? I was looking forward to that lab. But you’re more important, Tay,” Renee said.

“Don’t mind her,” Darah said.

“I don’t normally.”

“Some of your friends, Taylor?” Mom said.

“Yeah, you met Hunter, and this is Darah and Renee and Paul and Hunter’s Cousin, Mase. And you already know Megan.” They’d met when I’d brought her home to hang out one weekend so I could get off campus and she could get away from the dudes in her apartment.

“Hey, Blaire,” Megan said, giving her a hug. “Jake would have been here, but he had an exam he couldn’t get out of. He tried really hard.”

“That’s okay. It’s more than enough that you’re here,” I said.

“Nice to see you again. It’s been a while,” Mom said.

I wanted to tell Mom about Meg’s engagement, but I didn’t have the proper venue. Hunter put his arms around me from behind and his chin on my head.

“So are you done?” Renee said.

“Yes. I got up and talked and I didn’t pass out. I just hope they believe me.”

“She was awesome,” Tawny said.

“So were you,” I said.

 Hunter let go of me so I could give her a hug, which turned into me hugging everyone and then us all having a huge group hug that made us all laugh. I really wanted to cry instead. 

They were all here for me and my family. I hadn’t even asked them, and they’d come running. Somehow, even though I was bitter and angry, these people had decided I was worthy of their love. Either they were willing to look past all that, or maybe I wasn’t as fucked up as I thought.

Or maybe it was a bit of both.

“So how long are they going to take to decide?” Paul said.

“No idea. I guess we just wait and see,” I said. 

“Why don’t we go down the hall? There’s a waiting room if you all want to make yourselves comfortable,” Mr. Woodward said, subtly telling us to get the hell out of the hallway.

We all went to the waiting room, and it was like the day had somehow turned into a party. I had to introduce Dad to everyone, and I even let him give me a hug and kiss on the cheek.

“I’m so proud of you,” he said.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You should come down and see me on your break. I’ve got a great little nook that would be great to read in. You could bring Hunter, if you wanted.” I looked up to tell him that I was busy, and that I’d consider it, but his face was so hopeful that I couldn’t.

“Sure, Dad. It’s a plan.”

“I love you, Kid.”

“Love you, too.” I hadn’t said those words to my father in at least five years. They felt right.

We spent the next two hours waiting and talking. We were all starving, but didn’t think it would be appropriate to bring in food. We did agree that afterward we were all going to that diner I’d been to with Hunter and pancakes were in order. No matter what happened.

In all honesty, when I really thought about it, I didn’t care if they let him out. He couldn’t hurt me anymore. It was a revelation that had taken so many years, but only a moment to come to. I’d made my secret and him into this big impossible thing I could never conquer.

But I’d conquered it. I was done being a victim. It was time for me to take charge and live my life instead of letting something that had happened to me lead it for me. So many people had told me the same thing, hundreds of times. It was something I had to learn for myself. 

A clerk finally came and told us that they were ready.

When we walked back into the courtroom for the decision, I held my head high and kept a smile on my face. Outside that room was a whole wonderful world I couldn’t wait to be a part of again. And pancakes. I really wanted some pancakes.

I held Tawny’s hand as we waited for the board to announce its decision. One of the board members, a woman with sleek black hair and a stern set of glasses, got up and I held my breath.