I don’t want to be here, let alone dressed the way I am. I could kill Liam. I’m going to kill Josie. I should’ve left the minute Harrison walked out of the kitchen. Made my escape, but no, I felt compelled to clean up their stupid mess. If I were home, no one would’ve come to look for me. I could’ve locked the door and buried myself into my sofa with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Instead, I’m sitting in Ralph’s wearing skintight jeans with an equally tight black tank that says I’m with the Band. Seriously? Are we teenagers again?
Sometimes I want to be. Go back to when it was just the four of us at the water tower or the drive-in movies. Those were the good days. Getting ready for prom in my bathroom and Josie using me as a cover so she could spend the night with Liam. I shudder, thinking of the twins doing half the shit that we did, but I know they will. Most of it is tradition, a rite of passage. I just won’t have Mason around to scare the boys away.
Of course, I couldn’t leave once we walked in because Ralph was there to greet us. I haven’t been back since 4225 West held a charity concert for me after Mason’s birthday and just one look from Ralph makes me feel guilty.
I look around and take in the fans here to see the guys. When we were on tour I only caught a few glimpses here and there, but being up front and center, my eyes are taking in a lot of… skin. I don’t know how Josie does this without getting jealous. I’m not sure I could. The way the guys are talked about… it makes me cringe and feel very sorry for them.
Josie and I are sitting on the edge of the dance floor, both of us with a bucket of beers on our table, waiting for the guys. I know once they come on stage, she’ll be up front because she’s the biggest groupie of all. Not that I can blame her, she lost Liam once and I know hell would have to freeze over before she gave him up again.
“How do you do it?” I ask before pulling a bottle from the ice-cold bucket and popping the top. I tip my head back and let the cold amber liquid fill my mouth. I shouldn’t drink, but Liam’s right – it’s Friday night and I have a babysitter – I should take advantage.
Josie shrugs. “Some of it bothers me, but I trust him. I know that he’s coming home to me at the end of the night and wouldn’t touch anyone. He’s got too much to lose.”
I marvel at her resilience. I’m not sure I would’ve forgiven him if I were in her shoes. I was there, holding her hair back when she was heaving the contents of her stomach day after day. She was a mess for a long time, but now she’s glowing. She smiles every day and it makes me want to have what she has. Knowing I did and lost it kills me.
The crowd grows the closer it gets to show time. From where we’re sitting, we won’t be able to see them very well. Not that I need to watch them, although this is my opportunity to check out Harrison without him looking. Yes, I admit it, he’s starting to get to me, but it’s not enough for me to throw in the towel. He’s intriguing and I have a feeling there’s more to him than a drummer in a rock band. I’m just not sure I’m the right person to figure out who he is exactly. I don’t have anything to offer him. I’m afraid I’m not enough for someone like him.
The lights dim and the fans start screaming. There’s excitement in the air, I can feel it coursing through me. Today I can be a fan without having to make sure the guys are taken care of, Ralph will do that tonight.
Josie stands on her chair and whistles as Liam takes the stage.
“Hey baby,” he says into the microphone, making all the women go nuts. Too bad he’s only talking to her. I shake my head and start laughing. It’s like those two were never apart.
I decide to stand on my chair too or I won’t be able to see. I’m praying no one will bump into me. The last thing I need is to do a table dive. Jimmy comes out next and instantly starts flirting with some of the women in the front row. He holds one of their hands and leans down to their ear. Who knows what he’s saying, probably giving her his number. I’m honestly surprised that he’s not more of a PR nightmare. Some days he acts like a family man and the next, he’s the man-whore of the group.
Harrison comes on stage last. He’s switched from a beanie to a baseball cap that he’s wearing backward. I remember very clearly the last time I saw his hat like that. I hold my breath when he looks out into the crowd. Is he looking for me? Half of me wants him to, but the other half wills him to find someone that can give him what he wants.
Harrison makes a few adjustments before he spins his sticks in between his fingers, then he claps them together and counts to four. I look over at Josie, who is nodding her head and yelling at Liam.
The song is new, something I’ve never heard before. Josie seems to know the lyrics because she’s singing right along. My heart aches with love for Liam and Josie. He has this talent and is able to write songs about her. I can’t even make it a day without thinking about what Mason’s voice sounded like and how I’ll never hear the words I love you said to me again, and here’s my best friend, being sung to like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do for her.
The words of the song are touching, about how his heart trumped his mind and that he should’ve known better. I move to the beat of the song, swaying back and forth as I watch Harrison pound on the drums. I can’t tell if he’s looking out to the crowd or not. I wish he would, even just for a moment. Maybe I’d wave and he’d smile. Liam sings about love being a sure thing and I wish things were that simple.
Moving on should be simple. Picking up the pieces and opening a new door to my life should be easy. So why isn’t it? Why am I second-guessing everything? I sit down and grab another beer. I need to drown my sorrows or at least keep the voices out of my head. I can’t love another man. I just can’t.
For each song the guys play, I drink at least two beers. Too much talk about broken hearts, love, sex and life. Ralph refills the bucket and Josie eyes me. I shouldn’t have come. Listening to them sing is far different from being backstage and working for them. I should be working – that’s what I should be doing – not sitting here feeling sorry for myself.
The guys play a few more songs before taking a break. The crowd disperses. I look on as the chick from earlier paws all over Jimmy. He loves it though, so I guess until he finds the right one, he’ll test them all. Men!
Josie sits down next to me, her face red and sweaty from dancing. She pulls out a beer and holds it against her head. I lean into her, my head resting on her shoulder.
“I love you.” My voice is probably too low for her to hear me.
“Are you drunk?”
I look at the bottle caps lined up and nod.
“You’re lucky, you know that.”
“I know, but why do you think so?” she asks as she pops the top and takes a drink.
“He writes songs about you. That new one… I don’t know, it made me think.”
“Are you talking about the first song they played?”
I lift my head a bit too fast. The room spins. Josie nudges my shoulder. When I look at her she’s grinning from ear to ear.
“Liam didn’t write that song,” she says, laughing. “Harrison did.”
“Why would he write a song like that?” I ask confused.
Josie raises her bottle to her lips and drinks. “That boy has a crush.”
“He does? On who?” My heart aches a little knowing he’s found someone. I know I kept blowing him off, but I didn’t expect him to give up so soon and move on.
“Katelyn, are you serious?”
“Yes,” I push out of my thick tongue. I don’t want to cry but my feelings are hurt.
Before Josie can answer me, the guys are sitting at our table. Well, Liam and Harrison are.
“Aren’t you going to play some more?”
“No, short set tonight,” Liam says before he pulls Josie close to him. She says something to him. He eyes me and Harrison and starts laughing. That’s my cue. I’m not going to watch them act like this and I’m sure Harrison wants to hang out with his new girlfriend.
“Well I’m outta here,” I say, pushing my chair back.
“She’s drunk,” Josie blurts out. I roll my eyes and pull out my phone. Harrison leans back, eyeing me up and down.
“I’ll call a cab.” I shake my phone in front of them.
“Why are you leaving?” Liam asks. “It’s still early.”
I wave my hand at him. “Harrison doesn’t want me here.”
Harrison looks up, his eyes sharp. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
I shrug and take the last sip of my beer, emptying the bottle. I wave and turn away from them, taking cautious steps toward the door. When I’m outside, I lean up against the wall, letting the cold night wash over me. I’m so stupid to think someone like Harrison would be interested in me. I may be drunk, but I remember the dinner we shared not so long ago. It was nice being there with him and the kids. No expectations, just friends. Just when I think I can take that step to be more to him, he finds someone else.
I roughly wipe tears away from my cheeks and push off the wall. I need to walk. I need to calm down and sober up before going home. This is the second time I’ve gotten drunk because of him and my stupid feelings. I can’t do it anymore.
“Where’re ya going?” He pulls my hand. I turn and fall into him. He catches me, his hand cupping my face. He gently lifts my face. “Why the tears?”
I shrug and look down. I don’t want him to see my tear streaked face. “I’m a sloppy drunk.”
Harrison chuckles. “Oh, I don’t know about that. I happen to enjoy drunk Katelyn.”
“She’s stupid.”
“She’s honest and lets her feelings show.”
“I’m confused.”
“That’s makes two of us,” he says as he lifts my face again and looks at me, his eyes going back and forth.
“You have beautiful eyes.”
“Everything about you is beautiful.”
I step forward and rest my forehead on his chest. He sets his arm around my neck, holding me to him.
“Why did you say I didn’t want you here?” he asks. I was hoping he’d forget, but apparently I haven’t been missing from the table that long.
“I don’t know. Josie told me you wrote that song –”
“Yeah, so?”
“So I thought you’d want to spend time with her,” I whisper. I pull back so I can make a quick escape when he tells he plans to start seeing his crush.
“I am spending time with her.”
I look up immediately to find him smiling down at me.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
Harrison leads me into the parking lot. He doesn’t say anything to make me uncomfortable with the situation. I’m not sure how to take what he said, but I do know I’m listening loud and clear. The song that Liam sang tonight is about me, and Harrison wrote it.
I’ve never had a song written about me before and that alone makes me feel loved and nervous all in one. I don’t know what my response should be, but I know what’s it’s going to be. I can’t continue to fight my feelings. It’s taking far too much effort on my part to deny what my body and heart are telling me. This man… the one with his arm around me protectively has dealt with my bullshit, my hot and cold reactions to him and most importantly, treats my children with the utmost respect. I’d be a fool to walk away from something that could be an eye-opening experience.
I just need to find the words to tell him.