"Merry Christmas!” Quinn bellows out.
He runs into the house, excited to spend his last few days with his friends. He hasn’t told Noah or the girls, said he didn’t want them to be sad around Christmas time or for the wedding. I respect his decision.
The sound of laughter rings throughout the house. Quinn and I carry in our presents for everyone. The girls are dressed in matching outfits. I eye Peyton, who looks like she’s going to scream with excitement. I smile at her and am rewarded with one of the sweetest smiles I’ve ever had from her. Since the day we had our chat, things have been really good between us. Elle is twirling around like a ballerina, giggling. I feel like I’m missing something I never really had, and it hurts.
Katelyn sits in the chair next to the fireplace. Her legs are curled underneath. I miss her, but I can’t let that show, especially today. A year ago, I walked into this house and saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. When I held her hand, I knew she was going to be someone special. Everything I did, I did because I saw her as my future.
Now, she’s my past, and in a few days she’ll go from someone I know and see occasionally to someone I see rarely, if at all, and that doesn’t make me happy. But it’s my choice.
Liam walks in with a Santa hat on and the kids start jumping up and down. I kneel in front of the tree and put the presents that Quinn wrapped underneath it. I hold the one I bought for Katelyn in my hand and wonder if it should be included with the rest, or if I should leave it in her mailbox on my way out of town. It’s not meant to be a parting gift, it’s something I bought for her before shit went down. I’ve thought about not giving it to her, but it has meaning and I can’t bring myself to return it to the store.
I try not to watch her, but I can feel my body gravitate toward her. Her hair falls in her face as I pass by. I have to pocket my hand to keep me from caressing her cheek. I pinch my leg, reminding me that she quit us. I didn’t.
“Present time,” Liam announces. The kids yell with excitement and gather around the tree. Liam distributes the presents to each child, leaving the adults for last.
I try to keep my thoughts at bay. I don’t know if moving is the right thing to do, but right now, it’s what I need. I’ve put myself out there with her and I wore my heart on my sleeve. I sit back and watch as the kids tear into their presents. Wrapping paper flies all over the room and laughter rings out. Josie brings in breakfast. She hands me a cup of coffee. I know the look on her face. She feels sorry for me, and she shouldn’t. She smiles softly and turns to look at Katelyn.
I don’t want to look, but I can’t help myself, and much like last year, she’s staring at her girls, probably remembering her husband. I can’t imagine holidays get any easier when the one you love is no longer able to love you back. I should know.
“Dad, can I give Peyton and Elle their presents?” Out of the corner of my eye I see Katelyn look over. It makes me wonder what she’s thinking.
“I’d like to watch them open them. Can you bring them over here?” I ask. Quinn nods and returns to the girls. He picks up their presents and shows them to them. The three of them, who have grown close this past year, come over and sit in front of me.
“From me and my dad,” he says handing them each a box. Quinn picked out the red wrapping paper and blue bow. The girls tear open their boxes and open the lid.
“Oh look, mommy, I got a necklace.” Elle shuffles over to her mom and shows her. I look at Peyton, who holds her necklace in her hand.
“What’s in there?”
I move to sit down on the floor next to her. I pick up the vial and spin it around. Her eyes go wide with surprise as the gel moves around. “Inside are two names, yours and your dad’s.” I take the necklace from her hand and secure it around her neck. “This way, your dad is always with you.”
“Is mine like that too, Harrison?” Elle walks on her knees over to me and hands me her box. I take out her necklace and hold it up so the sunlight can hit it. “It sparkles,” Elle squeals and claps her hands.
I spin it around and hold it in my hand so she can see the inside. “That one there says Elle and that one there says Mason.”
“Can you put it on for me?” Elle turns around and lifts her hair like a true princess. I fasten her necklace and sit back. The girls play with their necklaces, mesmerized that each time they tilt the vial, their gel and names move. I went with leather as their chains so they won’t break on them.
“This is from my dad,” Quinn says. He hands Katelyn her box. I didn’t even know he brought it over. Honestly, I thought I hid it far enough at the back that Liam would find it last and I would be gone. I don’t want to do this family shit right now.
“Thanks, Quinn.” Katelyn takes the present from him and pulls the ribbon. The satin falls onto her lap and she tears off the paper. I look at Liam, who is focusing on Josie and Noah. They’re oblivious to what’s going on.
My heart beats faster when she starts to lift the lid. I need to get out of here. I stand just as she gasps. I look down at the ground. I can’t bear to look at her. I hear the charms clank together as she pulls out her bracelet. When I bought it, I thought it was a good idea. Now, I’m second guessing the decision to even give it to her.
“Harrison?” I close my eyes at the way my name sounds. I shake my head and walk out of the room. I don’t want her to tell me she loves it or that she’s thankful. I did it because I wanted her to know that all of us, including Mason, can fit into a life together. But that’s not what she wants.
I don’t want to leave Quinn, but the pain is too much to take. The studio is cold and far too dark for my liking. We haven’t practiced or even jammed in weeks. I turn on the light and shut the door. I need to be alone. Pulling out my stool and putting on my headphones, I sit down. My sticks are sitting there, evidence that Peyton has been down here practicing. I like that she feels comfortable, and hope that she tells her mom that she wants lessons, because I think it’s helping her self-esteem and it gives her something to do, aside from her fascination with football.
The beat of the drums soothes me. This is my escape. I need this, even if my left hand is hampered by a cast. I know I’m a shit for ditching out on Christmas, but I need to be able to clear my head. When she’s in my vicinity, my judgment is clouded. All I want to do is pull her into a corner and beg her to give us a fair chance. There’s no way I can do that and save face at the same time. She was loud and clear when she kicked me out of her house that night. She wasn’t willing to look at the possibility that the photos were lies. She just thought I was a liar and a cheat, something I’ve never been.
I freeze when the beat of her song starts coming from my drums. What would possess me to play this, I don’t know. I put the sticks down and take a deep breath. The door opens and footsteps come near me.
“Are you really leaving after the wedding?”
I look up at Liam and nod. “I can’t be in the same room as her and she’s always around. I need my space.”
“How does Quinn feel?”
“He’s fine,” I say as I run my finger of the rim of my set. “He knows we’ll come back sometimes, and since he’ll be homeschooled, he can travel back and forth with me.”
Liam sighs and pulls out another stool to sit on. “With you back in L.A., JD won’t want to come here. He’ll be asking me to come back there to work.”
“Don’t put this on me, Liam. You want someone to blame; blame Sam or hell, blame Katelyn for the bullshit. If she didn’t want me, she should’ve just stayed away. I was doing fine from a distance, but no, she had to show that she was jealous of other women and act like she cared so that I’d pursue her harder.”
“I know you’re hurting.”
I shake my head. “Nah, man, it’s beyond hurt. I can’t look at her without wanting to kiss her and shake her at the same time. I don’t get it.”
“She’s scared.”
“Well, that’s no way to live your life and we all know how short life can be.”
“I believe in second chances,” Liam says. I know he does, or he wouldn’t be getting married the day after tomorrow, but not all of us can be so lucky. “If you need time, you should take it.”
“It’s not me needing time. I know what I want. I want those three girls upstairs to be in my life permanently. I want my son to have Katelyn as a mother figure, because that’s what he wants. I don’t need the time to figure that shit out. I already know it.” I rub my hands over my face and groan. “It’s not me, Liam. I’m not running or shutting doors. I’m moving because it’s too hard to sit back and watch her life go on while mine is teetering on the edge, waiting for a glimmer of hope that she might, someday, want to be with me.”
Liam comes over and pats me on the back, squeezing my shoulder. “Josie says brunch is in thirty minutes.”
“I’ll be up.”
No sooner does Liam shut the door than it opens again. This time, my visitor is a short and sweet little girl with a black velvet ribbon in her hair. She comes over and climbs into my lap. Her arms wrap around my neck as she hugs me tightly. I squeeze her back with all that I have, hoping that I leave an impression for her.
“How come you don’t come over for dinner anymore?”
I’m not sure how to answer her. What do you say to a child who has lost so much in her life? “I’m busy with writing music. Sometimes it takes a lot of my time.”
I adjust Peyton and set her on my knee. “Mommy cries a lot at night again.”
“What do you mean, ‘again’?”
She shrugs. “I think she stopped for a little while, but now she does it again.”
I push her hair behind her shoulder and offer her a smile. I don’t know what to say. Part of me hopes she’s crying because we aren’t together, but I should know better. She misses her simple life and with that, comes the longing she has for her husband. She doesn’t shed tears for me.
“Wanna play?” I ask her, holding up the sticks. Her grin spreads from ear to ear as she takes them from my hand. She spins in my lap and is ready for me to give her the signal.
Except this time I don’t.
This time I bring out another set of sticks and play with her. We pound on the drums, creating our own music. When we have a decent rhythm going, I hit record on my laptop and we play again and again until it’s time to eat. When we’re done, we’re tired and sweaty. Peyton hugs me again. Her arms are tight around my neck. I hate that it’s taken so long for us to be friends and now that we are, I’m leaving her.
“I love you, Harrison.”
“I love you too, Peyton.” My response is automatic. My heart is beating wildly in my chest, threatening to come out or break at a moment’s notice. If loving her, Elle and Katelyn is right, why does everything I do feel so wrong?