CHAPTER 1
A mirror can be your best friend. Or your worst enemy. The only thing you can count on is brutal honesty.
I talk to my mirror. Lots of women do. Except mine talks back. It’s magic.
Time for our daily chat. I head down the long corridor toward the chamber where I keep my magic mirror, but I’m distracted by the sound of singing. I detour over to a window and peek between the thick, tightly drawn drapes.
Below in my castle courtyard, she’s standing idly by the wishing well. My stepdaughter. Snow White. Why the hell is she wasting her time wishing when she should be washing? Well, I suppose I’ll give her a little break today. After all, it’s her birthday. Her sixteenth.
Birds and butterflies dance around her. I don’t get it. Her whole life, I’ve piled her with a crapload of chores and dressed her in rags, yet she still looks ravishing.
I try hard not to scowl; the last thing I need is a deep, ugly crease between my brows. I know. I’m going to double her workload. What a perfect birthday present!
Enough. I yank the drapes closed and quicken my pace down the corridor. At the end, I crank open a heavy mahogany door.
The windowless room is dark and bare, lit only by candlelight. My mirror faces me. I stride up to it and meet my shadowy reflection.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall
Who’s the fairest one of all?”
Awaiting an answer, I admire my candle-lit face, flickering in the smoky glass. My creamy, unblemished skin. My cat-green eyes. My full red lips. And those high cheekbones.
I grow impatient. What’s taking so long? There’s only answer. ME!
Finally, the mirror responds:
“You are fair indeed, My Queen,
But there is someone fairer who is Sweet Sixteen.”
I let out a gasp so loud it echoes. The mirror continues:
“Even in darkness she is a bright light,
A princess who goes by the name Snow White.”
Her? Blood rushes to my head. I pace the chamber, zigzagging from corner to corner, in a frenzy. My mirror is a traitor! I rip off my crown and aim it at the glass. About to smash it into smithereens, I get an even better idea. Something I should have done ages ago…
Eliminate the competition. And I have just the perfect person to do it.
My faithful Huntsman.
Snow White can wish as much as she wants. This birthday will be her last.
The Huntsman cowers before me as I sit high on my gem-studded throne. Despite his imposing height and girth, the bearded man appears small to me today. Almost frail.
“Take Snow White deep into the forest and bring me back her heart,” I command.
“But—”
“There are no buts. Do as I say, and I will reward you.” I jingle a bag of gold coins.
“But—”
My icy stare silences him.
He bows his head. “Yes, My Queen.”
The hesitancy in his voice irks me. “If you fail me, you will pay the consequences.” With a wry smile curled on my lips, I slide a finger across my neck.
The Huntsman says nothing. He pivots around and plods toward the throne room’s massive double doors.
“Wait!” I shout out.
The Huntsman spins around. His forest green eyes glimmer with the hope I’ve changed my mind.
“Use this to bring me back her heart.” I toss him a small jeweled box. He catches it. His eyes downcast, he stuffs it inside his leather satchel, then disappears.
I grimace with regret. Such an elegant coffin. A potato sack would have sufficed.
All afternoon, I’ve been pacing the chamber that houses my magic mirror, struggling not to glance at it. We’re not speaking.
What’s taking that big-footed fool so long? I mean, how hard is it to plunge a dagger into a twig of a girl, rip out her heart, and bring it back? It doesn’t have to be gift-wrapped. In fact, I hate bows. They remind me of her.
The minutes crawl like hours. I’m getting antsy. Where the hell is he?
The door to my chamber swings open. Finally, The Huntsman, holding the jeweled box.
“Give it to me,” I order though I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my little souvenir. Dinner for the help perhaps?
The Huntsman’s lowers his head and silently hands me the box. He’s out the door before I can offer him the gold coins. Fine. I’ll save some money.
I give the box a little shake. It’s in there okay. I swear I can hear it still beating. Mission accomplished.
I stride up to my mirror and break into a wicked smile. Time for a little tête-à-tête.
“Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Now, who’s the fairest one of all?”
Studying my reflection, I await the answer with the eagerness of a child about to get a sweet.
Silence. What’s the problem? It’s not like I’m asking it to solve an impossible what-came-first riddle. I shoot my mirror a dirty look. Finally, it responds:
“My Queen, you are the fairest that I see…”
Yes! I am the fairest! My magic mirror can hold it right there. But the bigmouth rattles on:
“But near the hills where the Seven Dwarfs dwell,
Snow White is still alive and well,
And there is none so fair as she.”
What? That two-timing wimp didn’t kill her? She’s still alive? A stabbing pain pierces my heart. I don’t know whom I hate more—The Huntsman or my mirror.
Clutching the box, I storm out the door and race down the corridor. “You’re history!” I scream out, but it’s no use. The betrayer is gone, nowhere in sight.
I stomp back to my chamber and hurl the box at my mirror. I miss. It hits a wall. My mouth twitches, in horror, as its bloody contents splatter across it.
I have no choice. I’ve got to take care of Snow White myself.
Easier said than done. Over the past two weeks, I’ve ventured twice to the cottage where Snow White has taken refuge with a bunch of lowlife dwarfs. Seven of them—just like my smart-ass looking glass said.
The first time, I disguised myself as an old corset peddler and asphyxiated the wench with laces I was selling. So I thought until my magic mirror told me she was still alive and well. The second, in a different but equally repugnant peasant disguise, I talked her into trying out a comb I poisoned. After having the pleasure of watching her crumple to the floor once again, I had the misfortune of hearing my magic mirror report that I’d failed yet another time. Damn my mirror. And damn those dwarfs. After each attempt, they somehow must have rescued the tart before she took her final breath.
This time, I’m done wasting my time. Those runts can say adieu to their precious princess because I’ve come up with a foolproof plan. I’m wearing my newest and, I must say, best disguise. A butt-ugly hag get-up I picked up for nothing at a thrift shop. To make sure Snow White doesn’t recognize me, I’ve dyed my long hair gray, blackened out a front tooth, and added a honker of a nose made out of putty.
I stare at my reflection in my magic mirror. I don’t even recognize myself. The wart on my nose is such a nice touch. My disguise is brilliant! Best of all, this is the last time I’ll ever have to sacrifice my beauty to have Snow White out of my life.
Dressed to kill, I wind my way down the rickety stairs that lead to my favorite playroom. My dungeon. Time to check on my evil potion. It’s been brewing for hours.
Perfect! The mixture in the cauldron has come to a boil. The cackling bubbles are like music to my ears. I give it a stir with a long femur bone—probably the remains of one of my late husband’s prisoners.
“It’s as easy as pie,” said the instructions. I wouldn’t know since I’ve never made one. All I can say is that this is the most fun I’ve ever had.
Following the recipe to a tee, I throw in the final lethal ingredient—a dash of dragonstone extract. The potion sizzles, and snakes of smoke curl around me. I smile proudly. The mistress of disguise can chalk up another talent.
Now, for the tricky part. Carefully, I dip half of a big red apple that I handpicked from my orchard into the gurgling mixture. I count to three and strategically place it on top of a basket filled with other ripe apples.
“Satisfaction guaranteed or I’ll refund your money one hundred percent,” promised the sorcerer who sold me the potion. “One bite and Snow White will be asleep forever.” Frightening simplicity! And there’s nothing those damn dwarfs can do.
I can practically make the trek to the Seven Dwarfs’ cottage blindfolded. That’s not to say I enjoy it. In fact, I hate it. First, I have to row a boat across my moat to get to land and endure an hour of sunshine on my flawless, vanilla skin. Then I have to trudge through a dark forest with its monstrous trees and wild beasts and risk my life. Or worse, scratch my face. Let’s put it this way: I’m not exactly what you’d call the outdoorsy type. And I despise the sun.
Thank goodness, this trip will be my last. Near the edge of the forest, their so-cute-I-could-puke cottage comes into view. Holding the basket of apples in one hand, I crouch down behind a tree and impatiently wait for the dwarfs to leave. After twenty or so time-wasting minutes, the bearded mini-men file out, carrying their work tools. Snow White plants a kiss on each of them. It’ll be their last.
The tiniest one of the bunch is the last to exit. I count them again to play it safe. Seven for sure. In a perfect line, they march toward the mountains that lie behind their house. In no time, they disappear. Hi ho. Hi ho. It’s showtime!
I spring to my feet, my target in sight, when a loud hissing sound stops me in my tracks. My eyes shift left and right, then up. My heart jumps. Dangling from a branch right above me is a monstrous green and yellow snake. With its jaws wide open, it coils toward me. I’m paralyzed with fear. I don’t know what I dread more—its venom or the fang marks it will leave behind. I hold my breath as its black forked tongue flicks my cheek. That does it. I grab an apple and hurl it at the serpent. Without looking back, I run.
My relief is short-lived. A terrifying thought flashes into my head. Oh no! What if it was the poison apple I threw? I glance down at my basket and relax. It’s still there. Better yet, I’m still here. Nothing is going to screw up my perfect plan. Nothing!
As I near the cottage, I spy an open window. Switching into hag mode, I hobble up to it and pop my head inside. Snow White’s in the kitchen, singing (ugh!) as she scrubs a long wooden table. Always the perfect little homemaker. Not for long. Miss Tidy Whitey’s cleaning days will soon be over.
“Hello, dearie,” I call out in my finest hag voice. “I’ve got some delicious apples for sale.”
Startled, Snow White whirls around. Her face, drop-dead gorgeous as ever, nauseates me.
“I’m not allowed to talk to strangers anymore,” she says in her sickening sweet voice.
“But I’m just a poor old woman trying to make ends meet. And these apples will make a delicious apple pie.” I hold up my special apple. “You must try one.”
“What if it’s poisonous?”
She’s smartened up. No worries. I’ll show her how good it tastes. With a loud crunch, I bite into the apple. “See. I’m good as new. Now, you try it.”
Hesitantly, Snow White strolls up to the window and takes the apple. She beholds the shiny fruit in her hand. Why is she stalling? Just take a bite. Come on. Do it already. My heart pounds in anticipation.
At last, she raises the apple toward her face. It’s like a slow motion dream. Her lips part. Her mouth opens. Finally, her teeth sink into the other side of my juicy red apple. Crunch. Oh, what a lovely sound! Her big brown eyes roll back into her head, and she collapses to the stone floor in a crumpled heap. I smile wickedly.
Eternal sleep! At last!
Victory surges inside me. I’m tingling with excitement. I can’t wait to get back to my castle to ask my magic mirror one simple little question…
And with Snow White out of the picture, this time for good, there can only be one simple little answer…
The sound of heavy footsteps interrupts my reverie. The front door bursts open. My heart skips a beat. It’s those damn dwarfs! What are they doing back so early?
I’d better get out of here. Fast!
Too late. One of the runts has spotted me. “Stop her!” he yells, pointing his grubby little finger.
Having no choice, I dive through the window and make a mad dash for the mountains. The pint-sized twerps chase after me. I toss the basket of apples, hoping to trip them. I steal a look behind me. No luck. They’re picking up speed and getting closer. How the hell can they run so fast on those stumpy legs?
A sudden gust of wind fills my cape like a sail, making it impossible for me to move any faster. My hair whips across my face as I glance back one more time. The dwarfs are gaining on me. Calling upon every muscle in my body, I force myself forward.
An explosive clap of thunder startles me. I almost trip. As I regain my footing, the sky opens, and torrential rain starts pouring down. Dragonballs! The one day it had to rain in sunny Lalaland.
The earth quickly becomes a mud bath. Drenched, I slip and slide across the treacherous ground with the pack of dwarfs still on my back. And then…a dead end. I’m smack against the mountains.
“Get her!” shouts one of the dwarfs.
I gaze up at the jagged wall of rocks. I have no choice but to start climbing.
Gripping the wet, slippery rocks, I clamber up the steep terrain. The pouring rain is blinding me, and I have to keep dodging all manner of falling debris. The dwarfs are still right behind me and show no sign of slowing down. They must be part mountain goat. I, on the other hand, am panting like a dog. And my thighs are screaming they’re on fire. Once I get back to my castle, I swear I’m going to get out more and start an exercise regime. The Fairest is also going to become The Fittest.
The slope grows steeper and steeper. I’m practically on all fours. Ahead of me is a giant boulder. I scramble behind it. I can run no more. Not because I’m out of steam. I’ve reached the edge of the mountain. A cliff. There is no place to go but down. Far, far down.
I’m trapped! I peek around the boulder. The dwarfs are so close I can feel their breath on my face. Brainstorm! I’m going to flatten the runts. All seven of them at once! With all the strength I can muster, I push the massive rock. It won’t budge. I try again, this time using my entire body. Nothing. Not even an inch!
Claps of thunder synchronize with my thudding heart. I’m about to give up when the sky sends a bolt of lightning directly at the dwarfs. What good luck! They’re going to fry. What bad luck! They leap back just in time to avoid their fiery demise. My face grows wide-eyed with horror as nature etches a deep jagged line across the surface of the rocky precipice. Crack! It’s breaking off. I’m going down!
Blood flees to the bottoms of my feet as I squeeze my eyes shut. Life is so unfair. I’m finally again Fairest of All, and I’m going to be a goner! An icy sting shoots up my legs, then zaps my body. Is this how death feels? Daring to open my eyes, I find myself under water. I’ve landed in a river! I hold my breath, but as I sink deeper, my lungs may burst. Death still awaits me. I finally hit rock bottom. Instantly, I catapult upward.
My head powers through the surface of the water. I’m alive! Desperate for air, I open my mouth wide, catching raindrops on my tongue. Victory is mine. It’s time to wave bye-bye to that pack of vertically challenged losers. I look up, but I might as well kiss my life goodbye. The boulder is toppling toward me at dizzying speed!
A bolt of raw energy surges through my veins. Kicking and stroking furiously, I battle the fierce current and swim away a split second before the boulder crashes into the water. I hold on to dear life as the waves of its aftermath thrash me around like an angry dragon’s tail.
The next thing I know I’m lying facedown on a hard, muddy surface. Land! The river must have washed me ashore. As I stagger to my feet, my eyes light up. Straight ahead of me is my majestic castle sitting high and mighty on its perch. I can practically hear my magic mirror welcoming me home.
Except there’s no way my mirror will recognize me. Soaked to the bone, I must look like a drowned witch.
Not wasting a second, I rip off my stinking-wet hag rag and the nose. I toss everything into the river and let the current carry it away. It’s a good thing I threw on a backpack last minute with my don’t-leave-home-without-them necessities. It’s sopping wet, but otherwise intact. I tear it open, slip on my black velvet cloak, and apply my favorite red lipstick, charcoal brow liner, and creamy foundation with sun protection.
The final touch: my gold crown. I cradle it in my hands and admire it. It’s worthy of only one legendary beauty—yours truly.
Mirror, mirror. Ready or not, here I come. Suddenly, two bone-crushing hands grip my arms. I crank my head around and practically choke when I come face-to-face with my assailant. The Huntsman! He growls.
“You’re under arrest for murder!”