Nineteen
Heartbroken Heartbreaker
It had been three days since I last saw or spoke to Lilly and I was miserable. I missed her. I’ve never really missed anyone before, well except my mom, but I think the hate I had for her got me through. I don’t hate Lilly. I love her. I can say that to myself now. I’m in love with Lilly and it fucking sucks.
I don’t know why I freaked out on her like I did, I wasn’t even mad at her. I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself because for the first time in my life I lost control with a woman. I’ve never in my life done that. My only excuse is that sex with Lilly was amazing. She was amazing.
Every time I closed my eyes I could still see her squirming beneath me with her eyes closed and her mouth open in pleasure. I could still hear her moaning my name and panting as she, for the first time, experienced an orgasm, an orgasm that I gave her with my body. Just thinking about it got me turned on and so for almost two days I walked around rock hard daydreaming about Lilly. I hadn’t jacked off that much since I was thirteen.
I was in the middle of one of those daydreams while trying to change the oil in a little four-door Honda, which reminded me of Lilly, when, like a dumbass, I was suddenly covered in all the old oil that was inside the car.
“Damn!” I pulled myself from under the car to find my dad laughing down at me.
He handed me a rag and I started wiping the oil off of my face and arms. What the hell was the matter with me?
“You know you need to just break down and call that gal. You been screwing up things around this garage for two days now. I can’t afford to keep ya around, boy.” He smiled his secret smile.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I started throwing around nuts and bolts and cleaning up the oil.
“It’s OK to admit that you miss her. Don’t be an ass like I was. What’d you do anyway?”
“Why do you automatically assume that I did something? Don’t you have any faith in me?”
“Oh come on, boy, that girl couldn’t hurt a fly. Matter of fact, she’s pretty damn close to perfect, ain’t she? Shoot, I’d scoop her up before someone else did, that’s for damn sure. Don’t be a fool, Devin.” He walked back to the truck he was working on and didn’t say another word.
He was right. He usually was, but I couldn’t do it. I love her and I have to make it go away. It was my way of protection. Never again would I be left the way I was when I was young. Never again would another female leave me heartless the way my mother did.
There’s no other way to it, women leave. They love you and then they leave. I can’t let that happen. So, I’m leaving Lilly alone, before she breaks me down even more.
“Dad, I’m gonna take off for a few days. Maybe head down to spend time with Alex in Jacksonville. I just need some time to think. You think you could hold it down here while I’m gone?”
“I held this place down for many years before you came along. I might be old, but I think I can handle things around here without you.” He huffed and went back to work. “But you can’t outrun it, no matter how fast you run.”
I ignored him and went inside to get a quick shower. Right after that I was on the phone with my cousin, Alex, who I hadn’t seen in three years, followed by packing a few things in my black-suit case.
An hour later, and after telling Jenny I’d be back in a few days, I was out the door and in my car on the interstate headed to Florida. It might seem extreme, but I needed a vacation. I needed time to think about what the hell I was doing.
I drove in silence until I was half way through Georgia. I turned my cell phone on silent and just drove. So many things went through my mind. So many things kept eating at me: Losing the shop, the only home I’d ever known, and Lilly, the only woman to ever steal my heart. Without even doing anything, without even realizing it, Lilly broke my heart and it wasn’t even her fault. It was my fault.
I’ve left many broken hearts in my tracks and honestly I never thought twice about it. Now, for the first time in my life I was sorry for the things I’d done. I was sorry if I’d ever made anyone feel any kind of pain. The worst part was that I took something from Lilly I could never give back. I took her virginity when I didn’t deserve it. I was thief! I was a sick, perverted, selfish man who deserved all the pain I felt right then.
I made it to Alex’s place in no time. I brought in my black suitcase and then we grabbed a quick bite at a small restaurant. The small family reunion of just me and Alex was continued at a bar down the street from his apartment. I drank so much that I don’t even know how we made it back to his place.
I woke up the next morning with the worse hangover I’d ever had in my life. I couldn’t even get off of the couch. I had relaxed there for about an hour with a pounding headache when I started to smell bacon.
“Hey, Dev! You up, bro? I’m cooking a quick breakfast!” Alex yelled across his small one-bedroom apartment.
Each syllable banged inside my head causing the ache to get worse. I rolled off the couch and suddenly felt nauseated. It made me wonder how the hell Dad did it every day.
I dragged myself into his kitchen and fell into a chair.
“Could you not yell anymore, please?” I rubbed my temple.
Alex sat a beer in front of me and the smell of it made my stomach roll.
“Bite the dog, bro, it’s the only way.”
I pinched my nose and downed the beer as quickly as I could. Then I devoured the greasy bacon and eggs that Alex threw on a broken plate for me.
“So—to what do I owe the honor?” Alex asked as he relaxed against the kitchen counter.
“Just needed a break,” I bit off another piece of the bacon, which was surprisingly settling my stomach a bit.
“A break, huh? Seems to me you were doing more than taking a break last night. I know my family, and I’d say you were drowning some sorrows, and I do mean drowning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone drink that much in my life.”
“I wasn’t drowning anything, just having a few with my favorite cousin. So, how’s Aunt Peggy?” I changed the subject quickly.
“She’s OK, I guess, same ole mom. How’s Uncle Herald and Jenny? She still a ball buster?”
We continued to catch up. I never mentioned the fact that we were about to lose everything and I never said anything Lilly, even though she stayed on my mind the entire time.
I couldn’t help but wonder if she was OK. Did I hurt her? Does she hate me? Fuck it. I hope she hates me! Maybe it will make it easier to let her go. This bipolar inner monologue continued for hours.
I checked my phone constantly to see if I had any missed calls. I wanted her to call so bad, but at the same time I hoped she wouldn’t. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to tell her I was sorry and beg for her forgiveness, but I could never speak to her again. It was that simple.
That night, while sleeping on Alex’s horrible broken down couch, I had another nightmare about Lilly turning into my mother and leaving me. I woke up at two in the morning more hell bent on cutting all ties with Lilly than I was before I went to sleep. It would be hard to do. When I told Lilly that I was addicted to her, it was the truth, but she was one habit I was determined to break.