Twenty-Eight
Impossible Possibilities
“I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I hardly eat and when I do eat I can’t keep it down. This stomach bug is kicking my ass, yet I’m still freaking gaining weight!” I said in aggravation. “My damn pants won’t even button anymore.”
No way would I go out and buy a bigger size. I swear I’d be one of those sloppy women who wore sweatpants every day before I went up a size.
“That’s what happens when you get comfortable in a relationship. You and Devin have been seeing each other for close to five months. That’s kind of early to be getting comfortable, but hey, to each his own,” Shannon said as she flipped through a magazine.
“Yeah, I guess so. I don’t know. Wow, it has been almost five months. That’s crazy.” I flashed a big, happy smile.
I was thinking about everything that had happened in the last few months—so many things, bad and good. Devin was worth the bad things, he was everything I could’ve asked for.
I suppose at some point I should tell him about the money. He wasn’t with me for the money; Devin wasn’t that kind of guy. Things couldn’t have been more perfect, and like Shannon, he was clueless about it. It wasn’t like I lived the life of a person with millions, so how could he have known?
“Oh my God, I’m cramping so freaking bad. This period is kicking my ass big time. I wish Aunt Flo would go straight to Hell.” She sat back and rubbed her lower stomach. “You wouldn’t happen to have a tampon on you would you? I really don’t feel like walking over to the store. That crazy-eyed boy is working today. You know, the one who stares at you the entire time you’re in there?”
“Yeah, he’s creepy.” I reached into my purse and dug around and then it hit me.
I couldn’t even remember the last time I had a period. I wasn’t regular all the time, as in I didn’t get it on the same exact date every month, but I’d never missed an entire month before. As I sat and thought about it, I hadn’t had a period in at least three months.
“What’s that face about? Do you have one or not?” Shannon asked.
“Shannon, I haven’t had a period in over three months,” I said, confused.
A list of all the reasons for a missed period ran through my mind.
Cervical cancer, cysts, an awful female disease that would make my boobs fall off. Everything I ran through my mind was bad. It would be my luck that I’d die from some gruesome disease right after finding love and happiness.
“I know this is kind of a touchy subject, but do you think you should get a pregnancy test?” Her eyes got large. “What if you’re prego?”
“Trust me, that’s impossible.”
“Hey, you never know. Crazier shit has happened, Lil.”
“Babies are not in my future, but I guess I should set an appointment and have myself checked. I hope it’s nothing serious.”I frowned.
“Yeah, it can’t hurt. I hope it’s nothing, too. But could you imagine Devin’s face if you were prego though? He’d totally shit himself.” We laughed.
A week later we weren’t laughing anymore. A week later we stood over a piss stick in the hallway bathroom with a big bright pink positive sign.
I shook it like an old thermometer then looked at it again. It was definitely positive.
“Well, if I’m reading this right,” Shannon held up the box for the pregnancy test. “You’re pregnant.”
After years of being told I’d never have children, I should’ve felt happy. I should’ve been elated with the possibility of holding a little baby in my arms and being called mommy, but I wasn’t. All I felt was fear.
It wasn’t supposed to be happening for me. All the specialists I had gone to when I was younger swore it would never happen. In my mind something was wrong and if something wasn’t wrong, something would be. I couldn’t have been that lucky.
I tried not to think about it until after my appointment. There was no need to get my hopes up or make Devin crazy for no reason. He’d hate me. I’d promised him that it was impossible. We’d had unprotected sex because conceiving wasn’t something that would ever happen for me and yet, there was a little pink line on a stick that said it had.
Later that night Devin came over and we lounged in bed and watched TV. He attempted conversation with me so many times, but I didn’t feel like talking.
“Are you feeling OK, baby? You’ve been quiet all night and you barely touched your dinner. Are you still having stomach problems?”
“Something like that,” I responded.
“You can talk to me about anything, you know?” He smiled down at me.
“I know. I’m really OK.”
I wanted to tell him so badly. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright, but a tiny voice in the back of my head kept repeating that I could never have a baby. My body couldn’t and if I was really pregnant, I’d lose it. Devin had entirely too much going on in his life, I didn’t want to add that to the list.
On appointment day I lied about having to work. It was something I wanted to do alone. I sat in the waiting room and did something I never did, I bit my nails. When the nurse called me back I got a bad case of anxiety. Something deep down was telling me that the doctor would have bad news.
When Dr. Dandridge came into the small examination room I was sitting on the exam table in a paper gown. My fingers were starting to hurt from squeezing them together so hard and even though the room was warm, I felt like I was freezing all over.
“Long time no see, kiddo,” Dr. D said with a big white smile.
I had started seeing him when I was younger, right after the big traumatic teenage mob attack. He was the only doctor that I went to that didn’t make me feel like I’d die within the hour if I didn’t suddenly lose fifty pounds. I always felt very comfortable with him.
He was a younger doctor and very friendly—tall and skinny with big, blue eyes and salt and pepper hair. Shannon came with me on my last appointment and she’d had a crush on him ever since.
“So, what’s new?” he said as he tapped his pen against his clipboard.
“Um, I haven’t had a period in three months. I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I’m kind of thinking there might be something wrong.” I nervously cracked my knuckles.
“Hmmm, well, let’s have a look and see what’s going on, shall we?” He continued to smile, but I could see a small hint of worry in his eyes.
He knew my situation. He knew that a baby wasn’t a possibility.
He did a vaginal exam first. I kept peeking down at him and every now and again I’d catch the perplexed look on his face.
Something was definitely wrong.
“Well, Lilly, your cervix is definitely different.”
What the hell did that mean? Was that bad? Was my cervix covered in cancer and I’d be dead in ten hours? The Facts man! I needed facts! I had stuff to take care of. I had to make sure Devin and his family were a part of my will and I needed to say my goodbyes.
I was in the throes of a very massive panic attack and he was leaning back like he was on a Caribbean cruise. All he needed was a fruity drink with a freaking umbrella sticking out of it and a pair of sunglasses.
He pulled down my paper gown to cover me and then he rolled back on his stool and removed his plastic gloves.
“Let’s do an ultrasound,” he said as he rolled over a large piece of machinery with a tiny TV screen on the front.
He covered the bottom of me with another sheet before pulling my paper gown over to reveal my chubby stomach.
The clear jelly he squirted on my stomach felt warm and then he was gliding a little white wand over the surface.
The black and white screen lit up with a fuzzy picture. It looked like the screen that popped up when you forgot to pay your cable bill. There was nothing there, just a mass of black reminding me that my stomach would never house a child and then, there it was.
The profile of a baby—it’s overly large head and tiny nose. Two arms and two legs sprung from its tiny center. It was hard to make it out on the screen, but it was definitely a baby.
I looked away from the screen and down to my stomach as if I needed to make sure that these pictures were definitely coming from me and that he didn’t sneak and stick the little wand on another patient who had accidently walked into the wrong room.
He was still pressing it against me, moving it around to show me different views of the small person that was tucked away inside my stomach.
I was in shock and from the look on his face, he was shocked as well.
“Congratulations, Lilly. It looks like you’re about fourteen weeks.” Dr. D’s big, blue eyes crinkled at the corners with his big smile.
As if I didn’t understand, and technically I didn’t, I asked, “Fourteen weeks?”
“Yes ma’am. The baby measures a little over three months.”
“But I was just in the hospital, they didn’t say anything. Is it OK?” The words sounded as if they’d been crushed.
“Well, somehow they missed it, and yes, the baby seems to be OK. I’ll have to have some tests done, of course,” he beamed.
The baby—there was a baby in there. I looked down at my stomach again before turning back to the screen. I was in shock. Maybe I was dreaming. It couldn’t be real.
Then he pressed a button and a noise sounded. It was a heartbeat, strong and steady, soothing me and letting me know that it was real. I was pregnant and my baby’s heart was beating.
“Want to know what you’re having?” he asked.
“Can you tell that now?” I was still in a state of disbelief.
“Sometimes we can, if the baby’s willing to show us. Do you want to know or do you want it to be a secret?”
“What am I having?” My voice sounded off, like a really cool female robot from the future.
“It’s a girl.”
In that moment, my life was changed forever. A perfect little piece of me and Devin was coming—a little princess.
After setting four different appointments to four different specialists, I left the doctor’s office.
Dr. Dandridge had assured me after double checking everything over and over again, that I was indeed pregnant and the baby and I were both healthy. The follow-up appointments were just a precaution because of my past health issues, but it was definitely happening.
I cried once I was alone in my car. Happy tears streamed down my face and euphoria filled every crevice of my body.
On the drive home, all I could think about was Devin and what his reaction might be. His words from the first time we’d had sex rang through my mind.
Do you think I wanna get stuck with you like that?
Would he hate me, or would he be happy? A lot had changed since that very first time. We were together and we were in love.
How would I go about telling him? It’s such a sensitive time for him and his family with the second loss of his mom. Maybe a baby would be a welcomed thing for his family because of the loss of his mom.
I think Dad and Jenny would be ecstatic. It was Devin that I was worried about. If a baby wasn’t something he wanted, I’d have to let him go. I could do it alone and I could financially take care of a baby.
I decided that no matter what happened between Devin and me, the baby was a blessing, and I was going to treat it as such.
When I pulled up at my apartment, I sat in my car and laid my hand over my belly. Now that I knew why I was gaining, the extra weight around the middle didn’t seem like such a curse.
When I walked into my apartment I was met by my mother. She scared the crap out of me and I screamed a little.
“What the hell, Mom?” I clutched my chest. “I’m so having my locks changed. You’re trying to give me a freaking heart attack!” I reached down and picked up my dropped purse.
“Where have you been? I went by Franklin’s and you weren’t there. I called your phone and you didn’t answer. What’s going on with you, Lilly? It’s like you never have time for me anymore.”
For the second time in my life I saw my mother frazzled. The first time was when my father left.
“Everything’s fine, Mom, I’ve just been busy is all.” I went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water.
“Where were you?” she asked again.
“I had an OB appointment.”
I wasn’t going to go any further than that. I’d tell my mom when the time was right, but somehow it felt wrong to tell her before I told Devin.
“Everything’s OK I’m assuming?”
“Yes, everything’s good.”
She eyed me for a few before finally sighing loudly.
“What aren’t you telling me?” She started tapping her freshly manicured nails on the kitchen counter. “Ever since you met Devin you’ve been different. At first I liked seeing you happy, but now I feel like your pulling away from me.”
“I’m not pulling away. I just have someone to spend time with now. We’re in love.” I flashed a big happy smile.
“Don’t be ridiculous, Lilly. You don’t know what love is.” She ran her fingers nervously through her hair.
I’d never seen my mother look so unsure and with the way she was acting, I was almost convinced that the doctor had called her and told her the big news already.
“I think it’s time you stopped spending so much time with Devin,” she said flatly, like I was some fourteen-year-old girl that had to listen to her.
It wasn’t going to happen.
“Did you just hear me, Mom? I love him. I’m with him every night.”
Her eyes got large as she looked me in disgust.
“Are you having sex with him?” She looked so irate that I stepped back a little.
“That’s personal,” I blushed.
“Oh my God, you are! What have I done?”
What had she done? She had nothing to do with it.
“You didn’t do anything. It just happened, but he’s a great guy and I adore his family. I’m not saying we’re going to get married or anything like that, at least not any time soon, but you need to get used to Devin being in our life now.”
I wanted so badly to tell her that he was the father of her granddaughter, but I wouldn’t take that away from Devin. If I was the first to know for sure, then he should be the second.
“Over my dead body!” She screamed.
I’d never heard my mother raise her voice like that and it really freaked me out. Maybe I should’ve been more worried about her response to the baby and not so much about Devin’s.
She didn’t even give me a chance to respond before grabbing her purse and running out the door.
She just needed some time to cool off. Once she had some time to relax, maybe a spa visit, things would be better. Soon I’d invite her to lunch somewhere and fill her in on the big news. She just needed some time.
I knew Devin was busy at work so I didn’t call, but I did send him a text.
Me: I miss you. Is it cool if I come by and see you a little later?
Devin: I miss you more. Absolutely! I can’t wait to see your sweet face. I’ll be done with work around five.
Me: OK. See you then.
Devin: OK. I love you, beautiful.
Me: I love you, too.
I’d tell him that afternoon. I’d lay all my cards on the table and pray that my hand was good enough to win.