I didn’t bother knocking on the rust-covered screen door, just pulled it open and let myself in. The familiar smell of my mother’s spaghetti sauce greeted me as I made my way down the hall to the kitchen.

“Mum?” I called, when I found the brightly coloured kitchen empty. My mother loved bright colours, so when she’d remodelled the house about ten years back, she’d put in a bright red backsplash and countertop, with black cupboards. She’d decorated with pops of yellow. The result was somewhat blinding, to my more conservative taste, but it was uniquely her. And it was home. I eyed the bubbling pot on the stove, picking up the wooden spoon resting on the bench to give it a quick stir. I’d learnt to make spaghetti sauce right here in this kitchen, standing on a chair so I could stir and add ingredients to the sauce. The back door swung open, and my mother appeared with a handful of basil leaves. Her permed hair was piled onto the top of her head and held in place with a clip. She jumped when she saw me, her hand covering her heart. “Oh Lord, Elodie. Don’t sneak up on an old woman like that.”

I rolled my eyes and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re not old and you know it.” She’d only turned fifty last month.

“Well, if you keep sneaking in here like that, you’ll age me prematurely.” She looked over my shoulder into the living room. “Where’s Nate?”

“With Rick.”

“Oh.” My mother did nothing to hide her disappointment.

I laughed. “Sorry. I promise I’ll bring him over for you to spoil during the week.”

She rinsed the basil leaves under the tap, before handing them to me to rip and throw into the sauce. Even though I wasn’t looking at her, I could feel her studying me.

“What, Mum?”

“Nothing.”

I turned to her and gave her a look. “Spill it.”

She sighed. “You’re a grown woman. You’re entitled to make your own decisions. But I think you’re making a bad one with Rick.”

I added stock to the sauce instead of answering.

“Do you even love him?”

“He’s the father of my child.”

“Sure, you love him as Nathan’s dad. But do you, as a woman, love him? Because I haven’t seen that sort of love between the two of you since you were kids.”

I shook my head. “You didn’t see Nate’s face when Rick came home. You didn’t see how sad he was when he left.”

“I see it. But you’re my child, Elodie. And I see you too. You aren’t happy when he’s here.”

She took the sauce from the stovetop and turned the knob off before she turned back to face me. Without the distraction of the spaghetti, I had nowhere to look except directly into her eyes.

“Why did you take him back? He never makes you his priority. And he’s never been as committed to you as you are to him.”

I looked to the ceiling. “Thanks, Mum. Good to know you’ve always thought me pathetic.”

She shook her head. “That’s a failing on him, not you. It’s not a bad thing to love someone with all your heart. But can you really say you still feel the same way?”

Did I really have to go over this again? “Nathan’s been so much better at school since Rick’s been home. He got a merit award for having a good attitude at his assembly the other day. And Rick says he wants to be here. He wants to change.”

“But what do you want? Don’t overthink it. Just say it.”

“Mum! I don’t want to do this right now. We’re back together and that’s it.”

“What do you want, Elodie? Just say it.” Her calm tone infuriated me further.

“Stop!”

“What. Do. You. Want?”

My frustration burst its dam and the words exploded from my mouth. “I want Rick to have loved me and Nathan enough to not fucking cheat on me! Is that too much to ask?” My fingers clenched into fists.

“No, it’s not. So, what do you want?”

“I want Nathan to be happy.”

“He will be. When you are. What else?”

Goddamn it. “Jamison.”

Mum paused in her interrogation and lifted an eyebrow. “Jamison?”

Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. I looked away until Mum’s hand rested on my shoulder. “You don’t always have to be perfect, you know?”

I scoffed and threw my hands up in the air. “My husband cheated on me. Married someone else. My kid is miserable. And I ran off the guy I have actual feelings for. I’d hardly call this perfect.”

“You’ve always had an obsession with perfect, Elodie. People always commented on how perfectly well behaved you were as a kid. I could never put that down to my parenting; you just liked being good. You’re always polite and kind. You always had perfect grades at school. You married your high-school sweetheart—the class valedictorian—before you’d even had a single argument.” She sighed. “Don’t get me wrong. I love that you have such a big heart, and it’s an asset to you. But perfect is an illusion, and I think you’re beginning to see that.”

“Rick will always be his dad.”

“Of course. The three of you will always be family. But that doesn’t mean you can’t make room for someone else. Someone that makes you happy, as well as Nathan.”

“It’s not that simple, Mum.” But a voice inside me, one I’d tried to silence for weeks now, whispered that maybe it was. My brain whirled. There was Jamison coaxing Nathan out of his shell within minutes of meeting him. Nathan’s laughter as Jamison slung him over his shoulder and raced toward the jumping castles. His disappointment when Rick hadn’t shown up, and the way he’d asked when Jamison was coming back. And one that had been playing on my heart—Nathan’s scared, timid face as he’d sat silently between Rick and me as we argued at the coffee shop.

“It can be. If you let it,” Mum said gently, before she kissed my cheek and went back to her spaghetti sauce.