Chapter 10

Andrew

 

I don’t remember the last time I cried this much and to be perfectly honest, I don’t know if I ever have cried in my entire adult life. Whatever prompted me to follow Logan back to his apartment, I now realize it was the right thing to do… and I’m so glad I did.

Logan has been the only consistency I’ve had in my life lately, the only stable rock that I can depend on. And he’s so selfless that I don’t even know how to react to him sometimes, because I’ve never been around anyone like him before.

But I do know how it feels. It feels right… normal. It’s a breath of fresh air and I can feel my heart beginning to mend and it’s as if I’m slowly becoming myself. The real me. Ha.

Sitting back against the couch, I look over to Logan. I study his soft skin and masculine features. The nose that’s not too perfect, yet perfect for his face. His masculine jawline and eyes that are a hickory color, an earthy umber that sparkle when he smiles… eyes that exude goodness and kindness.

His thick mane of soft curls that fall delicately onto his forehead. And finally his broody lips with perfect symmetry… the lower being slightly larger and even more luscious and kissable.

I’m super relaxed now and basking in those lips. I want to explore their beauty and sensuality with my own pressed gently against his. Our tongues mingling and exchanging contact as our eyes interlock.

Now serene and more comfortable, I ask Logan, “Can I kiss you again?”

Logan moves closer to me and we stare into each other’s eyes. Then he slowly and gently bends his head and our lips make contact, which immediately sends a surge throughout my body. I use one hand to hold his head close and the other to run my fingers through his soft hair. We rest one side of our heads together on the soft cushion and our tongues explore each other.

I stop briefly and continue to stare into Logan’s warm gaze. I tell him, “I’m in love with you, Logan. I feel something when I’m near you that I haven’t felt with anyone else before. Ever.”

We continue to kiss and that’s when I notice the bulge in Matt’s pants.

I want to reach down and fondle it, but instead I just imagine in my head what it looks like and what it would feel like to touch it. How his dick would feel on my lips and even further into my mouth. This makes me horny and that’s when I become hard as well.

“You’re so fucking hot,” I whisper to Logan and then we continue our kissing, which has become even more passionate. But before I decide I want to go further, I pause.

Something else is on my mind and has been since I’ve arrived. I need to find out if Logan would be open to dating me. For real. I’ve just told him that I love him, but what would happen if he decides that he’s unwilling to take our friendship to the next level because of my unwillingness to separate from Maria or the fear of losing my job?

“Is everything OK?” Logan asks. He must have picked up on my sudden apprehension.

“Everything is great. Being here with you is perfect.” I pause before continuing. “But I do want to talk to you about something if that’s okay.”

“Of course. What is it?” Logan asks.

“I’d love it if we could start dating, Logan. But I…” I’m searching my mind, trying to figure out how to phrase this without turning Logan off. Having opened up to him, I feel that he’s become much more receptive to me and possibly more open to the idea of us being together.

As I continue to struggle for the right words, Logan interjects. “But you’re scared you’ll lose your job and wife if we do it openly. Right?”

He says this so matter-of-factly and somewhat abruptly that it makes me skeptical right off the bat this will go the way I want it to.

I don’t say yes, but instead try to deflect. “I’m filled with a lot of ambivalence, Logan. I don’t want to lie to you and say yes, I’ll come out, and risk losing everything if I don’t fully believe it myself. I’m just trying to be as honest with you as I can.”

The look on Logan’s face has changed a lot since we began talking about this issue. It went from heartwarming compassion to more skepticism and doubt. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him that I love him. It was too early and now I’m afraid I’ve alienated him. Too late now though.

That’s when I decide I just need to come out and ask him. I say, “Do you think for now that you’d be open to seeing me romantically and keeping it a secret? For the time being? I could be making partner at my firm pretty soon and then neither Wyatt nor Maria would have any sway over me. I’d be freer to live how I want to live.”

I watch Logan carefully as he takes in what I just said. I’m hoping that I get the answer that I want, but I also realize that for Logan, it may be asking too much. It would be for anyone.

He folds his arms, which is not a good sign when it comes to open and receptive body language. He chooses his words carefully when he finally answers.

“Andrew, I do see a different side to you since I’ve gotten to know you better and I want to be there for you, whatever you decide to do. But that alone doesn’t change the fact that you’re still living a very different life than me and I don’t know what it would be like to have to pretend.”

It’s obviously not the answer I was hoping for. Suddenly, my body begins to tense up and once again I feel emotionally distressed. I make a sad face and feel lost.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” I say.

Now, feeling more awkward than not, I tell him, “Well, there’s no reason for me to stick around then, I guess.”

I begin to get up and take my coat.

“Wait, Andrew. I didn’t say that I didn’t want to be friends. We can still hang out. I told you that I’d be your friend no matter what.”

But I’m about to burst out crying again, and I’m still not used to that feeling, so I kiss him goodbye and tell him I have to go.

After leaving Logan’s apartment, I don’t know where to go to. The thought of going home sickens me, but I really didn’t have a whole lot of options at this point.

Being rejected by Logan seemed like the last straw. I don’t want to be seen by anyone right now, so I remain in the hallway of Logan’s building and just cry.

I don’t know how or if I’ll be able to recover from this.

After finally leaving the building, I begin to walk. The day has turned from bright and sunny to cloudy and gloomy, just like my own disposition in the last hour, and I’ve never felt more alone in my life.

That’s when I spot a bar. I want to dull the pain I’m having and drinking it away is the only way I can think of doing to get rid of it. If I can’t have Logan in my life as a partner then what is the point?

Before I get to the entrance of the bar, I hear my phone ring and I answer.

“You never called me back.”

It’s Amanda and I completely forgot about calling her.

“Sorry.”

Warily, based on my one word answer, or maybe the tone of voice in which I said it, she says to me, “You don’t sound good, Andrew. Where are you?”

I debate whether or not to get into the whole story of Logan. But she’s been a good confidant and maybe it will do me good to get this off of my chest.

Suddenly, I have an idea and tell Amanda, “Hold on for a second.”

I spot a coffee shop and go inside, away from the noisy traffic. As I’m standing in line, I quietly say to Amanda, “You’re right. I’m not good. Not good at all, actually. I fell in love with someone, but he’s rejected me.”

Amanda is quiet before finally saying, “I’m listening.”

I order my drink and then reply to her, “He’s with the DA’s office and we’ve competed with each other at trials. We also go running together. He doesn’t want to be with me unless I come out… and I can’t honestly say that I blame him.”

Amanda is silent for a while, probably gathering her thoughts. I’m lucky that I have at least one person to talk this over with, regardless of the fact that it will change the outcome. But at least she’s someone who knows me and what I’m struggling with and she’s never betrayed my confidence at work.

Finally, she begins. “What’s more important to you in life, Andrew? Having a wife you don’t love and a job that’s prestigious, but draining the life out of you? Or finding someone you really want to be with and maybe being happy?”

When she puts it that way, it sounds so easy and it makes me wonder to myself what is holding me back. I tell Amanda, “If only Logan was able to give me some time. If he was there to help me through all of this, I think it would be easier for me to face.”

That’s when I hear Amanda in a low voice say, “Yeah.”

I hear my name being called and find a table to sit down at. Some silence in our conversation follows before Amanda begins speaking again. “Look Andrew, it’s as simple as asking yourself how far you’re willing to go to prove to Logan that you mean business. He’s not going to wait around forever. You need to show Logan that you’re–– at the very least–– taking steps in the direction that would indicate to him that you’re serious. You need to get some sort of momentum going.”

Everything that Amanda is saying to me, I agree with, and have mostly thought about myself. Hearing the words spoken out loud though is helping to reinforce what I need to do and I also know that postponing the decision isn’t going to make it any easier when it finally does come time to make it. I’ll need to face this sooner or later.

Amanda adds. “Maybe start with something simple. Maybe you should take the first step and actually see a lawyer. That alone might not be enough to convince Logan to change his mind, but at least it’s a step in the right direction.”

Her brutal honesty is what I need. “I’m glad you called, Amanda. Thank you for not beating around the bush or telling me what you think I might want to hear.”

“You know I could never do that,” she laughs. “I’m much too bossy.”

We say our goodbyes and I drink the rest of my coffee and leave.

I decide to take a long walk back home rather than getting on the subway. The fall weather is perfect for a brisk walk and I’m not in any big hurry to get home anyway. I need to try and clear my mind and put things into perspective. Listening to Amanda was a jolt of reality.

But my initial optimism when hearing her speak is fast crumbling.

My old demons are back, violently pushing me in the direction of the status quo. Don’t make any waves, Andrew. Be a good boy and do what you’re told.

Taking the leap and seeing a divorce lawyer would be a house of cards. My body literally shudders when I think about losing everything.

A divorce would mean I would be dating Logan openly. Dating Logan openly would eventually lead to at the very least, me not making partner. But most likely to my firing. No job, no money.

I’m still baffled at how I could be making such big decisions for someone I just now realized I was so into. I can’t even explain what it is I feel for him or why. It just feels like fate—a fate I can’t ignore.

But how do I undo thirty-seven years of conditioning at the drop of a hat?

I just need more time.