Chapter 16

Andrew

 

It’s finally happened and my life is never going to be the same from here on.

“Andrew,” Logan begins. “Your wife won’t be able to hurt me. She can’t hurt me because you already know I’m out. And I have no money to speak of.”

Logan’s words give me comfort in the fact that at least I know he’s safe. There is nothing she can do to him. Besides, it’s me she wants to hurt anyway.

But knowing Maria, she will try and get revenge on Logan in any way that her diabolical mind can dream up.

“I’m happy that she can’t hurt you, Logan,” I tell him. Being this close to Logan feels comforting and reassuring. But Logan isn’t going to be next to me every minute of every day. Now I have to figure out a way to get my shit together and prepare for what’s about to come next. I don’t exactly know how though.

One can only do so much to get ready for future calamity, especially when you never know when it’s coming. But I do know that sitting here sulking about it isn’t doing any good.

“Come on Logan. Let’s finish our run.” It’s the only thing I can think of at the moment. It’s my go-to action when I’m in the midst of turmoil.

Still concerned, Logan asks, “Are you sure?”

People deal with stress differently, but this is my way. With newfound determination, I say to Logan. “Yep. Sitting here isn’t going to help. Let’s look forward and do what we came here to do. Practice for the marathon.”

Logan rubs my back briefly. “Okay, let’s go,” he says.

We begin where we left off, which is about half way into our six mile run. I begin to think about how Logan and I were having such a perfect day and now this had to happen. I can’t help but feel guilty that the mood is spoiled because of my fucked up life bullshit.

I look over to him. “I’m sorry about all of this. I never meant to drag you into this mess.”

Logan continues running in silence for a few moments then reaches out his arm for me to stop. He takes both hands and grabs onto my arms on either side and says, “Look Andrew. I don’t want you to be sorry for anything. You have been upfront with me all along and I’m a willing participant. I’m here now because I want to be here. With you. I wasn’t kidding when I told you that I’d stick by you. Whatever gets thrown your way, this included. Please don’t doubt me anymore.”

I lean in and kiss Logan once again on the lips. I can feel my eyes begin to tear up. “Now come on,” he says. “We have the rest of our running to do.”

We begin again and I glance over to Logan and smile. In this moment, he’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. His soul is so clean and pure and I wonder how it’s possible that nobody has snatched Logan up yet.

We finish up in about forty five minutes and end up back to our starting point. I know I’m going to have to go home sooner or later, so I might as well get it over with. Who knows, there’s always a chance the photographer wasn’t hired by Maria. No use in getting upset until I know for sure.

I kiss Logan goodbye and feel sadness envelop over me. “Thank you for everything, Logan,” I tell him. “Can I see you later? Tonight or tomorrow?” I ask.

Logan nods. “Definitely. And call me if anything comes up or gets out of hand.”

I agree and turn to begin my walk home. Too many thoughts and emotions are running through me now to make any sense of.

I’m about halfway home when I decide to call Amanda. She answers. “Hi Andrew. What’s up?”

She sounds out of breath, as if she’s just gotten home from somewhere. “I think I was being followed in the park. They took a pic. Of me kissing Logan.”

Amanda excuses herself for being out of breath and says she is in the middle of scrubbing the floor. I ask her if she wants me to call her back and she declines.

“Oh Andrew,” she starts. “Where are you now? Have you been home yet?”

“I’m on my way now. Amanda, I’m just scared. Scared of what Maria is going to do. Trust me, you don’t know what that woman is capable of. I’m pretty sure I’m going to lose everything, my job and all the money I’ve made.” Amanda tells me she’s sorry and asks if I want to come to her house.

“No, thanks. I appreciate you asking though. But I need to face this sooner or later, so it may as well be now.”

“How did Logan react after this happened?” Amanda asks.

As he always does, I think. With calm rationality… you know, the complete opposite of my wife.

I tell her, “Logan’s great… perfect in fact. I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend”

I continue. “Even though Logan has assured me countless times, I’m just afraid that Maria is going to pull out all the stops and make our lives so unbearable, that he’ll eventually tell me that it’s not worth it. That I’m not worth it.” I can feel my body tense up after saying this.

Quickly, Amanda interjects. “Andrew, this is an emotional time for you. Right now you’re surrounded by negativity from all sides, but Logan is one of the bright spots in your life. He wants to help you, just like I do. Trust in his goodness. Trust in mine.”

Listening to Amanda speak is helping me to gain perspective. It’s not only what she’s saying, but how she is saying it. Her voice is direct and to the point, yet carries with it an air of tenderness and compassion that I know is free of bullshit.  

But none of this stops my heart from pounding as I approach my apartment door. I tell Amanda. “Listen sweetheart, I’m home, so I’m going to let you go.”

She responds, “Good luck Andrew. Everything will work out. I know it will. Let me know what happens, okay?”

I thank Amanda for being there for me and say goodbye. As I stand there in front of the door, I can hear Amanda’s voice in my head saying, ‘everything will work out, everything will work out.’

I place the key in the lock very silently. As if it will make any difference. I turn the door handle and open. 

No sooner than I have one foot in the door, Maria pounces on me. She begins to hit me with both hands. With her fists. She screams. “You’re gay? You’re gay?”

I have to hold out my arm to hold her back. “You filthy degenerate. I can’t believe all this time I sleep in same bed with you. You’re a disgusting pervert.”

She spits at the ground.

A part of me is horrified, yet another side of me is completely numb. I’ve become so detached in life that I sometimes don’t even feel like I’m in my own body. That I’m just watching all this play out like a bad movie.

And that’s just sad. 

“I am going to tell your bosses. I will ruin your reputation. Just watch out Andrew. I can’t believe this. What did I do to deserve this? Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what the hell kind of man did I marry?” She begins sobbing.

I go into the living room and sit down and the barrage of insults and the screaming doesn’t stop… it just moves to a new location. I just sit and stare ahead of me trying my best to tune it out, trying not to let it get to me.

“I call your mother and father!!” she threatens. “I tell everyone. You will be ruined Andrew.” She occasionally reverts to her native Portuguese tongue, “Você é bicha,” she screams.

I have a pretty good idea what that means. Suffice it to say, she’s already called me that in English.

“I am going to divorce you and take everything! And you will have no more job!” And then the familiar noises begin of her breaking things. Scream! Crash! Screaming! Crashing! “What will your parents say when they find out? Huh? Do you care?”

Listening to this noise, however detached that I am, is teaching me something valuable and in this moment I’ve come to a realization.

I will never come home to an angry person again.

It is then that I decide to get up and leave. If I had Logan to come home to at night, it certainly wouldn’t be like this. I don’t need to be a victim any longer. I have nothing left to lose at this point.

Maria screams, “Where do you think you’re going? You’re not going to just get up and leave me. Why won’t you say anything? Get back here. Get back here.”

But I’ve made my decision. I go into the bedroom and throw together a few things into a backpack, grab a heavier coat and begin to head to the front door.

“Get back here. Where are you going? To your homosexual lover? What kind of nasty crap is that?” And like the last time I left, the shouting continues. But before I leave, she grabs a hold of my arm and won’t let go. “Get back here. Where do you think you’re going?”

But I push her away and walk out. Now she opens the door and is screaming into the hallway. One of my neighbors opens her door and peers out.

 Welcome to the freak show.

Once outside I begin to sob. I begin walking and the wind is rushing on my face. The leaves are blowing wildly around me and all I can see through my eyes are blurry lights of red and white. Horns honking and the sound of the wind. I can’t even see in front of me but trust that I won’t walk into anything

My sobbing continues as I walk. I’m crying for myself, for my years of pain. Pain that I let build up. Pain that I let fester inside of me until it turned into a cancerous mix of shame and guilt. The tears are thrashing out uncontrollably, like vomit. My demons are being released like an exorcism.

Years upon years of stuffing everything inside. Doing what I was told, when I was told and fearful of questioning any of it. The good son, the good employee and husband. The perfect person.

I have no idea who that person is any longer.