All night long, I dreamed of Kayla. Of her hand on my cheek. Her sugary scent. Her lips against mine. Our bodies naked and entwined, sweat slicking our skin.
As I woke up, reality hit me. I was alone in my bed, burrowed under my blue comforter. The warmth I felt was my own body heat and there was no sugary scent to be found on my pillow.
A familiar hollow ache sat heavy in my chest, brimming with loneliness and longing.
It was worse than usual, because last night had given me a tiny taste of what it was like to be wanted. It was like having a carrot dangled in front of my face, only to have it snatched away.
I groaned as I opened my eyes, squinting against the daylight coming through the window. Raindrops pelted off the glass and thunder rolled in the distance. Perfect day to lay in bed all day, wallowing in shameless self-pity.
I had another familiar ache, but it was a little lower.
Slipping my hand into my boxer briefs, I grasped my morning wood and squeezed.
Rubbing one out to thoughts of Kayla was just about as normal as breathing, and with the dreams fresh in my mind it wouldn’t take long.
I thought about the way she looked at me last night, and I imagined what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t been such a pussy. If I’d just accepted whatever she was offering, even if it wasn’t mine to take.
I imagined her tongue pushing past my lips and her fingers running through my hair.
Stroking my erection from base to tip, I pretended it was her hand around my cock. My balls drew up tight as I tightened my grip. Up and down. Over and over. Faster.
I wondered what sounds she’d make when I slid my hand into her jeans, cupping her hot—
The doorbell rang, and I went still, listening and waiting for my parents to answer it. The chime rang again, then knocking followed.
Damn.
Tucking my hard-on up against my stomach, I quickly threw on a pair of black gym shorts and a clean T-shirt. I hobbled down the steps and opened the front door to the last person I expected to see.
“Kayla.”
She gave me a timid smile. “You got a second to talk?”
“Sure.” I reluctantly closed the door behind me, and like a perv, my eyes went straight to her ass as she strolled across my porch. The white skinny jeans she had on fit her shape like a glove.
I forced my eyes away to the front yard, and when I did, I noticed my car sitting in the driveway.
“Did you bring my car back?”
Kayla turned and smiled at me. “Gavin helped. I drove it here and he followed in my car. He decided to jog back to his house.” She shrugged. “Sorry if you’re weird about other people driving your car, but I really enjoyed the punk CD you’ve got playing.”
My brain short circuited for a second because if she was with Gavin this morning, that meant she’d probably stayed with him last night.
Fuck. Not what I wanted to think about right now. The mental image of her doing something as innocent as cuddling in bed with someone else sent a jolt of white-hot rage through me. Maybe it was testosterone, but as I got older, it became harder to tamp down the possessiveness I felt toward her.
Rubbing at my temple, I shook my head. “That was nice of you. Thanks.”
Kayla sat on the old wicker swing and patted the spot next to her. I walked over to it, trying my best to conceal my uneven gait and failing. Between morning stiffness and the rain, my pain was on another level.
Frowning, she watched me as I carefully eased into the seat. “Are you still hurting from the fall on Friday?”
“No. The weather makes it act up.” I gestured to the wet drizzle and the clouds. “Barometric pressure and all that fun stuff.”
She placed her hand over my thigh above the knee, and I bit my lip to stifle a groan.
Regret flashed across her face, and she moved her arm away like she’d been burned. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Don’t be sorry. It felt nice. The heat from your hand… heat helps.”
“Oh,” she said, an attractive blush blooming on her cheeks.
She put her hand back and started making light massaging motions, kneading my aching muscles and tendons. My mind went straight to the gutter, picturing those delicate fingers wrapped around my dick. The slinky material of my shorts was a thin barrier, and it almost felt like her hand was on my bare skin.
If I’d known she was coming over, I would’ve put on pants. I usually kept my leg covered, because there were several visible scars. Although, most of them were concealed by leg hair now. Thanks, puberty.
Kayla’s thumb dug into a particularly sore spot, and I let out a grunt.
“That—that feels really good.”
With a nod, she hummed and traveled higher up my thigh. It felt too good. I needed to concentrate on something else because flimsy shorts were terrible for hiding a raging hard-on.
Clearing my throat, I locked my gaze onto hers.
“I’m sorry I left things the way I did last night. It wasn’t that I didn’t want you—well, that’s obvious from my sketchbook.” My face burned with humiliation over her discovery, but there was no reason to pretend it didn’t exist. “It never occurred to me that you might’ve returned my feelings. I’m just…”
I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t willing to share her, but my train of thought derailed. Because her hand on my leg, the sweet smell emanating from her skin, my heart splayed wide open for her—it was overwhelming and consuming. I wanted to stay in this moment, where we could both pretend we were the only people who existed.
Glancing away, I focused on the old wooden slabs on the porch underneath my bare feet. The once-white paint was dirty and peeling in some places. Dad and Jimmy would probably strip it and repaint it soon. They wouldn’t ask me to help. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I couldn’t.
“Please look at me,” Kayla requested quietly, and I did as she said. “When I said things would’ve been different, I meant we could’ve been together and I wouldn’t have given a damn about what anyone had to say about it.”
“Why?” I was thoroughly confused. How could she possibly choose someone like me over one of the most sought-after guys at school? Everyone loved Gavin, especially the girls.
“Because—” She swallowed hard. “—because like I said last night, I feel the same about you. I’ve had a crush on you for a really long time.”
I blinked. “But what about Gavin?”
“Gavin is my best friend, not my boyfriend. When we started spending a lot of time together, everyone assumed we were a couple.” Biting at the thumbnail on her free hand, she hiked a shoulder. “We didn’t correct them.”
“Correct them…?” I still wasn’t catching onto what she was trying to tell me.
Looking around as if someone might overhear her, she whispered, “Gavin’s gay.”
And my jaw dropped.
“Are you being serious right now?” I whispered back.
“Yes, but you can’t tell anyone. No one, got it?” she asked and I nodded. “His parents don’t even know. The only reason I’m telling you is because he gave me permission. He and I had a good thing; people didn’t mess with me too much after they thought we were together, and no one ever questioned his sexual preference. Win-win for both of us. It might’ve seemed like he was always protecting me, but I’ve been protecting him too.”
“Holy shit.” I took a moment to digest the new information, and the missing pieces fell into place. Looking back, I realized I’d never seen them be overly affectionate with each other. Playful, yes. But romantic? Not really. I just thought they weren’t big into PDA. “I never would’ve guessed that about him.”
“That’s because you’re good in here.” She tapped my chest. “You see without judgment. But some people notice things like that. They look for faults or weaknesses. And once they find it, they use it to make that person feel like they’re less. Someone would’ve wondered why Gavin never dated girls at school. And if he did date, word would’ve gotten around that he wasn’t interested in them, physically.”
I nodded, truly understanding that she was right. “High school probably would’ve been bad for him if that was the case.”
“Yeah. But, Ezra, I wanted you.” Her warm palm still caressed my knee. “I just thought you didn’t want me back.”
“How could you possibly think that?”
“You hid it really well,” she replied with a shrug. “And I guess I wasn’t obvious enough.”
Tipping my head toward her, I grinned. “I’m a guy. We’re kind of clueless sometimes.”
Amused, her lips tipped up. Then a frown took over. “I leave for vacation on Tuesday.”
“And I leave next week for the retreat.”
“We won’t see each other for a long time.” Sad eyes blinked up at me.
During the time we’d been sitting outside, the humidity in the air had caused Kayla’s hair to start to take its natural shape. I’d been watching it—first the ends started to curl. Then the rest followed suit by lifting at the roots, defying gravity around her face in round waves. When it was straight, the length fell below her breasts, but now it was just a couple inches past her shoulders.
She hated it when people fucked with her hair, but I couldn’t help it. I needed to feel the smooth texture. Wanted to see the coil spring back after I pulled it taut and let it go.
Reaching out, I twirled one of the silky copper strands around my finger. She didn’t shrug away from me or slap my hand, so that was a good sign.
“You going to school tomorrow morning?” I asked. The half-day was optional for seniors, and most people wouldn’t show up unless they hadn’t cleaned out their lockers or picked up their yearbooks yet. If Kayla and I went, it was likely that we’d only see each other in passing, but a few minutes was better than nothing at all.
“I was planning on it,” Kayla replied, still seeming totally okay with the fact that I was toying with the curl. “I have some art projects to pick up. What about you?”
I released the ringlet, fascinated by the way it bounced. “I wasn’t going to, but if you’ll be there, I’ll come too.”
“I guess I’ll see you then.” A huge grin stretched across her face. “And since I got a peek at your sketchbook, I felt it was only fair that I show you something of mine.”
She pulled a small pink photo album from her purse.
I took it from her, eager to get a glimpse into her personal life. ‘Nailed It’ was spelled out in multi-colored glitter stickers on the front. When I opened to the first page, I tilted my head, trying to figure out what I was looking at.
“What is this?”
“That—” She pointed to the picture of what looked like a lumpy sweater. “—is a scarf.”
I turned the book to the side as I tried to figure out where the scarf began and where it ended. God, it was like a bad toupee.
“Hmm.” I just nodded because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
“I saw this tutorial on Pinterest where someone made hats, gloves, and scarves out of upcycled wool shirts they got from thrift stores,” she explained. “It was supposed to be great for Christmas gifts.”
“Oh. That was nice of you,” I said kindly as my eyes went back to the gray pile. “Did you ever give it to someone?”
“No. I’m not that cruel.” Giggles erupted from Kayla as she flipped to the next picture.
What the fuck? I peered closer. It was a muffin tin, but whatever was inside the cups definitely wasn’t edible. The concave shapes looked charred. “Is that chocolate chips or blueberries?”
“A fun fact about me—the answer is always chocolate,” she stated with a laugh. “It took me an hour to clean that crusty thing, and I still ended up throwing the pan away.”
When I made it to the next photo, I let out an impressed whistle. “Hey, this is a nice quilt.”
And it was. The colorful square patches were sewn together with raggedy edges. It had a rustic style to it and it looked warm.
Nodding, she smiled. “It did turn out okay, but the materials cost about $250 and it took me nineteen months to finish it. Obviously, after an investment like that I have to keep it forever.”
The entire book was filled with evidence of Kayla’s Pinterest fails. Mini apple pies that didn’t turn out right. A coffee table made out of an old pallet, which she said had to be thrown away after everyone in the family got horrible splinters from the half-rotted wood.
And the embroidered handkerchief she’d given me. I’d washed it and gotten the blood stains out, but I had no intention of giving it back.
The last photo was just as confusing as the first two. Thin white sticks stood up in some kind of plastic holder, and each skewered a goopy brown clump of… something.
“What are these supposed to be?”
“Cake pops.” She hung her head.
“Oh, God.” I laughed so hard my stomach muscles burned. “This is bad.”
“I know.” Grinning, she nudged me with her shoulder before taking the album back. “So now you know I’m not good at everything.”
“I would’ve worn that scarf with pride and eaten every one of those cake pops,” I told her, just to make her feel better.
“Don’t encourage me. I’ve banned myself from that website.” She attempted to give me a stern look and I barked out a laugh. “Well, I guess I should get going. I have to pack for my trip.”
Kayla bit her lip before standing, and I already missed the loss of her next to me. I stood, too, and followed her to the steps. She’d just hopped off the last one when she turned around.
“Will you call me? While you’re at your retreat.”
The rain had turned to a light mist, causing her wild spirals to stick out around her face. It reminded me of the first day I met her.
“I don’t know if I can.” I hated saying no to her, especially when she looked so fucking cute. “I told you this place is intense and it’s a bit unconventional. We’re not supposed to be distracted. There’s a no cell phone rule. No internet either. That’s how much it’s gonna suck.”
“Would you write to me then? I’m sure that has to be allowed. I want more of your letters.”
I could give her that. “Only if you promise to write me back.”
“I promise.”
As I watched her skip to her car, there was a pain in my jaw and it took me a second to realize it was because I was smiling so much. I hadn’t been this happy in… pretty much ever.
Kayla liked me. She didn’t have a boyfriend. We’d be going to the same college together. And for the first time, there was a light at the end of the dark tunnel I’d been living in.
I had a plan for the future.
Determination set in. I was going to get better at the retreat this summer, and then I’d be the kind of guy worthy of her.