12. Time

Katherine

I haven’t told Jason about the pregnancy and I never wished that he were here with me more than I do right now. I know he left last night to deal with David, and I was okay with that. Before, it would’ve bugged me when he used violence to deal with violence, but in this case I could care less what happened to David. My give-a-fuck meter was low. He must have come back really late because he wasn’t here when I eventually went to bed, but when I tried to roll over in the middle of the night, I rolled right into him and that gloriously naked chest of his.

“Good morning, beautiful.”

I love the sound of his voice in the morning, it’s husky and sexy as fuck.

“Good morning,” I smile into his side.

“Coffee?”

“Hmm, tea for me, please.”

Jay raises a questioning eyebrow. “You never drink tea. You okay?”

“Yeah, just trying to cut down on my caffeine consumption,” I say dismissively while getting up and making my way to the attached bathroom.

When I come out, Jay is busy making us breakfast. Shirtless.

Oh, be still my racing heart.

Just as my eyes trace down the narrowing of his back to his hips, I notice a piece of paper sticking out from his back pocket.

“What’s in your pocket?” I ask, my curiosity getting the better of me.

Jay turns, a playful smirk on his face and I can see in his eyes that he’s battling with himself not to turn my question into a dirty joke. He surprises me when he moves closer, his thumb gently stroking the side of my face, his forehead resting on mine.

“Give us a chance, Kat. I know I’m not rich and I can’t ever promise you fancy houses and cars, or expensive vacations. But I can promise to give you all of me. I can promise to love you like no one ever could. Just…give me a chance.”

Tears flow down my face as I slowly shake my head. Regret instantly floods my body. I wish I could just tell him the truth. I would choose him in a heartbeat.

If only that choice was mine to make.

His shoulders drop in defeat as his hand slips from my face and goes to pull the piece of paper from the back pocket of his jeans. Standing up straighter, he unfolds the paper and tosses it on the kitchen counter beside us before turning and retracing his steps to the couch and retrieving his shirt.

“What’s that?”

“An offer to re-enlist and join my old spec ops team.”

“You’re going back to the military? Were you going to tell me?”

He shrugs with his back still facing me. “I just did.”

‘That’s bullshit, Jay.” I wipe away the last of the tears from my face. “Guess we’re not so different after all, you and I.”

His hand pauses on the doorknob as he glances over his shoulder at me. “We are different, Kat. Because I would’ve chosen you over the military. I would’ve always chosen you.”

I move to take a step closer to him but he shakes his head. “Don’t.”

“Don’t leave,” I plead when he starts twisting the door handle.

“I’m in love with you, Katherine. And I’ll always be there for you but right now I can’t stand here and pretend that I don’t.”

I’m shaking my head when he looks over his shoulder at me. “I mean don’t leave. Don’t re-enlist.”

As if on cue my phone rings. The slam of my front door echoes throughout my apartment behind him. 

I wish I had told Jay the truth from the beginning, but I guess making something up and sticking with the lie was easier than having to admit the truth. That I was pregnant with his baby. And that I wanted to keep it. My entire life, I was convinced that I never wanted children because I never wanted to subject them to the same upbringing I had. I was afraid that I would end up exactly like my mother. It was my worst nightmare.

But now that I’m pregnant, I don’t think I’ve been happier. Just knowing that there’s a little person growing inside of me at this very moment warms my heart and brings a smile to my face.

I’ve been learning a lot about who I am and the type of person I want to be. And just when I thought life couldn’t throw any more punches at me it proved me wrong when my phone rang with an unknown number.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Miss Katherine Young?” the older male voice asks.

“It is.”

“My name’s Arthur Williams. I’m sorry to inform you but your father, Chad Young, passed away last night.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

I’m having a hard time processing what this man is telling me. My dad passed away last night. He was fine when I saw him last. I shut my eyes. It was months ago. The last time I saw my dad was months ago, and then ten years before that.

“Your father left me something to send to you in case of his death. Is your address still the same? Applewood Street?”

“Y-yes that’s the right one.”

“I will mail out the letter this afternoon then. I am sorry for your loss, Miss Young,” he says then hangs up.

I don’t even know where to go from here. My first instinct is to call Jason but as my thumb hovers over his name in my contact list I know that is no longer an option. I know he said that I didn’t have to make up an excuse to call him or want to see him but the way he left earlier makes me believe that he no longer thinks that.

I scroll a few names up and text Alice instead.

 

***

“So, let me get this straight,” Alice says making herself more comfortable on the barstool by my kitchen counter as I make us dinner, “you and Jay ended up in bed together months ago, after one too many tequila shots at the club. And you thought it was just a one-night stand but he told you he wanted more. Then you started working at Walker Advertising and met David. How am I doing so far?” Alice processes out loud.

“Pretty good but Jay never said anything about wanting to be together.”

“Okay, so you go back to Toronto to see how your mom’s doing after her stroke and when you get back to your hotel room Jay is there. You guys stay up all night talking and then have a romantic day exploring the city the next day.”

“Correct.”

“So then when you guys get back to town, you put the brakes on it again.”

I shake my head. “No, that was after running into him at the pub and him telling me how I only want him when I’m drunk. But that didn’t last long because I practically jumped him when he came over four days later.”

“Then the next morning, you tell Jay it was a mistake to sleep with him?” Alice continues.

I cringe but confirm everything she’s said so far.

“And you found out you’re pregnant the day after you left the club together?”

“I never told him about the baby,” I add.

“Why not?”

“Alice,” I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, “even if I wanted to, what if Jay doesn’t want this baby?”

“No, I get it,” Alice defends. “But don’t underestimate Jay. He’ll be overjoyed knowing that you’re carrying his child.”

“I know,” I sigh, linking my arms around her waist. “My thoughts and emotions are all over the place since finding out I’m pregnant and then finding out my dad passed away less than a week later. What if I just made the biggest mistake of my life and lost him?”

Alice pulls away but places her hands on my shoulders. “You didn’t lose Jay. He’ll come around.”

I shake my head. “No, he won’t. He got an offer to rejoin his old spec ops team. He’s re-enlisting in the military.”

“What? No, he’s not.”

“Yeah, he is, Alice. I saw the letter with my own two eyes.”

Alice leans a hip against the counter and folds her arms across her chest narrowing her eyes at me. “You have to tell him, Kat. Before he gets on that plane.”

“That sounds a little cliché.”

“So? Who gives a fuck? You really want him getting on that plane and going to god-knows-where without knowing that he could be a dad?”

“Could be,” I repeat back to her.

“When’s your doctor’s appointment?”

“Tomorrow.”

“When does Jay fly out?”

I shrug my shoulders. “I have no idea.”

She pulls her phone out from the back pocket of her jeans and her thumbs start flying over the screen.

“What are you doing?” I ask trying to see her screen.

“Texting Mike. He’ll know when Jay flies out.”

Less than a minute later her phone pings with a text.

“What did he say?” I’m so nervous I’m chewing on the cuticle on my thumb.

“He flies out in three days,” she reads before looking up at me. “Your appointment is tomorrow. Once you find out for sure then you can tell him.”

‘What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me?”

“Kat, stop. The guy has been madly in love with you for a while now.”

I shake my head. “Alice, I can’t be the reason he doesn’t go back to doing something he wants to do.”

“Katherine Marie Young, if that blood test comes back positive and you don’t tell him, I will.” Alice says, sticking her finger in my direction.

“Fine,” I huff, feeling defeated. “You suck.”

Alice grins and wiggles her eyebrows. “I do.”

“Oh Jesus, I didn’t need to know that.” I roll my eyes and paste on my best disgusted face but it doesn’t work and Alice and I are doubling over with laughter. We spend the rest of our night watching Disney movies and eating the butter chicken I made for us for dinner.

Before she leaves she hugs me again. “You know you’re not alone in this. Whatever the results, Dani and I will be here for you.”

“I know. Thank you, Alice.”

“See ya later, Kat and George.”

“George?”

Alice grins and quirks an eyebrow at my still flat stomach.

Oh hell no, she did not just name my non-existent baby bump.

 

***

 

After pouring myself the biggest glass of orange juice I could, I swipe the white envelope from the dining room table where it’s been sitting for the last three days, and sit on my couch, pulling my legs up under me while grabbing the blanket off the back. With a deep inhale, I slip my finger under the tab and rip open the envelope, pulling out several pages decorated with my father’s handwriting.

 

My dearest daughter,

If you are reading this that means my lawyer has contacted you. That also means that the cancer has finally won. The doctors say it’s liver cancer and they’re not sure how much longer I may have. I’ve refused any treatment they offered and I think I’ll be okay to finally be at peace.

But before I go, I need to try and give you the answers to the questions I know you must have about your childhood. I don’t think there is anything I could say that would make up for the years that I failed you as a father, and an apology just doesn’t seem fitting after ten years but I must try.

Katherine, I am so sorry for not protecting you like a father should. I was weak and a coward, and I saw it in your eyes every time you would look at me.

My marriage to your mother was never easy. We found out she was pregnant when we were just sixteen and I thought I was doing the right thing by asking her to be my wife. After that our relationship was always strained.

Then you came along.

You were so perfect and every time you looked up at me with your big amber eyes, you smiled. Even then your mother refused to have anything to do with you and when she did hold you, you would cry until I picked you up. I should’ve known then that it would not be a good environment for you but I thought that the best place for you was with both your parents. Oh, how wrong I was.

The beatings didn’t start until you were two and accidentally got into her makeup. My heart broke when I came home from work and saw the bruises marring your tiny body. And all for something so materialistic. But that was your mother, though; things were always more valuable to her than people.

You may not know this but I did threaten to leave her and take you with me. But Katherine, you must understand that even back then, fathers didn’t have the same parental rights as the mothers did. Your mother threatened to call the police and charge with me kidnapping if I ever took you away. So, I stayed, but I couldn’t stand the way she treated you or the scared look in your eyes every day. I turned to alcohol after that to numb the pain of seeing that fear in your eyes. I was in a constant state of drunkenness.

I know that none of this makes any of it easier to understand. You were my little girl and I knew if I left you behind with her she would never let me see you again and if I took you with me I would’ve ended up behind bars. It was a no-win situation.

I was also a coward. I should’ve stood up to her, demanded a divorce and pleaded with the courts for full custody of you given her treatments towards you but I never did.

I know saying sorry isn’t going to cut it after all these years but I am sorry, Katherine. I wish I could’ve been the father you wanted. The father you deserved.

But you never needed me to, Katherine. You turned out to be a strong, passionate, successful woman. You are beautiful not just on the outside but on the inside. And I am proud to call you my daughter. I just hope and pray that you can heal from the past. I pray that you are able to love yourself and to realize that your past doesn’t predict your future. I hope you know that you don’t need another person’s love to feel your worth.

You are worthy of love, Katherine. I should’ve told you that years ago, but I’m telling you now. Love yourself first. When you do that, everything will fall into place.

Also, I don’t want you to come to the funeral. I don’t say that out of malice. I say it out of a father’s love for his daughter. For years, your mother had such a strong hold over you. Don’t give that back to her again. You don’t owe her anything. I never held you leaving against you. In fact, the day you left I couldn’t have been more proud and relieved. Leave us behind in your past, Katherine.

If I only did one thing right in this world, it was having you as a daughter. I hope that one day you’ll be able to forgive me.

Love,

Your father, Chad Young.

 

Tears stream down my face and my throat burns as I reread my father’s last words. I cry for that little girl who was afraid of her mother and just wanted her father to love her. I cry for all those years that my father and I could’ve spent rebuilding our relationship if only we had reached out to each other and I wasn’t so hell bent on punishing him.

He’s right though, the apology is too little too late but I finally get it. I wasn’t the only one living in fear of my mother. I was too young to see it then but I understand more about my father now. My hand flies to my still flat belly.

“It’s just you and me now, George.”

Yeah, I’m not naming my kid George.

 

~Twenty-two years ago~

 

When I wake up, it’s like waking up in a dream. There are bright lights and a person in a white coat is standing over me.

“Am I dead?” I ask.

He laughs and shakes his head. My gaze slowly scans the room. There are tubes hooking me up to different machines, and my favorite pink blanket is sitting at the end of my bed. Someone must have brought it from my house when I was asleep. That is the only color visible in the stark white room; there are no flowers, no get well cards.

It is all evidence that no one cares about what happened. Then it hits me, where is my mother?

As if sensing what I am thinking, the doctor smiles gently.

“Your mother’s on her way to see you. You should be able to leave in a couple days.”

It was at that news that I turn and stare at him standing beside my hospital bed. Why would they send me back with her? It just didn’t make any sense but they couldn’t have known what she had done. Did they?

“You’re lucky your dad found you when he did,” he informs me as he places my chart back in the holder and smiles down at me.

“My dad?”

“He brought you in, said you’d fallen down the stairs at home. He found you when he got home from work.”

“Is he still here?” I ask wishfully but already know the answer.

“He couldn’t stay but he said he would be back tomorrow.”

Tears start clouding my vision as what I just learned sinks in. My dad brought me to the hospital. He came home. But why didn’t he tell them the truth about what happened? Why would he let them give me to her? Why was he being so cruel?

I don’t want to go back. I wish that I could stay in this hospital room forever. Safe from my mother.

I like the nurses here, they all wear genuine smiles and were happy with my progress. They ask about school and what grade I am in and they ask what I like to do for fun. Every day is like a party in the pediatric ward. One of the nurses makes all the kids balloon animals and we get to hang them up from the ceiling in our rooms. Mine is a pink dog I named Pinky.

“Hi! Honey.”

I turn my head at the familiar voice. She looks like an angel. Her brown hair cascading in loose curls framing her defined features. Her brown eyes sparkle with concern. To the outside world she looks like a concerned mother, worried about her only child.

I, however, know better. I know what she is capable of and I don’t want to go home with her. Inside I plead with the doctor not to let her take me but what good will that do. They can’t hear my thoughts and if they could they wouldn’t understand.

Nobody understands.

“Hi, Momma” I reply

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine” I lie.

She seems happy with that answer as she takes a seat on the chair that is located on the left side of my bed.

“That was some show you put on for the doctors and all the nurses,” she says, leaning in so that I am the only one who can hear her. “You know there are consequences for showing off and taking advantage of all these nice people,” she snarls.

“I’m s-sorry,” I reply, feeling the fear of her words creeping up my spine. I know what she means by consequences. That word usually means I will end up with another broken rib and quite possibly another broken nose and definitely some bruises to finish it off. It means wearing clothes that cover my body from the tops of my shoulders to the tips of my toes. It means pretending to be sick so that I won’t have to participate in gym class.

I sigh,, trying not to make it obvious. The scene that will enviably play out once I get home runs through my mind a dozen times. My eyes suddenly feel heavy and I am being dragged back into the darkness.