“I’m not coming with you.”
“Of course you’re not, silly. It’s girls’ night.”
“No, I mean to college. To New York. I’m not coming with you.”
Alyssa stared in disbelief at the boy who had promised her everything. One moment she was savoring a cappuccino and the tangible hope that everything was finally about to change for the better and the world was finally going to show her its good colors, and the next the world was turning gray again.
“What are you talking about?” she asked, and even to her own ears her voice sounded too calm, too quiet.
Across the table by the large window in the Glaudins’ diner, Prince shifted in his seat. He looked uncomfortable, but not nearly as miserable as Alyssa would expect him to look after dropping such a bombshell.
“You heard me,” he said, attempting a hard voice.
The try to cover up his feelings with a distant act made Alyssa’s blood boil even hotter.
“Yes, I heard you,” she hissed. “And I can’t believe what I heard. What do you mean, you’re not coming?”
Prince looked up at her. There was some sort of pain in his green eyes that she couldn’t give a name to and also a determination she had not expected. Was he really that dedicated to leaving her?
He opened his mouth and looked on the verge of saying something, but then he shook his head and stood.
“I’m just not coming,” he said.
With that, he all but ran out of the diner.
Alyssa reacted instantly. She hurriedly threw a few bills on the table, not even looking at what they were and too taken up in the situation to resent him for leaving her to pay for breakfast on top of it all, and dashed after him.
She caught up with him halfway up the street.
“Wait!” she cried. “Prince!” She hurried her pace, and finally she was close enough to him that she could reach out and grab his arm, effectively stopping him from running further away from her.
He turned around, and for a moment she thought she saw a flicker of something else on his handsome features. It was gone in an instant, however, and Alyssa decided she had imagined it.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she all but yelled in his face. “You can’t drop a bomb like that and then run out on me!”
Prince threw an uncomfortable look around. “People are watching,” he said quietly.
“Let them,” Alyssa said, shooting a glare at the passersby who were indeed glancing curiously in their direction. “I don’t care.”
“Well, I do.”
“Well, I’m not feeling very sympathetic towards your feelings at the moment.”
For a few moments they stood unmoving in the middle of the sidewalk, having their own private stare-down.
Finally, Alyssa said, “You owe me an explanation.” Her tone was much calmer, but her stomach was in knots. Just what the hell was going on?
Prince sighed heavily. “I guess I do,” he said. “But let’s not do it here.”
Alyssa nodded. She agreed that the middle of the road was no place to have a conversation of any kind, let alone one as important as this.
Twenty minutes later, they were back at her house. It was blissfully empty, being the middle of a summer day. Her dad was at the hospital and her mom was at the primary school’s summer camp along with the other teachers—and Alyssa knew she could yell as much as she wanted, if need be.
She sat on the swing on the front porch and looked at Prince expectantly. Hesitantly, he sat down beside her. She had lost count of the times they would sit just like this on the soft cushions, enjoying the outside air—but then again, they had never sat like this. Not with this heaviness between them.
“What’s going on, Prince?” she eventually demanded.
Alyssa’s heart was beating a mile a minute. What could have possibly changed in the span of twelve hours? The previous night, Prince had been as excited as ever about their plans of escaping Pinebrook together. They were both twenty-two years old, and it was about time. Alyssa had been accepted to the prestigious Corner University of Veterinary Medicine in Ithaca, New York, shortly after she had sent in her application before graduating from high school. She had put it off in order for Prince to have enough money to move with her and attend community college. It was their dream to escape Pinebrook together, and God knew Prince needed it even more than she did.
Now, four years down the road, after much hard work on both parts, the time had finally come. They would leave in September. Or so Alyssa had thought until today.
Prince was silent for so long that Alyssa thought she would have to repeat the question, but then he finally spoke.
“I’ve decided not to come.”
She suddenly felt like hitting him. “Yes,” she said coolly, “that much I gathered. I want to know why.”
“I…” He licked his lips nervously and looked away briefly. “I’ve decided to do something else with my life.”
Alyssa frowned. She had never felt this confused in her life. “Such as…?”
Prince took a deep breath. He was obviously on the verge of panicking, but he still somehow found the strength to look her straight in the eye as he said the very last thing Alyssa had ever expected him to say: “I’ve decided to join the Devil’s Fighters.”
She could actually feel her eyes widen and her heart stop for a split second. “Is this a joke?” she said when she could find her voice again.
“No,” he said.
Just like that. “No.” Alyssa couldn’t wrap her mind around it.
“It has to be,” she finally said.
“It’s not a joke. They offered me a position.”
“Do you hear yourself?” she finally snapped. “‘A position?’ It’s not a fucking corporate job you’re talking about; it’s a goddamned motorcycle gang!”
Prince had the nerve to give her a small grin. “I’ve never heard you swear so much in one sentence.”
Alyssa glared daggers into him. “Prince, you can’t be serious,” she said after a moment, her anger being quickly replaced with concern that was more akin to panic than anything else. “You hate those guys. What’s gotten into you?”
Prince shrugged. “They’re not that bad.”
Alyssa looked at him incredulously. “‘Not that bad?’” she repeated, stunned. “Since when are they ‘not that bad?’”
“Lately I’ve had a few chances to get to know them better, and it’s…well…it’s complicated, Alyssa. You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me,” she said immediately, knowing that the only hope she had of getting him back from wherever crazy place he had gone was to keep the dialogue flowing. “Make me understand.”
Prince bit down on his bottom lip as he always did when he was nervous or really cared about getting a point across and was looking for the words to do just that. “They have certain dynamics…”
“What dynamics?” Alyssa prompted when he fell back into silence.
“Family dynamics.”
Alyssa blinked. If she had been confused before, now she was utterly at a loss. “What?”
“They’re like a family. They look out for one another; they have each other’s back. You know I never had something like that.”
“I know,” Alyssa admitted reluctantly. To say that Prince’s situation at home was bad was probably the understatement of the century.
“If I join, they can give me that. Belonging.”
Alyssa looked at him—really looked at him—and with a pang of sharp, gut-wrenching pain she realized she had already lost him. He was already gone. There was nothing she could say or do to get him back. It was split-second revelation, a lightning-fast epiphany, but one that was inescapable.
“I can give you that,” she said weakly, because even though he had already left her she had to say it.
He gave her a small, sad smile. “No,” he said, as gently as he could, “you can’t.”
The words cut deeper than anything she had ever experienced. Alyssa stared at the boy in front of her, and she didn’t recognize him. She didn’t recognize that steely glint in his eyes, that distant feel to his posture. He was sitting right next to her, but he was already gone.
“I put my life on hold for four years for you,” she said quietly. She did not mean to throw it in his face, but she felt she was entitled to mention it.
He had the good grace to cringe visibly. “I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”
“Are you?”
Prince blinked. “Of course I am,” he said. He looked confused. “I never meant to hurt you.”
“But you meant to string me along.”
“No!” he said quickly, vehemently. “You know that’s not true.”
“Do I?” Alyssa retorted. “I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” She hesitated. She wasn’t a fan of melodrama, but she figured she had better say anything she was feeling. After all, it really looked like she wouldn’t have the chance to do it again. “I feel like I don’t know you anymore. And it’s surreal, because we were having breakfast only half an hour ago, and you were still you then.”
“It’s still me, Aly,” Prince said.
Alyssa stared at him in disbelief. “No, it’s not, and you’re a fool if you really think it is.”
“I’m sorry,” he said again, after a few moments of the heaviest silence either of them had ever experienced.
“Stop saying that,” Alyssa snapped.
“It’s the truth.”
“Bullshit.” Alyssa could feel her heart breaking and a tear opening up within her that was quickly growing into an abyss. “No one who even had the ability to feel sorry would ever pull a stunt like this.”
Prince sighed. “It’s not a stunt, Alyssa,” he said. “It’s just something I have to do.”
“No, it’s not!” she finally snapped, all but shooting to her feet. She could hear her voice breaking, but she didn’t care. “Shitting all over your future for a motorcycle gang is not something you have to do!”
“Aly—”
“Look me in the eye,” she cut him off sharply. “Look me in the eye and tell me this is really what you want.”
Prince stood slowly. He stepped closer to her until they were standing only a couple of inches apart. Alyssa’s stomach spasmed. It was like looking at a car crash in slow motion. His green eyes kept her in place, rooting her to the spot.
“This is really what I want.”
There it was. He had said it. And he had looked her in the eye. Alyssa could practically feel her world collapsing in on itself.
“Go.”
“Alyssa, please. Don’t do this.”
“I’m not doing anything. You’ve done it all yourself.”
“Aly—”
“I said, go,” Alyssa repeated through gritted teeth and past the enormous lump in her throat.
Prince did. He hesitated, but eventually he did.
“I love you,” he said as he stepped off the porch of the house.
“No,” Alyssa said, “you don’t.”
And she had never known anything as certainly as she knew that.
*****
That was the last time she saw Prince. She had packed her things the very next day and told her parents she would leave early in order to get acquainted with the place. She knew they could tell she was running from what they thought was a mere breakup, but to their credit they never said anything about it to her.
The thought that, if Bennie Lenday was to keep his word (and he usually did), she would probably see Prince again tomorrow had her stomach in knots. Would she even recognize him? Would there be any trace of the boy she had loved left in the man who had grown up to be a Devil’s Fighter? And what would she say to him? What would he say to her?
Alyssa exhaled slowly, trying to get her emotions under control. She wondered if it was too late to arrange for a closed-door funeral. She pushed away the thought as fast as it had entered her mind; she couldn’t do that to her parents. They deserved a proper goodbye, and the people who had loved them deserved to be given the chance to pay their respects.
Love was a funny, dangerous thing, Alyssa decided. Here she was facing the prospect of having to deal with one of the most dangerous gangs in the territory, and she was worried about only one of its members.
She shuddered. Even after eight years, the thought of her Prince as a Devil’s Fighter gave her the chills. But that was exactly it, wasn’t it? He wasn’t her Prince anymore; he had not been hers in a very long time.
Alyssa didn’t like to admit it, but she still thought about him sometimes, in a very sexual way. Sometimes she would lay in bed and think of all the things he used to do to her. Sure, they had not gone all the way, but that did not mean they had been idle. Eight years later, the memory of Prince’s touch on her skin was still very much vivid. If she concentrated hard enough, she could still taste his kiss. Sometimes, when she pleasured herself, she would picture him. She would conjure up his naked body on top of her, and she would imagine what it would feel like to have him inside her. She would hate herself afterwards, but in the moment Prince would give her some of the best orgasms of her life.
She shook her head and pulled herself forcefully back to the here and now. She was being ridiculous, irrational. None of that mattered right now. Not her shameful erotic fantasies, not her still-broken heart, not the Devil’s Fighters. Certainly not Prince Wheeler. All that mattered now was to give her parents as much of a dignified goodbye as she could arrange. They deserved to be remembered and celebrated for the extraordinary people they had been.
Alyssa unglued herself from the couch and—once again—sought the comforts of a shower. Just like the previous night, the hot water didn’t help wash unwanted thoughts away, and it certainly didn’t wash away any of her pain. But she held no illusions in that regard, and she showered quickly this time.
Craving to resume contact with her life and the outside world, she sat on the bed in the old bedroom and turned on her laptop. Checking her e-mails, she wasn’t surprised to find dozens of messages of condolences—from clients, colleagues, and friends. She spent the next hour or so replying to each one of them, spending as much time on a single message as she could, making her response as personal as she could. Despite the subject matter, it was ironically a menial task that took her mind off things for a blessed hour and ten minutes.
She also found a message by Lynn among them, which thankfully didn’t have the word “condolences” anywhere in it. It simply said:
“This is my e-mail address. Let’s not lose each other again.”
It was garnished with a smiley face at the end. Simple and to the point, and yet heartwarming.
Alyssa smiled. She picked up her cell phone from the nightstand and dialed Lynn’s number. Her call was picked up after the first ring—yet another sign that she had been a fool to cut ties with such a considerate friend.
“Alyssa? Is everything okay?” Lynn’s concerned voice filled her ear.
“Yeah,” Alyssa said. “I was just calling to thank you for the e-mail.”
“Oh, not at all.” A brief paused. “So, I know you’re probably tired of funeral talk, but I just wanted to reassure you everything’s ready over here.”
“Thank you,” Alyssa said sincerely. “I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know.”
Lynn had offered to have the post-funeral reception at her diner, an offer which Alyssa had accepted gratefully; the thought of having it at her parents’ house was simply unnerving.
“It’s no problem,” Lynn said. “How are you holding up?”
Alyssa shrugged, even though she knew her friend couldn’t see her. “I’ll be glad when it’s all over and I can just focus on coping.”
“I understand,” Lynn said.
Alyssa hesitated, and then she suddenly decided that she had to share with someone who could remotely imagine what it all felt like. “Something happened this evening.”
“Oh?”
“I got a visit.”
A moment’s silence. “Shit,” Lynn said heartedly. “Prince?”
“God, no,” Alyssa said, shuddering at the mere thought. “I’d be much more of a mess if he had showed up.”
“Who, then?”
“Bennie Lenday.”
“Fuck. Are you okay? Do you want me to come over?”
Alyssa smiled. It felt good to be talking to someone who had more than a vague idea of what that name meant. “No, I’m fine,” she said. “Really. It’s just…he wanted to offer his condolences.”
“He can shove them up his ass.”
Alyssa laughed. She couldn’t help herself; Lynn’s indignation was too prompt and palpable. “That’s pretty much what I told him.”
“In those exact words?” Lynn asked worriedly.
“No,” Alyssa reassured. “But they want to come to the funeral tomorrow.”
“Who? The Devil’s Fighters?” Lynn sounded incredulous. “Are you kidding me?”
“He says my dad patched them up more than once. Apparently they’re grateful or something.”
“Well, shit. What are you going to do? Should we ask the police to keep them out?”
“Like that’s ever going to happen. Half of them are on Bennie’s payroll, you know that.”
“Yeah,” Lynn said bitterly.
Alyssa blew out a frustrated puff of breath. “I told him I don’t want them there—although I doubt he gives a rat’s ass what I want.”
“Come by the diner in the morning,” Lynn said. “Around seven-thirty, if you can. It’s usually quiet at that time on a Saturday. We’ll sit down and figure something out.”
Alyssa hesitated. “Lynn, I don’t want to involve you in this.”
“Nonsense,” Lynn said immediately. “I’m happy to help.”
“Thank you,” Alyssa said sincerely.
“Don’t mention it. Now go get some sleep; God knows you’re going to need to be sharp tomorrow.”
Alyssa smiled. “Hear, hear.”
They said their goodnights and hung up. Afterwards, Alyssa lay in bed in the dark for a very long time before sleep finally came. She had no idea how to keep Bennie Lenday and the Devil’s Fighters from doing anything they set their minds to do, but she would find a way. Like with many other things in Pinebrook, she didn’t have a choice.