Sludge coats my stomach and the poison that is my blood at this point seems to be sickening me from the inside out.

My actions are finally catching up to me. Because as resigned as I am to destroying her stepfather, it makes me nauseous to think about what this will do to Nora. It was the New Year, and that was supposed to bring about change and resolution.

After what I’d seen the anxiety do to her, the way it ripped through her and bulldozed her faculties, I thought that maybe, just maybe, I didn’t have to go through with it. Maybe I could stop it all, just keep being with her and try to live my life normally.

“That’s it, just like that.” My arms moved in tandem with hers, and her small hands were dwarfed by my own.

We moved together, the water lapping around us. The vibrations of our movement sound off of the aqua tiled walls, the stained glass sparkling with the ripples of the pool.

My father had this indoor training center built in the basement of our townhouse when I’d first shown real promise in rowing at the age of ten. The pool was half of an Olympic regulation size, and had a stationary rowing boat that could be harnessed in the middle of the water to practice oar skills and build leg strength.

That’s where Nora and I sat, in our bathing suits, her nestled between my legs as I taught her how to properly steer a boat.

“You don’t want to row too hard or to soft, once you get in the rhythm, you’ll feel it.”

She nods, intent on getting this right. “And once I get it, I’ll steal your position as Stroke.”

Loving her cheekiness, I press my lips to her neck to distract her. “You’re not the one who will be stroking.”

Having her this close to me in a wet bathing suit doesn’t do much for my hardening knob.

“Is it …” Her voice trails off.

“What?” I continue to kiss her neck, and feel her skin heat under my palms.

“I know that you know … that I haven’t …” She stops rowing and the oars float aimlessly in the water.

I feel her hesitation. “Shagged someone? It isn’t a sin to say the word sex, princess.”

“Don’t mock me, I’m already embarrassed as it is. Well, yes, I haven’t. But I just … is it better than what we already do?”

I nearly swallow my tongue, because talking about sex with her without actually doing the deed will be exceedingly hard.

“I’m sorry, love … it’s just not as taboo as you think. It’s not better I’d say, just different.”

Nora turns, her hazel eyes seeking mine. “How many people have you slept with?”

I try not to choke on the awkward cough that reaches my throat. “I don’t want to talk about things or people that no longer matter.”

And I didn’t need to divulge the large number of women I’d bedded, it would only serve to make her dwell on the scoundrel I’d been … and still was.

“I think … no, I know that I’m ready.” Her voice is confident as she turns around in the boat, kneeling to face me.

I haven’t brought up sex to her at all, feeling guilty enough for a month that I’d eventually have to ruin her innocent delusions that I was a good boyfriend. But it didn’t mean I didn’t think about … didn’t want it when my mouth was between her legs and she was thrusting her fingers into my hair. She always looked so beautiful and pure, like a white flower that I was soiling with my dirty soul.

“We don’t have to do this.” I try to protest as she sets her small hands on my thighs, her touch shooting straight to my balls.

“I want to. I’m ready. I trust you.”

You shouldn’t. I think it, but don’t say it as she covers my mouth with hers. As the months have gone by, she’s become more confident in taking control of the physical side of our relationship, of initiating. She knows it drives me especially bonkers when she straddles me, controlling the kiss and the pace.

And that’s what she does now, in the boat in the middle of my indoor pool. I can’t help but lean back, cradling her against me as the water rocks all around us. Nora’s hips grind against me, her core lined up right against my cock. I grind my hands into her bum, gripping the firm skin and pushing it hard down onto me.

The boat begins to tip as our snogging intensifies, and Nora breaks it off with a laugh. “I’m not sure we can do this here.”

I push back a wet strand of her scarlet hair, and sign my death certificate. I’m too randy and ready to go to say no, and she wants me to be the man who takes her virginity. If I say no, she’ll leave now and my plan will be ruined. But if I say yes, it will be the ultimate mark of shame on my soul when she finally finds out what I was doing all this time. If I do this, she’ll never speak to me again after it all falls down.

“We should do this properly, in a real bed where I can look at you.”

She sucks in a breath and her eyes swim with something that looks very close to a word I shouldn’t even be thinking.

We swam to the stairs, me hot on her tail as she walked out, water sluicing off of her body. I’m so torn, guilt roiling in my gut, but I won’t stop. Can’t. She’s too pure and radiant, and I’m too big of a prick.

All alone in my house, we wind the steps up to my bedroom together, my hands on her hips as she walks in front of me. She’s confident, nothing shaky about her resolve to give me one of the greatest gifts she’d ever give anyone. Something in me wants to be better, try harder for her. I want to make this memorable for her, not to tarnish anything just yet.

Soon enough, she would hate me. But for now, I could do this. I could be the man she thought I was.

“You’re sure, Nora?” My voice shakes as we enter my bedroom, because I’m not bloody sure at all.

“I trust you. I want this to be with you. Only with you.” She moves toward me, her wet suit hitting my naked chest as she presses up on her toes and lays a gentle kiss on my lips.

In the back of my mind, I wish that I was only hers too.

Her skin is hot and flushed against the coolness of her wet bathing suit, and I peel it down, removing it like a second skin from her body. She’s all small curves and long lines … her tits just a handful each, my thumbs pressing against those nipples that always seem to be ready just for me. Nora lets out a sigh and I wish that I could record that sound, play it on a loop in my head for hours. My mouth is hot and greedy on her cool skin, and I trail kisses from her neck down over her collarbone, over one breast and then the other. The action works me up, my cock hardening painfully in my still wet swim trunks.

“Mmm, yes …” Nora’s whisper hits my ears as my lips cross the invisible line at her hips.

Her body vibrates with arousal, and I fear that if I do what I want to in this moment, she won’t be able to stand. Gently, I push her back toward my big king bed, and lift her up and onto it so that she’s sitting with her feet dangling over.

And then I travel down, planting an open mouth kiss on her wetness.

Nora lets out a sharp wail, and I wish I could watch her face the whole time I feast on her because just the sounds are driving me out of my mind. She’s sweet and pure, like unfiltered honey. I lap at her, my blood boiling to the point of explosion, my cock thick and painfully throbbing in my shorts. I release myself, my thumb sweeping over the wetness already collected at the head.

“I … want …” She starts to reach down, taking her juicy core away from me.

Her small hands grip down my body, as if she is going to return the favor. I lift her back up, planting her securely on the bed.

“No, this is about you.”

It has to be about her. If I let her do anything for me right now, pleasure me or make any second of right now directed toward me … I don’t know if I could keep from breaking down. I have to give her this, sacrifice before I break her world in two.

“Then I want you, all of you.” Her face is earnest, not a shred of doubt or fear crossing in her eyes.

My soul twinges, knowing that evil lurks just around the corner and that I’m going to bring the sky falling down on her head. But I push the thought out, also knowing that I can’t stop now even if I tried. She’s perfect, lying there beneath me as I crawl over her body, reaching to my drawer for a condom.

My wet bathing suit hits the ground with a thud, and Nora arches her back, her tits pushing into my chest as I pinch the head of my cock.

“You tell me if I hurt you. Tell me to stop.” I wish she would, right now. I wish she knew it all, and that she’d slap me across the face right now and leave.

“I trust you.” The way she says it, she might as well have said those four little letters that can bring a man to his knees.

The twinkling rays of midday sun beat through the room, her hazel eyes shining up at me so clearly. She doesn’t cover herself, doesn’t shy away. Nora is a completely different being than I ever assumed, and in the back of my mind, I repeat those four little letters.

I don’t dare say them.

I fist myself, positioning at her entrance. Sweet, fiery burn runs through my veins, making me high on Nora. That first push, the first suction of her on me … it chokes me. Grabs me by the throat and won’t let me breathe properly.

I’ve been with other girls, slept with models and princesses and girls who would blow any man’s bloody mind. But I never realized how empty those nights all were. How lazy I’d been, how much I was letting those girls and those moments pass me by. And it hits me … I’ve never felt this way about any girl. About anyone. She could destroy me, already has, and doesn’t even know it.

Nora is so tight that I have to clench my teeth, use every ounce of strength in my body to keep from coming. Inch by inch, I cant my hips, thrusting so slowly inside of her.

“Ah!” Nora cries out when I’m about halfway in, twinges of pain crossing her face.

“I’m going to push all the way in.” I hold her face in my hands. “It will only hurt for a minute.”

I don’t give her time to digest this information, I just push, fully sheathing myself in her. A pained scream tears from her lips, and I swallow it, covering her mouth with mine.

I suck and nibble at her lips, coaxing and heating them … my heart rate notching even higher as she starts to respond. Nora breaks our kiss, breathing into my mouth as she wiggles her hips, testing out how we felt connected.

My cock twitched inside of her, making me clench my arse to keep it together. “You can’t move like that or this will be over way too soon.”

“It feels so … good.” Her whisper tickles my ear.

That sets me off, a jolt of electricity racing down my spine. I move, dragging out and thrusting back in slowly. Nora moans, her eyes rolling back as I bottom out inside of her. My hips move of their own accord, repeating the motion, building us both up to the inevitable cliff we would fall back down.

“Asher … Asher … Asher.” Nora chants my name over and over, the word dropping like fuel to my rhythm with each syllable.

I’ve never worried about the pleasure of my partner, about whether or not she came at all. But I told Nora this was about her, and I wasn’t lying. For once in my life, I hadn’t lied.

“Get there, Nora … I want to feel you.” I suck on her neck, earlobe, jaw.

Her moans come closer together, everything in her beginning to tighten.

I feel it, when she unravels, when her body spasms and clutches at mine. When she talks in half-sentences, the walls of her core gripping me. And I can’t hold back any longer, my cock pummeling into her as her eyes latch onto mine. Staring at me, like she’s seen another universe that only she and I exist in.

I combust, blasting apart with such force that I can’t catch my breath, can’t figure out which way is up. My world spirals, ecstasy coursing through my flesh with Nora’s eyes the only thing grounding me.

She’s going to hate me.

It’s the last thought I have before I collapse into her shoulder, smelling her hair and wondering what the hell I’d done.