There is no description for the exhaustion my body feels in this moment.

This morning, I watched my father fall deeper and deeper into a state of hysteria. Mumbling about becoming king and taking down Nora and Rachel once and for all. He was pacing the halls when I went in, an emergency call by the housekeeper rousing me from my sleep in my Chelsea apartment. I tried to talk some sense into him, even slapped him hard but he just kept going. I’d never seen him this unraveled, and when I went to go talk to the housekeeper, he’d bolted.

I knew from the second I heard the car engine where he was heading. It had taken me thirty minutes to fight my way through the crowds and traffic, parking in a neighborhood behind the church and scaling a wall to get in. Adrenaline had poured through my system, and I’d gone through a utility door in the back of the building to get in. My mission had been to locate Nora, and when I had, all I had to do was watch for my father.

She looked so bloody gorgeous in her bridesmaid dress, the lilac soft against her creamy skin. Everyone standing up on that altar looked so happy, jubilant and blissful to be there in that moment.

I’d watched him follow her into the little rectory room afterwards, heard his threats as she tried to make an escape for the door. I hadn’t hesitated.

And now, my lip was bandaged up and I was sitting in this room, trying to make out the ghosts whispering in my ear. There was something wrong with my father, maybe there always had been. His desperation had almost cost me everything. Because even if I couldn’t be with her, I realized in that moment when I lunged for my only blood relative still in my life that I loved Nora Randolph more than anyone else on this earth.

“Are you okay?” A tiny voice came from the doorway.

My head whips around and I can’t help but stand. “Nora …”

“No sit.” She moves across the room, sitting in the chair beside me.

I reach for her hand, unable to not touch her. “I’m so sorry, so bloody sorry. I didn’t know that he would do something like that.”

“Like Bennett said, don’t apologize. Just … thank you, for being here.”

I looked down at our joined hands, unable to stare into her gorgeous face. “If he had hurt you, I don’t know what I would have done. I could never … Nora, I’ve missed you every single day. I was so wrong, so wrong.”

Her tears glistened when I looked up into those hazel pools. “I have tried to forget you. For so many months all I’ve wanted to do is forget anything that ever happened between us.”

I feel the pain and anguish rolling off her body in waves. “If I could do that for you, I would. If I could go back, do it all over, stop myself … I would. I would do anything. But I can’t. So all I can do is say how bloody sorry I am, and hope that you can forgive me. Because Nora, all I care about is you. I have been such a tosser for so long, fueled by the lies and manipulations of my father. I was buried so deep in them that I couldn’t see straight.”

She nods. “I know, I understand now. The hate he spewed Asher, I’ve never seen anyone that desperate or angry.”

I feel my way up her arms, needing her velvet skin to soothe me. “Bennett told me the whole story, or at least how he viewed it. My mother … she felt trapped. She loved me, but my father had been much the same back then as he was now. She couldn’t stand to live with him any longer, but knew that if she tried to take a Frederick baby away from the flock, there would be hell to pay. And he couldn’t stand to tear her apart like he had for so long. He loved her, but he knew she was suffering. So he ended it, but it only made things worse. My mother had lost the only thing that was keeping her going, that could keep her sane in the house of David Frederick. My father controlled everything, even her interaction with me. So she flew off the handle. Making plans and schemes and trying to get Bennett to run away with her and I. The night that … she died, he had been trying to stop her from driving. She scratched him so badly in the face that he bled, and before he could do anything about it, her car was already out on that bridge.”

My voice cracks thinking about how alone my mother must have felt. How abused by my father she must have been.

“I should have let you explain …” Nora sounds helpless.

“You owe me nothing. Not after what I did. It’s no excuse, but in some ways, I was as trapped as my mother. You saw him, how harsh and brutal he can be. It’s all I’ve ever known. And when the one person you trust tells you over and over again how evil someone is, how they must be destroyed, you believe them. But Nora … when we were together, nothing I felt with you or said to you was a lie. Beyond all hope, I fell for you. You showed me a side of relationships that I never knew existed. I know you owe me nothing, I know that … not forgiveness or reciprocation or anything. But … I’m asking for it anyway. Because I need you. Because I miss you.”

My heart aches in my chest, the need to hear her absolve me so strong that I can barely breathe.

“You hurt me … so badly. Asher, I never … what I did with you, I had never done that before.”

I know she’s not just talking about our relationship. She was a virgin, I had my suspicions and still I took that from her. And now she confirmed it.

“There is no amount of I’m sorry in the world. Words don’t even do justice to how ashamed of myself I am.”

She nods. “I know. I know that. In my brain I can compute that, but my gut … it still hurts. I’ve never felt the way I felt about you for anyone else. And to be crushed like that, it’s going to take a lot.”

I get to my knees, literally begging. “I’m not above making an arse out of myself. Whatever it takes, just give me a chance. You have no reason to say yes, but just one more.”

Her expression is apprehensive at best, but I can see the hope gleaming in her eyes. My palms sweat, my face aches from where my father punched me.

“Let’s do this. Why don’t you come to the reception? I think we could both use a little time to unwind. If after tonight I still feel okay around you, then we can talk.”

“Deal.” I don’t even hesitate, jumping at whatever chance to redeem myself with her that I can.