The beeping of the monitors were all that was keeping me alert. The hospital smelled of disinfectant and stone-faced nurses kept passing by without any mind as to what was going on in the room. Ryder lost consciousness on his porch while lying in the gurney, and as I watched him lying there in that hospital bed I kept thinking about it.

About all of it.

“We found him in a car traveling out of town.”

“He was crashing at Roberto Martella’s father’s old condo that was being renovated.”

“Roberto Martella was the one tracking you for him.”

“We found his car stationed on the corner near your apartment when you came back into town for your things.”

My fault. It was my fault. Had I not gone back into town for anything-- for my toiletries or my money-- none of this would’ve happened. Roberto wouldn’t have seen us and charted us out of town. Langley would’ve never found us. Ryder would still be conscious.

Not lying in a hospital bed fighting for his life.

He had a fractured skull that required a plate and screws in order to fix. The bone was shattered by the crowbar that hit the back of his head. Shards of bone had to be pulled from the top layer of gray matter in his brain. Ryder was suffering with a severe concussion that required the doctors to put in a port at the base of his skull in order to drain the excess fluid off his brain. They said it was the only way to ensure his survival.

But none of the doctors were certain of any long-term damage.

Not until Ryder woke up.

And that was just his head.

“It’s all my fault,” I said breathlessly as I took his limp hand. “If I would’ve just listened to you-”

I choked back tears as I scooted my chair up to the side of his bed. I looked up into his pale face and took in the hair that had been shaved off his head. He looked meaner, somehow. Like his hair softened his entire face. I could really see the military in him with his hair gone. The gruffness. The wartorn features. The crows feet at the edges of his eyes and the strict downturn of his lips.

“I’m so sorry, Ryder,” I said with a whisper.

Mindlessly, I placed a kiss onto the top of his hand. I didn’t know what else to do. Tears were threatening to spill over and I was so tired of crying. I threaded our fingers together and closed my eyes, allowing flashes of high school to tear through my memory.

They made me smile, and soon my mouth ran away from me.

“Do you remember our first date?” I asked with a grin. “You wanted to take me out to dinner, and that guy in the booth behind us ended up choking on something? I think it was like… a piece of shrimp or something.”

I shook my head before I laid it against his thigh. He seemed colder. He wasn’t emitting the comforting heat I’d come to associate with him.

Was he dying?

Was Ryder dying because of me?

“I was talking about this project I was panicking over. My science project I’d procrastinated on. You made some joke about a baking soda volcano before you heard the guy gagging, and you didn’t once hesitate. You leapt up from the booth and pulled that man against you, and seconds later that piece of food was flying right into that man’s wife’s face.”

I sniffled as my tears soaked into the blanket on top of his body.

“I knew then and there you were special. I knew then and there that you were someone I wanted to be around. To get to know. And when you showed up at my apartment, looking nothing like the boy I remembered from high school? I wondered how else you had changed. If you were as kind as you were back then and if you were as protective of others around you as I remembered you being.”

I brought his cold hand up to my cheek and placed his palm against my skin. I looked up into his face, begging him silently to open his eyes. Just a peek. Just a small flutter to let me know he was still there.

That he was coming back.

“I don’t regret that night,” I said breathlessly. “That night we spent together at your house. It’s the first time in over a decade that I’ve felt beautiful and cherished in the arms of another man. You made me feel that way in high school and you make me feel that way now. And I promise you, if you wake up, that’s all you’ll have to do. Just open those pretty little eyes, Ryder, and I’ll be right here. You protected and took care of me, and I’ll do the same. I swear it. I’ll do whatever it takes. All you have to do for me now is open your eyes. That’s it.”

I felt my jaw quivering uncontrollably as I stifled a sob. His eyes weren’t moving and his hand was limp against my skin. The blanket beneath my cheek was soaked with wetness and the only thing I wanted to do was continue to cry. I felt helpless. Useless.

But I needed to be strong. Because when he woke up-- and I knew Ryder would wake up-- he would need me to be.

Like he had been for me.

“Please wake up,” I said breathlessly.

A knock came at the door and it caused me to rip my head up. I whipped my face over to the door and I saw a pair of familiar eyes. I let out a sigh as Mr. Hofstetter walked into the room, his hands clutching a manilla envelope.

His eyes were heavy on Ryder and I could see the pain and agony he was trying to hide behind them.

“How’s he doing?”

“Mr. Hofstet-”

“We’ve been through enough with this,” he said. “I think it’s time you started calling me ‘Brendan’.”

He held out his hand and I took it willingly.

“Brendan,” I said. “Um… I don’t really know how to answer your question.”

“I can see that,” he said.

“What’s that?” I asked as I pointed to the envelope.

“Oh, yes. Uh, I’ve been with Langley and his lawyer at the police station all day. I took a different route than what we were originally taking. It’ll be hard for you to get alimony when that man goes to prison for the rest of his life and can’t work a job.”

“I don’t care about that anymore,” I said as my gaze panned back over to Ryder.

“So I got you a lump sum of money instead.”

I watched out of the corner of my eye as Brendan set the manilla envelope on the corner of Ryder’s bed.

“Four hundred thousand dollars, to be paid to your bank account by the end of the week.”

“What?” I asked. “But that’s-”

“More than you would’ve gotten with alimony, yes. But I figured with everything that man put you through, we could consider the rest as a payment for your heartache.”

“That should make me feel better, but…”

I shook my head as Brendan stood at the foot of the hospital bed.

“You know, we spent four years together on the same SEAL team,” he said.

“Ryder told me,” I said.

“Did he tell you why the two of us didn’t re-enlist?”

“No. He wasn’t very forthcoming about it.”

“Doesn’t shock me. I’ve always known Ryder to be a very compartmentalized man. But he did talk about you a lot.”

“What?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he said with a snicker. “It took me a little while to put two and two together. Me and our SEAL team? We were very familiar with ‘his Alicia’.”

“His Alicia?”

“That’s what he called you. It’s partially why I passed your case onto him. When we were discussing getting you protection when Langley dropped off the grid.”

“What was the other reason?”

“Hmm?” he asked.

“You said that was partially why you passed my case to him. What was the rest of the reason?”

“Because of our last mission together.”

“I’m not following.”

“Without compromising too much, our mission was to go in and pull out innocent children who had been taken hostage by a rebellion using chemical weapons on unassuming civilians.”

“Oh my gosh,” I said breathlessly.

“It was bad. We dropped in a couple of hours before dawn, but were ambushed a mile outside of the city. We fought for hours. Practically ran out of ammo trying to get to those children.”

“Did you get to them? The kids?” I asked.

“We did. But we lost a lot of good men in the process. Ryder and I were the only two from our team to make it out in one piece. We got to the kids, but there was a man in our team that took up station outside of the orphanage so we could gather all of them up. We were reduced to carrying them out of that place and back to the chopper.”

“What happened?”

“He was shot. Grazed by a bullet that nicked his main artery. Ryder wanted to go back for him and carry him back with us because a SEAL never leaves a man behind. But it meant discarding one of the kids. Leaving one of the kids and hoping they were still alive when we came back-- if we could ever get into the city.”

My heart was breaking and it was harder to stomach the story with every word that flowed from his mouth. Tears spilled over my cheeks and I waved my hand in the air to get him to stop. Ryder. My Ryder. Forced to choose between an innocent man he probably deemed a brother and an innocent child who was probably screaming in terror.

I reached for Ryder’s hand and brought it to my lips to kiss again.

“What in the world does that have to do with me?” I asked.

“When the two of us were recuperating in the hospital, Ryder was in a trance. Not talking. Not eating. Not drinking. The nurses were two ticks away from declaring him mentally incompetent and shipping him off to a ward for more treatment, but I told him you wouldn’t approve.”

“What?” I asked flatly.

“I told him that his Alicia needed him to get back. That even if the two of you went your separate ways forever, that she wouldn’t want to see him that way. That you wouldn’t want to see him that way. I told him there was a reason the two of us made it out, and that good men sacrificed themselves so we could drag those kids out and live our lives in honor of them. And that night, he ate.”

I laced my fingers within Ryder’s as my eyes turned back to his face. His unwavering, immobile, silent face.

“I gave him your case partially because I had a feeling you were the girl he always talked about, but I also gave him your case because it was your memory that pulled him out of such a hard time. Ryder has struggled for years. Nightmares. Brief moments of flashbacks. And he’s tried everything. Psychiatrists. Medication. Working out. Natural remedies. None of it comes close to providing him with the relief he needs. And I figured protecting you might’ve…”

“Helped him work out whatever it was he took home with him on the battlefield,” I said.

“I know it’s not fair on you, but I also knew he would’ve done anything to keep you safe. And that was what you needed.”

“It’s all my fault,” I said.

“No, it’s not. This is Langley’s fault.”

“He would’ve never been able to find us. Had I taken Ryder’s offer of buying my toiletries instead of going back for-”

“Miss Whitley, I’m going to tell you the same thing he told us after every mission we ever came back from,” Brendan said.

“Okay?”

“After every mission, we would give ourselves forty eight hours. Then we would all get together for beers. And he would raise his beer bottle in the air, clear his throat, and say ‘The only outcome we are responsible for is the ones we create for ourselves. You did good, men.’ And what he meant by those words was that whatever collateral damage we left behind and whatever we had to do in order to accomplish the mission, it didn’t fall on our shoulders. It was all started when people who thought they could control the actions of others stooped to a level that required physical interference. And the fight we put up to right that wrong? It was par for the course because of the decisions others made.”

I leaned back into my chair as I kept a hold on Ryder’s hand.

“You aren’t responsible for what happened to Ryder today,” he said. “Langley is. If Langley hadn’t spiraled like he had-- hadn’t dropped off the grid and come after you like he did-- none of this would’ve happened. Ryder didn’t do anything or take any blow he wouldn’t have already taken for you anyway. None of this is your fault, Miss Whitley. And he would want you to know that.”

“If I’m calling you ‘Brendan’, the least you can do is call me ‘Alicia’,” I said with a grin.

“It’d be a honor.”

“How so?”

“It’s always an honor to meet the women behind the men I’ve fought with. You guys keep us alive more than you understand.”

I felt my lip quivering as Brendan turned to walk out the door. I reached over and took the manilla folder in my free hand and settled it on top of my purse in the corner. All these years, and Ryder had kept me in his mind. Kept me at the forefront of everything. My heart slammed against my chest as more tears rushed down my cheeks. I couldn't imagine the terrors he had seen. The blood he’d shed. The horrors he’d witnessed. But I knew there was one thing I could do.

I could make sure he got through this.

“Brendan?”

“Yes, Alicia?”

“Do you want to stay?” I asked.

His eyes drifted over to Ryder from the doorway before they fell back onto me.

“It’s obvious you care about him, and that the two of you are close. And I guess, in a way, you and I are connected as well. If he does wake up sometime soon, I’m sure he’d enjoy seeing you here.”

I watched the man mull over my words as he stood in the entrance to the hospital room.

“I don’t want to intrude,” Brendan said.

“You wouldn’t be. And I’ll make it worth your while. I’ve got tons of stories on him from high school.”

“I guarantee you they don’t top the stories I have on him from the Navy,” he said with a grin.

“Then sit down and let’s compare,” I said.

Then I watched as Brendan walked in, grabbed a chair, and pulled it up to the other side of Ryder’s hospital bed.