~Elli~
Something just beeped.
I open my eyes just a sliver, the light assaulting my poor retinas immediately.
I slam them closed and hear what I can only guess as my phone beep again. I forget for two seconds I’m suffering from the worst wine hangover known to man and try to sit bolt upright hoping that it’s an email from Raiden.
I instantly regret the rapid movement and groan, my hands coming up to cover my face. I keep my eyes closed and feel around for my phone as if I didn’t have the use of my eyes at all. My fingers bump into it wedged between the couch cushion and the face of my best friend.
I giggle, Jen isn’t waking up anytime soon if the snoring is any indication. I settle back down on the couch next to my bestie and open my eyes only enough to see the screen, but not all the way so I have to deal with the screaming pain that is my wine hungover-ed head.
I see an email notification so I click it, my excitement overriding how shitty I feel.
My eyes scan through it over and over. The words ricocheting around in my head, making me feel all the feels.
“Sweet girl…I’ll be able to carry you around with me.”
I feel that feeling that had settled low in my belly spread its wings and fly straight into my heart, my stomach fluttering with all the good feelings I have so desperately and recklessly missed. Raiden put them there…
I close my eyes and thoughts of Garrett suddenly assault me.
Lately, all I can do is think about Raid, but I still have another man in my life.
My husband.
Tears sting the back of my eyes, and I’m glad Jen’s still sleeping because I need to process this alone.
How do you let in someone new when you’ve been utterly consumed by someone for so long?
Am I allowed to let myself feel like this?
I still wear the guilt from Garrett’s death as some sort of widow shroud, will it ever lift?
I take in a shaky breath, the tears slipping out and coating my eyelashes.
Garrett, honey I miss you so much. The words I so desperately want to say out loud only whisper through my mind.
I feel my heart aching at the loss of my husband once more, the crushing pain I avoided by focusing on Raiden and how he makes me feel once again holds me prisoner.
I get up slowly and softly pad up the stairs to my bedroom, closing the door behind me.
I curl up in the middle of the big bed and let my eyes close, wanting to talk this out to him in silence, something I should have done long before this.
Why did you leave me?
I let the tears come hard and fast, coming like the first downpour of a summer storm. Garrett, I don’t know how to start over.
How do I navigate this life without you?
Why did you go, I could’ve helped you, baby, I would’ve listened to you.
The tears start pooling around my face in the comforter, and I shakily exhale my sorrow. You were my brave, protective guy.
You kept me safe and warm and loved and then you left me, cold and alone. You left me mentally even before you were physically gone and that hurt. You hurt me. Garrett, why did you do this to me? Why did you leave me by myself, honey… Why can’t I have you back, what could I have done. “What could I have done…” I sob out.
I’m so mad at you… because I have been so lost without you. Garrett, you were my anchor keeping me from floating away and then you disappeared and I floated. I floated for two years before I reached the shore until I reached the sand. Now I can’t even let myself be happy experiencing these feelings because I am still so… fucking mad at you.
My lips tremble as I wage a silent war between myself and my dead husband’s memory, my tears coming hard and fast while the dam of feelings I try to keep in finally bursts.
I need someone to save me, Garrett. Show me I deserve to be saved, please baby.
A tremor rocks through my body, which I send my pleading prayer to him up in heaven, needing with all of my shattered soul to be able to know it’s okay.
I need to know that I deserve this. That I’m not a horrible person for wanting to let go and be happy again.
I lie there in a ball, holding myself together because I know if I let go I would break apart again and never be put back together. I hold myself because no one else is here to do it for me. I clutch my sides until my fingers ache. I breathe a little deeper, my tears coming slower now. I need to sleep, I’m so exhausted. If I sleep I don’t have to stay in this reality. I don’t have to feel this pain anymore. Maybe if I give in and let sleep take me, I can be happy again. I can only hope.
I stay like that until I drift off to sleep, and then I dream.
I dream it’s my wedding day again.
I’m getting ready to meet my dad and have him walk me down the aisle, taking one last look in the mirror, I conclude that I’m stunning.
My long curly blonde hair done to perfection, my makeup light and even more perfect. But the smile, the smile is what really catches my attention. I am so inexplicably happy that it shines through my every pore.
I turn and walk to my dad, taking his arm and moving forward. I look down as I make it to the very beginning of the aisle, and breathe deep. Happiness radiating from me like a thousand tiny stars shining brightly.
I keep my eyes trained down as dad walks me down the aisle until it’s finally time to look up. We come to a gentle halt and I look up, so ready to meet the eyes of my soon to be husband.
Except when I try to meet his eyes I can’t see them.
They aren’t my Garrett’s familiar gorgeous green orbs that are watching me take my place across from him, my hands in his. I can’t even make out his features, but I’m not upset, I am still just as radiantly happy, if not more.
The minister says his piece as we stand there hand in hand, our families crying tears of joy and wonderment. I feel a warm light surround me as I say “I do” and a feeling of absolute calm washes over me. I beam at my almost husband, my heart swelling, full to bursting.
I can almost feel myself smiling in my sleep, knowing I’m waking up but wanting to live in this unbridled bliss a moment longer.
The last thing I remember before I surface is hearing Raiden’s voice saying, “I do, sweet girl, I do.”
I open my eyes, still lying in the middle of my bed but feeling that warm blanket of calm surrounding me.
A few tears seep out of the sides of my eyes, but this time the tears aren’t of pain and anguish. They’re tears of acceptance and gratitude.
Gratitude to my beloved husband because even in death he gave me what I needed to take the first steps in letting go and moving on.