~Elli~
I’m sitting on my bed, Dahlia at my feet curled up, snoring, and I’m trembling. I don’t remember a time when I was this nervous. I feel like my whole body is a knot. One giant knot.
Raiden is going to call me. Why would he want to do that? My cheeks start to heat, thinking about hearing this man’s voice. This man who listens to me and gives me strength when I feel too weak.
I sit there with my computer up, his IM’s on display with my phone resting against my thigh.
I gave him my number because why not? I feel daring, like finally living for once. It has to be like eight pm over there in the desert, doesn’t he need to unwind and sleep? I don’t know what he even does over there, maybe I should ask. But maybe he can’t tell me like Garrett couldn’t. I let my mind wander waiting for him to IM back or call me, but for a solid five minutes, nothing happens.
I shoot him a quick “Raid? You there?” hoping like hell he didn’t change his mind. I sigh, realizing maybe I’ve been lonelier than I let myself believe.
Just when I go to IM him again, my phone lights up and I startle nearly jumping a foot in the air. I can’t stop staring at it like it’s possessed, my hands clutching my chest feeling a heart attack coming on. It’s a global cell call, Garrett used to use those to call me when he was on tour… I wait a couple rings, still uncertain at what I’m doing and concerned at my reaction to this in the first place. But, breathing in deep I click to answer.
I freeze. I can’t breathe, the little breath I had escapes me and leaves no air behind. I can’t think, I just take these weird little puffs of inhales that mimic breathing but in truth I am not fully functioning on the breathing thing. Why am I so nervous?
“Elli?” Oh, my God. His voice is strong and steady, deep with a sensual bass. So much better than I had imagined.
“H... Hi Raiden,” I squeak out. I shake my head, mad that that’s the first thing he’s heard of me, this meek little voice. So, I try again, clutching the phone to my face like it’s going to suddenly disappear.
“What made you call?” Better, I sounded more myself there.
“I don’t know, something made me want to check on you after that email.” He’s concerned about me?
“Yeah, I mean I needed to tell someone and I had been drinking. So, it ended up coming out like that.” My voice softer, loving the fluttering feeling I get from hearing his voice.
I glance down at the IM’s between us again. Interested in the feeling in my belly, something strange and long lost. Something not really bad but something I haven’t felt in years. I listen to him breathe, thinking of things to say to someone halfway across the world that I’ve never met. But he beats me to it, surprising me.
“Elli, that is some shit you went through. It isn’t my place to say and don’t hate me for it, but I don’t think he should’ve let it go down like that. Your house, your gun… it just shouldn’t have happened. Now you’ll see that in your dreams forever.” He sounds pissed, and that does something to me. I don’t know what I expected, maybe pity for the poor Veteran’s Widow, not anger on my behalf. It’s so refreshing.
“I understand what you mean, I wish it wouldn’t have happened either. But I can’t change the past…no matter how much it weighs on me.” I swallow, feeling the familiar anguish of Garrett’s death looming over me, threatening to take me under once more.
I don’t want to feel like that when I have Raiden talking to me, I want to be strong. I want to be normal. For once just be a woman, on the phone with a man having a normal conversation.
“Hey Raiden? What time is it there? Isn’t it nighttime? Aren’t you what, like eleven hours ahead of me? Are you tired? Should I let you go so you can get some rest?” I hit him with twenty questions to take the focus off of me. His quiet chuckling makes my heart feel things.
I strain to hear it better because the connection started to get fuzzy then but I hear it then, loud and clear. That feeling comes back listening to his deep laughter, unfurling deep in my belly and telling me to enjoy this. I smile and type an IM while he’s still laughing and lighting up some of the dark that is my world.
norwegianbeauty: I like your laugh, Raid.
I shake my head at myself, what kind of thing is that to say?! It was innocent though, he has a great laugh, maybe he needed me to tell him. I don’t know, I feel like a teenager talking to her crush for the first time. Which is strange because I didn’t really think of myself as capable of having a crush this late in the game. This isn’t going to change the fact I love my dead husband, I just… it was innocent. I’m allowed to do this.
He stops laughing and inhales sharply, filling my head with his voice as deep and rich as bourbon, the good stuff.
“I like that you make me laugh, Elli.” My eyes close and a smile tugs at my lips, the feeling in my belly spreading. I roll to my side, sinking into my pillows and holding my phone close.
“Tell me about you, I don’t really know you.” I close my eyes waiting for his gorgeous voice to come through again.
“Well, I grew up in South Pasadena, it was just me and my mom, my dad died when I was little but he was a Marine, Special Ops, so that’s kinda how this happened for me. My mom and I were and are to this day best friends. I went to the beach as much as I could, I love surfing and sailing.”
He takes a breath and I just listen to him with my eyes closed, wishing I knew what he looked like, with a voice like that it can’t be bad.
“I have done three voluntary tours in Iraq and haven’t regretted it once. I love what I do but mostly I love being around my platoon. They’re truly my brothers and I wouldn’t be able to imagine my life without ‘em.”
He goes silent so I say, “I’m glad you have your brothers, I’m glad you have people who can look out for you.” He stays silent, so I press on.
“I live in Long Beach, so I get to be on the beach whenever I want. Looks like we grew up only a little ways apart from each other.” He lets out a breath and says exactly what was on my mind.
“And now we are thousands of miles apart.”
How could he have known that’s what I was thinking? He lives so close when he’s home, would it be so bad to maybe meet him in person? Meet the man who has already started rewriting my future? I let out a small gasp, surprised at myself for thinking that. He truly has though. Just by listening to me and providing me an unbiased ear, someone removed from the situation, he’s given me so much.
“When are you done with your deployment, Raid?” I say it softly, but I know he hears me because his breathing grows a little harsher. “I’m done in five months.”
Okay, that isn’t bad. He could come home in five months, five months isn’t that long. That isn’t even half a year. I let myself lift up with hope in meeting this stranger who seems to have a knack for making me smile, even if it’s just to thank him in person for being a crutch when I truly needed it.
“And Elli?”
I breathe, becoming addicted to how he says my name, hard and soft at the same time.
“Yes, Raid?”
He practically whispers then, but I can hear it loud and clear because of how it affects me. “I love it when you call me Raid.”
I let his words wash over me like a tidal wave of happiness, interested as hell at how good it felt to hear him say that.
I hear some background noise so when Raiden says, “Hey I have to get going, but I’ll be try to get in touch with you soon, okay?” I’m not surprised but what I am surprised at is how disappointed I feel.
“Stay safe… Raid,” I whisper, wishing he could stay on the line just a little longer.
He just breathes, “Elli,” as if he were saying a prayer. Then the line goes silent and I mourn the loss of his voice, and the comfort I didn’t realize I craved.
I roll onto my back looking up at the dimming glow in the dark stars that right now, look brighter to me than they have in two whole years.