~Elli~
I laid in the center of my huge bed for what seemed like centuries, my soul somewhere between beginning to heal and still shrouded in despair.
I know having a dream as monumental as that should mean everything to me, but it’s hard because it does and it doesn’t.
Garrett was and is still so much my whole life, but that dream felt like I should be moving forward, not stay glued to the spot in the past.
Am I too damaged?
I don’t even know if Raiden feels that way for me, I know that we flirt here and there but he is so far away, he could just be lonely.
I can’t honestly believe someone would want me after all of this, all of this misery I’ve come to live in, and after everything I’ve told him, what if he wants to turn and run the other way. There’s also the fact he’s so far away from me and if I’m being honest with myself the fact he’s probably Special Ops scares the hell out of me. He hasn’t outright said it but he isn’t super forthcoming with what he is actually doing over there and it reminds me of Garrett. That means he goes dark for months too, goes into the most dangerous situations, could end up so torn up that he doesn’t want to live anymore….
I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling, letting out a big breath.
Where do I even start?
This hurt I’ve lived in every day for two long years has become my home. Telling Raiden about Garrett was hard but it felt good to get it off my chest.
It’s nearly comical how I can be so totally consumed by something so horrible and damaging that it is both all I can talk about and everything I don’t want to talk about.
I hear my door crack open just a sliver and turn my head to see a pair of hazel, bloodshot eyes staring at me curiously.
“Hey baby girl, you doing okay in here?”
Jen pushes the door open a little more so I can see how haggard and silly she looks, which causes a small smile to ghost my lips.
“Come here, bestie.”
She comes in and lies next to me, taking my hand in hers and squeezing.
“Hey E?”
I look at her and see nothing but solid tangible love and determination shining back at me.
“What’s up, honey?”
She looks at me hard and says quietly, “I know it’s gonna be hard, and I know you are not anywhere near where you need to be but you have to do this for yourself.”
She pauses to make sure it’s sinking in, and it is. It really is.
“You have been on the last page of your book for a long time sweetie, it’s time to write the final sentence and move on to the sequel.”
A tear escapes my eye and slides down my cheek, her own eyes shining with unshed tears as well.
“Last night I felt my best friend coming back to me, you were so light and free, I just know you have to try babe, you have to do this on your own terms but you HAVE to do this.” She squeezes my hand one last time and just before she gets up and backs out my door says, “Going to get us hungover-ed bitches some Starbucks,” then disappears out into the hall.
I roll back over to gaze up at the dimmed glow in the dark stars on my ceiling and wish with everything inside me that I could just let all of this go. That I knew how to fight anymore. As I’m contemplating how to get my ass into gear with becoming a whole person again, a star suddenly unsticks and lands in one of my upturned palms.
I sit up and hold it like it’s some sort of sign, knowing this has to be some sort of cosmic push.
I set it on my nightstand and swing my gaze to the closet.
I cautiously walk over to it like it’s harboring some kind of ghoulish monster.
Opening the French doors that conceal so much of my life behind them, I take a deep inhale and am instantly surrounded by him.
I walk in, flipping on the light and gather my strength to stare at Garrett’s clothes. I run my hands over his Naval uniforms, both formal and combat. He always looked so perfectly rugged and put together all at once when he was in uniform.
Moving on to his T-shirts and jeans, I think about all the times we would just do random things to make our home more us, getting into paint fights and hanging pictures lopsided because I was too impatient to use a level.
I move closer to his clothes, faintly smelling his sexy smell, wishing desperately there was a hard body under the clothes that I could touch, hold on to forever. I grab a decent amount of fabric and hug it close to me, letting my eyes drift close and in a rare moment, let myself miss him like I want to. I miss him every day of my life but I don’t get to express it truly, let myself feel the enormity of missing someone who isn’t living anymore, just like last night. I’m washed away in a riptide of memories, both good and bad. The good are glorious, days where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, our wedding day, the day we first met and how hard he pursued me until I fell in love with him. How much I missed him and despised the days he had to leave for deployment, how proud and overjoyed I was when he came home. The bad seeps in between the good, poisoning the happiness that coursed through me for only a moment. The fights, the distance, how desperate I began to feel every day. The thoughts of the love of my life were slipping away from me.
I clutch Garrett’s clothes tighter, my fists closing hard around sleeves causing my knuckles to ache.
Don’t think about it Elli, don’t let yourself go there.
I do anyway, like a car wreck I’m unable not to think about it.
Garrett’s blood.
My gun.
The man of my dreams lying there so lifeless.
I let my tears fall, soaking through one of his shirts, mixing parts of us together.
Then I get upset, I revert back to the easiest form of emotion I can find, anger.
I stand back and feel nothing but heartbreak and anguish.
How dare he leave me here alone!
How dare he do this to me!
I only see white-hot rage, I start wrenching clothing from the hangers, slinging them to the floor. I let out a frustrated scream-growl and let out all my angst on his clothes. I stand back once I’m done and take in the wreckage around me.
I did this.
I ripped apart his memory…
What have I done?
Collapsing down on the pile of Garrett’s clothing, I let myself fall to pieces once more.
How often can I do this before someone locks me up? I know this isn’t normal or healthy. I’m fighting a goddamn ghost that won’t stop haunting me. The worst part is…I don’t want him to.
I snuggle into the mangled pieces of my husband and let myself drift, hoping this time when I do that I won’t see the end of him, but hoping against all hope that I could understand what was happening to my Garrett even when I know it’s impossible.
My breathing halts for a second, remembering that the whole reason why I messaged Raiden was to understand. What he’s given me isn’t gruesome sorted details of combat but he’s given me something to look forward to. Something to make my smile light up.
I look around the wreckage and realize this wasn’t a breakdown, this was a breakthrough.