Chapter Twenty-Nine
Maverick
This is it. He’s finally about to tell me his secret.
I held him, hoping my arms weren’t shaking. Yeah, I was nervous even though it was silly. I mean, it couldn’t be that bad. I’d known Avery for three months. If he was, like, a serial killer or something, there would’ve been some signs.
“You’ve probably figured out that my dad abused me,” Avery said, tilting his face away from mine. I was behind him with my legs sprawled out alongside his, and he leaned his side against my stomach. “I don’t remember much from when I was really little, but the one memory that’s as clear as day is when I was around four.”
When he stopped talking, I kissed the side of his head, letting my lips linger in his hair.
“I was playing with some toys on the carpet,” Avery continued, placing his hand on my forearm. His long hair tickled my cheek, and I nuzzled it aside. “Dad came home and tripped on one of the action figures. That’s when he backhanded me across the face and screamed that I needed to keep my damn toys out of his way.”
A knot formed in my gut.
“Then, when I was five, I was crying—can’t remember why—and he jerked me up by my arm and dislocated it.” Avery’s voice became cold. “The years after that were all just a shitstorm of abuse and his rages. Dad didn’t hate Declan as much, I guess because D looked a hell of a lot like him. When Dad did try to hurt him, I always took the hit. I’d jump in the way or run up and push him. Just anything to get his attention off my brother.”
I was glad he was talking to me about the topics he usually avoided, but actually hearing it all? I felt sick.
Avery turned his face to me. “I’m sorry if this is too heavy. I’m just tired of holding it all back.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I said, slowly gliding my hand along his arm, offering as much comfort as I could. “Where’s your dad now?”
“Hopefully in prison,” he answered with a snap. “Or dead. I don’t really care. Just as long as he’s nowhere near us. Mom left him for good years ago, and he keeps finding us. Each time he does, Mom moves us to a new town in hopes of escaping him. It’s why we moved here.”
“Well, as selfish as this is gonna sound,” I said, resting my chin on his shoulder. “I’m glad your mom uprooted your life to Port Haven. Because it brought you to me.”
“Me too,” Avery said, leaning more against me. A moment passed, then another, before his small body shook with a laugh. “You’re such a cheeseball, Mav.”
“But you love me. Cheese and all,” I said, wrapping my arms tighter around him and attacking his neck with overly enthusiastic kisses.
He laughed. “Maybe.”
Even though we were being silly, I wondered if he was being somewhat serious with the maybe. I had told him I loved him, and he’d never returned the sentiment. Not that I expected him to or anything. I’d rather him say it when he truly meant it than to be pressured just because I said it.
I let the topic drop, instead of asking him outright. It wouldn’t be fair to put him on the spot.
“So the stuff with your dad is why you don’t like people?” I asked.
“Well, I like some people,” he admitted, looking at me. “But yeah, I guess. It’s why I don’t really trust them anyway. Kids at my other schools didn’t help that either. Even before I started dressing like this, I got bullied. Bullied for being poor, for being too skinny, too lanky, too quiet. Everything.” He bumped his shoulder against my chest. “It’s why I was a jerk to you in the beginning. I assumed you were just another bully.”
I smiled, remembering how he’d glared at me and tried so hard pushing me away. It’d almost worked too. Good thing I was persistent.
As we sat in silence—me holding him while he laid his head beneath my chin—I got to thinking.
What he’d told me had been awful, but it’d been a little anti-climactic. He’d made it seem like he’d had this horrible secret that would make me scream and run for the hills, and yet, what he’d told me was more what had been done to him. Definitely nothing that was his fault.
“That’s not your whole secret, is it?” I asked.
Avery stilled, and I felt his heart beat faster. “No.” After exhaling, he sat up and rubbed at the back of his neck. “That was more the backstory to my secret. So you’d understand it. Not like I expect anyone to understand it, but it might make a bit more sense.”
I waited for him to say more, but we were then swallowed by a torrent of light.
Headlights. Gravel crunched under the tires and the car drew closer. I had pulled my car off the road and more into the ditch area, so it was out of the way of traffic—not that there was much traffic all the way out there anyway.
The car stopped, but the headlights remained on. The driver’s side door opened, and a man stepped out. It was then that I saw the marking on the car.
“Crap,” I said under my breath. “It’s the cops.”
Since when did they come out there? Just my luck that Avery had just been about to tell me something important and then we get busted.
The man neared us, holding a flashlight and shining it directly at us. I kept my hand at Avery’s lower back as we stood up and squinted, trying to see past the blinding light.
“What are you boys doing out here so late?” he asked in a gravelly tone. “You smoking the dope?”
I snorted, and thank god it was too low for him to hear.
“No, sir,” I said. “We’re just sitting out here talking.”
It was the truth, but I doubted he believed it. Curfew wasn’t until another hour, so really, he couldn’t do anything to us because we hadn’t broken any law.
Once he was a few feet away, I saw he was middle-aged and a bit on the pudgy side. He kept his flashlight angled down at us, and I nearly told him to stop being a douche and lower it, but yeah, that wouldn’t have ended well.
“Been drinking?” he asked.
“No, sir.”
“It’s dangerous to be out here.” He placed his hand on his belt. “I suggest you boys get back in your car and head home.”
His suggestion was a not-so-subtle demand.
“Yes, sir,” I said, giving him a curt nod before guiding Avery away.
Officer Buzzkill watched us as we got into my car. We put on our seatbelts before I started up my car and slowly pulled onto the road. Checking my rearview mirror, I saw him get into his squad car and drive the opposite direction.
“Where are we going?” Avery asked.
“Good question,” I pointed out with a short laugh. “Um, do you wanna go home?”
Please say no.
“Not really,” he answered, staring out the window.
“We can go to my place,” I suggested. “Since we don’t have school this week, my parents won’t mind me having someone over.”
He turned to me. “Even your dad?”
“He’s trying to do better,” I said, hating that I sounded like I was excusing his poor behavior. “When he got the call from Principal Miller about the fight Wednesday, he was surprisingly okay with it.”
“Really?” Avery asked.
“Yeah. He asked what happened, and I told him the truth. That you were being attacked and me and the guys put a stop to it.” I turned onto Boulder Street and started down the straight, narrow road. “He was cool with it after that. Of course, he doesn’t want me starting fights, but defending a friend against a bully is different. How did your mom take it?”
“Okay, I guess,” he answered, moving his stare back to the window and the dark wall of trees beyond it. “I wish she’d find another job. Any other job, it doesn’t matter. Just not one that involves dudes disrespecting her.”
When we got to my house, I parked in the driveway, being sure not to block in Dad’s car. He usually had to work super early during the week. Avery was beside me as I unlocked the front door and let us inside.
The house was dark, all except for the lamp in the entryway that Mom always left on for me when I wasn’t home when she went to bed.
After grabbing two Cokes and a bag of chips from the kitchen, we went upstairs to my room and shut the door. I sat the drinks on the desk with the chips before looking at Avery. He was standing in the middle of the room, holding his arm in that awkward stance he did when he was nervous.
“You okay?” I asked as I searched my memory for anything in the last five minutes that might’ve put him on edge.
It then occurred to me that he hadn’t been in my room yet. The one and only time he’d come over, we’d stayed in the kitchen with my mom and then had gone into the living room to continue visiting. Once my dad had come home and basically ruined the freaking day, we’d left.
“Yeah,” he answered, looking around. “Your room is messier than I thought it’d be.”
I laughed and went over to the pile of clothes on the floor. I had a dirty clothes hamper in the corner of the room, by my closet, but I didn’t always put them in there. After grabbing the massive pile in one trip, I tossed them in the hamper before going back over to Avery.
“Better?”
He smiled. “I didn’t say you had to clean it, weirdo. But yeah. Much better.”
“You can sit if you want,” I said, nodding to the bed. Noticing it wasn’t made, I went over and grabbed the blanket, drawing it up to cover the sheet.
It wasn’t perfect, but it’d have to do for now.
After hesitating for a second, he sat on the edge of the mattress. I handed him a Coke before popping open mine and taking a drink. Unsure if he’d be comfortable with me sitting beside him on the bed, I pulled out my computer chair instead and plopped down. My movement jiggled the mouse on my laptop—that I always forgot to turn off—and the screen flickered to life.
“What’s that?” he asked, leaning forward to look at the screen.
Yikes. I’d been playing Sims 4 again… the one where I’d created me and Avery.
“Um, nothing.”
“Liar.” Leaving his drink untouched, he stood and approached my desk. “Whoa. Is that supposed to be me?”
The game was paused and on the screen, it showed his character in just a pair of boxers, smiling at my character with an image of pizza above his head. Yeah, the Sims were weird like that.
“Fine!” I exclaimed with a laugh. My face burned, and I knew it was red with my embarrassment. “You caught me. I created us and made this big life together. You’re a painter because they didn’t have an architect one, and I’m a scientist. We’re married and thinking of adopting a kid.”
Avery’s lips twitched as he examined the screen. “I’m kinda speechless, big guy.”
“Ugh. Kill me now,” I groaned and put my hands over my face. “You weren’t supposed to ever see this.”
“I like it,” he said, taking hold of my wrists and lowering my hands. He moved his face closer and lightly brushed his mouth on mine. “Can we play?”
The blood had left my face and rushed down south. I wasn’t thinking with the right head, so at first, I took his words the wrong way. Naturally.
I enfolded him in my arms and brought him closer, so close that he had no choice but to fall in my lap. My lips found his, and he moaned into my mouth. The sound encouraged me on further. I flicked my tongue against his, reveling in the taste of him. He tasted sweet, and I wanted more.
He sucked in a breath at my action and moved his hips forward. And the barely audible sighs leaving him took things to a whole new level.
God. I’d never been so turned on.
My hand was at his lower back, and I slipped it under his shirt, caressing his warm skin. He shivered against me.
“Wait,” he said, breaking the kiss and hopping off my lap. “We can’t.”
“Why?” I asked, trying to clear my muddled brain. I ached in a certain area and wasn’t thinking clearly. “Is it because you’re a virgin? It’s okay to be nervous.”
Avery’s eyes darkened a little. “No. I mean, I am a virgin, but that’s not the reason.”
“What is the reason?” I asked before taking a deep breath and releasing it. “I don’t want to do it until you’re ready, but damn, this back and forth stuff is confusing.”
“You really want to know?” he asked, giving me a hardened stare.
Before I answered, he started unbuttoning his pants. He unzipped them and was about to slide them down.
“Babe, what are you doing?” I tried to grab his hands, but he stepped out of my reach.
“No,” he said in a shaky voice. His eyes were filled with tears. “You want to know so I’m showing you.” The tears he visibly tried to hold back started falling. “Please don’t say anything. Just let me do this.”
“Okay,” I said, sitting back in the chair.
Admittedly, I had no idea what he was going to show me. The thought that maybe he was transgender went through my head. Even if he was, I wouldn’t care. I loved him, no matter what was beneath his clothes. The thought left just as quickly as it’d come, but it made me realize how much I truly loved him.
Nothing he showed me would change that fact.
When I saw how much he was shaking, my protectiveness over him surged, and I nearly reached out to him again. The pleading look in his pale blue eyes stopped me. I forced myself to stay seated, and my heart was going ninety-to-nothing.
And then he pulled his pants down.
***
Shock. Confusion. Sadness. More shock. Those were all the emotions that hit me like a freight train as I saw the marred skin of Avery’s thighs. Marred was a kind word too. His skin was shredded to hell. Some of the gashes were darker, some more faded, and there were some that still had a pink hue as if they were fresher.
I couldn’t see above the line of his black boxers, but from what I could see, the cuts covered all of his upper thighs, going almost to his knees but not quite. The left thigh had more damage by the looks of it.
My vision blurred with tears, and I blinked to clear them.
“W-what happened?” I managed to ask through my whirlwind of emotions.
Avery stood with his gaze lowered to the floor. “I did it to myself.”
“What?” I asked, standing up and closing the distance between us. “Why?”
“It’s how I handle my issues, Mav,” he said in a deadpan tone, still not looking at me. “There’s a wrongness in me and cutting helps get it out.”
“Avery…” I didn’t know what to say. But I knew what to do. Pulling him against my chest, I buried my face in his dark hair. Something wet landed on my collarbone before his body began trembling, and I held him tighter. And then, where I hadn’t known what to say only seconds earlier, the words started spilling from me. “There is no wrong in you. Shitty things have happened to you, but none of them were your fault, baby.”
As his crying intensified, it took everything I had not to break down too.
“You are the sweetest person I know,” I said, moving my fingers through his hair. “I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. If you could, you’d see someone kind, funny, and beautiful from the inside out. Someone who makes any crappy day better just by walking into the room.”
He whimpered and gripped handfuls of my shirt.
“And this,” I softly pushed him back on the bed to sit before motioning to his thighs. “This needs to stop. You’re punishing yourself for something that was out of your control. Don’t you see that?” I got on my knees in front of him and looked up into his eyes, gently taking hold of his nape and pressing my forehead to his.
“I’m hideous,” he said as more tears rolled down his cheeks. “The worst part is I did it to myself, Mav. I need to be locked up. What sane person does this?”
“You’re not hideous,” I disagreed, wiping a tear away with my thumb. “And you don’t need to be locked up. We all deal with our pain in different ways.”
He stopped crying, but he still had the occasional shudder. For the longest time, he just stared at his lap.
I kissed his cheek, and then his jaw, before resting my face in the crevice where his neck met his shoulder.
“Didn’t it hurt?” I asked, attempting to wrap my head around it.
I’d never known anyone who cut, and I didn’t understand how it helped them deal with pain by causing more.
“Yes… and no,” he answered, focusing on me. “It’s hard to explain. When I get upset, that’s when I get the urge to cut. It’s like I’m in this emotional pain and I dissociate from everything. As if I’m floating above my body. So when I cut and see the blood, it’s like it grounds me. I feel the pain but it calms me because it brings me back to my body.”
Even though I still didn’t fully grasp the appeal of it, I didn’t have to. Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean you can’t empathize.
“I get what it’s like to feel like you’re screaming and no one hears you,” I said, feeling a twinge in my chest at the sadness in his eyes. “But I’m here for you, Avery. I see you and I love you. You don’t need to cut your problems away. Talk to your brother or to me. Go for a walk. Punch the shit out of a punching bag. If you need to feel something because you’re numb, then come kiss my face off. Or we could go for a run. Going to the gym helps me get out my tension.”
“I’m the worst workout person in the world,” Avery said with a half-laugh. “I don’t run. I fall.”
I grinned, relieved that he was of mind enough to joke, even a little.
“Then we can fall together,” I said, grabbing his hand and entwining our fingers. “Whenever you need me, I’m here.”
Avery kissed me then. His lips were salty from his tears, and his cheeks were damp, but I didn’t care. I returned his kiss and wrapped my arms around him, feeling like a piece of my heart had chipped off and drifted to him.
He lay back on the bed, and I followed. My weight on him worried me.
“Am I hurting you?” I asked, thinking of all the cuts on his thighs.
“No,” he said grabbing my face. “Now shut up and kiss me, big guy.”
I smiled as his lips crushed mine. I wouldn’t deny him anything he wanted.
Being on top of him was a rare kind of heaven. Kissing him was even better. Unlike before, I didn’t let myself get carried away with lust. I tuned into his body, letting him guide the moves. I didn’t want to push him too far, so I learned to read him.
He opened his legs to where I was lying between them, and he rolled his hips up to meet mine.
I moaned into his mouth as my body came alive.
Sex with Chris had been good, but nothing mind-blowing. I felt more with Avery in that moment—with our clothes still on—than I ever had with him.
With Avery, it was more than purely physical.
It was feeling his heart beat against my chest and knowing there was no other guy whose heart I wanted in sync with mine. It was hearing the soft sighs leave his parted lips and unable to think of a sweeter sound—smelling the woodsy scent in his hair from his time at the train tracks and remembering my time spent with him there.
It was thinking of my life without him in it and appreciating every touch and every shared breath, because out of all the places in the world, he and I somehow were lucky enough to find each other in this one.
Avery gripped the hem of my shirt and brought it up and over my head. His gaze roamed my bare chest as his fingers traced the outline of my pecs and down my ribcage. The trail his touch left tingled, creating an ember of desire to settle in my core. When his eyes returned to mine, there was an intensity in them that told me exactly what he wanted.
I kissed him.
An indescribable feeling smacked me in the heart as his tongue interlocked with mine. Love, maybe. But that four letter word didn’t seem enough. I loved him, but this was more powerful than that.
His shirt and the rest of his clothes were shed, as were mine. No more separated us, and our connection strengthened. The ember grew to a flame.
And when we came together, I was consumed by fire.