EXPECTATIONS.
TROUBLE STEMMED from having them. That I knew for certain. When I said the word “girlfriend” aloud to Kelly and she denied me, it stung. I buried it with anger, but the seed of it hurt. No amount of deer fern would remove the sting like it did with nettles.
Damn nettles. I’d run into a thicket of them on the job site today without my gloves. My fingers prickled and the palm of my hand burned even after crushing up fern fronds and rubbing them over my skin. Shows how little focus I had. Lack of focus led to injuries or death in logging, so I spent the rest of the afternoon in the work trailer. Given it hadn’t stopped raining for three days, being in the trailer was the better option.
Everything outside was saturated and muddy. Streams flooded, standing water pooled on roads, and giant puddles took over parking lots. Miserable. My own jeans hadn’t dried out from the morning and my jacket steamed from where it laid on top of the space heater.
At three, I sent the crew home and cut out early myself.
The rain and mud didn’t help my bad mood. On Monday, Helen called to apologize for prying into my life and upsetting me. I told her it was fine. If she didn’t pry, no one would. I think that mended things between us. They were the closest family I had and mattered more to me than I let them know.
The source of my mood centered on the mess I’d created with Diane. Things were unresolved with us and I didn’t know how much time I had to make them right. She needed to know the issue wasn’t with her. I was trying to save her from all of my own shit.
That was a lie. I was so scared about her walking out of my life, I’d kicked her out. Could I admit that out loud?
To add to my self-inflicted misery, I hadn’t seen a sign of Diane in over a week. Nothing since I ran into her at the bar over in town. I’d made sure she saw that I left alone, but that might have been too little too late.
Whenever I had checked on her house this week the lights were off downstairs, and it was quiet. I didn’t see her Jeep in the driveway yesterday or today when I left for work. It wasn’t there when I got home.
Could she have left the island? I knew she came home after Seattle last weekend, but had her plans changed?
A mature person would text or call her, even stop over and knock. That person was not me. Instead, I called Maggie. May was here and she’d be returning to her house for the summer, which meant Diane would be leaving soon. And I didn’t know when or where she’d go.
Maggie picked up with a surprised hello.
“Are you okay?” Her voice sounded worried.
“Hi to you, too. Everything’s fine,” I said, a defensive tone to my voice.
“Are you sure? You never call me. Other than a few texts the last few months, the last time you called, my house was on fire.”
“Almost. Smoke, no fire.”
“Right. So what’s going on?”
“Nothing. Was wondering when you were coming home. And if you’ve come to your senses about leaving the professor behind in Portland.”
“Hush. No, Gil’s coming with me. He’s looking forward to the summer. In fact, he wants me to ask you if you’ll take him fishing.”
“Really? I didn’t figure him for the type.”
“Don’t judge a man by his elbow patches. Gil grew up fly fishing in Colorado. Just because he lives in the city, doesn’t mean he can’t bait a hook.”
Her words reminded me of Diane and our fishing excursion. As if reading my mind, she brought her up.
“Diane told me you took her fishing.”
“You two talk?” Why hadn’t I assumed they did? Maybe Diane had called her and told her about us. About how I’d fucked things up.
“Sure. Email more than anything. I’m excited to meet her soon. Weird we know each other online and she’s living in my house, but we’ve never met.”
A perfect opportunity for me to ask about Diane, but when I started to speak, I found my mouth dry and my tongue unable to form the question.
“She’s great. Isn’t she? I lucked out with her for a tenant.”
“Yeah, great.”
“You sound distracted.”
Here was my opening to talk about Diane and figure out what was going on in my head, but I couldn’t find the words.
“Hello? John? Did the call drop?” she asked.
“I’m here.”
“Are you moving around? I couldn’t hear what you said.”
“I’m not. Satellite must have shifted. I didn’t say anything.”
“You know, Diane told me you two spent a lot of time together the past few months. That’s nice of you.”
There was that word again. Nice.
“Yeah, we hung out.”
“Past tense?” she asked.
I rubbed the back of my knuckles along my jawline, pressing them into the bone and scowled. “Kind of. I’m not sure what’s going on there.”
“Oh, John.”
“Geez, don’t give me the “oh, John” in that voice. Your disappointment is palpable.”
“What happened?”
“Not sure. We were hanging out and then after we went camping, it all kind of fell apart.”
“Wait. Wait a second. You took her camping?”
“Yeah.”
“She must like you. Camping and fishing. Wow. Are you in love?”
“Why do you ask that?” My words were clipped.
“Come on. A young, single woman who is willing to go camping and sit in your boat for hours surrounded by bait? Only a woman in love would do that.”
Again, I lost my words.
“Hello? Can you hear me? Damn island cell service,” she muttered into the phone.
“I’m still here.”
“Oh, I thought the call dropped. You never answered my question.”
“What question?” I played dumb to buy myself some time while the word love bounced around in my brain like a pinball.
“Are you in love with Diane?”
“I don’t know.”
“Don’t know or won’t say? And what happened to Kelly? Is she still in the picture? John Day, if you are two-timing these women, you’re in big trouble.” Her voice rose in exasperation.
“Not seeing Kelly anymore. I thought I told you about that. Pretty sure she’s back with the husband.”
“Ouch. What a bitch.”
“You said it not me.”
“I’m glad. The last thing you need is messy emotional baggage.”
I shuddered. “Yeah.”
“Got it. There’s no reason you and Diane can’t be together.”
Another opening. This time I rallied my courage and took it. “There’s a big reason. You’re moving back into your cabin. She’s leaving.”
My phone was silent. I pulled it away from my ear to see if the call had been dropped this time. Maggie’s voice squawked from the speaker, but I couldn’t hear her.
“What?”
“What what? I asked when the last time you and Diane spoke was.”
“Um, it’s been over a week. Closer to two really.”
“Jesus, John!”
“What? Why are you yelling at me?”
“You haven’t spoken with her at all?”
“No, I told you it’s been a while.”
More unintelligible swearing followed.
“What are you saying? All I hear is cursing.”
“Okay, where are you?” she asked.
“I’m standing in my living room.”
“I need you to sit down.”
My heart stopped and I held my breath. People only told you bad news when they asked you to sit down. Dad told me to sit down when he called me in the middle of the night to tell me about the accident.
Oh, fuck.
Tingling spread up my arm from my finger-tips. Blood rushed in my ears. “Is she okay?” I whispered, backing up until my legs hit the chair. I slumped against the arm and silently chanted, “Please be okay” in my head.
“John? I don’t want you to beat yourself up. You didn’t know. I figured you knew already. That’s why I asked if you were okay. I didn’t say anything because I thought, well, I thought you would’ve been with her at the hospital.” Her words were said in what was Maggie’s attempt at a soothing tone.
“Tell me,” I shouted.
Fuck.
Please be okay, please be okay, please be okay.
“There was an accident.”