“Hey, Desi,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
Before words were spoken, I heard sobbing. That was never a good way to start a conversation. I lifted up on my elbow, my full attention on any sound coming from the other end of the line.
“Desiree. What’s wrong?” I asked, my voice much firmer.
“He’s gone,” she said. “He’s gone.”
“Who? Caleb? Desiree. Please. What’s happening?”
Jax got up and walked out of the room as I sat and waited for Desiree to get her wits about her.
“I-came-home,” she said, sobbing between each word.
“Shh,” I soothed. “Take a breath. I’m not going anywhere. Breathe. Just breathe.”
I knew what she meant by he’s gone. I knew exactly what she meant, but I didn’t want to believe it. More than that, I was used to death. Well, I was used to death about as much as anyone can be. Desi was a therapist. She was built to help others deal with things, but when it came to her own grief, she always came up short. She was the type of person to help everyone else around her. I was so happy she called me, because that was the kind of thing she wouldn’t be able to forgive herself for.
“I should have been able to help him,” she said, her voice a bit clearer. “I thought it was working. I thought he was doing better. There was so much he was dealing with.”
“What was he dealing with?” I asked.
Jax walked into the room and turned on the lamp next to my bed. He brought me a small glass of milk and a piece of the brownie we made earier.
“Just in case,” he whispered.
He leaned down and kissed my head before coming to sit next to me on the bed. He reached out and wiped a tear away from my cheek that I hadn’t even known was there.
“The PTSD,” Desiree said. “He had it so bad.”
“I know, sweetheart,” I said. “He’s battled very harsh demons for a very long time. He saw way more over there than what anyone should have. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“I got him help, Liz. I tried to help him myself, but we are married. We were too close. Sometimes the people you’re closest to are the ones you have the hardest time talking to, so I took him to another therapist. One that was out of town and that I didn’t know personally. I wanted him to be very comfortable. After about nine months, things had gotten so much better. It was like he was the old Caleb. He was nothing like the depressed shell that came home from deployment. He was on medication and balancing life and work, me and the kids. He seemed so much happier.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“I don’t know!” she said, sobbing uncontrollably again. “I got home and… and… Oh, God, Liz.”
Tears rolled down my face. I tipped the microphone away from my face as I choked up a bit. I didn’t want to make those terrible crying noises in the phone and make it worse for her. I was just thankful she couldn’t see my face.
“He’s gone,” she said. “He’s just… gone. He kissed me bye when I went to get groceries. He wanted ice cream, so I went to get some. I was going to make him a cake, too. When I got back, there was a note on the freezer. I ran to the basement, and I found him in a pool of blood. It was awful, Liz. I don’t think I can ever forget it.”
My jaw dropped, and my breath caught in my throat. My cousin, the guy that I grew up with, had committed suicide. He’d suffered so greatly that he just couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t imagine how she felt. It wasn’t her fault. Not in the least, but she blamed herself because of her training. Because she didn’t see it coming. I wept for her, but I did my best to stay silent.
“I’m so sorry,” I said. “Are you going to be okay? I know you’re not okay, no one would be. I just mean…”
“I’m not going to do anything bad, if that’s what you mean,” she said, voice still shaking. “I’m at the hospital. I can’t see well enough to drive. I’m kinda stuck here for a bit.”
“Is your mom there? Can she take you home?” I asked. As soon as I said it, I realized how stupid of a question that was.
“No! I don’t want to go home,” she said, sobbing again.
Damn it, I thought to myself. I hated when I had stupid moments.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I meant, can she take you home with her?”
“Yes,” she said. “She’s on her way here. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so scared and depressed. I can’t believe this.”
“You’ll be just fine,” I said. “I’m going to call work and let them know what’s going on. Then I’m going to come to you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to do that,” she said. “I know you’re so busy, and you’ve been through a lot lately yourself.”
“Are you serious right now? No. I’m fine. Caleb was my cousin. You were the best wife any of us could ever have imagined for him. You don’t need to be alone right now. I need to be there for you and for him. Let me figure this out. I’ll call you right back, okay?”
“Thank you,” she said. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
We said our goodbyes, and I sat my phone on the bed next to me. I sat up then, my eyes wide as I stared blankly at the comforter.
“Elizabeth,” Jax said. “Are you alright?”
His soft voice and the touch of his hand when he reached for mine was more than I could handle. I broke down in tears. There was so much going through my mind at that moment, and I had no idea how to handle it. He pulled me into his lap and held me.
“It’s okay,” he soothed. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“He was a good man,” I said. “We grew up together. We were best friends. We were more like siblings than cousins.”
“I’m so sorry,” he said.
“He’s dead. He killed himself. I didn’t know he was still having a hard time. Hell, his own wife didn’t. God, she is a mess. She’s such a good woman. They were trying to have a baby, the last that I heard, but were having problems.”
I began sobbing again. I felt so much hurt. I was hurt for her. For Caleb. For the world. The world lost a great man.
“I have to call Andi,” I said.
I grabbed my phone and unlocked it. At that moment, I realized just how shaky I was. I could hardly do anything on it.
“What’s wrong?” Andi asked. Like I had earlier, she knew that a call that late, especially from me, meant something was wrong.
“I need you to go to Fort Wayne with me,” I said.
“What?” she asked. “Fort Wayne? Why? Have you been crying?”
“My cousin, Caleb. He killed himself. Desi is still at the hospital. She’s waiting on her mom to come and pick her up. I can’t drive. I’m going to lose it, and I don’t want to wreck. Please go with me.”
I heard her sigh. “Elizabeth,” she said. “I know that I can get you the time off. This is big, and I’m so sorry, but you know how short staffed we are. I can afford you leaving for a few days, but not both of us. This place would fall apart, you know that.”
She was right. I hadn’t been thinking when I asked her. The new nurses would be there in a few days, but they had to have a proper orientation and need to be monitored by the entire staff, not just one or two. Andi was always the one dealing with the students and trainees. If she left, too, the place really would fall apart.
“I know,” I said. “I just can’t go alone. I don’t know what to do. I feel so awful.”
I started crying again. I felt helpless in that moment. I wanted to go and be with Desiree and the rest of my family right then, but if I left I’d be a mess and risk an accident.
“I’ll take you,” Jax said.
I looked up to see him give a soft, sad smile.
“Who’s that?” Andi asked.
“You don’t have to do that,” I said, ignoring her.
“I’m not going to let you argue. I can call my boss and tell him what’s going on. He’s a great guy. Don’t worry about it. I’m taking you,” he said, his voice final.
“Seriously,” Andi said. “Who is that?”
“It’s Jax,” I answered. “Don’t say a word. It’s not like that.”
“Well, its 3 AM. What am I supposed to think?” she asked.
“You’re not supposed to think anything. Thank you, Andi, for helping with getting me the time off. If you need anything from me, just let me know. I’m going to pack some things and get going.”
“Please be careful. I’m worried about you. Let him take care of you, if he wants. You don’t need to be alone, and I’m so sorry that I can’t be there with you. Just be nice to him,” she said.
“I’ll be nice. Sheesh. Try to have a good night,” I said.
“I will. Text me every hour until you get there. I just want to know you made it okay.”
“Okay, Mom,” I said.
She laughed, and we said our goodbyes. I felt a bit better after having talked to her. I knew she’d get everything worked out at the hospital so that I’d be free for a few days. I wasn’t quite sure what kind of situation I’d be walking into once I got to Fort Wayne, but I assumed it would take a few days to get everything together.
Jax held me for a few more minutes after another crying fit hit me. He was so kind and compassionate. He even rocked me a bit as I sat in his lap. The action of it made me think of him as a whole. Not just as an extremely attractive man. Not just as a kind man, but as a potential partner and how he would be later on as a father. That was something that I could never see in Kevin, but then again… Kevin was never a real man either. Not in the ways that it actually counted anyway.