The drive to Fort Wayne was long and miserable. Six hours in a vehicle and almost the entire time was spent either on phone calls or on the internet making arrangements. It was terrible. Desi was still a mess, and I had no idea what to do for her. I loved her so much, but what could a person really do in a situation like that? I felt like nothing was enough, though she was very kind and appreciative and begged everyone not to make a big fuss over her. Show patience, love, and do whatever was asked; that was what I set out to do.
Jax had been wonderful. He drove the entire way with no complaint. He held my hand when I became teary and let me pick radio stations, which was nice. Other times he was just very quiet and let me deal with what I had to over the phone, or just sit in silence as I thought about everything and nothing at the same time. I loved Andi dearly, and she was my best friend, but at that moment, Jax was everything to me.
When we arrived, everything was chaotic. There were family members everywhere. Mine. Hers. People that I’d known my whole life, and people I’d never seen or heard of before. I didn’t like crowds, but I managed to push through. The one bonus to all the craziness was the food.
So… much… food…
I was in heaven.
“Is there anything that I can help with?” I asked Lana, Desi’s mom.
“No, sweetheart. Desi is still a mess. She’s been waiting on you. If you could get her into a shower and help her get relaxed, that would be great. She’s barely said a word since she got off the phone with you the last time. She went to be alone, which isn’t really possible in a house full of this many people. She’s in my room. I have some pajamas in my dresser that she can wear. Help yourself to whatever you both need.”
My heart sank. It was worse than I thought. Lana was amazing, though. She was a great mom.
“I can do that,” I said.
I turned to Jax. He was standing there with a calm, collected expression. He’d also been ready to help if needed, and that warmed my heart. The girls seemed to love him. It made my heart happy. Even though he and I weren’t a couple, it still felt good to show up with someone that was immediately liked.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m going to have to leave you for a little bit. I know it’s probably uncomfortable, given that you don’t really know anyone.”
He smiled. “Do what you have to, gorgeous. I will be fine. I’m the last person that you need to be worrying about, okay?”
Without really thinking about it, I leaned up and gave him a kiss. It was a simple, sweet kiss, but it felt right. It felt nice. I flashed a smile in his direction before heading off to track down Desi. It was hell navigating through the dozens of people at her house. Members of my family that I hadn’t seen in years were there and all wanted to talk and cry over Caleb. To be honest, I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I only wanted to get to Desiree and help her do anything that I could to make her feel more relaxed.
“Desi,” I said, knocking gently on the door. “Are you in here?”
I heard light sniffling. “Yeah.”
I opened the door and saw her sitting on her mom’s bed. She was slouching with a pillow clutched to her chest. She was breaking my heart.
“It’s crazy down there, huh?” I asked, trying to avoid asking the most ridiculous opening question ever.
“Yeah,” she said. “There’s so many people here. It was nice at first, but then I just wanted to get away.”
As I got closer to her, I saw there was dried blood on her arms and her shirt. It had been hours. It took me six hours to get there. I wasn’t even sure what time Caleb had… I tried not to think about it. I was given a mission, and I accepted. Clearly, no one else had been able to get through to her.
I crossed the room and knelt in front of her. The full impact of what I was seeing destroyed me, but I did my best not to let it show. I placed my hands on her knees and she opened her eyes to look into mine.
“Honey,” I said softly. “It’s time.”
She shook her head, her face wrinkling again as she started to cry.
“I don’t want to move,” she said.
“I know.” I reached up and wiped a stray tear from her makeup and blood smeared face. “I know you don’t want to move. I wouldn’t want to either, but that’s why I’m here. I’m here to help pick you up and carry you through this. We have to clean you up. You can’t walk around like this. It’s only going to hurt you worse by seeing it.”
“I don’t want to be in there alone,” she said. “I don’t even want to be in here alone. I just didn’t want to be around that many people.”
“I’ll stand in there with you,” I said. “Would that be okay?”
She nodded. “Please.”
I stood and helped her do the same. She was so exhausted from the emotional stress that she could hardly stand. I all but carried her to the shower. I put her hands on the sink for stabilization as I undressed her. Touching her clothes made me sick. My stomach churned at seeing my beloved cousin’s blood on them. My heart was breaking, and I had no way of letting that go right then. I wanted to scream and hit things. I wanted to forget about all of it, but I couldn’t. Not yet.
When I got her undressed and into the shower, I threw her clothes in the bathroom trashcan and tied the bag.
“I’m going to grab your clothes and a towel, okay?” I said.
“Please don’t go!” she said from the shower, peaking her head out from behind the curtain.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I said. “I just have to get your clothes. Otherwise you’ll freeze when you get out.”
“Oh,” she said, her voice barely a whisper then. “Okay.”
As soon as she closed the curtain, I snatched up the bag and ran out of the room, making my footsteps as light as possible. I all but leapt down the stairs, happy to find Jax at the base of them chatting up my family. He was charming, and everyone seemed to be in love with him.
“Hi, beautiful,” he said. “How is everything going?”
“Good. Can’t talk. Have to get back.” I shoved the bag at him. “Take these and burn them.”
“Burn them?” Lana said. I hadn’t really picked out any faces that had been standing there with him. It hadn’t mattered. I was in a hurry.
“Yes,” I said. “Burn them. Otherwise she will cling to them. I don’t know if you got a good look or not, but they are covered in blood. They need burnt, or she will keep pulling them out and looking at them. People react in really weird ways when someone they love dies.”
“I’ll do it, babe. No worries.” Jax said. “Get back up there.”
My brain wanted to have a he called me babe moment, but I didn’t have time for it. I bolted back up the stairs and grabbed some clothes out of Lana’s dresser, as she’d earlier instructed me to do. Afterward, I spent the next half an hour talking to Desi about anything and everything not related to her marriage, Caleb’s deployments, or Caleb. It was hard, but I managed. Selfish as it was, I talked about work and school. It was the only thing I had that was positive and not about him.
She was especially happy about Kevin being gone and even got a big laugh when I told her that Jax punched him in the face twice. That was her favorite part. The topic quickly got moved to him. She wanted to know all about him. When I helped her out of the shower, she was all smiles about Jax. She couldn’t wait to meet him. She said that she’d wanted to punch Kevin for years. Even though we never saw much of each other, we talked all the time. She knew everything about our relationship. Though they both hated Kevin, Caleb and Desiree were kind and supported me. They didn’t give me a hard time over him. That didn’t stop her from gloating about his misfortune then, however. I was glad that something raised her spirits.
“Thank you,” she said when we got back to the bedroom. “You have no idea how much better I’m feeling.”
“Aw. I’m glad to hear it! That’s the goal. Hopefully I’ll be able to do some good while I’m here.”
“You always do,” she said. “I love you. You’ve always been like a sister to me.”
She sighed and looked at the bed, rubbing the fabric of the comforter a little.
“I think I want to try to sleep,” she said.
My eyes widened. I wasn’t expecting that. I figured she’d be up a few more hours crying and feeling terrible. Lana was definitely right about the shower.
“I think that’s a great idea,” I said.
“I wanted to meet Jax tonight,” she said. “He sounds wonderful, but I think that I need sleep more.”
“I think you’re right about that,” I said.
“Besides, I don’t want him to see me like this. Not on a first impression.”
“Trust me… He wouldn’t care. I’m pretty sure you could shave half your head and black both of your eyes, and he’d still tell you that you’re beautiful. More than that, he’d actually mean it. Just the kind of guy he is.”
Desi smiled. “That makes me happy. You know, I try not to pry. I try not to get in your business, or to bother you about your relationships, but I think I will now.”
“Oh?”
She nodded. “Caleb was the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Not only was he the best, but he brought along with him a family that pulled me in and accepted me. Everyone complains about their in-laws and there is always a battle. There never has been with any of you. You’ve always loved me, and I’ve always loved you. Now the tether between all of you and me has been severed. I have no idea what will happen in the future. I have no idea if I will lose all or some of you. I don’t know what is going to happen. I’m sure I’ve made more of a show out of this than I should have, but I feel like I’m not just mourning him. I’m mourning my entire life. My entire family.”
“You will never lose me,” I said. “Don’t you worry about that. I can’t promise you that everyone will stay in contact with you like they always have. I can’t do that. Mostly because I know that you’re right. When these things happen, people move on, and when that tether isn’t there anymore, they forget that the widowed spouse even exists. I don’t mean to make that sound terrible. I’m only saying that I understand what you’re talking about, but that will never be you and me. Never.”
She smiled. It was sad, but the smile was genuine. “I know that. You’re the one person I can guarantee that I won’t lose. I didn’t tell you that to make you feel bad or anything like that. I told you that to tell you this… I lost everything in the blink of an eye. I had no idea that it was going to happen, and now it’s gone. No preparing. No warning. Just gone. You have a chance to make things right in your life. I know that you said that you’re terrified because you just left Kevin. That you’re scared because he just got out of a relationship, too. That both of you were on dates with your exes, that went terrible, and that’s how you ended up together tonight. None of that matters. It’s 4:30 AM. We are all exhausted. He’s been down there for an hour by himself with the family.”
“I have a feeling that I know what you’re going to say and…”
“Go to him,” she said, interrupting me. “Go talk to him. You like him. You like him a lot. I can tell. You light up when you talk about him. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. That’s all Caleb ever wanted for you, too. This is your time. This is your chance. You’ve been hurting for three years. If he’s willing to pick up those pieces, then let him.”
I sighed. “I still don’t think you should be alone. I can always go talk to him later.”
“Sometimes there isn’t a later,” she said, giving a sad smile. “Go talk to him. I’ll be fine. I’m surprised I’m not slurring my speech right now. Come check on me in a little bit, if you want. Caleb swears that I snore. So, you’ll probably hear that from the door. I think he’s a liar, though.”
I smiled. She was broken, but she was finally starting to talk and get her feistiness back to her. I was happy at least a little progress was made. It would be a game of Tug of War with her emotions for a while, but it would get better.
I tucked her in and kissed her forehead. I left the bedside lamp on, at her request, and even turned on the TV for her. She wanted the sound. I couldn’t blame her. Total silence when depressed was the worst. I left the door cracked as I walked out, and I made my way to Jax. Desi was right. It was time that we talked. Really talked. There was a lot between us, but I needed to make sure that I knew what that was before I got myself too attached.