The storm door proved to not be worth a damn. The sound of glass shattering and falling hard to the deck echoed through the early morning serenity. The jarring sound sent the peaceful, chirping birds scattering out of nearby trees and into the sky as I stormed down the steps and made my way to my car.
At the time, I was completely unaware that the back of my leg was bleeding from a larger piece that had cut me on its way down as I’d turned. Physical pain was nothing at the moment. It didn’t even register with all the rage that I felt. I walked with great purpose, tears rolling down my face. Never had I been so embarrassed, so hurt. Never had I been quite so angry, hence the shattered glass door upon my hasty exit.
Kevin had never been very good to me. It was amazing that after years of emotional abuse, years of friends and family trying to point it out, and years of me trying—yet failing—to see it for myself, that it all came to a raging boil the instant that I saw him in bed with another woman.
It was at that pivotal moment that my mind actually processed everything that had happened in our relationship. I realized then that every time he’d insulted my legs because there wasn’t a perfect thigh gap, or every time he told me that he wished that I would bleach my dark hair blonde because he didn’t like dark-haired girls, or every time he ignored me to play video games, or watch some movie he knew that I would hate, that he wasn’t joking.
It was not a joke.
It was not a laugh.
It was not just typical boy problems.
He was a Grade A ass, and I was an idiot.
Finally, it was possible for me to see him for what he truly was. I also began to see all the time I’d wasted caring for and wanting someone who could never truly love or want me back. He was only capable of cruelty.
Angry as I was, when I reached my car and sat in the driver’s seat, a sigh of relief worked its way out of me. My blood felt as though it would burn through my skin and my heart pounded like it might burst out of my chest at any moment, but that didn’t stop me from feeling slightly relieved. Somehow, through all the irritation, anger, and pain came great clarity. Just because I spent three years with him didn’t mean that I had to spend three more.
When I pulled out of the drive, I wiped the rest of the tears from my face. Breathing deeply several times, I steeled myself long before I had to pull into the parking lot of the hospital where I’d spent the six hours prior. It was the only place that I had to go, but at least it was like a second home. That, however, was thanks to the number of hours that I spent there. Also, there were beds. Definitely a plus.
I was an RN at Clark County. I had a Bachelor’s degree and had planned to go for my Master’s, but decided against it when one of the physicians told me to go to medical school instead. Doctors don’t just walk around telling people that, so it was a very big day for me.
I respected him very much and to hear that he believed in me that much was huge. That fall I would begin the classes that would put me on pace to go for my Doctorate. I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to specialize in, yet, but I wasn’t about to let a bad relationship stop me.
“I hate to say it, Beth,” Andi Rochester, one of my co-workers, said. “I really do…”
“You think it’s a blessing,” I said, finishing her sentence.
Andi nodded, her large blue eyes wide, though her expression was soft and showed compassion.
“I do. Think about it. You’re about to start school again in the fall. You’re twenty-four years old and about to go to medical school. You’re about to go through the most stressful time of your life. Did you really want to add to it? Finding out now seems like the best-case scenario to me,” Andi explained.
I sighed again. “Looking at it from that point of view, I suppose you’re right. I’m still in the moment. I’m not exactly sure what to think at this point. I’m very confused. Part angry. Part relieved. Then it goes back to confusion again because I don’t understand how I can be so heartbroken and angry, but still feel relief that this happened. Ugh!”
Andi smiled. “It’ll be okay. I promise. One foot in front of the other and all that crap. First, we need to get the hard part out of the way.”
I groaned and held out my arm. “I know.”
I closed my eyes as Andi tightened the tourniquet. Once I felt her index finger prodding at my arm just to the side of the crease in my elbow, I turned my head. My brows furrowed, and my eyes never opened. I wasn’t a very big fan of getting my blood drawn, though I loved being in Andi’s place. Apparently, I’m a sadist.
“Sharp stick,” Andi said.
“Yup,” I said, already having known that it was coming.
I managed to stop myself from jumping as the needle went in. I imagined the flash of blood in the little vacutainer. Andi was very good at getting a hit every time, which calmed me, but I still hated it. There was just a lot of trust with her. I knew without looking that there was a steady stream flowing into the tiny tube at that very moment.
“All done,” Andi said.
“That was quicker than I expected,” I said.
“Well, I only needed one. We're doing standard HIV, hep, and syphilis tests. We didn’t need half your volume,” Andi joked.
I smiled. “I guess you’re right. This sucks.”
“The sucking isn’t over yet, my dear,” Andi said. “I still need cultures.”
My face puckered in an exaggerated grimace as Andi smiled. I leaned back, getting as comfortable as possible on the exam table.
“I hate this. This is what I get for making that nasty comment to him about having to get a Q-tip the length of his forearm rammed down his urethra.”
“Did he even know what that meant?” Andi asked.
“I could tell by the look on his face he had no idea. I told him to look it up. The bitch of it is that he won’t even have to do that. Only the blood test and a urinalysis probably, but here I am getting prodded,” I said. “I hope they do his tests old school, though.”
“Sorry, love. I know it’s not how you imagined spending your morning, but it’s also why you came back here, isn’t it?” Andi asked. “You don’t have any idea how long he’s been sleeping with her.”
“I had nowhere else to go,” I said. “I didn’t even think about this until you brought it up. Do you have any more salt to put in the wounds?”
Andi laughed. “I can go get Doc Hottie if you’d like. I’m sure he’d be delighted to take a look, but I’m almost done.”
“You’re disgusting,” I said, smiling. “For a NP, you’re not very professional. Just get this over with.”
“You got it. Also, did you actually come to me for professional? Because I think we both know that’s not me if I’m among my people. I make us sound like an indigenous hospital-dwelling tribe, but my statement stands.”
I shook my head. As promised, she finished quickly. I sat up and started grabbing my clothes.
“I’m going to go lie down. I’m exhausted, and I feel like crap.”
“Go on,” Andi said. “I’ll make sure that no one bugs you.”
“Thanks,” I replied before Andi turned to leave the room.
Wasting no more time, I got dressed and made my way down the hall, hoping that I would catch a stroke of luck and the room reserved for the docs and nurses pulling long shifts would be empty. Not only was it empty, but I noticed that it had recently been stocked with fresh linens. I silently thanked whoever was responsible because I didn’t have to round some up. I quickly made up a bed and got comfortable. To my surprise, sleep came fast and hard. It was a dreamless sleep, but it was exactly what I needed.
* * *
I woke around noon to Andi coming in the room and rattling some papers in my face.
“What?” I asked, annoyance clear in my voice. My heart raced from Andi’s rude entrance scaring me awake.
Andi sat down. “The tests came back inconclusive. It doesn’t look good. They're retesting everything.”
“What!” I shrieked.
There were a string of curses and death threats that were forming in my mind at that very moment. All aimed toward Kevin
Andi smiled. “Calm down. You’re fine. I was just joking. Here.”
I snatched the lab results from Andi’s hands and read them for myself. Everything had tested negative.
“Why are you a psycho? First, I was going to gripe at you for scaring me to death, then I was going to yell at you for tricking me so coldly, and now I’m just happy that I’m clean.”
“You are my patient. Well, you were, anyway. Not now. You’re discharged. Healthy as a horse! That hair though…”
“I’m going to kill you,” I said, shoving the papers back to Andi and lying back down. “I’m going back to sleep. I don’t want to wake up ever again.”
“Oh, I see. You’ve hit that stage. The first nap always seems to have that effect. Well, I figured it wouldn’t be long. Get up.”
“What?” I asked, my head rising again.
“That’s the third time you’ve started a sentence with that. Oh, God. Your communication skills are already starting to fail,” she said.
“I’m not leaving,” I replied flatly.
“Yep. We’re going somewhere. Please? It’s noon, and I just got off work. Let’s go. I’ll give you a few minutes to get ready. I’m not going to let you get lost in your head. Once you let it start, it consumes you, and it’s nearly impossible to climb back out. You know I’m right. I went through this last year.”
“I remember. It took me almost all year to get you out of it,” I remembered.
All through nursing school her husband was cold and indifferent. Andi couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. Things never changed, even after graduation. A young woman came in for an STD test, and it came back positive. The name sounded so familiar, and I just couldn’t place it. It drove me crazy for a while until I put the pieces together.
Andi had been complaining about a girl that he worked with, but she’d only recently gotten her name. I reminded her that someone that age with that very same name had come in testing positive for chlamydia only the month before. Andi had been the one to treat her, so I hadn’t broken any rules. I’d only remembered because she acted so strange. She’d even requested another doctor, but none were available that night and Andi was it.
That night Andi went home and did a search. She found the exact same prescription in his sock drawer. The name on it was Melinda Tildon. The prescriber: Andi Rochester. The girl had asked for a second script for her partner. Andi had given it to her. She’d smiled and handed over a script to treat her own husband for chlamydia and had no idea.
After that, Andi went into deep depression. She moved into her parents’ house, and it took nearly a year to get her back to normal. It made sense that her first move was to test me, even though it never occurred to me. Looking into her eyes at that moment, I could see her pleading with me. She was terrified I’d fall like she did. I didn’t want to be like that. I couldn’t afford to be that far gone.
I sighed. “Alright. Where are we going?”
“Anywhere that will get your mind off this. Just get up. Brush that nest and those teeth, and we’ll go,” Andi said.
I crawled out of the break room bed and put on my pants. Moving over to the mirror I could see what she’d seen. I was a mess. I’m not exactly sure what happened in the five hours that I was asleep, but it was apparently very exciting. I grimaced as I grabbed a brush and pulled it through.
Andi and I made our way out of the hospital and to Andi’s car. Our conversation had made a drastic switch to the day that Andi had, for which I was grateful. The idea was to forget about the day, not to dwell. Talking about a patient’s vomit would have been preferable to talking about the proverbial turd that was my relationship at that moment.
“It’s so beautiful out today,” I said, and it was.
The sky was bright blue, and the sun was high. The temperature was perfect outside. Just cool enough for a jacket, but it wasn’t absolutely necessary. The light breeze made everything perfect.
“We should go to the park,” I said. It was a random idea and as fast as it occurred to me, I blurted it out. “Yeah! Let’s go to the park!”
“You’re far too excited about the park, but okay. It really is nice out. A walk wouldn’t kill us,” Andi replied.
I laughed. “Quite the opposite. I’ve gained between ten and fifteen pounds. Doesn’t sound like much, but on a small and curvy frame, that’s a lot of weight. I need to work that off.”
“You’re eating your sex drive, I think,” Andi said.
I had always worked out and taken care of myself. Even with that, my diet wasn’t perfect, so I wasn’t stick thin. I didn’t want to be. I was thick in the thighs and hips and, at the moment, rocking a little tummy, but I didn’t care. The weight gain had been from stress and, as Andi had so rudely put it, eating away the sex drive. I was frustrated and quite depressed. Unfortunately, I had no idea how badly until I saw that jerk in bed with someone else. Still, I guess it’s better now than never.
“Sad, but true,” I stated. “That’s okay. I’m going to start taking out my frustration on working out. That sounds like fun.”
“Your definition of fun greatly differs from mine,” Andi said.
I rolled my eyes at her and she laughed, as usual.
The drive to the park across town was terrible. It took forever. It was just shy of 1 PM and everyone and their brother’s dog was on lunch, so traffic was horrid. By the time we spent thirty-five minutes crossing town and getting stuck by a train, we’d almost lost our will to go, but I forced it.
“I refuse to waste today,” I said.
“Oh, well, look at you,” Andi said. “An hour ago you were about to rip my head right off my shoulders for waking you, and now you’re ready to go.”
I shrugged. “Don’t mess with my good mood. I don’t know why I’m in it, but let’s not test it.”
“Very well, then,” Andi said, smiling as she got out of the car.
I inhaled deeply, the scent of the grass and trees filling my senses. The shadows on the ground danced as the wind blew through the leaves. There were two squirrels playing in a nearby tree and kids playing on the playground with their moms in short distance. The park was a fabulous idea. My mind already felt more at ease.
Andi and I chatted along the concrete path that twisted throughout the park. There were sculptures, fountains in beautifully colored ponds, ducks waddling around the water, and lots of other things to keep the mind free and open. Looking around as we walked, I realized that I’d found my way of coping. Suddenly I found myself wanting to explore hiking trails, learning how to rock climb, or maybe even take a skydiving class!
Whoa, brain…
Maybe not skydiving…
“Ooooh, my,” Andi said, interrupting me.
I had just been telling her about my newfound possible interests, but that was halted before I got halfway through. Probably a good thing because she’d have laughed herself to death if I’d mentioned the skydiving thing.
“What?” I asked.
“Do you seriously not see what I see?” Andi asked, looking toward a basketball court a couple hundred feet or so away.
“Yup. It’s painted concrete. Some goals. A fence. Have you never seen any of those things? They put the orange ball in the hoop. It’s fascinating stuff, really,” I said sarcastically.
“First off, smartass, that’s blacktop. Secondly, I’m talking about the four guys playing,” she replied.
I shrugged. “What about them?”
Her jaw was slightly ajar, her brows furrowed as she looked at me like I was less than human.
“You can’t be serious,” she said flatly. “Sometimes I don’t think you’re alive. You’ve just made it weird. It’s no longer innocent peeking if I have to explain to you why we’re doing it. Now it’s just creepy.”
“And semi-sleazy,” I said.
“Oh, you,” Andi said. “Hush your face.”
I sighed and looked over to the court. There were four men playing, each one shirtless and in shorts, minus one that was in jeans. I could see what she saw. They were fun to look at, but that didn’t matter to me. A man was the cause of my current issues. Granted, I was too stupid to leave that man for a long time, but that was beside the point. It felt strange to be ogling half-naked men playing basketball in a park.
“They’re definitely pretty to look at,” I said finally. “Especially the one in the jeans. Well, from what I can tell from here, anyway. All I can see is tanned skin and muscles. I can’t really make out his face.”
“You should go say hi,” Andi said.
I gave her an incredulous look. “Are you joking right now? Please tell me that you’re joking.”
Andi’s smile grew as she shook her head.
“How ‘bout that walk?” I asked, walking forward.
“You’re no fun!” Andi said. “Let me live vicariously through you!”
“Live for yourself,” I replied. “You’re not in a relationship. Go at it.”
“I can’t. I’m being responsible. I have no trust to offer because of what happened last year. It wouldn’t be fair of me to drag someone along while I heal from that. You know that.”
“And you think me being in the exact same situation, only brand new, makes it okay? That’s the worst idea ever,” I said. “It also makes no sense. I admire that you’ve stayed away from men and dating. If more people did that then we would have less crazy people in relationships to ruin the good ones. Everyone is always so desperate to meet someone new. I, like you, am not interested. I’m taking a page from your book.”
“You don’t have to have a relationship,” Andi said. “You can just play a little. You’ve never done that. I have. It’s fun, but it gets old. You should and get it out of your system.”
“Nope,” I said. “I’m good.”
I took one last look over at the men playing, shamefully admiring them from afar before looking away and continuing my walk. I wasn’t going to let the day be ruined. As I walked, I noticed that I only heard my footsteps. There weren’t two sets. I turned and saw that I was completely alone.
“Andi?” I said, looking around.
I sighed again as I found my wandering friend. She’d magically found herself heading for the basketball court and was only a few yards from her destination. While I loved my friend dearly, times like those were when I questioned her mental age, as well as her sanity.