TWENTY-TWO

 

 

Raid opened the front door and went inside to find Shea and Diego washing up in the kitchen. They seemed to be finishing up. Shea stepped back to hang a hand towel on its rail. 

“I’m going to soak in the tub,” she said to Diego. “You two should have a nightcap.”

She’d noticed him, both of them had, and Raid had expected her to give him shit for missing the dinner she was so excited about cooking.

Diego ruffled her hair. “Thanks for the food, Pest.”

“Any time, D,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze.

The last thing Raid expected was for her to come over and touch his face. “Everything okay, baby?” He nodded once and she smiled. Though the expression was tired, he didn’t get any impression that she was mad, which only confused him further. “Do you need me to stay or can I be excused?”

“You can be excused.”

Kissing the tips of her fingers, she touched his lips and then turned around to disappear up the stairs. When the bathroom door closed above them, he turned a discerning eye on his friend. “She’s not angry?”

Diego slipped his hands in his pockets. “She’s tired,” he said. “She didn’t say it, but she’s probably more disappointed than angry.” His friend raised a shoulder as one side of his mouth ascended. “She’s a damn understanding woman, boss. Wish all of them were like that.”

Understanding. Yes, Shea was understanding. That didn’t mean he understood her. This whole setup, the dinner at the house, the planning, the candles, the wine, it was all too damn domesticated for him. Nothing pressing had come up at work, but he didn’t want the woman playing house like this was some suburban dream.

“Too understanding,” Raid muttered and then wondered if that implied he’d been looking for a fight.

Did he want to argue with her? Why? To hurt her? Because the make-up sex was so good? Or was there something more sinister at play?

If he fought with her, he could keep her at arm’s length. Kissing her in the mess, starting up anything close to a relationship with her should feel like a mistake. But, it didn’t. Having Shea Bonne around was against every established rule. He knew he shouldn’t let her get close, that he shouldn’t trust her, but she’d come through for him and showed she had loyalty to his mission.

Any person who respected what they did was valuable and this life wasn’t for everyone. Taking it in his stride came from a lifetime of being groomed for the role. Shea had picked it up in a matter of weeks. She was a natural. His Lady was a natural.

That only made him want her more.

Raid didn’t want to let her go. He didn’t want to send her back to the compound and forget that she was in his midst. Her body was too tempting. Her smile. Her laugh. She wasn’t only an asset to the job, she was everything he needed his woman to be. Strong. Determined. Capable. Shea wasn’t afraid of anything and she didn’t whine or complain. Any job he set her, she excelled at.

Even tonight, when any other woman would gripe and moan about him not showing up where he was supposed to, she accepted that he’d had somewhere more important to be and hadn’t busted his chops about it.

The truth was, he didn’t have anywhere important to be. The most important thing, the only place he craved being these days, was in bed with his Lady. It shouldn’t be this way and he was angry at himself for letting it happen. He shouldn’t think about her and let her distract him from his duties.

A few nights ago she’d mentioned the legacy and an heir. In the initial second after she’d said it, a rush of relief had cascaded through him. That sensation had been quickly replaced by horror. This woman, who’d literally fallen from the sky was not only easing his existence, she had offered to shoulder the greatest burden of his life, and one he’d been feeling the weight of more in recent years.

In his thirties now, he knew he still had a few good years in him providing illness or accident didn’t befall him. But, he needed time with a child, to raise them and ensure they knew what they’d be taking on.

Shea had implied that she’d give her life to the compound, and the life of their offspring too. Already he owed her a debt of gratitude, just because she’d kept the place running when he and Diego were unable to. Taking her child from her seemed more than any man should ask.

It would be something he’d have to ask of some woman eventually, and the idea of impregnating anyone except Shea did seem distasteful. But, her life decisions should be informed by choice, not by obligation. Although she’d said that she wanted her life to be here, he wasn’t sure that she meant it or that she wouldn’t change her mind in years to come. Being seduced by the notion of what they were doing was not the same thing as living it every minute of the day for decades.

“Boss?”

Diego moved in front of him. Raid realized he was still standing just inside the door where Shea had left him. Shaking himself from his thoughts, he cleared his throat and glanced around to see there were no remnants of the meal except a few wet dishes drying by the sink.

“Scotch?” Raid asked, leaving Diego’s concern to go around the dining table to the locked liquor cabinet on the other side.

“Your Lady already tipped half a bottle of wine down me,” Diego said. “If anything goes down tonight—”

“She can outshoot both of us,” Raid said, opening the cabinet and pouring two generous measures.

Taking the drinks to Diego, he handed one over. “Shea’s some woman.”

The tone and look about Diego were curious. Raid knew that his relationship with Shea was raising lots of questions. Appearing confident wasn’t as easy with her around as it had been before her.

“Yes, she is,” Raid said and nodded toward the balcony.

Both of them crossed the room to go outside. They sat at opposite ends of the patio couch and enjoyed silence for a minute or two.

“Your relationship is none of my business,” Diego said.

Raid could sense Diego’s hesitation, except it obviously wasn’t going to prevent his number two from saying what he wanted to say anyway. “You’ve never hesitated to share what’s on your mind in the past.”

“When you ended things before, she was devastated… it screwed with her head.”

Letting his gaze float around to Diego, Raid narrowed his eyes. “Are you warning me off?”

“The opposite actually,” he said and let his lips curl. “I told Shea to give this another chance. I think you’re good for each other. That you’re good together. But, if you break it off again… if you hurt her again…” Raid didn’t respond, and shifted his focus away. “Are you planning to hurt her again?”

“I didn’t plan to hurt her the first time,” he said, despising how he let the bite of anger reach his words.

It wasn’t Diego’s fault. Raid had ended things with Shea for her own good. At least, that’s what he’d thought at the time. Kicking her out was nothing to do with not wanting her or wishing to upset her, he’d believed it was the smart choice to make. Though, it was one he was struggling to make again.

“I didn’t mean to—”

“She confides in you,” Raid said, disliking this tangent, though it was one he’d have to get used to as long as Shea was around.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “I think so… We don’t talk about you… I mean, she doesn’t… tell me personal stuff.”

Much as it would be strange to have his lieutenant know personal things about his private life, Raid had to accept that Shea and Diego had connected before he had laid eyes on her.

If Shea needed someone to talk to, he had faith that she would know what was appropriate to share and what should be kept between them. “I trust her.”

“She doesn’t think that you do.”

Doing his best to conceal his reaction to that statement, Raid was stunned. Keeping his mouth closed and his gaze level, he couldn’t believe that Shea could doubt his faith in her, not after their conversation about the cellphone and how she’d handled the compound in his absence.

Shea was a rock.

The phone was used during field work and wouldn’t work out here. The sat phone had never been used. It was always kept charged, just in case of dire emergency. Though, Raid couldn’t actually think of a scenario in which he would use it. The integrity of the compound was paramount and anything would be sacrificed to ensure it remained steadfast.

Except, now he had Shea. Would he compromise that integrity for her?

Even just thinking it was a break from the norm. Except, he hadn’t displayed that faith in any way she understood it. For him, claiming her in front of the men was a declaration of intent. Bringing her here to his home should be a sign that he wanted her in his life.

But, Diego was right. Raid had hurt her. She’d probably thought they were on the path to some kind of relationship before and he’d managed to shatter her faith in him by breaking her heart. Shea pledged herself to him, that’s what she’d said on the same day he’d ended their association with her.

Raid shouldn’t be surprised that Shea didn’t believe he trusted her, because she didn’t trust him. Why should she when he’d spun on a dime in the past?

“She trusts you.”

“Well, yeah, but it’s not the same thing,” Diego said. “I’m like her brother. I protect her.”

That made his head snap around. “I’m her Laird.”

Diego nodded. “Sure, ‘cept I don’t think she wants you to worry about her safety as her boss.”

Worrying about Shea was a full-time job in itself. The compound was crawling with men. There were literally hundreds of them, and she was the only female. His employees were vetted to the hilt and trained more than that. Though, if the inmates ever got run of the place, and he and Diego were out of commission, Raid didn’t know that any of her comrades would give up their lives for her. Even if they would, there were only so many men who could stand between her and danger before the danger overwhelmed them.

“This is an adjustment for everyone.”

“And, that’s a line she’s sick of hearing,” Diego said, probably before he remembered who he was talking to because a few seconds later, he followed up with, “sir.”

Sometimes being at the top wasn’t the best position. Even if Raid wanted to confide in his lieutenant, pouring his heart out wasn’t in his nature. What would he say? That yes he did feel something for Shea but that he didn’t want to, for her sake rather than his own? Once, here on this balcony, Shea had commented about his mother having a hard life. Now there was a chance that Shea wanted to sign up for the same deal.

Trusting her would mean giving her his all and Raid wasn’t sure it was within his power to do that. The compound was important, of course it was, but that wasn’t what was holding him back. He’d taken Shea’s life from her, stolen it. When he said she got the same sentence as everyone else, he’d doomed her to living out her days servicing his family’s legacy.

Claiming her had tied her to him, whether she wanted to be shackled to him or not. No other man here would challenge him for her, and if he tried, Raid would be able to squash them in a second, regardless of what Shea wanted.

Others may think he was in some way selfless for what he gave up to run the compound. His relationship with Shea proved just how selfish he was. Raid wanted her, so he’d taken her. She might think she’d had a choice about being intimate with him, except he hadn’t cared about her interests. If he had, he might not have been so hasty in claiming her. He liked owning her and didn’t want there to be a second that she wasn’t by his side.

Damn. He despised himself for his need and how he ached for her.

“Shea won’t ever be free again,” Raid said.

“She knows that.”

This time when he looked to his second, he was more resigned than emotional. “How would you feel knowing that you kept your woman in a cage?”

Considering it for a few seconds, Diego must have tried switching places with him. “This place might be a cage for some. Not for her. Shea is free here… There’s nothing you wouldn’t give her.”

“Nothing but her freedom.”

“If you grant her that, she may never come back.”

“Exactly,” Raid said, not understanding why his colleague couldn’t see his point of view. “She’d never expose us, but she’s not with me because I’m her first choice. She’s with me because I’m the best of what she has to choose from… in her opinion.”

“That’s all life is, boss,” Diego said, tossing the remainder of his liquor into his throat. “We make choices about what’s available to us. She chose you. She did. It’s not up to us to second guess her.”

“Your advice is to embrace the relationship whether it’s what’s best for her or not?”

“Who are we to know that?” Diego asked. “She had her pick of losers out there, and didn’t pick any of them, did she? From what I can figure, you two have been dancing around each other since the second you met. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t. All I’m saying is, don’t hold back. Be honest with her… She needs it. She needs reassurance… If she’s allowed to show weakness to anyone, it should be you. Right now, she feels like she has to be solid all the time, and she’s a strong woman, no denying that. But, you’ve got to give her a safe space, she shouldn’t worry that every time she opens her mouth, you might judge her or punish her.”

Speculating on whether Shea may feel that way, Raid considered his friend’s words and was only vaguely aware of Diego bidding him goodnight and leaving the house.

Figuring out how to navigate his relationship with Shea was a challenge and he hadn’t had a good one of those in a long time. Her happiness was paramount to him, at least on par with his dedication to the compound. If she believed he wasn’t trustworthy, or that he didn’t trust her, then he’d failed her.

Making a plan to remedy that failing was going to be difficult.

 

 

Her time in the tub had been relaxing, except Shea was still thinking about her dinner conversation with Diego when she got out.

Raid was in the bedroom getting undressed when she left the bathroom. As much as she wanted to ask what had kept him away from the dinner table, she wasn’t going to. The compound was important, more important than one measly meal. Creating friction or making Raid believe she was in competition with his mission would only lead to conflict.

Tossing her towel in the laundry hamper, she left the closet door open and went to the mirror to pull the pins from her hair to let it flow down her back.

“Domestic isn’t in my genes.”

Raid’s voice in the bedroom made her pause and blink at her reflection. He’d said the words at a decent volume, so she could only guess that he’d meant for her to hear them. Though, she didn’t know why he’d chosen to say them or how she was supposed to respond.

“Okay,” she called back, picking up her comb to pull it through her hair.

“I should’ve called tonight… Standing you up is unacceptable.”

It was true that Raid wouldn’t like being stood up. If the roles were reversed, she could be punished for not showing when he’d requested her presence. But, this relationship would never work if she didn’t tolerate the unexpected.

Putting the comb back on her dresser, she went into the closet doorway to find him sitting on the end of the bed at the other side of the room. “As long as you’re safe, that’s all I care about,” she said. “It was work; no one was hurt. That’s something we shouldn’t take for granted.”

Diego had been released from the infirmary, but was still on limited duties. It would take time for him to return to his previous peak condition. Though probably not as long as it would take most regular people.

“I need time,” he said, sending a chill through her.

Fearing that he was about to end their relationship again, Shea really wished she wasn’t naked in this moment and thought about backing up to grab one of his shirts. If he kicked her out now, if he broke it off, that would be it, there would be no coming back, regardless of what Diego asked of her.

“Are you asking me to leave?”

His chin rose in shock. “No,” he said, pinning her in his sights. “No, Poppet, I’m… I’m asking for the opposite.”

Now she was really confused. “You want me to stay?”

“Come over here,” he said, shifting along the bed a little.

Crossing the room, she sat down at his side. Taking her hand in his, he slid his palm up her arm from her knuckles, over her wrist, all the way to her elbow.

“Baby?”

“What we are is unique,” he said. “You’ve heard it before, but there has never been another woman here… You’ve told me before that you found my procedures reassuring when you needed them.”

She nodded. “Yes.”

“My father’s procedures, my grandfather’s rules, my great grandfather’s policies, they do the same thing for me. I have lived by a doctrine that was passed down through the generations and, as best I can, I don’t deviate from it. I make adjustments and update details where I have to, but, for the most part, I live by the spirit of what they bequeathed me.”

This was something. Raid didn’t often volunteer information without it being solicited. Diego may have said something to him. Shea hoped her friend hadn’t risked his own friendship with their Laird to stand up for her.

“And, I screwed that up,” she said, watching his face as he examined his hand on her arm that was still gliding up and down.

“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t ask to crash or to be brought here… And, you didn’t ask for the man in charge to desire you.”

His gaze ascended to hers, sending warmth skittering through her. “I wanted you to,” she said. “If I could’ve asked for you to want me, I would have.”

The tension between his brows made her wary. “It’s more than that, She,” he said, tightening his hold on her hand. “More than desire or want…” It had to be that he was struggling to articulate what was inside him; that he was trying meant so much to her. “But, you were brought here against your will—”

“Not by you,” she said, springing closer and putting a hand to his face. “I’d crash a thousand times over again if it meant finding you.” Something in the way his chin rose and his eyelids shifted made her think that he wanted to believe her. “You do believe that I want this, don’t you?”

There was no way he could think that she was trying to manipulate him. If Shea had wanted freedom, she’d have taken the chance to grab it after the riot. Sliding his hand over hers, he drew it down from his face and into his lap. “You think I don’t trust you.”

She might have recoiled if he hadn’t been holding her. It worked out in her favor though. After the surprise subsided, her next thought was that staying to address the issue, facing it, was a positive. “Diego told you that.”

“He shouldn’t have had to,” Raid said. “You are safe here… with me.”

“I know that.”

Her Laird shook his head. “I hurt you before and you’re waiting for me to do it again.”

“That’s not what it is,” she said, hoping that wasn’t how Diego had put it to him. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about your duty here. I want to shoulder some of that responsibility. Not in a practical way, I know you have everything under control. But… someone has to support you. I want you to let me in, to trust me enough to be honest with me.”

“About us?”

“About everything, about anything. When I brought up your heir, I didn’t do it to scare you or to hurry you, I did it to let you know that I’m in this all the way. Sometimes you pull away from me, I can feel you withdraw, and that makes me think that you don’t trust me. All I want is to know that you will share your life with me, that’s all… You’re safe with me too.”

“Diego said that you needed a safe space.”

She smiled. “I do need a safe space… So do you and I want us to be that for each other… I want us to be faithful… to trust and protect each other.”

“You want to get married,” he murmured.

“If that’s what you want.”

Though she wasn’t sure how they would go about that what with their being no one around who could marry them… as far as she knew anyway. Getting a marriage license would be tough too if she couldn’t go anywhere to sign paperwork.

“Like I said, I need time,” he said. “You have to absorb everything that has happened too… Let’s find a rhythm before we think about kids or marriage.”

The weight of worry was dwindling. It was like her shoulders loosened and her lips curled as optimism infused her. “I’d like that,” she said. “And, that’s all I want. A chance to be with you, to love you like you should be loved.”

He registered that she’d used the word, though he didn’t acknowledge it. Accepting his kiss, Shea readied herself for what would come next given that they’d made progress. Knowing that he was aware of her fears made her feel better. Finding a groove would take time, but they were going to try, and, in that moment, it was all Shea could hope for.