Chapter Seventeen
Broken Dishes
They were both sprawled out on a blanket in front of the fireplace. The house was dark except for the shadows on the walls from the flames of the fire and two candles Claire had found and placed on the end tables. One of them was going undetected and dripping wax onto the wood finish of the table. It was toasty in the room and both she and Colin were even warmer from the bottles of wine they shared between them.
An empty can of tuna lay on a plate and a few olives floated in a jar on the floor. Colin had also located a gallon of ice cream in the freezer: Rocky Road Delight. After they scraped off the ice crystals, they shared it with two spoons and laughed shamelessly at each other as they fought for the last roasted almond in the carton.
“You haven’t changed at all, Claire. Well, except for your hair and makeup.”
“I’ll tell you what’s changed.” Claire’s eyelids drooped over her pupils. “This paint color. Wasn’t it blue? Did your mom change it again?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. Something registered in her lagging brain. “What did you just say? You don’t like my hair?”
She colored it on a whim close to her thirtieth birthday. She was tired of being the mousey one at work. The relentless pulled back ponytail was for a college graduate, not a professional geneticist. Although her colleagues looked as though they’d just crawled out from the spine of a book, she wanted to move into her sexy new age. The stylist said blonde would definitely do that for her. She could tell Alex loved the change. He was even more forceful making love to her the night she came home with it.
“Contrary to what you might think, I do like it. It makes you look completely different. Wild, adventurous, dangerous. Then again, I’d like you bald-headed.” His eyes lingered, staring into her eyes.
The wine had gone to her head for sure. She was certain he was coming on to her. And, shamelessly, she liked it. “I see you’ve gone and got yourself a new scar.” She touched his forehead. Her fingers slowly traced down the jagged line of the scar. It was deliberate and methodical—and about an inch and a half in length. “Where did you get it from?”
“Funny story, that is.” He placed his hand on Claire’s as she tried to move it from his skin.
She paused, wanting to let it remain to feel his touch. To let him hold it while he told his story. Just until it was over, then she’d take it back. Instead, she placed it back on the blanket.
“I had a car accident and the windshield stopped my head from exiting the vehicle.” He chuckled and took another drink. “Funny how everyone was so frightened I’d crash in a plane, yet a car accident almost did me in.”
“Were you seriously injured?” Claire sat up and squinted to better understand what he was saying.
“Not really. A broken collarbone and my knee got busted pretty good.” He flexed his leg in and out, showing it still worked.
“So, you couldn’t fly for a while either, then? Of course, you don’t do much with your legs while piloting, I’d imagine.” She moved her wine glass and laid down her head, looking up, watching him speak.
“That’s a joke.” He swished the red beverage still in his glass.
“What do you mean? Colin, I’m a bit tipsy. I don’t remember how you drive a plane. Give me a break.”
“No, it has nothing to do with that. I’d have to actually pilot a plane in the first place, and then be told not to after an accident.”
She scrunched her nose and tilted her head.
“It turns out Dad never got the airstrip winning bid and the plane sits in a hangar in North Carolina, very much as new as the day I pulled the bow from it.” He cocked his eyebrows. “Emily doesn’t prefer I fly it. She said I’m going to crash and die. As if that would be the worst thing that could happen to me.”
Claire’s jaw unhinged. She stared at the chintz rug beneath them. Trying to navigate his last statement. She chose to steer away from it. “Did you at least get your pilot’s license?”
“Yes. Thank God I did that before we got married, or I might not have had the opportunity.”
He laid back on the ground beside Claire and buried his face underneath his hand. “Claire, tell me, what did I do wrong?”
“What do you mean?” She rolled over to her side and stared at him. He’d taken off the nightshirt and was only in his tank top and boxers. His muscles flexed with each stroke to his face. She studied the pronounced veins, pulsing blood in his arms. She remembered how it felt to be this close to him.
“Colin, I’m certain you’re not that unhappy. Maybe you could try to compromise with Emily. Tell her how you feel about flying and maybe go out twice a month. On really clear, sunny days with very little wind. And then pray you don’t crash. You’d hate to prove her right.” She pushed his arm and giggled.
He dropped his arm to his side and stared at the ceiling. “I’m not talking about flying, Claire.”
She realized she’d stopped breathing, and closed her eyes. How would she dig herself out of this hole? She couldn’t go there with him. Not now. Not ever. Questions like “Where did we go wrong?” should never be answered. Especially not over wine and without a chaperone.
“Colin—”
“No, Claire. I’ve had time to think about it.” He rolled over and stared at her. “You told me it wasn’t me you loved—it was some guy from college. That’s why you left. That’s why you ended it with me. And like some jealous idiot, I let you go. But you didn’t end up with that guy. You ended up with Alex. Why is that? What happened after you left here? What happened to college guy? How did you end up with Alex?”
“It just didn’t work out.”
“Was there even a college guy? Or did you just not love me?”
She refused to open her eyes. What good could come from this discussion? What if she just went limp and pretended to be comatose till morning? Would he stop prodding her with sticky questions of the past? The past where she remained most of the days of her present-day life.
“Claire, answer me, please. Why did you tell me you didn’t love me? Do you know how absolutely crushed I was? I was going to tell my dad about us. I was prepared to go back to New York with you. You might not believe it, but I was. And then I wake up and you’d left. It killed me to lose you. I called you for weeks.”
It was true. She had to let her battery run dead just not to constantly stare at the phone screen and calm her shaking hand not to press his return number.
“The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you, Colin.”
“Then why did you? Tell me the truth, Claire.”
“It makes very little difference now. We’re both married with children. It’s not just about us. We aren’t what matters now.”
“Was there another guy? I want to know.”
She rolled onto her back and screamed. The empty house carried her voice.
“Tell me, Claire. Why won’t you just tell me?”
“Yes, of course, Colin.”
“All right, I’ll leave it alone.”
“Thank God!” she said with relief.
“But know I want to press it and ask how you and Alex ever hooked up. I mean it doesn’t make sense. I’ve racked my head but I never found an answer.”
“I know the feeling.” She hid her face in her hands. The buzz was wearing off and she was growing tired.
When she didn’t hear any movement from Colin, she looked through one of her closed fingers to see what he was doing. She found him staring at her. Slowly she removed her hand. “What are you doing? Are you going to stare me into admission of something? I’ve told you what you asked.”
“I’m imagining we’re back in time. Frieda is in the guesthouse, rummaging around and drinking her teas, Mallory and Jason are who knows where, and Mom and Dad are antiquing. It’s just me and you. Time has stopped and we’re here.”
She watched him as he described a fantasy she’d dreamed of once or twice. Her eyes wandered to his lips as he spoke. She needed to get as far away from him as she could.
“I’ve got to get some air.” She stumbled as she tried to get to her feet. She grabbed the edge of the sofa for support.
“Are you all right?” He stood to help her.
“I’m fine. I’ve just got to get out of here, that’s all.”
“Claire, where are you going?”
She ran to the kitchen with a candle she grabbed from the table. She swung open the cabinet where the dishes were kept. She grabbed three of them, tucked them underneath her arm and pushed by him and ran outside into the night.
The shy moon stood high in the sky, peeking out from the clouds every other minute, sharing just enough light for her to find her way to the beach. She’d slipped on a pair of shoes by the door of Frieda’s. They were too big and she kept coming out of them every time she stepped. She held tight to the plates and felt the anger raging inside her like the storm that had swept through an hour ago. The wind that blew was cold, but she didn’t feel it seep past her lightweight clothing. All she focused on was throwing something. She figured it was better than surrendering herself to Colin and his persistent time traveling.
The rain had stopped and as quickly as the storm had come, it was gone. Left from it was a soaked dock. Her footing was unsteady on it. When she reached the boathouse, she pulled back her arm and threw one of the plates against the metal siding and screamed. The cove echoed her pain. It exhilarated her to hear the plate shatter into a thousand pieces. Now she wasn’t the only one suffering. This godforsaken place would know the pain she kept with her since she left last. She turned away right before the break and squinted.
Her heartbeat raced as she grabbed another one and did the same thing. When that one splintered against the wall, her arm dangled next to her. Slowly the desire that raged inside her body to touch and kiss Colin was released. With each crash of china, the world could hear her anguish over the years of not having the man she loved. She imagined the sleeping birds in their high perches applauding her for the months and years of endurance. The lonely hours spent in bed, thoughts of Colin haunting her mind as Alex lay resting beside her, unaware she was dying. Feeling the anguish of her feelings and the desperation of never again experiencing that kind of love again in her life.
“Claire, have you completely lost your mind?” Colin asked, holding his hands against his ears.
She turned to see him standing in his pants and jacket from earlier. The collar was pressed against his neck. “What are you doing? You’ll catch cold in those clothes. Go back, Colin. I’ll be in after I’m finished.”
“Finished? Finished with what? Have you lost your mind?”
She held the third dish, ready to catapult it into a thousand pieces, and began to cry. “I can’t stop the feelings I have for you, Colin. I can’t sit in there and pretend I don’t want to spend every second of this precious chance we’ve been given touching your face, kissing your lips, and letting myself fall in love all over again with you. I’m not strong enough to walk away. You’ve haunted me every day.”
He moved close enough and grabbed hold of her arm. She dropped the last dish on the dock. It broke in two pieces. He passionately kissed her, taking her face in his hands and inhaling all that she was.
He stopped a moment and looked into her eyes. “I never stopped loving you, Claire.”
He then lifted her up and carried her back to the house, where they made love on the blanket in front of the fire the rest of the night.
It was another secret she’d have to keep.
∞ ∞ ∞
Colin woke up when the first speck of daylight touched the room. He couldn’t believe he was lying next to Claire. It was something he thought he’d never be given the chance to do again in life. She lay with her arm under her head. Her blonde hair draped over the blanket and her breasts were exposed. Like a perfect sculpture, she was everything he’d thought about for the last six years. At times, he wondered whether she’d ever stop plaguing his thoughts. Had he plagued hers?
Now he knew she’d wanted him just as much. It was never going to be this good with Emily. Going through the motions of everyday wasn’t enough for him now. He needed Claire, and the rest would work itself out.
“Hey,” he said as she peeked open an eye to look at him.
“Hey.” She picked up her watch on the floor by the sofa. “Colin, it’s six thirty. What are you doing awake? I thought you were the perpetual sleeping-in kind.”
“I didn’t want to squander one second I had with you.” He leaned over and kissed her.
“I better get up and get ready. I’m not sure when the first ferry leaves.”
She went to rise up and he pulled her to him. “Claire, don’t rush this. I need to stay here with you for as long as we can.”
She stopped moving and sat very still; her stare was blank. He noticed the grip she held on their shared blanket. “Are you okay?”
She turned and looked at him. Her eyes still seemed directionless. “I’m…I’m just a little speechless.”
He caressed her shoulder. “Claire, I love you.”
She flinched. “I know you do.”
“Okay. So why the cool breeze this morning? I feel like this was an answered prayer. Us…last night. Finally.”
She pulled at the blanket and tried to cover herself more. “Colin, it was my daydream finally realized.”
“Okay, so what’s wrong?”
“What’s wrong?” She pulled back from his touch. “Let’s see, we just committed adultery. I cheated on Alex; you cheated on Emily. In no way is this okay.” She lowered her head. “No matter how right it felt to my mind and soul. It was wrong, Colin.”
He grabbed for his boxers and threw them on. “You know what’s wrong, Claire? I feel as though I’ve been cheating on you for the last six years. Each time I take Emily to bed, I feel it should be you. Does that make me a complete schmuck? Probably…most definitely. The only thing I can say in my defense is she knew I married her because of my duty to my father. This was his perfect union; not mine. But hey, guess what?” He shrugged and paced in front of her. “The girl who I was supposed to be with told me to get lost. She was just playing that summer. All those dreams we shared and she sold me were just vapors. Nothing more. Then I was forced to carry on and in true fashion of each summer at the end of your time here, you left. You left, Claire. I stayed and dealt with what I had to. You carried on.” He racked his fingers through his hair. “So you have the audacity to tell me this was wrong? That it wasn’t fair to Alex and Emily? Well, I say to you it was the most right thing I’ve done. And stone me if I don’t care at this very moment about Emily and Alex. We’ve been apart too long. That’s the wrong…the injustice here.”
She swallowed hard and didn’t move.
He knelt in front of her. “Tell me you don’t love me, Claire. Tell me in some small way you didn’t feel this was the rightest thing you’ve done in years?”
Her eyes fell to the ground. Slowly her lips parted. “It was right for us. But not for them. They don’t deserve this.”
“None of us do, Claire.” He took her hand and squeezed it. “Stay with me. Don’t go home. I need you. You need me. Let’s finally be together.”
She withdrew her hand. “Colin, stop.” She fell backward and pulled the blanket over her head. He heard her begin to cry.
“Claire, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
She flung the blanket off and grabbed for her shirt draped on the sofa. She threw her arms in it and stood, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “Don’t you think I don’t want to catch that ferry? That I don’t want to fly off with you into the sunset and lay next to you every night? Not caring if I’m in a cottage, on the ground, or in a tree? Just being next to you is enough.”
He moved close to her and took her by the arms. “Then let’s go. Let’s do what we were supposed to, back on that day before Emily and her family showed up. Let’s forget that you left. This is our chance to be together.”
“Colin, do you ever have a list of things to do for the day and run out of time? You’re lying in bed at night, thinking about the phone call you didn’t make, or the clothes you didn’t take to the cleaners?” She paused. “We were one of those things. The day ended for us. Living happily ever after didn’t get checked off. We don’t have a do-over. The new day came and with it brought Alex and Pearl; Emily and Maribel. These are our new days. Going back is not an option.”
He released her. He knew she was right. Fuck, she was right. He cursed the day that came and stole away his time and chance with Claire. He wanted the day back. He wanted the day they flew in that plane and he’d told her he loved her. Those things you just don’t cross off a list. Those things topped the list. And yet he knew she was right. It was too late. There were too many people now to consider. He imagined Maribel’s little face as he thought about it. How lost he would be without her. Emily had told him in the past if he did anything to mess up what they had, she’d see to it that Maribel would never see him again. She knew he loved his daughter more than he loved her.
Yes, it was too late.
∞ ∞ ∞
Claire stood beside her rental car. The freshness of the day was still quiet outside. It would take a few hours to wake the wren, to bring the seagull searching for food, and for the sun to begin baking what leaves still clung to the branches. Sounds of the gentle surf made her homesick. For what home, she didn’t know.
“I’m going to catch the next ferry out.”
He held onto her hand as if he wouldn’t surrender it for her to journey back home. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to take the same one as you. I don’t want to ride it knowing you’re pulling off and going in a different direction. I’m going to sit at that coffee shop, at the window we sat at, and think about you. I’m going to take a napkin from the dispenser on the table and write down everything I want to say to you right now but won’t. Then when I ride the ferry over to the mainland, I’m going to release the napkin into the ocean. And as I watch it being dragged off farther from the boat, I’ll know my feelings will go with it. I can’t take them home with me. It would be the death of my future with Alex.”
Colin pulled her into his arms and pressed her close to him. “Claire, I love you.” He moved his lips to her ear. “Do you remember when I first told you that?”
She closed her eyes. A tear fell on her cheek. “Don’t tell me that in the daylight.”
“Why not?” He didn’t release his hold.
“Because then I’ll know it’s not just a dream.”
She broke from his hold and got in her car. She sped out before she could look once more into his blue eyes.