Chapter Eighteen

The Unexpected Visitor

It’d been two weeks since Frieda’s funeral. Claire returned on Sunday evening to a frigid reception from Alex. He’d gone in the middle of the night to pick up Pearl from the sleepover. She’d become homesick and needed to see her parents. When he’d gotten the call from the friend’s mother, he checked to see whether Claire had called to check on their daughter. After trying several times to get in touch with her, he fell back to sleep.

She explained about the storm and how the ferry had stopped working and there was no electricity or cell phone service, but he still had a distance about him. Maybe it was her own paranoia. She couldn’t be sure and she couldn’t press him about it. She didn’t want to know his concerns—she couldn’t lay any he had to rest. She had her own keeping her awake at night.

Colin had tried calling her several times. He’d even texted. She quickly deleted everything and sent him a final answer to respectfully leave her alone. She thought it’d done the trick when she saw her phone blink with a new message a week later. It was Colin, again.

“Please call me back. I need to talk to you.”

She deleted it and went back to the computer keyboard and worked on finishing up a report for her team at work. The ringing phone startled her. It was Colin. She took a breath and answered it.

“Hello.”

“Hey, I’m glad you picked up. I was beginning to wonder if I was leaving messages on someone else’s phone.”

She took a deep breath and looked around her office. Talking to him made her uneasy. It didn’t matter that the sound of his voice pushed a flutter of butterflies through her stomach. “Colin, you need to stop calling and texting. I can’t talk to you.”

“I need to see you, Claire.”

“Absolutely not.” Her spine snapped erect and the butterflies drowned in boiling stomach acid. “Are you crazy?”

There was a knock on her office door. “Hold on a sec.”

The little college-aged receptionist popped her head in. “There’s someone here to see you, Claire.”

“Tell them I’ll be right with them.” Claire held her hand over the phone receiver. “Colin, I have—”

She stopped when his head peeked behind the girl standing at her door. “Surprise.”

Her breathing stopped. She was frozen. The phone was suspended in her hand next to her ear. Her attention redirected to the girl. “Janet, thanks.”

The girl moved out of the way to let Colin by. He obviously didn’t wait like normal people did to be announced and escorted back.

“Colin, what are you doing here?” She pulled him inside and shut the door. The girl peered over her shoulder as she walked away.

“You wouldn’t call back, Claire. I had to see you.”

God, she wanted to hear that so badly. She hadn’t stopped thinking about him since she drove off that morning. His blue eyes stayed pressed inside her memory, blinking like a neon sign in her mind.

He touched her hand. She laced her fingers in his and inhaled the scent of his aftershave—Eternity for Men. Those butterflies resurfaced and gave her a feeling of euphoria.

“We can’t do this. We said our good-byes at the beach house. You must stop calling me. It’s torture. What if Alex found my phone? Colin, you have to stop. I’ll die if you don’t.”

Her words hurt him. His joyful eyes turned sad. “Can we go somewhere and talk? Please.”

“Colin, Alex works in this city. A few blocks from here. What if he sees us? What if one of our friends sees us and asks about you?” Her heart raced.

“Then my problem’s solved. We’re found out.”

“Get serious.” She pulled away from him.

“I am, Claire. He’s not going to see us. Just take me somewhere. Anywhere.”

“Fine. Come on.” She grabbed her coat and they left for a nearby coffee shop. If anyone caught them, last time she checked it wasn’t a crime to drink coffee.

She placed her coat on the back of her chair as he pulled it out for her to sit. Her nerves were a jumbled mess inside. The last thing she should do is mix caffeine with this scenario. She even thought the barista had made a call after he wrote their names on their beverage cups. Colin ordered for her, laughing that he knew her favorite. She tried to keep it professional, pulling at the top button of her pea coat. Was he calling Alex now? Did he know her from Alex going there every morning and showing pictures of his family to everyone who worked there?

“So what is it, Colin? What did you fly to New York to tell me? We ended it. It’s over.” Her voice was low and she glanced in both directions while declaring it. She thought she recognized someone who’d just come in.

“It’s not over for me, Claire. I’ll never rid you of me.” He pushed his cup out of the way and leaned on the table to get closer to Claire. “You’ll always live inside me.”

“Colin…” she chided. “Keep your voice down.”

He grabbed for her hand. She was unable to recover it. He was persistent. “You are the last thought in my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up.” He paused. She stopped resisting. “Do you know I purposely leave open the shades before going to bed because I want the sun to wake me up the same time it wakes you? I remember you telling me you didn’t sleep with shades on the windows. I remember everything about you.”

She enfolded her other hand on his. Everyone in the coffee shop disappeared. This was her swan song. The last dagger to her heart. Hearing him say how he bore her in his soul would certainly end it for her. Not having any control over the past decisions and too much over future ones.

“Colin.” She took his hand in hers and cradled it. The gesture was as natural to her as drawing breath. “You’re making this the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life. I can’t love you anymore. I can’t hear you love me. You can’t love me. It’s as easy and complex as that. The sooner you come to grips with it, the better. It’s like trying to resist the sun from rising. It’s going to rise no matter what we think, what we want…it’s just the way it is. I won’t tear my family apart. Pearl will have enough to deal with than to be the kid in school who has a scandalous mother who left her dad for another man.”

“Another man?” He pulled away. “I thought I meant more to you than just another man.”

She lowered her voice and turned to see whether anyone was looking at them. “You know what I mean, Colin. You know what you mean to me. But that will be of little use to the people we claim to love. Alex doesn’t deserve this. Not after he’s loved me unconditionally.” She knew the sacrifice and hurt he dealt with by not being Pearl’s biological dad. “I won’t and can’t do it to them. Please understand. All you’re doing by insisting we admit to ourselves that we’re still in love with each other is killing me. Just let me try to find some kind of happiness in the life I have now. Without you.”

He pressed his back against the chair and lowered his head. “The last thing I want is to bring you heartbreak, Claire. I only wanted to be with you. It’s the only thing that makes sense in this world. You are what makes sense.” He pushed at his cup, again. “But, I would rather endure the sadness of not being with you than have you endure it by upsetting the life you have now. I concede, Claire. Alex wins.”

“It’s not about winning, Colin.”

“You don’t sit in my seat, Claire. He’s clearly the winner if he gets to spend his life with you.”

She stared at the wood grain on the table. Slowly other noises became audible around her. The guy behind the counter was shouting to the back they were out of scones. And a little girl was crying because her Danish had dropped on the ground. Colin rested his chin on his hand and looked out the window. Claire’s heart was flat-lining.

“Well, hey. I’ll get going. I’ve got a flight to catch.” He stood and kept his eyes averted from hers.

Her weak knees supported her to stand. She clutched at her stomach. “Okay. Well, I guess I’ll see you later.”

It was something she had to tell herself so she didn’t cry, knowing it was the last time she’d sit across from the table and see his blue eyes.

He smiled and looked at her. “See you later, Claire.”

“Yeah, be safe, Colin.”

She watched as he left the shop and got swallowed in the crowd on the sidewalk. He was undetectable as the swarm of people flowed past. She looked down at his cup and empty chair and felt the most incredible emptiness. Again.