*Mia*

 

I unlocked the door, stepping inside our house before I even knew what I was doing. Not giving myself the chance to change my mind. I debated on actually going through with this for the past two months. Not sure if I could handle all the emotions and feelings I knew would come from stepping over the invisible line of our relationship. Continuing to battle my heart over my mind.

I didn’t see his bike outside, so I knew he was at his shop. It was the talk of the town, even making the local papers. Stating, Military veteran and reformed biker outlaw was now a law-abiding citizen. Building one of a kind motorcycles from scratch. Bringing people in from all over just to see his next creation at his new shop downtown named, Pippin’s. I couldn’t have been more proud of him. Always knowing he was capable of so damn much. Never giving himself enough credit for anything in life.

I walked through our house for the first time, taking it all in. From the furniture we picked out together, to all the photos on the walls. I had no idea he had purchased any of this, yet. He never told me, never let me know what he had planned. It was all dreams, fantasizing about the day we could finally be together. I couldn’t believe my eyes, seeing the life we talked about and planned for behind all these walls.

Our future.

I knew the layout of the house because he showed me the blueprints, wanting me to be just as excited as he was about the home he purchased for us.

For our family.

Including a baby girl who wasn’t his.

My feet gravitated toward the room closest to ours as if I was being pulled by a string. Reeling me into the unknown. I didn't fight it. I went willingly, not sure what to expect, but needing to find out nonetheless. Nothing would stop my feet from moving toward the room we had designed the most out of the entire house. Spending hours upon hours looking through magazines and catalogs, wanting to make it absolutely perfect for her.

“Oh my God,” I breathed out, stopping dead in my tracks when I was standing in front of the room that was supposed to be Maddie’s nursery.

Exactly the way we wanted to decorate it, from the color of the walls to the crib, the accents, and changing table, even the scattered stuffed animals strategically placed around the room. There wasn’t one thing that we didn’t pick out together that wasn’t already in the nursery.

I couldn’t breathe.

I couldn’t move.

I could barely even stand.

My eyes pooled with tears, taking in the memories flooding my mind. Each one unfolding in front of me, playing out one by one as I made my way around the room. My fingers lightly skimming across everything, needing to make sure it was real and not a figment of my imagination.

My healing mind playing tricks on me.

“Pippin, baby girl’s room cannot just be pink,” Creed spoke, turning the page as we laid against the headboard on his bed.

I turned the page back and circled the light pink rocking chair that he blew over. “Why? Pink is the best color in the world, and it’s not even the same pink, it’s a totally different shade.”

“I like this one.” He pointed to the white rocker next to mine, taking the marker out of my hand and circling it.  

“White is so boring!”

“How ‘bout we buy the white chair and you can pick out one of those fluffy, pointless, fuckin’ pillows you seem to love to put on it.”

I bit my lip, smirking. “Fine.”

He smiled and crossed out the pink chair with a big black X.

My fingers gently glided along the soft bedding in the crib.

“I like all this princess shit,” Creed stated, circling the pink and white bedding with tiaras and castles. “You’re my fuckin’ queen, and she’ll be my princess.”

I kissed him, straddling his lap, beaming. “I love you, too.”

I opened one of the drawers, seeing all the magazines and catalogs he had brought me throughout the weeks of my pregnancy. I reached in grabbing them, revealing something I never in a million years thought he had kept.

Fresh tears filled my eyes as I took in the two stacks of envelopes, rubber banded together. The first stack I instantly recognized, they were the letters I had written him during his years in the Army. The ones that all went unanswered. I always thought he had thrown them away, but that didn't stop me from sending one every chance I got, wanting him to know someone back home was thinking about him. Praying for him.

But mostly just waiting for him to come home.

Each one was opened, crinkled, and torn like he had read them a thousand times. Memorizing all my words that I had written only for him.

It was the second set of envelopes which really caught my attention. They were all sealed with stamps, addressed to Miss Mia Ryder, AKA Pippin in his barely legible handwriting.

I smiled through my tears that were falling full force at that point. So many emotions were rushing over me, overwhelming me in the best possible way. He wrote me a letter for every one I sent him, replying to all my questions, all my thoughts, all my love for him. 

I grabbed everything from the drawer, bringing it over to the rocking chair with me, taking a seat in the place that would have contained all our happy memories of the baby girl we lost. I imagined what it would have felt like to actually rock Maddie right here, in my arms as I stared at her adoringly.

“I can’t wait to see you in that rocker, babe, holdin’ baby girl,” Creed rasped, getting down on his knees to kiss my belly.

I turned a few more pages, laughing at some of the ridiculous things Creed had circled like the onesies that said, ‘I love my daddy and his tattoos,’ or ‘If I look funny it’s because my daddy dressed me’ and my personal favorite, ‘My daddy owns a gun, any questions?’ He always thought of Maddie as his own. No matter what.

I flipped a few more pages when I suddenly stopped. My heart started pounding out of my chest, my ears began to ring, echoing all around the room when I saw there was a picture of Maddie and me placed in between the pages.

I gasped, my shaking hand instantly went up to my mouth in shock of what was in front of my eyes. “Oh my God,” I whispered to myself.

My eyes immediately filled with more tears. There was no controlling them from pouring out of me like a stream running down a mountain side. Cascading along my cheeks to the magazines below. Shedding every last tear I had pent up since the day I woke up in that hospital bed.

I never got see what she looked like.

I never got to hold her.

I never got to feel her skin against mine.

But I did…

She was laying on my chest with her tiny little face turned toward the camera. And what looked like Creed’s tattooed hand holding her securely in place. Both our eyes were closed as if we were just sleeping. Peaceful as one. She looked exactly how Noah described her for me. My finger unconsciously started to trace her little button nose and tiny fingers that were lying on my chest next to her face.

She was so precious, so delicate, so beautiful. My heart ached from how full of love it was for this baby girl. Meeting her for the first time through this picture. Wanting to touch her, feel her, love her unconditionally, but I couldn’t because she was gone. All I had left were the memories of being pregnant, feeling her inside of me, and now… this photo.

Portraying a mother and daughter content in each other's arms.

“I’m so sorry, Maddie. I love and miss you so much,” I wept, mourning the loss of my baby girl and all that could have been. Staring at my precious daughter, smiling through my despair.

And then, out of nowhere, I suddenly felt him in the room like I had at prom.

“Pippin?”

With every last emotion, feeling, sentiment, memory pouring out of me, I peered up and looked him in the eyes. Knowing he already knew the truth because he had always felt me, too.

Our connection was alive and thriving all around us as if my memory was never gone to begin with. Right along with our love and the all the years of turmoil and passion, of lost times and heartache.

Of all the roads that led us to nowhere which finally would end here.

He visibly took a deep breath, murmuring, “How long Mia?” Gazing deep into my eyes, looking at his girl.

The one he never gave up hope would come back to him.

Me.  

A war was raging in his eyes, but for the first time since I woke up, it wasn’t for me because he knew I was already there.

With him.

His internal battle took place right in front of me like he wanted to hold me in his arms and never let me go. Except things were different now.

I was different.

And so was he.

We weren’t the same people we had been before, and I think that was what scared him more than anything. Maybe realizing that just because I was his.

Didn’t mean I still might not also be Noah’s.

The serious expression on his face captivated me in the same way it always had. Which only added to the plaguing emotions that were placed in between us.

“How long have you had your memory back?” he elaborated, yearning to know how long it had been since I remembered him and our love.

“Two months, give or take.”

He jerked back like I had hit him, and in a way, I probably had.

“It didn’t come back all at once,” I added, hoping it would calm him.

“How?”

I shook my head, not wanting him to know. It would hurt him too much.

“How?” he repeated in a stern tone I was more than familiar with. Fighting a battle I knew I wouldn’t win.

“Creed, please… it doesn’t—”

“Ain’t gonna ask you again, Mia.”

“Noah carried me onto his bike,” I simply stated, not wanting to go into more detail.  

He grimaced, didn’t even try to hide it. Proving my intuition right. I knew him just as much as he knew me. That was just the way we were and always had been.

“It was the first time I had been on it, I could never do it. Why do you think that is?”

“Cuz on my bike, I made you mine. Claimin’ you for the first time.”

“I—”  

“Did he fuck you on it, too?”

It was my turn to jerk back, even though I expected him to ask me that. It was why I didn’t want to tell him, but it still hurt to hear.

“I just wanna know what made ya remember me. Was it the fact that you were on another man’s bike when you only belong on the back of mine… or the fact that he made you come again when it shoulda been me? Simple question, Mia.”

“Yes and yes. That what you want to hear, Creed? Make you feel better that you know now?” I paused, letting my questions sink in. “But it was his words that really put things into perspective for me.”  

“And what were those?”

“That he claimed me and that I was his.”

“Are you, Pippin? Are you really his now? That what you came to tell me? Stab that knife a little deeper in my fuckin’ heart, watch me bleed out for you? Again.”

“I don't know why I'm here, okay? One minute I’m walking on the beach, the next I’m walking into this house... our house.”

“Is that right? Took you two goddamn months to find your way home? Did I not mean anythin’ to you?”

“That's not fair...”

“Life ain’t fuckin’ fair. Trust me, I would fuckin’ know.” He turned, breaking our connection. Running his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture, pacing the room.

I honestly didn’t know what to expect out of this, but that didn’t stop me from having to come here. Needing to tell him. Even if it hurt both of us.

Instead, I held up the photo of Maddie and me, needing my own answers. “And this?”

He glanced over, shifting his eyes from me to the photo. Contemplating what to say, “She was still alive when I laid her on your chest, Pippin. Needed ya to know just cuz you were knocked out, don’t mean you weren’t there.”

My lips trembled, taking in his words. Recalling all the times I told him I couldn’t wait to be the first person to hold her. Place her on my chest and tell her how much I loved her. How much I wanted her, waiting impatiently for this moment. The one where she was finally here, in my arms. With me.

“Thank you. Thank you so much for taking this. If it wasn’t for this picture, I wouldn’t ever know what she looked like,” I wept, looking at it once again.

I heard him walking toward me, stopping when we were about a foot apart. He crouched down in front of me, grabbing the stack of envelopes on my lap. “You found my letters.”

I nodded, locking eyes with him again.

“I was gonna give them to you the first night we slept in our bed. Here, in our new home. The place I made perfect for you. For us. I wanted all of this to be a surprise,” he shared, opening his arms, gesturing around the room. “Every time I came back from the safe house… I’d spend a few hours here wit’ Ma. She helped me buy everythin’, put it together. Waitin’ for furniture to be delivered when I couldn’t be here. You were always wit’ me, Mia. No matter where I went, where I’ve gone, what I’ve seen and what I’ve done… you have never not been wit’ me. You’ve always been my home.”

“I know,” I murmured loud enough for him to hear. 

“What happens now?”

“I honestly don’t know. I came here because I couldn’t ignore it any longer. Never expecting any of this, though.”

“Then what, huh? You leave? Go back to him? That how this works?”

“How long have you lived here, Creed? Has it been this entire time?” I questioned, needing to know.

He shook his head no. “After…” His face fell, taking a deep breath. Holding his head in between his hands. “I couldn’t after what happened. It was all set—

the house, the nursery, all of it. For you. The last time I stepped foot in this place was when I left that photo in the magazine. Hadn’t been back until a few months ago. I needed to move on, but I couldn’t sell this house. I didn’t even wanna.”

My hand subconsciously went through his hair, wanting to comfort him any way I could. He leaned into my embrace, placing his cheek on my lap as I continued to softly caress him.

“I still don’t know what to do wit’ this room. Ain’t ever been in here till now,” he breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper.

He stirred beneath my touch, peering up at me. Searching my face for I don’t know what before suddenly wrapping his arms around my waist. Bringing me down to the ground with him. Setting me down on his lap, holding me as close as he could to his heart. I willingly went, wanting, needing to feel his arms around me, too. The strong arms that enveloped me, protected me, and carried me countless times.

The same arms that used to push me away and let me go.

“I fuckin’ love you, Mia. I fuckin’ love you so much,” he spoke, his voice breaking. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m so fuckin’ sorry. Please tell me you know that… I would never—”

I looked up, placing my fingers against his lips. “I know, Creed. I knew that even when I didn’t remember you. No doubt that you loved her. Did everything you could for her when I couldn’t.”

The look on his face would have brought me to my knees, had I not already been on the floor with him.

He placed his hands on the sides of my face, bringing me closer to him, but not nearly close enough. “I can’t lose you again, baby. I just got ya back. Tell me you’re here for me. Tell me you choose me. Please…”

My heart was breaking right along with his. Piece by piece fell to the floor between us, knowing it would never be whole again. “He loves me, and I love—”

“You may love him, Pippin, but you’re not in love wit’ me. You’ve been in love wit’ me for most of your life. I own you, babe. You know it as much as I do. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. Why you doin’ this to me? Us, Mia.”

My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere and all at once. His scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his hands. 

“Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t wish it were me who held you in their arms. Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you right now, yeah? Touch you, take you to our bed and make sweet fuckin’ love to all night long, until there isn’t an inch of your skin I haven’t kissed, licked, or touched. Tell me you don’t feel me,” he whimpered, placing his hand over my heart, “here.”

“Creed,” I whispered in a voice I didn’t recognize. Trying to reel in my feelings, hide the fact that he still had an effect on me. After all this time.

“Tell me any of that, and I swear I’ll leave you alone, cuz at the end of the day… All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and if that’s not wit’ me, then at least I have the memory of the love of my fuckin’ life.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his hands up to frame my face again. “Say the words, babe,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm.

His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. The smell of cigarettes and mint took over my senses. As if he was testing me, he licked his lips slowly, provoking me.

Proving that he was right.

I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit, and I knew he could see it in my gaze.

He knew me.

“Creed,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please…”

“Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he was hanging on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.

“Please… let me go. I’m not the same girl you hold so dear to your heart. I may remember now, but that doesn’t change the fact that the girl you claimed… died a little at that house in the woods. And not even your touch, your love, your faith can bring her back. I’m just so confused. A part of me wants to jump right into your arms and tell you to never let me go. Your Pippin. The other part, the girl fighting the waves trying to stay afloat, tells me to turn left, right into Noah’s embrace. It’s like a train wreck waiting to happen. Both sets of tracks cross, coming together at some point, colliding with my heart. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. I can’t do this to Noah, not like this. He’s been nothing but there for me while you’ve been… gone.”

“Baby, you know why I was gone. Woulda never left you if I didn’t have to.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s been here. With me. Throughout everything my mind has gone through. And I do love him, Creed. It may not be as powerful or as strong as my feelings for you… but it’s there. Inside of me. You both are. You have my past, and he has my present. I’m just so confused on who has my future.”   

He nodded, shuddering like a bucket of cold water had been poured down his body, never expecting me to say that. His hands instantly dropped, releasing my face. He stood, looking down at me with glossy eyes, struggling to step away. To walk away from the love we once shared. Making me feel the loss of his warmth, his love, his everything.

The damage was already done, and the look on his face made me question what I just did.

I stood, going right for him, but he backed away as if my touch would burn him. “Creed…

“I can’t do this wit’ ya anymore. It’s fuckin’ killin’ me.”

I forced back the tears that wanted to escape, feeling like I was dying right along with him.

“I love you more than anythin’ in this world, Pippin.”

Tears streamed down my face, so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Trying so hard to keep them at bay. I wiped away the tears from my face feeling like he’d just ripped out my heart and stomped all over it. I couldn’t fucking breathe.

I nodded, unable to form words, but it didn’t matter because there was nothing left to say. We said everything that mattered. I turned to leave, but he instantly grabbed my hand, pulling me back into his arms. Finding myself sobbing against his chest, soaking his white cotton shirt with nothing but my insecurities as his strong arms wrapped around me. I felt him cry, too.

“Jesus Christ, you’re my everythin’. You’ll always be my everythin’. The little girl who fuckin’ saved me from myself more times than I count. The same one who made me realize what love was, what havin’ the love of a good woman felt like. I never deserved you, baby, but God, I don’t fuckin’ care. Please…” he begged in a tone I had never heard from him before.

“I love you, too, Creed, and I always will,” I cried as he held me tighter, knowing he needed to hear me say those words. He’d been waiting for the last year and a half to hear.

I stayed there in his arms, both of us knowing this might truly be our end. Our final goodbye. I pulled away first, and he wiped away all my tears, kissing along my face for the last time. Battling not to kiss me on my lips. I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking. His arms fell to his sides, releasing me. Leaving me completely empty as I made my way toward the door, trying like hell not to look back at his broken expression.

“Pippin,” he called out as I walked out the door.

I stopped, waiting on pins and needles for what he was going to say.

“I’ve been wishin’ for you all my fuckin’ life.”

His words were too much. I needed to escape, run away, and get out of the house before all my walls caved. Our house that was supposed to be nothing but happy times.

“I’m sorry,” I said one last time. And left.

Even though…

It nearly killed me.