MIA

 

“Happy birthday, dear Mia, happy birthday to you.” Everyone finished singing, clapping their hands, hooting and hollering.

“Blow out your candles, baby girl,” Dad said, swiping my hair back. Nodding toward my chocolate, surfer-themed cake. Complete with a girl riding a pink board like mine that Momma had specially made for my tenth birthday.

Shutting my eyes as tight as I could, I bit my bottom lip, placing my hands in prayer gesture out in front of me, concentrating really hard. Focusing all my efforts on my birthday wish, I blew out all the candles in front of my family, silently hoping it would come true.

“What did you wish for?” Aunt Lily asked.

“If I tell you, then it won’t come true, and I really want it to come true.” I blushed just thinking about it.

I opened my presents next while everyone ate a slice of cake on the back patio. My favorite present was the guitar Aunt Lily got me. She had been teaching me how to play for the last few years, and I was getting pretty good.

I told my parents I didn’t want a birthday party, but Momma wasn’t having that. She said it was my first birthday in the double digits, and we needed to celebrate. I just think it was another excuse for her to throw a party. She loved to entertain. If it were up to me, we would have just had my family over for a barbecue, but instead, our backyard was decked out with pink balloons, streamers, and a giant bouncy house.

I didn’t have a lot of friends, but it never bothered me since I had so many cousins. Our ages were scattered all over the place, but that never mattered, we got along just fine. We were all born and raised together in Oak Island, just like our daddies and my momma, who were all best friends since they were in diapers. Everyone called them the Good Ol’ Boys with their Half-Pint, my momma, following them around like she was a boy too. Looking at her now, I would never have guessed she wanted to be a boy.

My daddy and Aunt Lily were brother and sister. She was married to one of the boys, Uncle Jacob. They had two kids, Riley and Christian. Aunt Lily always told me that Daddy didn’t like that Uncle Jacob fell in love with his baby sister. They kept their love a secret for a long time and when Daddy found out he was with Aunt Lily, he beat him up. Uncle Jacob says he let him win, but Daddy says he’s just a pansy-ass lawyer who was just trying to save face, whatever that meant.

Uncle Dylan, another one of the boys, was married to Aunt Aubrey. He reminded me of a superhero, always carrying a gun and a badge, putting bad people behind bars. They had two daughters, Giselle and a newborn baby named Constance. Everyone says God blessed him with girls as punishment for being such a womanizing asshole. I don’t know what that means either, but Momma says I’m not allowed to repeat that.

My brother Mason started dating Giselle, they had been boyfriend and girlfriend forever, and I really loved her. I caught them kissing in Mason’s room a few times, but didn’t tell on him because I’m not a snitch. I just made him take me places with him for a week to keep my lips sealed. Of course, he did.

Uncle Austin was the last good ol’ boy. He was covered in tattoos just like Creed was, and he owned a local tattoo shop. His girlfriend was Briggs, who had bright purple hair and tattoos all over her body too. They were getting to know each other again. I guess Uncle Austin did some bad things, but he’s better now and trying to win her back. I had a feeling he would. My daddy wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could dye my hair my favorite color, bright pink. He looked at me like I had grown two heads, before saying no. When I told him I wanted to get my pink surfboard tattooed on my foot, he said not while he’s alive and breathing.

Daddy didn’t let me do anything.

Ever.

I didn’t care that some of my cousins weren’t blood-related, they were the only family I’d ever known. I loved each of them with all my heart.

“Daddy, can I go to the Southport Fourth of July festival with Mason next month?” I asked while helping Momma clean up after everyone had left.

“Mia, I already told you no,” he replied, not looking up from the blueprint in front of him on the kitchen counter.

My daddy owned his own construction company and was the best damn contractor in the tri-state area. His words, not mine.

“Yeah, but I asked you when I was nine. Newsflash, I’m ten now.”

“The answer is still no, Mia, and watch that lip, young lady.”

“Why? It’s not fair! You said Bo could go with Mason if he wanted. Last I checked, Bo is only two years older than I am,” I argued, throwing the dishes into the sink a little harder than I should have.

“That’s different,” Dad simply stated, still focused on work.

“Why, because he has a wiener?”

“Mia Ryder! You cannot say stuff like that!” Momma shouted, walking back into the kitchen.

I could hear Mason and Bo laughing their butts off over the movie they were watching from the living room. I rolled my eyes, frustrated.

Daddy sighed, dropping his pencil, and finally looking up from his paperwork. “Mason! Bo! How many times do I have to tell you to stop talking like that around your baby sister!”

“I’m not a baby!” I yelled, stomping my foot.

Mason came strolling into the room, his hair all messy from Giselle scratching his head on the couch. “Dad, she’s like a fuc—damn parrot.” He caught himself. “Most of the time I don’t even realize she’s around until it’s too late.” He opened the fridge, grabbing the jug of milk and started drinking right from the carton.

“Mason Ryder! Where are your manners, boy?” Momma reprimanded.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Did you want some?” He held up the carton to her. She gave him a look that had him putting it right back in the fridge.

“Daddy, I could have said the word dick like he does, but I used wiener instead because I’m a lady.”

Mason busted out laughing, quickly clearing his throat when Daddy gave him a stern look.

“And this is exactly why you’re not going to the festival with Mason and his foul-mouthed friends,” he justified.

“Lucas...” Momma coaxed.

“Half-Pint, don’t start. My baby girl—”

“Our baby girl,” she interrupted. Looking over at him as she loaded the dishwasher.

“I’m. Not. A. Baby!” I repeated much louder that time. Smacking my hand on the counter, needing to have my voice heard. “It’s not fair, Daddy. You know all you are doing is pushing me away. I’m gonna start doing things without asking you first because you never let me do anything. I’m not always going to be your baby girl.”

He cocked his head to the side. “Is that right?”

“Yes. That’s right.” I knew I was pushing his buttons, I knew I was crossing the line. I knew I was going to get in trouble…

I just didn’t care anymore.

“Mia, go to your room,” Momma ordered, looking from Daddy to me. Not only punishing me but saving me from my daddy’s wrath.

“Dad, she can come with me,” Mason chimed in. “I’ll make sure everyone is on their best behavior.”

My heart soared. Mason never stuck up for me before. That alone meant everything to me.

I smiled at him.

“Your mom and I will be out of town during the festival. Mia is staying with Lily and Jacob. She won’t—”

“I don’t want—”

“Time out!” Momma interrupted all of us. “Everyone out!”

“But—”

“Mia. Now!” Dad roared, bringing my attention back to him.

“Fine,” I mumbled under my breath, turning to leave the room. Resisting the urge to slam my door once I walked into my bedroom.

I grabbed my notebook off my desk and made my way through the double doors out onto my balcony that overlooked the water. I spent the next few hours sitting in my lounger under the moon, listening to the soft lull of the waves crashing into the shore, welcoming the salty breeze coming off the ocean. The water always had a way of calming me, no matter what I was feeling or going through. It was my happy place, my own piece of Heaven, my escape. I should have been in bed sleeping like everyone else in my house, but it was summer break and I didn’t have a bedtime. I was a night owl anyway, always had been.

I scribbled thoughts, lyrics, and doodles in my notebook for I don’t know how long, finding myself writing Creed’s name in bubble letters and practicing my cursive, over and over again. Surrounding his name with pink hearts on every page. Suddenly realizing I had my first crush.

I snuggled into my throw blanket, looking up at the stars, wondering if my birthday wish would magically come true. Wishing again that it would. I yawned, my eyes growing tired from the long day I’d had. I was about to go inside and go to bed when my window shook from Mason’s bedroom door shutting. His room was next door to mine, and I could hear everything.

He must have just gotten home.

I picked up my notebook, looking back out at the water one last time when I saw him. He was walking away from my house toward the ocean, wearing the same vest he had on the last time I saw him. I immediately wondered if he was wearing the courage patch I gave him a few months ago. I giggled at the sight of him wearing his combat boots on the sand. He stopped at the shoreline, looking up at the sky, placing his hands in the pockets of his black jeans. He looked as huge and stocky as I remembered. Maybe even bigger.

Before I gave it a second thought, I ran into my room, grabbing my backpack and digging around in it. Grabbing what I was looking for, and my throw off my bed. It was chilly out on the water. I slipped out of my bedroom quietly, being extra careful not to wake anyone. I’d be in big trouble if my daddy woke since I wasn’t allowed to leave the house by myself after dark. In my defense, I wasn’t going to be alone, Creed was on the beach. I snuck out the back patio doors, closing them gently behind me. Walking down the steps onto our private piece of beach. No one would be able to see us without trespassing. He had to have come in with Mason.

“My wish came true!” I shouted over the noise of the waves.

“Ain’t it past your bedtime?” he coldly said, not turning around to face me.

“Didn’t you hear me?” I asked, wrapping the throw around my shoulders. “My wish came true, you’re here.”

He abruptly turned, narrowing his eyes at me. Taken back by my confession.

I continued on, “It was my birthday today, well yesterday seeing that it’s after midnight. Anyway, before I blew my candles out, I got to make one wish. I closed my eyes tight, wishing I would see you again, and here you are.”

“Shouldn’t be wishin’ for me, Pippin,” he stated, turning his attention back to the water.

“Pippin?”

He suddenly turned back around, reached over, and tugged on the end of one of my braided pigtails.

“Oh! Like Pippy Longstocking! She was like Peter Pan for girls. Never wanting to grow up. She's kinda my idol, a playful, unpredictable, superhuman. A freak of nature like I am on a surfboard. And she had a rad pet monkey, Mr. Nilsson.”

He nodded, still looking broody. I wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to see him laugh and smile like he did at the beach. For some reason, I felt as if he didn’t do that very often. His eyes were still so sad, and I wanted to know why so badly. My momma always said I had the ability to make people happy. That there was something about my spunky personality that made people like me. I wanted Creed to like me more than anyone else ever had.

I spoke honestly, “But if I wouldn’t have made that wish, I wouldn’t be able to give this to you.” I stepped forward, handing him another patch for his vest. “I saw it at a little shop in town when my momma and I were shopping a few weeks back. When she was in the dressing room, I grabbed it and bought it with my allowance. It reminded me of you.”

He took it from me, murmuring, “Don’t follow me. I’m lost too,” he chuckled as he read it out loud. “Not lost, Pippin. Just haven’t been found yet,” he paused, looking down at the patch in his hand. “Thank you for this.” A small smile played on his lips as he reached into his pocket, pulling something out. “I found this on the sidewalk today.” He handed me a shiny penny. “Consider it my birthday present to ya.”

I gave him a questioning glare. “Thank you… it’s what I’ve always wanted,” I sarcastically stated.

“No, smartass, the penny isn’t the gift. The wish is. Do me a favor, yeah? Don’t waste anymore wishes on me.” With that he turned and walked away, leaving me alone and confused.

“But I already made—”

“Givin’ you a do-over, Pippin. You’ll thank me later,” he called out over his shoulder.

I turned back toward the water, looking down at the penny in my open hand. Closing my fingers around it, placing it over my heart.

I didn’t need a do-over. My first wish was perfect. My second wish to see him again.

Would be too.

CREED

“Creed… Creed… Creed… please help me… if you ever loved me… find me… please help me… I’m scared, Creed… I’m so scared…” Luke pleaded from a distance.

His voice sounded so far, yet so close. It echoed all around me, making it difficult to tell what direction it was coming from. Humming into the trees like the melody of an instrumental song, vibrating deep into my bones. I turned in a circle, whipping my head from north to south, east to west. Raking my hands through my hair, breathing profusely. Before I knew it, I ran. I ran as fast as I could through the endless woods with no direction whatsoever.

“Right here.” I saw a figure out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned it was gone. “Run… run, faster, Creed! Help me!”

Every turn I took was the wrong one, always coming to a dead end. His pleas getting further and further away with each step I took. Pulling him into the black hole of the night.

The roads led me to nowhere.

“Creed… Creed… please help me… if you ever loved me… find me… please help me… I’m scared, Creed… I’m so scared…” Luke’s voice repeated in a mantra, a never-ending cycle of nothing.

“Luke! Luke! Where are you? I’m comin’, buddy. Where are you?” I yelled out into the dark night.

But it didn’t echo, it didn’t hum, there was no sound coming out of my mouth. Why couldn’t I talk? Why couldn’t he hear me? There was so much dense fog, so much fucking haze that suddenly rolled in, smothering me. Choking me. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t move. Was I running in place? My heart pounded against my chest, in my ears, through my mind, caving into my core.

I couldn’t breathe.

I was suffocating.

“Creed… Creed… please help me… if you ever loved me… you would find me… please help me… I’m scared, Creed… I’m so scared…”

The train horn sounded, snapping my attention back. The rumbling on the tracks piercing my ears, as one by one, the cars rolled by. Circling all around me with no end in sight. Glimpses of my brother flashed through the gaps. Covered in blood, standing there with his hand over his chest, waiting.

“Creed… Creed… Creed… please help me… if you ever loved me… you would find me… please help me… I’m scared, Creed… I’m so scared…” His voice sounded closer and then further away with each word that droned out.

“Tell me where you are! Please, Luke! Just tell me where you are!” I placed my hands over my ears, trying to shut out the noises from the train, but they were just getting louder and louder and louder until all I could hear was a train and nothing else.

My mind spun.

My heart raced.

My body surrendered.

I fell to my knees, looking down at my blood-soaked hands; the Glock lay in between them.

“Creed… Creed… Creed… please help me… if you ever loved me… you would find me… please help me… I’m scared, Creed… I’m so scared…”

“I’m so sorry, Luke! I’m so fucking sorry!” I bawled uncontrollably. Lifting the gun up to my chin.

“Creed! Creed! It’s okay! Wake up! It’s okay!” Autumn’s sweet voice coaxed, merging in with all the harshness. “Shhh… it’s okay… I’m here, Creed! I’m here!”

I didn’t hesitate. I never do.

I pulled the trigger.

BANG.

I shot straight up in my bed, gasping for air. Panting for my next breath, staring out in front of me. Sweat dripped from my pores, running down the sides of my face. I didn’t move, trying to rationalize what was real and what was still a dream.

A fucking nightmare.

“Creed…” Autumn sympathized, reaching for my face.

I caught her wrist midair. “Don’t,” I crudely demanded, shoving her arm away.

It was the same dream I had every time I allowed myself to fall into a deep sleep. A moment of weakness my demons fed on. Regaining my composure, I abruptly stood before she could say anything else. I went out onto the back porch, letting the door shut behind me. Needing some fresh air. A goddamn minute to myself.

Something.

Anything.

Other than what I was fucking feeling.

I lit up a cigarette, taking in a deep drag. Letting the smoke linger in my mouth, trying to clear out the haze in my mind. The backdoor opened and then closed. I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. After I drove a drunk-ass Mason home last night, I called Autumn to come pick me up from his house. We were hanging out at the clubhouse with some brothers, shooting the shit, throwing back beers like they were fucking water. We were both pretty fucked up, but out of the two of us, I was the more sober one. I wasn’t going to let him get behind the wheel in his state, so I drove his truck home for him.

Never thinking that Mia would come running out in the middle of the night to hand me another patch. Telling me her birthday wish to see me again came true. I hadn’t seen her since the first time I met her on the beach, months ago. She was a sweet, innocent, little girl. I should have left it alone, but the last thing she needed was to be thinking about me, let alone making fucking wishes to see me again. I was nine years older than her.

By the time we got back to my place, it was close to two in the morning. There was no way in hell I was going to let Autumn drive back home, alone. She just ended up crashing in my bed with me. It was never a big deal. We’d been sharing a bed since we were kids. The only difference was that now we weren’t fucking kids anymore, and she had the tits and ass to make my cock hard. Most likely giving her a morning wood surprise, but I didn’t give a fuck.

I never thought of her as more than my best friend, even though our mothers wanted nothing more than for us to end up together. Sure, she was fucking beautiful, but her friendship meant more to me than her pussy. She deserved more than just being a piece of ass. And right now, that was the furthest thing from my mind.  

“Those things are going to kill you,” Autumn stated from behind me. The worry in her voice seared a hole in my heart.

“Well, lucky for me I’m already dying inside.”

She knew all the shit I went through in my life. I confided in her often without worrying about being judged for my imperfections. For my fucking sins. No matter what I told her, I never feared she would walk away, or turn her back on me. There were times when I didn’t have to say one fucking word, just listening to her breathe on the other end of the phone brought a sense of calm over me. Autumn was the only person that knew the truth about that night, about what I had done. I needed to tell someone the truth, needing to be honest about the whole thing.

My parents lied to everyone, saying Luke had accidentally shot himself. No one asked questions because what could you possibly say to that? Pops paid off the coroner, obtaining all the legitimate documents they needed, making it look like it was all an unfortunate accident. Telling everyone we had a private funeral for him with immediate family only, deciding to cremate him so they could always carry his ashes with them. He even went as far as posting an obituary in the local paper, keeping up the false pretenses of portraying the grieving loving father to the son I killed.

“Y-y-you alright?” she nervously stuttered when I remained silent. Taking a deep, reassuring breath, she walked over, leaning her back up against the railing of the patio, to face me. “How often does that happen? You know, the nightmares?”

I glanced over at her. “Who said they fuckin’ stop?”

Her eyes widened. She reached out to place a hand on my shoulder. “Oh… Creed, I’m so—”

“Don’t need your fuckin’ pity, Autumn.”  

“You think I pity you? I care about you. I hate that you blame yourself for Luke’s death. When are you going to realize it was an accident? You didn’t mean—”

“Enough!” I pushed past her, taking another drag of my cigarette. Heading over to the seating area around the fire pit.

“Will you at least tell me what it was about? Your nightmare?” She walked up behind me. “It might help to talk about it. You can’t keep that shit bottled up, Creed. I’m here for you. I have been for years, so stop trying to shut me out. Let me help you.”

“Ain’t gonna bring him back,” I stated, letting the smoke seep out of my mouth as I spoke. I sat on one of the chairs, resting my elbows on my knees, holding my suddenly pounding head between my hands. 

She sat next to me, grabbing my arm away from my face. “Tell me anyway.”

I shook my head, scoffing out, “It’s always the same goddamn dream. Hearin’ Luke’s voice in the woods. Beggin’, pleadin’ with me to come find him. Sayin’ he’s scared. Tellin’ me if I ever loved him, I’d be able to find him.”

She jerked back, surprised with my revelation.

“Can’t find him, though. Never can. It’s like I’m runnin’ in circles, like one of them fuckin’ hamsters on a spinnin’ wheel. Then, out of nowhere, I’m at the train tracks over on McMullen. Except the train is spinnin’ in circles around me. I see flashes of Luke through the cars. Again, pleadin’ for me to come find him even though he’s standin’ right in front of me. It’s not him. He’s covered in blood. Holdin’ the bullet wound over his heart.”

“Jesus, Creed…”

I didn’t hesitate. If she wanted to know exactly what I was going through, then I was going to tell her everything. “Always ends with me fallin’ onto my knees in pain. My hands covered in blood, holdin’ onto to the Glock. Just can’t take anymore,” I confessed for the first time, pausing to let my words sink in.

Her eyes filled with tears, knowing where my truths would lead.

“Luke’s beggin’, the sounds of the train, my conscience… I take the gun and aim it under my chin…” I peered deep into her eyes, stating, “Don’t fuckin’ hesitate to pull the trigger.”

Tears fell down her pretty little face onto the pavers.

“Don’t waste your tears on me, Autumn,” I rasped, wiping one away. “Don’t deserve them.”

“It’s obvious what you think you deserve, Creed.” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.

“Said you wanted to know. There ya go. Welcome to my fuckin’ world.”

“It was an accident. You love your brother more than anything in this world. I have seen it firsthand, Creed. I still see it every damn day. The way you still take care of Noah, even more so now than before. While your father doesn’t have a care in the world besides that club, and your mother drowns herself in vodka, what do you do? Huh?”

I shook my head, not wanting to hear any more of this.

“You practically kill yourself every day, doing God knows what for that club. A club you don’t even like or want to be a part of. Listening to every order your father barks at you. Doing everything he demands without so much of a blink of an eye. Who you doing that for?  Sure as hell isn’t for you. What happened was a terrible accident. I can’t imagine what you’re going through even after all these months. But you can’t keep blaming yourself because you don’t deserve that. Do you understand me? You don’t fucking deserve it.”

“Drive me over to get my bike, yeah? I’ll buy you breakfast for not bitchin’ about my cold ass room.” I changed the subject.

She sighed, nodding even though she wanted to say so much more. I was tired of hearing her run her mouth. Nothing she could say would make it right, all it did was remind me how shitty my life really was. She definitely couldn’t bring Luke back. I loved Autumn, I knew she meant well, but sometimes she didn’t know when to just shut the fuck up.

I spent the next couple of days making runs for the club, driving for hours and getting home later than usual. I hadn’t seen or talked to Autumn since that morning at breakfast, but it wasn’t from the lack of trying. I’m sure she thought I was purposely avoiding her since I hadn’t reached out. I was just too goddamn busy.

I walked into my house just after midnight, ready to crash for the night. I was fucking exhausted from dealing with bullshit all day, and all I wanted to do was fall on my bed and pass the fuck out. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and even when I did, I woke up from the same recurring nightmare. My house was dark and quiet when I walked in. Laying my keys on the table, I walked into the dining room, shocked when I didn’t find my mother passed out at the table. The empty bottles that usually littered the room were gone. As I made my way to my room, I noticed the light shining under my door, and out into the dark hallway.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised when I opened my door to find Autumn sitting on my bed, waiting for me.

“Hey, I put your mom to bed. I made Noah some dinner and played video games with him all night. I came in here when I heard your bike pull up,” she divulged as I closed the door behind me. “I don’t want to fight anymore,” she added, surrendering her hands.

“Wasn’t aware we were fightin’.” I walked over to the closet, kicking off my boots, and grabbing a fresh shirt from the hanger.  

She smiled, her anxiety lessening. “I have something for you.” She stood, walking over to me. Placing a white jewelry box in my hand.

I cocked an eyebrow, confused by the turn of events.

“I think this will help with your nightmares. I know you’re struggling to stay above the surface, Creed. I know you feel all this guilt and remorse for what happened to Luke, but I know in my heart, you were his favorite person. Exactly how you are Noah’s,” she paused, letting her words sink in. “I know it’s going to take time for you to find peace, but I’m hoping maybe this will help.” She nodded toward the jewelry box in my hands. “Open it.”

I did, pulling off the lid. Finding a picture of Luke staring back at me engraved in a dog tag. It hung off a silver chain that was fastened in the box. Autumn took the necklace out, turning it over for me to read the engraving.

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal,” she recited out loud to me. “I read that somewhere and it always stuck with me. I wasn’t sure why, until now.”

We locked eyes as she placed the dog tag over my heart. “Time heals all wounds, but your memory of Luke is forever. No one can steal that from you, do you hear me? Even though he is gone, he will always be with you here.” She patted my heart, looking up at me through her lashes.

What happened next nearly dropped me on my fucking ass. She stood on the tips of her toes and shyly smiled, then leaned in and kissed my lips softly. Opening her mouth against mine, baiting me to move my lips in sync with hers.

I didn’t.


She continued trying. Nudging her nose with mine, looking up at me through her lashes. Pressing her perfect tits firmly against my chest. She smelled so fucking good.

My cock twitched.

When she tenderly pecked my lips once again, this time running her tongue along my mouth, she moaned, a soft, sultry hum, luring me in. I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached up holding her pretty, little, freckled face between my hands. Gently kissing her back, my walls crumbling down around me. All reservations I had about us, breaking apart with it.

As fast as it happened, it was over and I pulled away, leaning my forehead on hers and whispering, “This doesn’t change anything, Autumn.”


She closed her eyes tight for a second, taking in what I said. The hurt evident on her face. I would remember the next words that came out of her mouth for the rest of my life.


She slowly opened her eyes again, looking deep into mine, and spoke with conviction, “He won’t rest in peace, Creed. Until you let him. It starts with you.”


This was just the start of the sudden shift in our friendship. Already knowing in my fucking gut…

 

That no good could come of this.