“You’re quite a swimmer,” said Evan.

Simon wasn’t sure how to respond. He wanted to give Evan the silent treatment, which wasn’t fair at all, but yesterday had been such a shock. It had been strange, spending the whole day in the department, talking to no one. So lonely. All so Evan could rush off on whatever exciting errand he’d had yesterday, an errand he steadfastly refused to talk about or even refer to.

Stop being a drama queen, he told himself. He had no claim on Evan, so he had no right to feel bad about Evan trashing this chance that his uncle had given him. And honestly, wasn’t it just that he’d planned to talk to Evan about his attraction yesterday, had been basically up all night thinking about it, only to have the chance snatched away from him?

I could tell him today. But how? How did you introduce a topic like that?

“You were just zipping through the water,” Evan continued.

Finally, Simon had to smile. “Well, you know, years of practice. Your family’s quarries have created about a thousand lakes in the area, so there was always somewhere to swim.”

“I never had much chance to do that,” Evan said. “My folks kept shipping me off to boarding schools. For years, I thought that meant they didn’t like me. Now, I wonder if they were just trying to protect me from Uncle Archie. But you, you’re a natural in the water.”

Oh god, stop it, Simon thought. He had to force himself to make eye contact. His instinct was to look away, to be shy, thinking about Evan seeing him in the water like that. “You really should come swim with me.”

“Pfft, you just want to show off your swimmer’s build, admit it, you vain thing.”

He couldn’t help it, he blushed deeply, so much that he could feel the warmth on his face. “I didn’t mean…that is, it’s perfectly natural, I mean--”

Evan collapsed in his chair, laughing. “Dude, it’s okay. Yes, I ought to go swimming with you. It’ll be another thing for you to be better at than me.”

Tell him. This is your chance. Tell him how you feel.

“So, yesterday, I was going to mention something to you,” Simon said.

“Oh, god, I’m so sorry about that,” Evan said. “Leaving you in the lurch like that. I promise, though, I didn’t really have a choice.”

“No, no, that part is fine,” Simon said, hoping not to get distracted from what he wanted to say. “I mean, just also promise it won’t happen again please.”

Evan looked hurt. It was that same look he’d given Simon in the subbasement, that I have a painful secret look. “Were you mad at me?”

Simon really didn’t want to talk about yesterday. If he didn’t tell Evan about his feelings now, he might not have the courage to do so later. But Evan clearly needed an answer to his question.

“No, don’t get me wrong. It had nothing to do with me being mad or anything.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

Come on, let me please get back to my subject.

“Remember,” Simon said, hoping this would put an end to it, “this job isn’t just about you getting your trust fund back. My job now is helping you out with this. If Archibald kicks you out, then there’s no room for me here anymore either.”

“I totally get that, Simon. Trust me, I don’t want you to be in any trouble on my account.”

“I know it’s selfish.”

“No, you need the job. I get it.”

“I hate to even mention it, but I need you to do a really good job learning the ropes here. And you’ve already done well.” Except for the fact that there’s something about your life you keep wanting to tell me, and yet you won’t say it, and it hurts a little bit that you don’t trust me.

But wasn’t he doing exactly the same thing? His secret, that he really liked Evan, that his feelings had only been growing since their first encounter, kept getting pushed further and further away in the conversation.

He had to pull it back. No more work talk. Time to be real with Evan.

“The other day,” he began, “we had this talk about boundaries and stuff.”

Evan’s phone rang. “Ignore it,” he said.

“We were…we were laying ground rules and stuff,” Simon continued, but the phone just kept going, insistently.

“Let it go to voicemail,” said Evan, but after a moment, it started ringing again, and he sighed and took it out. “Oh. Give me one second, okay Simon?”

Simon sat there with his mouth open, feeling like a fool. Don’t you realize where I was headed with this? Are you seriously going to take a call right now?

Evan’s face fell as he listened. “Again? She isn’t better yet? Oh god, yeah, you don’t want to catch that. Let me just ask, is there anybody else who could—no, no, I understand. No, it’s fine. Okay.”

“What was that?” asked Simon, when Evan put his phone away.

Evan looked at him guiltily. “I’m sorry, I have to go again.”

“No, seriously, you have to stay!”

“It’s just one more day.”

“Evan, come on! This is a real job! I know it doesn’t seem like it, I know it all seems like fake busy-work to punish you, but it’s really essential, and—”

Evan shook his head and tapped his phone. “This is essential too. It really is.”

“Fine, then. What is it? What’s this mystery errand that’s now going to take two days?”

Simon hated to hear that anger in his voice. I was going to tell you how much I want you, damn it!

Evan looked like he was about to speak. Then, stricken, he shook his head and turned away. “I’m really sorry,” he said, grabbing his coat.

Simon was aghast. His whole vision to the day was shattered. No telling Evan about his feelings. No happy sense of being together.

All so that Evan could run off and do what? He acted like it was so important, but Evan had no real duties in his life. What was it, some friend who had been broken up with, so he had to come over with kleenex and chocolates?

Or maybe it’s a secret boyfriend and you’re not supposed to know about it.

No. No, that couldn’t be it. Could it?

Whatever it was, Evan was so wrapped up in his irresponsibility, he couldn’t see the damage he was doing to his own life. One phone call from Archie, and their lives would be ruined. How could he risk that, for whatever this secret was?

That’s when Simon decided to follow him.

Okay, that’s a little stalkery, he thought. Definitely not what Good Responsible Simon should be doing.

Wasn’t it? If Evan was getting himself deep into trouble, the responsible thing to do would be to save him, right?

* * *

He felt like a spy. He’d stayed a safe distance back, unnoticed, until they’d reached a little suburban neighborhood, nicer than Simon’s, certainly, but not the lush mansions that Simon had expected. Part of him still thought Evan was going off to a party or something with his rich friends, that his big secret was that he wanted to dance and drink all day.

Instead, Evan pulled up at a little bungalow house, with its tiny green yard. All it lacked was a white picket fence, then it would have been a perfect vision of domesticity. Not at all the place one would expect Evan to visit.

As Simon watched from the sidewalk, a woman came out of the house. She was their age, dressed in a classy suit, though her feet were bare. She rushed over to Evan and hugged him, got up on her toes and kissed his cheek.

Simon’s blood froze. Time stopped. The whole world just halted, as he watched Evan hug the woman back.

Oh. So that’s what’s going on.

His heart was sinking. No, his whole body was. He was heavy and dull, being pulled to the center of the earth.

I didn’t realize, he thought. I thought for sure Evan was gay, like me. He has to be, right? What about the club? What about the way he…

But he couldn’t deny what he was seeing, Evan and the woman putting their heads together, talking, clearly at ease with one another, clearly comfortable.

Had the club been an aberration, then? Had all this talk of boundaries and ground rules really been a way for Evan to say No I’m not interested in you, Simon?

Had Simon misread absolutely everything?

The woman drew Evan inside.

Simon’s heart was in pieces already; it couldn’t possibly hurt worse to find out for sure. He found himself trudging toward the house.

It was going to be so awkward. He imagined the look of confusion and anger on Evan’s face, when he found out Simon had stalked him here. God, what if Evan was all understanding and sympathetic, sitting Simon down and explaining that Simon had misunderstood it all, that he had no feelings for Simon whatsoever, that everything he’d thought had been happening for days now, was just an illusion, just Simon’s own lonely wishful thinking?

He hurt so badly. He should just turn around now. Go back to work. Pretend nothing happened. When Evan came in tomorrow, Simon would be nice and normal, and would never broach the topic, ever again. They’d be coworkers, nothing more, and at the end of it, he would have discharged this duty he felt to help Leonard’s son, Evan would have his trust fund back, and the whole world could get back to the way it was, with Simon isolated and alone. Only this time, it would be worse, because he’d know exactly what he was missing out on.

He stepped up onto the porch and knocked on the door.