Reg was asleep, and so Maura had hustled Evan onto the back deck, where he sat freezing in one of her deck chairs. She sat next to him, huddled in her coat. “Couldn’t you pick a warmer night to have an emotional crisis?”

He’d left the office, furious, with an anger that threatened to absolutely consume him. But he hadn’t left before throwing files to the floor, stacks of folders, papers, the phone on his desk, everything. Fucking nonsense papers. Worthless records, as though anything people did with their lives was worth recording.

It wasn’t Simon he was mad at. He was just clear-headed enough to realize that. His fury was at his own life. His stupidity, letting himself become such a fucking waster that life could set him up for a fall like this. His own fault. All of this was his fault. If he’d never agreed to become a donor for Maura, if he’d never gotten so depressed about his family that he’d started blowing his trust fund on empty pleasure, if he’d been anything other than a rich drunken idiot for his entire adult life…things could be different.

But they weren’t.

“What’s the difference between self-hate and self-pity?” he asked Maura. “I’m feeling one or the other. I hope it’s pity, because I need even more reason to find myself ridiculous.”

She rubbed his shoulder. “I’m pretty sure it’s self-pity. But you’re allowed. That must have been really hard, today.”

“I tried, is the thing. Maybe that’s my mistake. I never try. I always go ahead and fail in advance, so nobody can be let down by me. But this time, I tried to be good. I tried to do the right thing and save everybody. Save you, save Reg, save Evan. It all fucking blew up in my face.”

“Well, you did save us all, from the sound of it. Evan still has a job, doesn’t he? And you’re still in line for the trust—”

“Maybe. I mean, there’s still this fucking presentation. It’s a damn joke at this point. Why are they making me go through with it? Archie just wants me to grovel in front of everybody. Oh, I was so wrong to date Simon, I was so wrong to do anything not officially approved by The Crays.”

“Okay, yeah, that sucks, but we all have to do things we hate in life, Evan. Jesus, if you hadn’t just broken up with your boyfriend, I’d be sitting here telling you about how my job sucks.”

“Your job isn’t making you give up a boyfriend.”

Her eyes narrowed. “My job makes me miss seeing Reg for hours and hours a day.”

“Yeah, well…maybe if I get the trust worked out, you won’t have to have a job anymore.”

“Evan, that’s sweet, but you’re missing the point. Everybody sacrifices. Now, they don’t necessarily have to sacrifice their boyfriends, that’s true. Honestly, why did you rush right over to him to break up? Why didn’t you take a day? Or really talk to him about it? That was pretty rash.”

“I know. I didn’t know what to do, where to go… My uncle is like this big bloated spider, sitting right over my head. I’m scared of him, Maura. I’m scared of what he could do to Simon. You see that, don’t you? I didn’t break up with Simon because I wanted to. I did it to protect him.”

“Why don’t you just get a lawyer?” she asked. “Sue his ass. Is he even allowed to withhold your money like this?”

“Any lawyer I could get, Archie has a dozen better ones. You think I haven’t thought about that?”

“So you’re just going to roll over? That’s not like you.”

“Jesus, you’re as bad as Simon. I’m not rolling over. I’m playing by the rules, and the rules say, I can’t have everything I want in life. I can’t give Reg the life he needs, and have a boyfriend. Who did you think I was going to pick?”

She reached out and took his hand, and gave it a squeeze. Suddenly Evan remembered dinner the other night, when Simon had done the same, reaching across the table for him.

Simon, that look on his face like he wanted so badly to help. The worry in his eyes, that maybe something was going on he couldn’t help with, something they were all helpless before.

Why couldn’t I figure out a way to keep you? Why am I so stupid, so slow?

“I’m going to be a good boy. I’m going to work, I’m going to make money, and at least you’ll be taken care of.”

“Oh Christ, Evan, don’t be a martyr on my account. Being a single mom isn’t some tragic fate, it’s what I chose. I knew I’d have to work. Not for one moment did I expect you to give me a dime. You’ve done enough. You gave us a house. There’s a roof over our heads, and I’m bringing in enough to keep us comfortable. We don’t need your help…or your martyrdom.”

He squeezed her hand back, then stood up. “That’s kind of you to say, but even if you won’t let me claim him for all the world to know, Reg is my flesh and blood. I’m going into work tomorrow, and giving the best presentation of my life, and once I’ve got my money back, I’m socking it away, putting in safe, safe places, so I’ll never risk your future again.”

It was a brave-sounding speech, but ultimately hollow.

I hurt Simon so badly. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to make it right.

Walking out into the night, he thought about his dad, found himself talking to him. You would’ve been so happy to know I was going out with Simon. You liked him so much. He was like a second son to you. I feel like I failed you, too, by hurting him. But you respected him so much, and I might be able to save his job by breaking up with him…

…oh, Dad, I wish you were here. I need someone smart, I need someone who understands this stuff, who can think through these problems. This is like one of your inventions, isn’t it? It’s a crazy puzzle, and if I’d just worked at it long enough, maybe inspiration would strike, and I’d see how to solve it all.

I wish I’d paid more attention to you when you were alive. I wish I’d learned something.

I hurt him so badly, Dad. He didn’t deserve it.

I love him…but I don’t know what to do.