Oliver
I can’t move.
I’m frozen.
She looks at me for confirmation; did I hear what she just said?
I think I growl and nod. I’m pretty sure I do.
Do I want to run?
I want to run.
I’m not going to run.
Thirty seconds.
Thirty seconds is all it took for her to spin me back out of control. Spin me back into a web of uncertainty.
Julie.
My Julie.
You better calm the fuck down before you screw it all up.
I blow out a loud breath. I can’t believe this shit. I knew the one time that I’d break my own damn rules, it would be nuclear. This shit hurts; it isn’t right that I have to hurt so bad when all I want to do is love her. I can’t break any more rules; I won’t survive if I do.
She blinks at me, frustrated that I haven’t said anything to her yet.
She wants me to answer her.
Wait, what the hell did she ask me?
No, she didn’t ask me anything. She told me something.
Late. She’s late. She. Is. Late.
“Oliver?” Her voice rips into my thoughts. “Oliver, are you okay?”
I am most certainly not okay. I can’t believe she seriously just asked me that, no—wait. I can’t believe she seriously just told me that. We’re standing in the kitchen of the house I bought for her. Even though I told her I didn’t, we both know the truth.
Pearl peeks her head around the corner, eavesdropping on our conversation.
“Are we okay here, kids?” She walks into the kitchen and glares at me. I know she thinks I’m the culprit for the tension around us. I squint at her and she quickly leaves the room. Julie looks at me with sad eyes—she expected this to happen.
Square up, Oliver. Get your head right.
I force a smile. “I’m okay. How late are you?”
Julie looks surprised. “I’m…well, just a few days late.” I watch her beautiful face fall into darkness; she regrets saying anything in the first place. I step closer to her and lift her chin up with my finger. The sadness that surrounds her is suffocating. I know that I somehow have to make it right for the way I’ve acted.
I’m not upset that she’s late. I’m upset that she surprised me with it.
“So, what should we do about this?” she asks, her voice barely there. “Should we talk about it before all of this?”
What kind of question is that?
I clear my throat. I’m hopeful that my attitude doesn’t bleed straight through onto her; I know she doesn’t deserve it. “I sign these papers and we go eat lunch. That’s what we do.” I force the smile on my face wider. Her tension doesn’t ease.
I can tell she’s scared—I am too—but we’re standing in the kitchen of a house that’s barely ours. There’s an old woman eavesdropping in on us again. It isn’t exactly the correct time to freak out. Julie’s eyes meet mine and I hope my fake smile will convince her to give in before Pearl comes back to check on us. I know she thinks I’m apparently torturing the poor girl.
“How are we doing, kids?” Pearl comes back into the kitchen behind me. I want to tell her to get out. I also want to get it over with so Julie and I can talk about what she just dropped on me.
I turn around and face Pearl. “I’m ready to sign those papers; this is a done deal. I was just showing Julie the house before we moved things in. Do you have the paperwork with you, Pearl?” I try to get her gaze to swing toward me, but she’s looking at Julie, who’s clearly sick and woozy.
“Pearl? The papers?” I snap my fingers at her. She opens her suede briefcase, producing a stack of papers. I sign where each little line is marked with a pink Post-it note. “There. Last one,” I say and hand her back the pen. I return to Julie and put my arm around her waist. “Thanks for meeting us here, Pearl. I assume we’re done here?”
Pearl nods and looks sheepishly at me. “It was wonderful doing business with you, Mr. Jackson. If you need anything else, don’t be hesitant to call my office.” She doesn’t even finish her sentence before walking out of the room. She bolts through the front door, closing it behind her.
Now we’re alone.
The silence is overbearing.
Julie clicks her tongue softly and clears her throat. “Okay, so, what now?”
“I thought I already told you?” I snap at her. I know that I’m taking it too far, but I can’t sort the feelings in my brain out.
Julie isn’t buying it. “We aren’t going to be able to ignore this one, Oliver.” Almost like she’s scolding me. “You can’t just cute your way out of everything.”
I disagree. I’m not even going to try to do that with her right now. I lock my jaw and my teeth clench together. “What do you want from me?”
“I want to talk about this!”
“Well, I don’t! What do you want to talk about? Did you want a different reaction from me? You surprised me, Julie. Do you want me to ask if it’s mine?” My mouth snaps shut. I don’t know why I just said that.
Her eyes narrow. I know it’s going to be nothing but trouble from this moment forward. Julie’s ice-blue eyes catch on fire the second I meet her gaze. “I’m going to pretend you just didn’t say that. Take me home, please,” she demands and storms out of the kitchen. I spin my body around in a full circle. How the hell could this afternoon have possibly gone wrong?
I’m a damn mess.
“Oliver? I’d like to go home.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. I walk into the living room and attempt to do what she asks. Backing halfway down the driveway—of the house our future was supposed to start in—I look up at the perfect house and growl.
Now I’m so pissed that it’s hard to see straight.
Julie clears her throat. I can feel her glaring at me. “I don’t know what else to say to you right now—” I grow impatient and cut her off.
“Then don’t say anything.”
I’m so pissed at myself that it just fuels my rage building inside. The burning, wretched ball of fire that festers inside when I know I’m so completely wrong and I can’t do anything to stop it. I’m unsure of what might come spewing out of my mouth if I let it.
She gets to me first. “I’m sorry.” She looks down at her lap.
I don’t want to make her feel horrible.
But I’m still pretty pissed.
I gruff at her. “It’s fine, I’ll just get you home.” The sadness that fills the air around us is suffocating. I want to do anything to make it stop; I don’t want to hurt her, but it just feels so good to not care for once.
“Thanks,” she squeaks. I can tell she’s crying next to me. I start to reach out for her, but something inside me stops my hand from touching hers. For the first time, it actually feels wrong to touch her. Like she isn’t mine—she doesn’t belong with me anymore.
I know that isn’t true.
I’m actually more in love with her now than ever before. Now it feels real, the stabbing pain in my chest. I can tell she’s sad and there isn’t anything I can do about it because it’s my fault.
Randy’s house isn’t far, but getting there seems like an eternity. I pull up next to it and Julie instantly climbs out of the Jeep without waiting for me. At first, I don’t try to go after her. After realizing how stupid that is, I nearly trip on my face as I fall from the Jeep. I catch up with her at the front door. I spin her around, breathing so heavily I might pass out.
“What?” she snaps.
My heart sinks and I frown. “I wanted to see you inside. Can I at least kiss you goodnight?”
Her tear-filled eyes close. She slowly opens them and stands on her toes to quickly kiss my lips. She turns and runs inside and locks me out. That sure as hell felt like more than just a goodnight kiss.
That felt like a goodbye kiss.
Short and sweet, like ripping off a Band-Aid.
The world spins around me. I make my way back to the Jeep in one piece, without falling on my face. I take out my phone and dial Harley’s number. I let it ring three times before hanging up and calling him again.
“What’s the problem?” he answers angrily on the third call. “Why are you blowing up my phone, Ollie?”
I cringe. I hate that fucking nickname.
Julie never calls me that. I love that about her.
“Meet me at The Tavern,” I bark into the phone. “I think Julie and I just broke up. Again.”
He sighs softly. “Are you sure?”
“She didn’t say the words…apparently she’s late too, but—look, I just want you to meet me at The Tavern, okay?” My voice cracks a little but I don’t care. “I need to get drunk and I need you to sit with me.”
I hang up the phone and slam down on the gas. I speed around the cars on the freeway, hardly caring about my safety. I open my window a little bit to let some fresh air in; it smells like her strawberry shampoo. I need to forget about that right now.
The Tavern, still in all its rustic glory, was an old college hangout for the guys and me. We never quite grew out of the atmosphere. When I was in the business of picking up women, it was always our first choice to visit. Now, I just want to pound down as much whiskey as I possibly can handle.
I park the Jeep and run my fingers through my hair a few times. I slap my cheeks to snap myself out of whatever funk Julie has just put me in.
I’m going to have fun no matter what kind of trouble it lands me in.
Harley waves to me from a stool at the bar. He shakes his head as I sit down next to him and tell the bartender what I want to drink. “Okay, what gives? Is she pregnant, really?” The first thing that comes out of his mouth, and it had to be that.
I gulp down the entire drink in front of me. “I don’t know, I guess.” I motion for another drink. “She just said she’s late. Then I said some dumb shit and now here we are.” I slurp down the second drink. He shakes his head at the bartender, who just rolls his eyes and looks annoyed at the two of us.
“So, basically, she could be pregnant with my child. I’ve messed it all up already and the mystery kid isn’t even here yet.” I slap his hand away and motion for another drink. He tries to put my hand back on the table. “I’m going to drink another one and you better let me,” I growl at him. He sighs, nodding toward the bartender, who then hands me the drink. I thank him and sip on this one; my head is getting a little fuzzier than I’d planned.
Harley looks confused. “I thought you and Julie were getting along. When I talked to Casey, he said you were back to normal.” He tries to catch my attention, but there’s a woman with dark red hair in the corner that just smacked her lips at me. That’s more exciting to me than whatever he’s blabbing on about. I sip the drink some more and his voice becomes white noise; he’s talking my ear off but I don’t care.
Hi, she says to me with her eyes.
Hey, there, my eyes reply.
Do you want to come over here? She blinks and smiles.
I break my gaze with her and shake my head in disbelief. I’m so in love with Julie it’s unreal. Then what the hell am I doing with this woman? I don’t dare look back over at her. Harley’s still blabbing his mouth off.
“I mean, it takes two, you know? Maybe she’s just scared.”
I scoff. “Yeah, maybe. But maybe I’m scared too. Why can’t I just be scared and fly off the handle for once? Why do I have to always hold it together for the sake of other people?”
“What are you going to do, Ollie?”
I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
My eyes click with the redhead’s again and she smiles. I like her smile. I like her silky, curly hair and way her legs peek out from her short skirt. Julie doesn’t wear short skirts. I think about Julie’s warm thighs and shake my head again. I can’t do this to her.
I think Harley understands that I’m having trouble. He claps his hands and rubs them together, trying to get my attention. “I think we should get you back home—maybe Julie has come to her senses and she’s waiting for you there.”
I laugh. “She’s not there.”
Harley groans. “Don’t be such a fucking idiot, Oliver. You need to talk to her.”
I make my mouth into an O and widen my eyes. “You used my actual name for once, did you? No more Ollie? Thank fucking God for that.”
“You know what?” he snaps at me and stands up. “I’m leaving now. Either you come with me or you find your own way home.”
I look at the redhead, who’s now boldly making her way over to me. “I can find my own way home. Scram.”
Harley sees the girl and leans into me. “Don’t do what you’re thinking about doing. You’ll not only lose Julie forever, but you’ll have to live with it for the rest of your life.”
I. Don’t. Care.
I’ve already lost her. Again.
It’s exhausting holding onto something you’re never going to fully have as your own.
“Get out of here, man,” my words slur and I push him away. I drink the remaining liquid from my glass and turn it upside down. The entire room is spinning. I swear I see Julie in the corner booth with another man until I focus and realize my sight right now is shit. The redhead is next to me now, her hand on my leg. “I’m Lucy.” She bites her bottom lip.
Harley tugs at my arm. “Let’s go, Ollie—you’ll thank me tomorrow.”
I shrug him off. “I thought I told you to fucking go?”
Her hand slides up my leg and stops a few inches up my thigh. “Can you get rid of him? He’s such a bummer.” The girl smacks her lips and frowns.
I agree. “Yeah, he is a bummer, isn’t he?” I glare at him. “Bye now.”
I turn to face the redhead and wait a few minutes before Harley finally leaves. I instantly regret letting him walk away from me. She giggles and sips some pink liquid. I see her perfectly manicured fingernails and fake designer handbag and smile.
Now this is my type of trouble.
“Do you have a girlfriend?” the redhead whispers into my ear.
Lucy. Her name is Lucy, right?
I shake my head. “I’m not really sure anymore.” I let her play with my belt buckle a little before I feel a little guilty about it. “I mean, yes, I do, I have a girlfriend.”
Lucy giggles. “I don’t really care either way. She’s not here and I am.”
I nod and the room spins faster. “That’s a true statement, Lucy. She’s not here because all I ever do with her is fight and have some sort of drama, right? I mean, what do we really even know about each other? I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid to think that I could fall in love with someone I hardly even know and now look—she’s fucking pregnant? Maybe? I mean, not that she did it on purpose…I’d never accuse her of that, but my fucking God, when does it end, Lucy? It’s too hard.”
Her eyes grow wide and scared. “Well, I can help you forget about…” She frowns, but swallows her confusion down. “…all of whatever it is she did to you.”
She didn’t do it to me.
I did it to her.
Me.
Oliver Jackson. Grade-A asshole.
I shake my head. “I can’t do that to her,” I say softly.
Lucy laughs. “I’d be doing it to you, silly. There’s loopholes for everything in life, didn’t you know that?”
I can’t even believe I’m thinking about doing this.
I’m not this guy anymore.
I wish Harley hadn’t left me alone with her.
“Your place, then?” she coos in my ear. I stand up with her and walk through the doors. The night air hits us; I would’ve liked some sense to be knocked into me as well. I linger at the valet station with her so she can follow me in her car. The entire thing doesn’t even feel real. I see her wink at me and pull off to the side so I can find my Jeep in the parking lot.
I don’t think.
I can’t think.
I want everything to go back to normal.
I broke the first rule—the very first rule—that I forced myself to follow to protect myself.
I fell in love.
Hard.
The only way to come back from breaking the rules…is to start all over again.
I won’t let my guard down this time.