Chapter Twenty-Eight
Evie
“Do you want to go to the dinner, Evie?”
My therapist, Dr. Caroline, was intense. We’d been talking for thirty minutes now, and I swear the whole session was her asking me question after question. When did we get to the part where she made insightful comments about my life?
“I do want to go ’cause I want to end things with Collin.” I picked at my chipping nail polish. “It’s important to me to close that chapter of my life now that I’m with Nicky.” I’d told her about Nick, how he’d helped me. How we’d fought. “Do you think it’s too soon?”
“Too soon for what?”
Geez lady, keep up. “To see Collin. To be around my old life.”
“Your old life? Evie, it’s all your life, it can’t be separated into old and new. If you’re asking if I think it’s too soon in your recovery process to be in a situation that holds so many triggers? I suppose that’s up to you.”
Yeah. Kind of what I figured she’d say. “I’m in a good place. And I feel happy, I feel like I can stand up to Collin.” It was more than that though. I needed him gone. I couldn’t have our relationship hanging around my neck like a noose, especially since Nicky wanted Collin dead. Yeah, dramatic, but not far from the truth.
“You feel happy today, Evie. Happiness will come and go. It’s not a constant or a guarantee in anyone’s life.”
Downer. “I know. But I really want to do this.” I needed to do this. I needed Collin gone.
“We’ve learned a lot over the last decade or so about Adderall addiction.” She steepled her hands under her chin, very Freud-like. “People like you who abuse this certain type of drug don’t do it for the same reasons as say, someone who does meth or shoots heroin. Adderall addiction stems from striving to be the best. You needed more hours in the day to succeed, to get the highest grades or raise the most money for charity. Your addiction got the best of you only once your brain could no longer function without the pills. Your body stopped producing the chemicals it needed to make you feel good because the Adderall was doing it for you.” She crossed her legs, her long, billowy skirt moving with her. “You still have Adderall in your system, right?”
I nodded. “I’m weaning off it, slowly. I take it once a day, ten milligrams.” Which was a hell of a lot less than I was used to popping.
“Your brain will learn in time to start working properly without the extra boost. Your body will adjust.” She leaned forward. “But the drive to be number one, the desire to be the best, that is something that will take longer to recover from.”
So, was the dinner a bad idea?
“If you think going to this dinner is the right move…and I meanly really think it, like you’ve sat down and studied this from all angles, then you should go.” She held her hands up, shrugging. “I feel like you should get in and out quickly, do what you need to do and then walk away. I don’t suggest spending a lot of time with the people who enabled you. As a general rule, when you’re too close to your addiction, you ignore the triggers. But if you’re doing this to help yourself heal, to help and not heed your recovery, then you should do it.”
***
I wasn’t sure what I expected out of my first therapy appointment, but it had gone okay in my opinion. I was glad Dr. Caroline finally started to dole out advice I could actually use there toward the end. Answering questions with questions was as annoying in real life as it seemed on TV.
Luckily, I’d taken Nicky’s Scout, and the sun beaming down on me had felt nice. I put on my sunglasses and let the wind destroy my hair. Driving back to his apartment, I started to feel lighter, excited. Hopeful even.
When I got back, I’d felt a little restless so I’d taken Ollie to the dog park. My mom had called and I’d thrown the ball for Nicky’s dog while we chatted. We talked about the usual stuff—her work and my sorority. I told her fake stories about living in the Kappa house. She told me all about my sister’s summer clinic with the Austin Ballet Company. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to tell her any part of what I’d been going through for the last week. But it still felt good to hear her voice, to tell her I loved her.
“There are my girls.”
I smiled when I heard Nicky’s voice behind me, turning around and jumping up into his arms. “Hi.” I was still mad at him, but I couldn’t hide the fact that I was glad he’d come to look for me.
He kissed me sweetly. “Hi, little bird.” He sat me down and threw the ball for Ollie when she came bounding up to him. I wasn’t the only one happy to see him. “I’m so fucking sorry about earlier. I was an asshole.”
A lady with a tiny designer puppy shot Nick a look at his crass language. She turned up her nose and went to sit on another bench.
“I’m sorry too.” I rested my head on his arm as we both watch Ollie play with a golden retriever. “You have every right to be concerned, and I should have explained why I needed to go instead of leaving.”
He put his arm around my shoulder, kissing the top of my head. “How was therapy?”
“It was good. Hard, but really good.” When Ollie ran off in the opposite direction to play more with doggie friends instead of us, we went and sat on a vacant bench. “I talked to her about the dinner. And she agrees that as long as I feel up to it, I should go.”
“Do you feel up to it?”
I nodded. “I do. I know it won’t be easy, but I really feel like ending things with Collin will make me feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.” Nicky’s face still held nothing but worry. “I can do this, Nick. I need to do this.” I wanted the Collin pill-filled chapter of my life to be over. I wanted to move on. I wanted to be healthy and happy and whole.
“I know you can do it, Evie.” He tucked me against his side, squeezing me tightly. “But please don’t let him touch you. I don’t want him close enough to hurt you.”
“I won’t.” The thought of Collin touching me was making me feel sick to my stomach. How had I ever been with him? How had I ever thought our twisted games were fun? “I promise.”
Nicky stood, reaching for my hand. “Come on, let’s go home and make up.”
“Make up?” I grabbed Ollie’s leash from the beach. “Isn’t that what we were doing back there?”
He spun me around and then dipped me, kissing my lips and making me laugh. “Oh no. I think there is one more, very naked step to making up after a fight.”