Chapter Forty
Evie
It’s not like I hadn’t been home in decades or anything. I was home at Christmas, which was only like five months ago. But I hadn’t been home, completely sober and myself, since I left for SMU two years ago.
I inhaled deeply, breathing in the smells of the compound. The sweet scent of the hay that grew wild in the fields. The honeysuckle that clung to the game fencing that lined the road. Tears pricked the back of my eyes. I’d hidden myself from my family, and in turn, I hadn’t let myself feel at home here in a long time.
Nicky walked up beside me, taking my hand in his and kissing my wrist. “You happy to be back, little bird?”
“I’m happy to be here, be myself, and be with you.” I felt high, in a natural and healthy way. “You ready to meet everyone?”
His eyes took in the home I’d grown up in, the smoke coming from my dad’s pit in the backyard. “Ready as I’ll ever be to meet about twenty people of my girlfriend’s family less than thirty minutes after I fucked her three times on their private jet.”
“They’re going to love you, Nicky.” And they would, simply because he was him. The fact that he’d been saving me from myself, and all my demons, for the better part of a month was icing on the cake. “Maybe leave out the mile-high club part of our story though.”
***
I’d been hugged at least five hundred times, passed around from family member to family member. No one brought up my attack, or my pill problem. But everyone was super clingy, wanting their turn to see for themselves that I was okay. My baby sister had cried when I’d walked in. I left Nicky to the wolves and spent a good thirty minutes alone with her in my old room. I answered her questions, and I assured her that I was going to be okay. And then we caught up. We talked about her dance workshop and the cute boys at school. I sat with her and for a while I was simply her big sister. It was something that I think we both really needed.
“Come here, Crue.” I made a big gesture with my hand, calling him over to me. He came, reluctantly. He’d been standing by Avory. The two of them existed separate from each other, but glued together at the same time. Like Beau and Halen, they couldn’t act like they were anything other than the best of friends in front of our parents. And like with her older sister, I could see the sadness and despair in Avory’s eyes. Pretending, any kind of pretending was truly draining.
I hadn’t talked to Nicky in over an hour, but when I caught his attention, he always winked. He understood that there were some things I needed to take care of. Plus, my uncles had him cornered, showering him with beer and praise. I wouldn’t doubt if they started going to Dallas to get inked by Nick now to show their gratitude.
“What’s up, cuz?” Crue had a red Solo cup full of coke that I knew for a fact was also hiding some whiskey.
I looped my arm through his, leading him back inside the house. “I wanted to see how you were doing.”
“I’m fine.”
I raised one eyebrow. “I said the same thing, but I was cracked out on speed and dating the world’s biggest prick.”
“I’m not you.” He took another sip of his drink.
So I reached out and stole it, pouring it down the drain in the kitchen sink. “No. You aren’t me. You’re you. And you don’t take pills or date the wrong people. But like it or not, you and I do have a few things in common, Crue.”
He crossed his arms over his chest, clenching his jaw but remaining silent.
“We both tend to self-medicate.” I gestured to the pile of whiskey-scented ice left behind from his drink. “And we both do our damnedest to keep up with the version of ourselves we’ve crafted.” I pointed to myself. “Holier-than-thou rock princess everyone wants to either fuck, kill, or be besties with.” I poked him in the chest. “Male whore who can’t be bothered with things like love and feelings.” He kept quiet, sending that same defiant look in his eye I’d seen a hundred times. “Am I wrong? Or did you not ask your twin to hook up with girls pretending to be you in order to keep up with your and Avory’s charade?”
“It’s not the same.”
I shook my head sadly. “It’s exactly the same, Crue. You didn’t want the parents to find out the things you were hiding, so you went to insane extremes to keep your secrets.” I put my hands on his broad shoulders. “I’m not judging, I’m simply asking you how you’re doing.”
“How do you think I’m doing, Evs? I’m fucking heartbroken. I’m devastated. I destroyed the one good thing in my life. I hurt the only girl I’ve ever loved. I betrayed her trust. I cheated. I fucked up so bad that I don’t think she’s ever going to forgive me.” He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was raised and full of emotion. “We were inseparable, so now, even though she can’t stand the sight of me, we still have to hang out all the damn time. Usually we lock ourselves in the media room and she sits in one corner and I sit in the other. She cries and I drink to keep from punching a hole through the fucking wall.”
“Why don’t you tell them the truth? I know it seems crazy, I do. But I promise you, the second you let it all out you’ll both feel so much better. You won’t have to pretend or hide. You can be miserable out in the open.”
“That’s what Cash and I have been trying to tell him.” Beau came into the room, a sad smile on his face.
Crue threw his hands in the air. “Right, so I run and tell Uncle Dash that I broke his under-aged daughter’s heart by cheating on her. And then what? He fucking hates me. If Uncle Dash and Aunt Lex don’t want me around Avory, she’ll never give me a second chance.” He shook his head. “I won’t do that.”
“Crue.”
He shook his head, wrapping his arms around me and giving me a long squeeze. “I’m so fucking glad you’re okay, Evs. And Nick seems really great. I’m happy for you. I swear I am. But I can’t talk about this anymore.” He let me go and then walked out the back door without another word.
“He smokes more than he drinks lately.” Beau tossed the cup Crue left behind into the trashcan. “We all take turns keeping an eye on him though.”
I nodded. “And Avory?”
“She’s Avory. She’s hurting, but she’s smiling and she recently got voted head cheerleader for her senior year.” Beau did a funny little cheer move that I was sure he learned from years of watching Halen like a hawk. “She’ll bounce back long before he does.”
“When my dad came to see me in the hospital he asked, ‘Why didn’t you come to me? It’s us against the world, baby girl.’” I bit at my lower lip, taking a deep breath. “You were right, Beau, us keeping things from them all the time…it’s not fair. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be.”
He nodded, his face thoughtful. “I think the older we get, the larger our problems become, you know? Like when it was covering for Landry missing curfew or because Jett and Marely set fire to that old tractor, it was cute. But all of a sudden it’s heartbreaks and pregnancies and addictions.” Beau glanced to the left, looking out the large window to our ever-growing family outside. “These aren’t small things anymore. These are things that our parents need to know.” He hopped up on the counter. “Before Cash left he said, ‘We forget that our parents lived whole lives before we ever came along.’ And I felt like that kind of sums it up, you know?”
“They’ve been through more than we know. And if we’d let them in, they could help.” I nodded.
“It’s more than that.” Beau and I turned, shocked to see my dad standing a few feet away. “We want to help. We were put on this earth to help.” He bit his lips together, closing his eyes for a moment. “Maybe we trusted you too much, maybe we should have held on tighter. Maybe we were wrong in thinking that we’d raised you right, that you would come to us when it was time.” He stepped further into the kitchen. “We’re only human. We’re learning right along with you guys. And we’re going to make mistakes, just like you are.” He put his arm around me, and one hand on Beau’s shoulder. “We love you kids. We love all of you so wholly and so completely…You’ll never understand the depth of what we feel for you, until you have kids of your own.” His voice cracked. “You’ve got to let us in.”