Haring

We’re breaking ground today on my building. I’m calling it mine, because it is. I chose everything about it, and everything that’s going in it. Matt trusts me, and I trust myself. This is what I was meant to do, combining business with my love of fun.

“Now the fun begins,” Noah tells me, once Matt cuts the ribbon.

“I can’t wait to see it all come to life.”

“It won’t take us long since Matt has crews working all hours of the day and night.”

“I appreciate everything you’ve done, including convincing me we had to put the water park on the main floor, and the mini-golf on the second.”

“It was common architectural sense, but I didn’t want to kill your dreams.”

“My dreams are long dead, but I’m extremely happy with all we’re going to do here.”

“While I’m happy that I’m not the dream killer in this scenario, I’m sorry you’ve given up on yours.”

“I didn’t give up, I just walked away.”

“From a woman, I’m guessing?”

“Yes. A woman who lied to me.”

“Sometimes they do that, and sometimes we lie to them.”

“You make it sound like some everyday occurrence; like it’s nothing.”

“No. Not every day. Not even every month, thank God. But, it happens.”

“It shouldn’t.”

“Maybe not, but it’s how we react to what’s thrown at us that defines us. We can choose to hold onto it, and hurt, or we can move past it, and be happier than we’ve ever been in our life.”

“I’m glad it worked out for you, but it’s not going to work for me.”

“You won’t know until you try. Just sayin’.”

“I appreciate your advice, I really do.”

“But, you’re not going to follow it, are you?”

“There are just some things you can’t get past.”

Like, me calling her a whore. Yeah, I know what I did. I also know I had a right to be angry at her, but that word should’ve never left my mouth. Ignorance probably is bliss, because knowing what I said makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it—and I think about it a lot. I’m not taking all the blame for that happened, because she lied to me, and almost got me killed, but the blame isn’t all hers.

“Can’t wait to see what you’re going to create, Van Gogh,” my sister says, putting her arms around me from behind.

“It’s going to be completely epic, Kahlo. When you have an unlimited budget, and resources, the things you can actually do are mind-blowing.”

“Doing it alone must suck, though.”

“You’re standing right next to me, and I’m surrounded by people waiting to congratulate me.”

“I’ll leave you to your admirers shortly, but you know what I mean.”

“Yes, and we’ve already had this conversation. Don’t become repetitive, and boring on me, kiddo.”

“The day I become boring, is the day the Doc will have a heart attack. I like him alive, so there’s no chance of that. I’ll leave you alone for now, but I’m not giving up on this.”

“You should.”

“If I hadn’t seen how happy you were with Natasha, or how much you loved each other, maybe I could. But I did see it, and that’s why I’m fighting you so hard on this.”

“Love isn’t everything.”

“Yeah, big brother, it is.”

“Without trust?”

“Trust is necessary, but it can be earned back when it’s lost. Trust me on that.”

“Nice play on words there.”

“It’s a talent.”

I watch her walk away, and smile at the people who surround me. I thank them when they congratulate me, smile for every picture I’m asked to take, and put on the act of a lifetime. It doesn’t stop my thoughts, though.

Thoughts of what my sister went through with Kendrick, and how they came out happier than ever. More in love than ever. He earned her trust back, and I don’t doubt he’ll keep it. He wouldn’t jeopardize what they have, and maybe Natasha feels the same way. Or, she did before I said that damn word.

The smile on my face gets harder to keep there as I realize the old adage about words not hurting couldn’t be more wrong. Words are powerful, and sometimes, really ugly. Actions often speak louder than words, but words create obstacles that are sometimes insurmountable. Times like now.

Natasha

“Hiding in the shadows? I thought you were done with that,” Reina says, coming to stand next to me.

I’m within the celebration perimeter for the ground breaking, but hidden by some trees. Or, I thought I was hidden. Leave it to the Queen of the Spies to find me.

“I wanted to see this. Haring and I are over, so it’s stupid, but I wanted to see him having this moment.”

“It’s not stupid. You could see him every single day, if you wanted.”

“Stalking isn’t something I’d feel comfortable with.”

“Come work for me, Natasha.”

I turn to look at her with wide eyes. “You want to hire me?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t recruit spies.”

I know this because every female spy in the world has dreamed of working for the Society, at one time or another. Who wouldn’t want to work for an organization that pays well, gives so many perks, and truly values the people who risk their lives every day? But, the beauty of this group is taking women from various walks of life and professions, and making them spies. Us traditionally trained women need not apply.

“True. As a rule, I prefer to bring in women who have specialties of their own, but I believe you could be an asset to us. You wouldn’t have to be active if you didn’t want to. You could teach, be on a research team, or even work strictly with the Foundation. I would only ask that you share your knowledge, and experience with us, as the need arises.”

“The Foundation? You’ve seen my file.”

“Yes, and I’m going to be very disappointed if you’re ashamed by it.”

“Not ashamed, no. I wanted to live.”

“You did. You survived what most people on this Earth never could.”

“I don’t feel alive.” I blurt it out, and then I cover my mouth.

“I lived that way for many years, so I understand. I went through the motions, and did a damn good job of everything, but I was never truly living. That didn’t happen until Matt and I stopped fighting our love—and each other.”

“Sometimes things are just too much to get past, to let go.”

“If you join us, you’ll know that what most of us have gone through for love is far beyond ‘too much’ and yet, here we are.”

“I appreciate the offer, and I’ll think about it. When do I need to let you know?”

“Whenever you decide. It’s an open offer.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I need to go stand next to my husband for a few hundred more pictures, but it was good talking to you, Natasha.”

“You too.”

I don’t leave when she walks away, because I don’t know what I’m going to do. I have almost a week left before this “vacation” I’ve had forced on me is over, and I’m at a crossroads. Do I go back, and return to MI, probably being sent out on another long-term assignment? Or, do I take Reina up on her offer, and have to see Haring almost every day?

As I watch the man I love, surrounded by people who are congratulating him, and asking questions I know he won’t answer, I feel proud of the part I played in keeping him alive. As the women hit on him, and he gives them his sexy smile, I feel jealousy, and hurt. I hurt so badly, thinking about him being with another woman now, and never calling her what he called me.

I shake my head, because I can’t think about that right now. All it will do is make me spiral into being a hermit again, when I’m finally leaving the house. I still play Call of Duty every night, but I go out during the day. Even if it’s just for a smoothie, or to grab a bite to eat, I leave the house.

I am a strong woman, who doesn’t need a man to make her happy. I may want him more than I want anything else, but I don’t need him. Or his judgment.

Like it’s happening in a movie, his gaze snaps to mine as though feels me standing there. When he sees me, his eyes widen, and he steps away from the woman trying to command his attention. He mouths my name—or maybe he actually says it out loud, but I’m too far away to hear it if he does. I stay rooted to my spot, not allowing myself to make the first move. My breath whooshes out in a long exhale when he turns away from me, and back to his adoring crowd. He’s done with me right now, and probably forever.

Do I deserve that? His scorn, and anger? No to the first, and yes to the second. He has every right to be angry, but no right to judge me. The only question I have is whether he said what he did out of anger only, or if he really means it. Should it make a difference? The feminist in me says it shouldn’t, but the woman who still loves that man, says maybe it does. I’m still not sure who’s going to win this battle.