Chapter 10
Zant
I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
{‘Lucky’ -Jason Mraz}
Spring Break, here we come.
Beach, here we come.
I hope to let go and just relax this week. I already know it isn’t going to happen though.
Even with all the help I’ve had, I cannot get passed what happened to Micah two years ago. It eats at me, day and night.
I hold her hand as I drive down the road. Most of the time, this is as far as I can get with her. I’ve tried to help her but, I don’t think I’m doing her any good.
Several hours later, we get to the coast. After we find out hotel rooms, we decide to hit the beach first.
Mrs. Lucy packed us a cooler and a bag of snacks so we take all of that with us.
“Bro, look at all these chicks.” Levi says.
“Yeah, you shouldn’t have a problem finding you some company this week.” I tell him as we lay everything out on the sand.
“Nope. Sure won’t.” He smirks.
“What about Chance? You think he’s going to find him a chick this week?” I look at Chance, down by the water with the girls, as I ask Levi.
Levi laughs. “Yeah right man. That isn’t happening and you know it. While I love the girls, they aren’t for me like they are for you two.
Levi has always said that. I’m with Micah. I know she is it for me.
Chance is in love with Kelly, even though she doesn’t know it. He will not even look at another girl for real. He makes it look like he’s interested but, Levi and I know better. Kelly is none the wiser. Yet.
“You’re right.” I tell him. “Come on, let’s go get wet. That’s what we came for.”
We run down to the water and splash Chance and the girls as we run in to the great Gulf of Mexico.
Hours later, we decide to head back to the hotel to get ready to go out and find some night life to get into. We aren’t old enough to hit the bars so we will have to settle for a restaurant.
The guys and I are in one room while the girls are in another. Of course, we are ready first and have to wait on them.
I hear them before I see them. They are laughing their girly little laughs. Micah’s giggle always stands out. It’s like aloe vera lotion to my sunburnt heart.
It took so long to hear that sound and I never take it for granted now. I do everything I can, whenever I can, to get that sound out of her. Even on my bad days, I try to make her laugh.
When she finally walks into the lobby, I lose my breath. She is so freaking beautiful.
Her long blonde hair is down and in soft flowing curls. She is wearing cut off shorts, one of her favorite rock t-shirts, and her gray and white Converse shoes. She’s perfection.
She gets close to me and I smell her scent. She loves body spray from Bath and Body Works. She never wears the same scent more than once. She always tells me ‘there are so many scents to choose from, I can’t just stick to one’. This one is new but it is a subtle smell.
“You smell nice, beautiful. That a new one?”
“Yeah, I just got it right before we left. Is it too much?”
“No. It might just be my favorite.” I tell her honestly.
“You say that about every one of them.” She giggles a little because she’s right. She smells nice no matter what she wears. It’s her natural scent that I smell through all the fragrance.
At Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, we all sit down at a table in the middle of the open room. Micah has her hand on my knee. I know it is for stability and I like it.
My mind constantly fights with me.
She needs me. I can help her.
I’m nothing but a bad memory for her. I need to walk away.
Right now, I am ok with staying with her. Every day isn’t that simple. I’ve wanted to move away more times that I want to admit but, I also never want to leave her.
Therapy has gotten stagnant for me. I need something new to restructure myself. Fix myself. So, I can help her in the future. Hopefully.
We laugh at all the shrimp choices. Levi tries to say them all really fast but keeps getting choked on his laugh.
“Man, shut up and order one of them. I’m starving over here.” I tell him.
He whines, “I don’t know which one I want.” Then he looks serious for a minute. “How about we order all of them and all six of us eat whatever we want?”
“That sounds good to me. What do you girls think?” I ask as I look at Micah and then Kelly and Macy.
They all nod their heads in agreement.
“Ok. Let’s pick the six best things and we will eat off each plate or something.” Everyone looks at the menu to choose something.
“I think I’m going to just order the fried shrimp. That’s what I want the most.” Micah says, next to me.
“That sounds great. Save me one.” I tell her as I shoot her a wink.
She smiles.
Our waitress, who has Levi’s full attention, comes to take our order and I let Micah tell her what we want, with Levi helping her out some. Once she walks away with a slight pep in her step, we all start to converse about what we plan to do tomorrow.
“I don’t want to get up super early, you guys. This is supposed to be a vacation. Don’t you get to sleep late on vacation?” Kelly says from her place at the end of the table.
“Yes. You are supposed to sleep late on vacation but, sleeping until lunch time isn’t what that statement means.” Chance says as he stares at her.
When she blushes, I bite my lip to keep the laugh inside.
Kelly - she will sleep her whole life away if she could. That woman could put Sleeping Beauty to the test.
One day last summer, we didn’t hear from her for two days. When Micah went to check on her, she was still in her pajamas that she had on the last time Micah saw her.
Three days before.
“I know that. I’m not talking about that late, you dork. I’m talking like ten or something.”
Micah speaks to Kelly like only she can. “Honey, you can sleep as long as you want. This is your vacation too. But be warned, you may miss some things as we all can’t do that.”
Kelly just nods her head and takes a sip of her drink while she side-eyes Chance.
After eating, we decide to head out to the beach to just walk the shore.
We want to enjoy the feel of the sand and the water and the wind.
I park the van in the parking lot and we all take our shoes off to leave in the car. As we make our way towards the water, I pull out my phone and turn on some music.
It’s dark, even with all the lights from the hotels on this side of the highway.
Micah loves music and it helps keep her calm in the dark. For two years, she has gone to sleep to music playing in some sort of way.
Shinedown comes through my phone and I slip it into my back pocket. The first words to the song start … “Just like the crow chasing the butterfly / Dandelions lost in the summer sky / Cause when you and I were getting’ high as outer space / I never thought you would slip away”
“Mi, may I dance with you?”
She sighs before squeezing my hand. “I’d love that.”
I stop walking and slowly pull her into my arms.
It’s like approaching a wild animal when handling Micah. You don’t want to spook her. You have to be gentle and mindful to protect her.
She melts into me like she’s made to be here.
As we dance in the sand, listening to the waves roll onto the shore, I put my nose to her hair.
“I love you Micah. I’ll always love you. You’re safe.” I tell her the words but I hope she can feel that they are real. I hope that my soul tells her what words can’t.
“I feel safe with you Zant. Only you.” She whispers to me.
I sing to her as the music continues to play and we sway along with the south spring wind. I add this moment to my memory. These are the things that carry me. These are the moments that keep me from losing my mind. These are the moments that will keep my heart from losing her.