Chapter 20
Zant
I told myself I won’t miss you
But I remembered
What it feels like beside you
{‘Better Than Me’ -Hinder}
I see her eyes go huge when she realizes that I am standing in front of her. I saw her at the bar with the girls and I just watched her as she and Macy talked to Kelly. It looked like they were having a serious conversation. Micah had this look on her face that said she was all kinds of confused about something. I know that look well. She used to give it to me all the time. I never would tell her my feelings and that is the look that she gave me when she was silently telling me that she wasn’t going to give up.
She has fainted and I am kneeling over her with my palm to the back of her head. Kelly is yelling her name and Macy is grabbing some water and I think she wants to splash it on her face.
I look at her. She is so beautiful. She is the most beautiful girl in the world and my heart breaks to know that I have completely let her down. I know that she is broken because I haven’t been talking to her. But, I can’t. I deal with a lot of demons on the inside and I swore a long time ago that nothing bad would ever touch her again. That is why I left and why I am staying away now. My life is nothing for her to be around. My anger is nothing for her to see. She is good. She is everything that is good in the world and all I have brought her in this life is darkness. I can’t keep doing that to her. I’ve decided that I needed to stay out of her life so that she would have a good one. I know that she could never have that with me. I’m not good. I didn’t come from good. Good doesn’t live in my DNA. And I never want that darkness to touch her ever again.
I feel her start to move and I know that she is coming to. Her lips start to move and I know that she is saying my name. I feel it in my soul before I even hear it with my ears. I lean down to listen to her and I hear her for sure. She whispers “Zant.”
I look up to Kelly and tell her, “get over here and take my place, I can’t be here when she wakes up.”
“Why not, Zant?” Kelly ask me with this heated look on her face. “What are you running from?”
I don’t have time to answer her questions just like I don’t want to answer any questions from Micah. I have my reasons and I don’t want to have to explain myself. I am doing what is best for Micah and I know that no matter what I say, she will fight me at every turn. I can’t have that. I have to keep her safe. She is my life.
I kiss her forehead because I know that I can’t have anything else and I get up. Kelly is taking my place and I walk backwards the same way I walked in. I look at my life laying there on the floor. I know she will wake up and she will be fine but, I can’t see her. If I see her, I will want to stay with her. I can’t stay with her. I would only break her more.
I have known Micah all my life. She used to be the only friend that I had. The only friend that I cared to have. We grew up together and we have been through everything together. I wish I had known back when we were seven and eight years old what the future would hold. Maybe our lives now would be so much different.
All that to say, it isn’t. This is the life that we have been dealt and we must live with it.
Know that you never know what evils live very near to you until they unleash themselves. All you can do at that point is deal with it and find a way to cope with it afterwards. And during the hell that comes, pray that you survive to have a life afterwards.
I jump in my truck that is parked near the curb down the street from the club. I still have the old beat up truck that I paid for myself when I turned 18. My old man wasn’t going to buy a vehicle for me. He wasn’t around anymore to do it in the first place. I have been an orphan since I was 16. I mowed a lot of yards and did a lot of odd and end jobs around town to be able to afford a ride. Once I turned eighteen, I found this old truck that belonged to an older man on the outskirts of town. I went out there one day to talk to him about it. I had worked for him before. He had me do some work on a few of his fences. When I got there, I didn’t figure he was going to even talk to me about it. It looked like that old truck was his only way to go. After a very lengthy conversation, he let me test drive the truck. It drove nice enough for me. At that point in my life, I could not be picky. First of all, I didn’t have the funds to be picky. I remember that he asked me how much money I had. I told him. He said, ‘you keep five hundred bucks and give me the rest’. I told him that I would give him all of it for the truck. He said, “no boy, you will need that money and I’m not about to break you for this truck that I can’t even drive anymore.” I will tell you – I got a steal. I know that now and I am forever grateful to that old man.
I head to my apartment and quickly climb the steps. The old man was right, I did need that five hundred bucks. I had a job and with the extra money the old man let me keep, a month or two later, I graduated from high school and could move out of my old man’s house and move into my own space. My old man’s house was a place that I couldn’t wait to get out of. The only reason I stayed there as long as I did was because of Micah. I couldn’t leave her. I had to be close to her in case she needed me. Mr. Davis helped me stay in my house while he and Mrs. Lucy supervised me. That was the only way that I could stay out of the system if anyone found out that my dad wasn’t around anymore. Once I got my own truck and Micah was going to be moving away to college for the first year, I was ready to leave behind that house full of demons.
I reach the door and slide the key in. I unlock the door and turn the handle. Why do I feel like this is my safe haven? Why do I feel like I’m going to be safe in here at all? The look in her eyes when they collided with mine, will be something that stays with me for a good long while. How did I forget that Macy’s birthday was today and that going out in this town was a good idea? My whole goal was to stay away from her. I didn’t think things through with Chance and Levi.
Speaking of Levi and Chance, a knock comes while I’m standing in the kitchen. I am just standing here. My mind is several miles away while my body is right here.
I go and answer the door. Both men push by me to enter my apartment.
Levi gets started, “What the hell man? Why did you run? I know why you ran but again I ask, why did you run?” I just look at him. I think he may answer his questions while he asks them. “You love Micah. Yes, I am going to get mushy and talk about love and shit. We are going there. You love Micah. Why do you keep torturing yourself in this life by staying away from her? She needs you, man. Regardless of what you think. You staying away from her isn’t helping her. It isn’t even helping you.”
The whole-time Levi is talking, I glance at Chance. He is nodding along with everything Levi is saying. Now I know where they both stand. What do I do now?
Everything that I have done has been for Micah. Every decision I made was to give her a better life. From the age of five years old to the current age of twenty-one. My whole life has been about doing what is best for Micah. No one may believe me. She probably won’t even believe that, but that is the truth and I won’t be sorry.
“You both know why I stay away from Micah. I’m toxic for her. She doesn’t need me in her life. I will just screw shit up even more than I already have.”
This time Chance speaks up. “Dude, you are all kinds of twisted if you think that what happened to her had anything to do with you. You didn’t make your dad do what he did. You aren’t even close to being anything like that piece of shit.”
I know what he is saying is true and it makes sense, but right now I still can’t make my head wrap around the fact that I may not be bad for her. I’m scared of messing her up and I must stay away.
I don’t say anything to either one of them. I need a distraction.
The guys leave shorty after that. They know me. They know they aren’t getting anything else out of me tonight. I need to be along to think. That is why they are my best friends. Regardless of how they feel about the whole situation, they will always stand behind me and I couldn’t love them any more for that.
I don’t even remember falling into bed. I just know that right before my eyes close, I see her face.