Zant
Funny you’re the broken one but,
I’m the only one who needed saving
{‘Stay’ -Rihanna}
The end of our high school years is finally here. Tonight, is graduation night. I’m anxious and nervous. I’ve been on a rollercoaster my entire life and this milestone that I have made it to is just another high part of the ride. The next dip is coming and I hate that it has to be this way.
“Man, are you ready for this? We are about to be graduates!” Levi is super stoked about finishing high school. The closer we got to the last day, the more excited he became.
“Yeah, man. I’m ready. We’ve finally made it.” I tell him while I look at him. He is going to be so pissed at me. I must do this though. I’m never going to be able to help Micah any further if I don’t do this. Maybe if I explain, he will understand.
No. He won’t understand. The only person that knows ahead of time about this is Mr. Davis and he is the one pushing me to do this. I know all of this is for me but damn, it’s hard.
I stand up and cheer really loud when Micah’s name is called. I can see her turning pink in the cheeks from where I’m sitting. She is so freaking cute.
She does the same for me when my name is called. I know she would love to embarrass me but I give it back to her and turn toward the crowd and take a bow. I can hear Levi laugh from the stage.
Once it is over, we head back to my house. With Roy being gone all this time, people have grown use to coming over to my place to hang out. We watch movies and work out. I converted his room into a gym and Levi, Chance, and I all went in together to get some equipment. It’s a pretty nice setup. We have rules and such. Mr. Davis keeps tabs on us. We aren’t allowed to drink or smoke or things that we aren’t allowed to do at our age. We just hang out.
“Dude. It’s over. I can’t believe I am finally free of high school. I’m not going to miss that place.” Chance says as we sit at the bar in my kitchen.
“You’re going to miss it. Once you get to college and see what real life is, you’re going to wish you were back here sitting in your desk in high school.” I tell him. I can tell he doesn’t believe me though. I let it go. Let them all think what they want. I know I am going to miss it.
This was the simple life.
Regardless of everything that has happened in our lives – high school was the time that we are going to miss every day for the rest of our lives. Adults do not have it easy. I don’t know exactly how I know this. I just do.
Several hours later, everyone starts to head home. Several people from our class came over to just hang and talk and make plans for the summer. Now they are leaving and I have no idea who we will ever see again. Not that it matters to me.
“Ok you guys, everyone is gone. Z, what do you need us to do before we leave?” Kelly ask as she picks up drink cans to bring to the trash.
“Nothing. I will clean tomorrow and get everything straightened back up. It isn’t too bad.” It really isn’t. Chip bags and drink cans litter the surfaces but it has been worse.
Macy makes her rounds to give us all a hug and says, “I’m going to take Kelly home so she won’t walk,” she side eyes Kelly, “it’s late and we know she will do it anyway if nobody takes charge.”
“Thank you,” Micah says to her, “I would worry like crazy.” Despite what happened to Micah, Kelly still thinks that nothing can happen to her. It drives us all insane. That is Kelly though. She’s a brave chick.
Kelly sighs. “Macy, let’s go. I don’t want to hear the speeches again.” Everyone chuckles while she makes her rounds. I hug her extra tight before letting her go. She gives me a puzzled look but lets it go. I’m glad. She’s a tough one. She is going to be the least forgiving.
Chance and Levi leave next and it leaves Micah and I alone. I spend a couple extra minutes telling them goodbye. They have no idea that it will be for a while.
I hate this but I need this.
Micah is sitting on the counter in the kitchen so I move in between her legs and wrap my arms around her waist. I tenderly kiss her forehead as she slides her arms around my neck. “Hey baby. Did you have a good day?”
“Yeah.” She says in a sigh. “It was great. We ended one chapter to start another one. You know how I like change but change scares me at the same time.”
“Change is good sometimes. Change is necessary sometimes.” I tell her while my nose is in her hair. Her scent. I’ve got to memorize her scent.
“I know. How was your day? Was it good?” She asks.
“My day was great. One that I will remember for the rest of my life.” I tell her honestly. Change is coming and I want to hold on to every little memory that I am going to need to carry with me.
I step back and look at her. Her blue eyes are bright. She is feeling good, I can tell. She is glowing. God, I love this girl. I just hope that one day she will forgive me for what I have to do.
“What are you thinking about?” She knows me. She knows when I am just pretending to be in the present. I really am here right now but I am torn and she can tell. She squeezes me with her legs so that I will answer her.
“I’m just thinking. I’m soaking up the moment. Living in the moment. You know?”
“Yeah, I get it.” She says as her face lights up with a smile. “I love you.”
“Baby.” I say with a sigh. I lower my forehead to hers and look into her eyes. “I love you too. With all of my heart. I have since the first moment I saw you throwing football in your front yard.” She giggles. I tell her this all the time.
“You were four. You didn’t know what love was, silly.”
“Maybe not, but I knew that you were made by God for me. I felt it.” I tell her with every ounce of belief in my own words that I can muster up.
She was mine then as much as she is now.
“Am I staying here with you tonight?” She asks.
“Yes, if you want to. I’d love to wake up in the morning to your beautiful face. Do you think you can do it?”
We haven’t done this yet. We will not be intimate. She is nowhere ready for that and truth be told, neither am I. But, I would love to hold her tonight as I fall asleep and wake up to see her face. Just this once.
“I think I can. I want to.” She says. I see the weary look on her face. She doesn’t fully trust herself but, God, I want her to trust me - just this once.
“You can, Mi. You can do this for you. You can do this for me. You can do this for us. I promise to not push you. You know that. You have all the power, sweetheart.”
“I know. I trust you. That isn’t the issue. I’m just worried about my demons coming out to play. I don’t want to freak out. I’m trying to stay on the light side of things. I’m trying really hard not to listen to the nightmares.” She puts her arms behind her and leans back to put some distance between us. I don’t like it but I step back a little to give her the space she needs. “I can do it.” She continues. “I can do this for the both of us. I need it and I know that it may help.”
I breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe I can do this one last thing for her. And for me.
We make our way to my bedroom. She goes into the bathroom to change while I get everything ready. I slip my jeans and socks off. I will sleep in my shirt and boxer shorts.
She comes out with sleep shorts and a t-shirt on. I try not to stare at her. I try to keep my brain blank. I can’t go there with her. We are nowhere near ready for that step yet. That will be years from now and I will wait forever for her.
“You ready? You can change your mind. It’s fine. I promise.” I tell her.
“Yeah, let’s do this. I want to fall asleep in your arms tonight Z.” She says with a smile. I’m extremely happy to see the smile.
Once we get on our sides of the bed, I turn on my side while she does the same and looks at me. “Thanks,” she says.
“No need to thank me, love. I will always do everything for you. Even hard things that you may not understand.” I say this hoping that my hidden meanings stay with her. I hope that my words linger and one day when she has a million questions, everything clicks.
“She turns over so that her back is to my front. I wrap my arms around her and put my nose to her hair.” This is Heaven. Pretty soon I hear her breathing level out and I know she is asleep. I slowly move my arms from around her, careful not to wake her. I climb out of bed and make my way out of the room to get my things together. No matter what, I must move forward with my plan. My heart is already breaking. This is Hell.
I climb back in the bed when I’m done and fall asleep next to the love of my life. I hold her and commit every single thing about her to memory.
A few hours later, I slip out of bed and leave her there sleeping in my bed.