Lars froze, wondering if what he was feeling was a dream. He had dreamt of this very thing for so long, he wasn’t sure if it was real until he felt the soft kisses of Tanner’s lips on his neck. He started with his earlobe, playing connect the dots like Lars used to do to him, only he was just kissing and nipping in the general vicinity and Lars felt himself stiffen and shudder as his dick hardened in his pants. He had changed when he had gotten home with the supplies into sweatpants which were a little more comfortable for working in.

He felt Tanner’s tongue trace down to the underside of his earlobe, behind his ear, and then down his throat. And his breathing became ragged as he felt Tanner’s palm move across his chest, pinching his nipples under his t-shirt and then sliding his palm down his abdomen and finally cupping him, squeezing him through his pants. He groaned as he squeezed and rubbed him and moaned as he tried to move his hips to get his palm to stroke him, but Tanner’s other arm was banded around his chest, preventing him from moving.

“Do you have any idea, how many times I thought about doing this to you again?” Tanner’s voice was hoarse in his ear and Lars moaned again. He rubbed his ass back against Tanner’s cock, which was equally as hard. He wanted what he had given him all those years ago, but this time he wanted it full of all of the unspoken desires they had been denied discovering for so long.

“Tanner, you had better be planning to go all the way through with this…I can’t, I can’t stand to be teased. Please.” He whispered. He noticed his voice was equally as hoarse, but he didn’t care. He only knew he wanted one thing.

“You bet I’m going all the way through with this. Too long…” He trailed off as he nipped the column of Lars’ throat. He moaned and jerked in his palm and gritted his teeth. He needed his pants off, now and he needed Tanner’s rough hands on him.

“Tanner!” He gritted as he used his free hand that wasn’t clutching Tanner’s forearm to push at the waistband of his sweatpants. Tanner let his grip loosen just enough to give Lars the freedom to whip around and tackle the man. He was kissing him and shoving at his own pants with such ferocity, that Tanner growled into his mouth at not having retained the upper hand.

Lars was clawing at his friend’s jeans as he kicked his own pants off, and Tanner had no hesitation helping him pull them down over his own hips and kick them off. Lars skipped the foreplay and teasing of Tanner’s nipples and abdomen. He dove down the bed and Tanner sat up, hissing, “Slow down Lars, we have all night!”

Lars smiled up at him devilishly. “I slept through breakfast.”

And then his mouth was on him. He tasted like salt and masculinity. He loved running his tongue over his friend’s cock who seemed to forget that he hadn’t been in a hurry because his head fell back as he felt Lars’ tongue which he hadn’t felt in over a decade. Lars took his time exploring him, tasting him and sucking at the tip of him, something he had learned long ago, really made Tanner wild.

Tanner wasn’t the only one having a hard time remaining in control. Lars had to squeeze himself between the bed and his torso several times to try to ease the ache. Every time Tanner moaned and raised his hips, or his hand went to the back of Lars’ head to push him down farther on his dick, Lars felt his own cock swell and his balls ache with the need to come.

He felt Tanner near his own orgasm and then just as he was about to tip over the edge, Lars slowed sucking on the length of him and sat up. It was like watching a rabid wolf who was starved. Tanner growled at him and tried to reach down and take care of himself, but Lars grabbed his wrists, pinning them by his head.

“You made me wait over ten years.” He told him. Tanner’s eyes widened and then he was quivering as Lars used his knees to spread Tanner’s legs which automatically wrapped around his hips. Lars grasped himself, using the precum to rub into Tanner’s ass and Tanner was gyrating himself on Lars’ dick, almost begging to be taken. Lars obliged and began to press into him, looking down between them to see Tanner’s erect cock pinned between them. The head was flushed and red, so ready to explode, but he was going to be denied until Lars brought him over that edge with himself.

Lars cursed, it wasn’t going to be long either. Judging by how tight and hot Tanner was, he hadn’t been with many men since he had left. It took Lars several minutes to work himself in, and Tanner had given up trying to maintain a purely masculine façade as he whimpered against Lars’ neck and shivered when Lars hit the spot inside him that felt so good. His own cock was leaking liquid and Lars knew it must be pure torture to be filled up so completely and unable to touch the source of all of that lust.

With a final pop, he pushed all the way into Tanner who moaned against his neck and arched his spine up as he slid in home. Lars himself dropped his head, savoring the feeling. The heat and passion that had been missing all his life, were now back and he was right where he had dreamed about for so many nights. How was it possible? He vaguely wondered. What had brought Tanner back? But those questions didn’t matter now as he heard Tanner moan,

“Laaaars move!”

His hips found a rhythm that he had known forever, and he began thrusting, gently at first and then the more Tanner clawed at his back, harder and faster until he was slapping into him so that the only sounds in the room were their smacking flesh and grunts with a particularly hard thrust. It didn’t take Lars long to flood Tanner’s insides when he came. He completely emptied his cock in a way that hadn’t been in so long, that it made his balls ache. He propped himself up on his elbows, quaking above his friend who was clutching his shoulders and leaning up, kissing him and darting his tongue into his mouth. He felt the ache creep up the back of his neck he had come so hard, and it wasn’t until he felt Tanner under him, squirming and trying to rub against his stomach that he remembered how edged his friend was. He was clutching the sheets and lifting his hands to Lars’ shoulders, clawing at his back, silently begging for something even though his hazel eyes were screaming, pleading for him to push him over the edge.

Lars showed him instant mercy and slid out of him, sliding down the bed and sucking him into his warm wet mouth so that Tanner howled with pleasure. Even if he had wanted to, which he didn’t, Tanner wouldn’t have been able to control his orgasm if Lars had told him to. He latched on and worked him through every involuntary spurt and shudder until the feeling became so intense it was too much and Tanner sat up, pulling his head off of him and moaning.

They collapsed onto the bed, Tanner pulling him toward him as they lay there sweating and shivering at the same time.

After a long while, Tanner began to stir. He grew restless and it wasn’t until Lars sat up and looked down at him, that he noticed his friend seeming to struggle with something internal.

“What is it?” He asked softly as Tanner tried to pull away. “Come on Tanner, this is me. It’s us. You can tell me anything, remember?” He said quietly. Tanner stilled and gave him that look of a doe caught in the headlights of an oncoming car. He froze in fear which broke Lars’ heart.

“Come on, tell me what’s wrong.” He urged. He really didn’t like the look on his face, like he was afraid of, him.

“You will be upset.” Tanner whispered.

“Not as upset as wondering why you are so scared.” He retorted.

“You don’t know that.” Tanner replied.

“And you don’t know what I have learned to shoulder in the last decade. Come on Tanner, talk to me. In a lot of ways, it’s still us, but we’ve had to grow up. My temper isn’t the short fuse it once was, and you have changed in ways too.”

“How so?” He asked.

“You’re more distant. You were always quiet, but now you are hiding something, or protecting someone.” Lars answered honestly.

“And if I told you the person I am still protecting, is you?” He asked.

“Then I would say look at what that protection cost us last time. Talk to me, communicate with me. I mean, that’s what relationships are supposed to be built on, right? Trust. Trust me, Tanner.” He urged.

Tanner sat up, but Lars wasn’t having it. He pulled him into his arms, so this time it was Tanner’s head resting on his chest. It took a few moments for Tanner to settle. He was tense, and Lars hated the distance, but he waited it out until Tanner was ready to talk to him.

“I had to do some stuff in Miami that I hated.” He started. Lars kept his mouth shut, letting his friend get out what he needed to. He absentmindedly stroked his back, trying to convey some measure of reassurance so Tanner would continue. “When I left, I convinced myself that I was going to be ok leaving you. That I could handle anything, because the world is a big adventurous place, and I was going to make new friends, new memories and the pain of leaving would be less and less, but it only made me hollower, even with the glitzy dazzling side of Miami.”

Lars nodded, not that Tanner could see, but he was sure he could probably feel it. He pulled one of the comforters around them, not wanting to get up and stoke the fire which was dying down. He noticed the snow had begun outside the windows, and he was glad for once the weather was causing them to be shut in, because it finally afforded them the opportunity to hash it all out.

“I trained at the academy down there and worked for the coast guard off the Miami bay. I met the rich and the famous and policed the waters for anyone who was a refugee from Puerto Rico. I hated returning them after they had made the treacherous journey to try to escape to America, but it was part of the job. The worst ones were the children who had been put on boats by their parents. It made living down there even harder. In a lot of ways, Maine has remained untouched from that although I understand there are a lot of places popping up in southern Maine which now have multi-cultural establishments and communities, on the whole, Maine doesn’t see that kind of thing like Florida does.”

Lars hugged him tighter, trying to take the pain away, knowing that he couldn’t. He was right. Maine was like stepping back in time where hospitality for the most part, was met with good ol’ country folk mentality. Tanner continued,

“Finally, I couldn’t do it anymore. I asked my boss for a reassignment, just something take the edge off for a while. Now mind you, they are more accepting of gay people than some here in Maine, mostly because they have a larger population. Hell, anywhere has a larger population, but the point is, there was an undercover assignment to pose as a rich yacht owner and infiltrate a known drug cartel who were smuggling drugs in on the bay in some glitzy yacht. The leader was known to be gay, so the opportunity presented itself to go undercover and bust him that way.”

Lars had a feeling he knew where this was going, and he didn’t like it one damn bit, but he knew if he opened his mouth, he would regret what came out of it, so he bit the inside of his cheek so hard, he tasted blood.

“I was successful, getting the guy to trust me. But it took two years of partying and craziness to convince him that he could trust me. By then my cover was so deep, we were dating, and I was doing all of the things that go along with that.” It was the first time Tanner looked in his eyes and Lars wished he hadn’t because he flinched, but to reassure him, Lars pulled him tighter and wouldn’t let him pull away.

“Lars, I did some shit that I can’t even explain with this guy. He had, unusual tastes. He liked…”

“I don’t need to know those details.” He was proud of himself. It had come out evenly. Tanner paused though.

“I will tell you everything for the sake of honesty.” He confessed to him and Lars appreciated the candid approach.

“I appreciate it, but I always figured I wasn’t the last or only. But whatever this guy made you do, I don’t need to know unless you need to tell me to get it off your chest.” He said quietly. He kissed Tanner’s forehead for emphasis that he had his full support.

“I’d rather not. The sex was, a blur. The drinking and drugs saw to that. But I’ve seen criminal activity that had me going home at night and rocking myself to sleep. I’d never missed Maine and home so much as nights after those when I was throwing up the night of substance abuse. I felt, dirty, unclean. It was like my insides were trying to cleanse themselves of all the nasty shit that was done.”

“Oh Tanner.” Lars began to rock him. He felt hot tears hit his forearm, but he said nothing.

“It wasn’t the worst of it.” Lars swore. How much worse could it get.

“I ended up finding a hatch in the guys yacht. There were people, Lars. People inside that bunker. I called in the squad that instant and busted the guy. He’d been running more than drugs. I couldn’t wrap my head around how a crime lord could be so callous as to deal in people. I hated it there. I decided that day that dealing with Ollie was a hell of a lot easier than dealing with someone as vile as that crime lord who used people like they were just more currency. What’s worse, some of them were the kids I had had to return. They were picking them up out of the water and imprisoning them when we would return them, because they were set to try again, despite us having to bring them back. I looked into their faces and I hated myself for ten years’ worth of work that meant nothing. If it wasn’t our own laws keeping them from freedom, it was a crime lord. I came home the next day. Gram didn’t say a word when I called and told her I was at the Portland bus stop after two flights and a train and another bus from Boston. She drove down and picked me up. I was back a week before I saw the position with the Maine coast guard and I told myself, at least there wouldn’t be any kids in bunkers in the yachts.”

Tanner sobbed in Lars’ arms and he let him. He had done another selfless act in allowing it, in order to make the world a better place, and he had come away feeling empty, hollow and used and not better for it, or his surroundings. Lars wished he could take it all away from him. By comparison he had lived a sheltered life for the last ten years. He saw the same old faces and the same regulars, all coming in the pub looking for something they would never find at the bottom of a glass. He had watched love blossom and grow, and break and he had hated them all for it because he didn’t get to experience the same things, the joy and the suffering with Tanner, and here he found out Tanner had known nothing but suffering. Lars found there was something more he hated than those people who seemed to steal all those precious moments away in front of him, and that was himself. He had thought about hopping on a plane and going to convince Tanner that he was foolish and that they were meant to be together. He never made that decision to go, and it had cost Tanner so much.

“Tanner, I am so sorry.” He murmured into his friend’s hair. Tanner hiccupped and sniffed, looking up into Lars’ face.

“Why are you sorry? You didn’t do those things.” He replied.

“Because I let them happen. I never came for you, despite warring within myself for ten years that I ought to. I never once hopped on a plane and came down just to see if you really meant…” He trailed off and grimaced in disgust at himself. It was Tanner’s turn to lean up and cup his face, not that he was the one who should be receiving comfort.

“I chose to put myself there, Lars. That’s not on you. Don’t ever shoulder that blame.” Lars stared into his eyes, wide-eyed at how vehement Tanner was. He wasn’t about to argue, but he wasn’t sure what to do with this self-loathing, so he did the only thing he could do. He kissed Tanner softly. He kissed him with all the reverence, love and longing he had for the last decade. He kissed him the way he should have been kissed by a boyfriend who cared for him, not a crime lord who used him perversely for pleasure and his body. He then lightly kissed his closed eyes, wishing that the look of haunting in them that he finally understood, was the kind of pain that could be kissed away. Then he kissed his cheeks where tear tracks had streaked his face.

Lars paid attention to every detail of Tanner’s body then. He worked his way down his throat and torso, committing every memory to detail. He noted the scars he was unaware of and filed it away in his mental space to ask about the stories at another time, and he noted the small nuances of reactions that were elicited when he did certain things to him. He took note of how to give him the greatest pleasure and how to avoid things that seemed to make him uneasy, because it may have been a learned reaction from the boyfriend he had never wanted.

Lars learned how to tickle him then. He needed to hear him laugh and he wasn’t sure there was anything he could say that would make him laugh, so he found the spot, midway down his ribs that when nibbled at, made him chortle. He then pinned him under him and teased mercilessly until he was emitting full bodied belly laughs. It was Tanner’s turn to flip him over and he went willingly after that.

He winced when at first, he thrust in. He was unaccustomed to the sensation, but Tanner slowed, breathing rapidly but barely containing the storm that was brewing inside that matched the one that was raging outside. He relaxed as much as he could and let Tanner take him in all the ways his emotions went on the internal roller coaster. He sensed that Tanner hadn’t expected him to be so accepting of his story and all that had happened to him. He dropped his head when he felt this emotion roll over Tanner and the thrusts became sporadic and frantic. Toward the end they were swift, even and assured as he worked through the realization that he had Lars, under him and accepting him.

Lars hadn’t realized that he had even been hard, he had been willing and open to Tanner, but he spilt over into Tanner’s fingers at the same time that Tanner flooded him, and then they both collapsed back onto the bed. Lars pulled him back into his arms and drifted off to sleep as their bodies cooled. He was never letting him get away again. He still had concerns over the tentative trust they had in one another. And there was also the harassment of Ollie that could throw a wrench in the fragile bond they had started to build again, but all Lars knew was, at least now he understood why Tanner was so hesitant to dive right back into a relationship with him. He reassured himself that, even if this night just turned out to be amazing sex, he would settle for nothing other than friendship because of it. At first the idea seemed strange to him. He had heard of friends trying sex after some time spent together as friends. It seemed like those friendships were inevitably doomed, but some did work out. It felt like what he and Tanner had was somehow backwards, and the sex was the lifebuoy of their drowning friendship and somehow kept them connected and holding on to one another.