Kade watched Bria watched Ava. It was the most beautiful thing in the world. She looked at her with the concern of a mother, totally fixated on what she was doing, guarding her. Every now and again they would look at each other, smile, and then watch the little girl in unison. For a while all they did was gawk at Ava carefully and exchange whispers about all the cute things she was doing. Kade still felt like he owed Bria an explanation, even though all she did was nod and accept his apology. What an angel, he thought to himself. Just hearing the word “sorry” made her forget about everything, or at least that was what he thought. Bria was probably the most forgiving person he’d ever met; she had a grace about her, a softness of the spirit, a gentle nature, an openness of the soul, and humility.

“I was stupid, you know,” he said, turning to her again. “I was young and weird, Bria. I was young and weird.”

“Oh, I know you were,” she said, raising her eyebrows at him. Then she giggled, like she felt guilty somehow.

“I deserve that,” Kade said, staring at his own two feet.

“Can I ask you a question? And this is going to sound petty,” Bri said, playing with the tips of her hair.

“You can ask me anything.”

“What did you see in her?”

Kade paused and clasped his hands together.

“You know what, you don’t have to answer that,” Bri said, shaking her head from side to side.

“No, no. Let me answer you, I’m just trying to think of the right words to say.”

“I feel like a horrible person. You just lost your wife and I’m here interrogating you about things that happened ten years ago. I’m sorry if I’m like this. Sorry for being horrible.”

“Woah, woah. You’re not horrible,” Kade said, snapping up and looking at her. “You have every right to ask, and I owe you an explanation. I care about you, Ari.” He looked up at the ceiling, like he didn’t know where to start. “Well first of all, we can check off all the conventional excuses, not because they’re fake but because they’re true. I was young and stupid, check. I didn’t know what I wanted, check. I was reckless and immature, also check. I was all of those things, Ari. But I’m a grown man now.” He paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. The last thing he wanted was to sound like he was talking bullshit. “I’m not gonna say I have all the answers, I mean look at me, I really have barely an idea of what I’m doing.” He shrugged and cocked his head towards Ava, who was still distracted. “I’m a single dad, I live with my mom, I barely know how to cook.”

Bria giggled.

“It, it took me two whole months to figure out how to change a diaper. I can barely tell what would be a good cereal to milk ratio … I can go on like this forever!”

“Believe me, you don’t have to,” Bria said. “Although I am finding this quite entertaining.”

Kade’s laughter was always a kind laughter. It was the sound of his soul, something that came when the smile of his eyes overflew into the air. Bria marveled at his eyes, only to be reminded every now and again that she needed to keep it together, that this wasn’t high school anymore.

As Kade spoke Bria couldn’t help but stare at his lips. The truth was, all she wanted right now was to kiss him, to have him hold her in his arms. But she waited, she waited for him to explain himself so she could finally be at peace.

“Anyway, I don’t have it all figured out, but I can promise you that I’m better than before. I’m not the kind of guy that gets married on a whim, or just because his girlfriend’s father wanted him to.”

“You got married on a whim?” Bria asked.

“Yeah, I guess you can say that,” he said. “Scarlett’s father was very … conservative. As soon as her and I graduated college he started pushing me to propose and she acted as if she didn’t know.”

“How did you feel about it?” At that point Bria didn’t care about prying. She just wanted to know the truth, the whole truth. Suddenly she felt obsessed, but for the first time ever, she didn’t care. It was liberating, feeling like you had nothing to lose.

“I felt trapped,” he spat. “I felt like my life was going by too fast, that I was making all of these decisions despite myself. I didn’t choose any of this, all of this was done for me.” He stared into space for a while, as if coming to terms with everything, reaching his own conclusions and making peace with the world. “And I was really close with her father, too. It was almost like she had reeled me in and I was too caught up to hit the brakes on everything.”

Bria nodded. All she could do right now was listen. She didn’t want to interrupt Kade because she felt like this was a moment of reflection for him, in fact, most of the time it sounded like he was speaking to himself rather than to anybody else.

“And then one day he came up to me and he was like, “We need to talk, son,” and that was when I knew shit had gotten real. I thought his daughter wanted to leave me but it turned out she wanted to marry me, instead.”

Bria uncrossed her arms and shifted in her place. Kade was caught up with his story, weaving his way through the events, reliving them as though they had just happened. She wondered how that made him feel. Deep down she hoped he wouldn’t get to the part where his wife dies, but she felt as though she had no control over the words that were now rolling off his tongue and exploding into the world.

“And how did that make you feel?” Bria asked, despite herself.

“I was conflicted,” Kade said. “See, I had no reason to say no. The two of us had been together for years; we went to high school together, we went to college together, we even moved in together. This woman knew me inside out and I knew her. And yet a part of me yearned for something different. But I pushed those feelings down the way you would when you’re trying to drown someone.” He paused and looked up again. “Not that I’ve tried to do that before.”

Bria had no choice but to nod. She knew more was coming, she just had to sit there and take it.

“I’m really good at convincing myself, so I said yes. That’s something that I learned never to do again. Never try to convince yourself if something doesn’t feel right. But what can I say? I was stupid and reckless.”

“And young?” Bria said, rather mockingly.

“And young,” Kade replied. “The wedding was nice, and for a while I was happy. But as the years dragged on something started to feel wrong again. It was like all those feelings were resurfacing again, sort of like a little kid tapping at my window every morning reminding me that something was horribly wrong, that I had made a mistake.”

Ava waved at the kids. They waved back at her and resumed playing.

“I remember for a month straight, I would sit up in bed and just watch Scarlett sleep. That was my window to feel something, anything, but it never happened. It sounds stupid now but I would go hours just staring at her, staring at her bare shoulders, staring at her freckled skin, waiting for feel something. Waiting for all this love to come flooding in.”

Bria thought he spoke in poetry. She didn’t know Kade was this eloquent, she didn’t know it at all. The world slowed down even more and everything else seemed to swim out of focus. She felt like a therapist now, listening to every word he had to say, asking him how it made him feel. She was always wary of becoming someone’s therapist. “Women weren’t made to fix men,” her mother would always say. “A man needs to fix himself first and only then can he come back to you.” Bria thought long and hard about her words and began to wonder if Kade was a broken man that needed fixing. But it wasn’t long until that thought dissipated, faded into thin air in favor of all those memories she had with him.

“Then one day I woke up,” he said, leaning forward in his seat. “And I decided to leave her.”

“Oh.”

“I crept down the stairs and prepared myself. I thought about what I was gonna say, I even wrote it down. She was alone in the kitchen, so I went up to her, kissed her on the cheek and sat down at the table.”

To Bria it sounded like Kade had been plotting a murder. She stared at him, wide-eyed, waiting for what was going to happen next.

“She was making breakfast. I remember she asked me questions but I never answered her and then finally she turned to me. “You’re still asleep, aren’t you?” she asked me. “Well, I need you to be awake for this.””

“Scarlett,” I said. “I-” But then she pounced on me like a tigress and kissed me wildly; I didn’t remember her kissing me with so much passion in a long time. “I have news for you,” she said, and I braced myself. Deep down I was hoping she’d break up with me and that this would be our last kiss. “I’m pregnant.”

Kade felt his heart sink as his story came to a finish. He was still staring somewhere far away, almost like he was disconnected from everything and everyone. He knew Bri was looking at him, anticipating his next word, waiting for more, but then he fell silent and exhaled so hard that he felt his lungs shrivel up and die. He felt like he’d been running a marathon and that he had just reached the finish line. It was a tough marathon, the toughest one he’d ever had to run, but he made it. “You know, I’ve never told anyone that story,” he said, his voice boiling down to a hoarse whisper. “It’s been eating at me for years now, gnawing at my insides.”

“Well, doesn’t it feel good to let it all out?” Bria asked him, but his face remained frozen.

“I don’t know,” he said, shaking his head slowly. Whenever he thought back to that day, all he remembered was the anguish that he felt at the news of her pregnancy. “You know what it felt like? It felt like I had no way out of this, that I would be stuck for years and years.”

Bria frowned and averted her gaze to the window again.

“I hope you understand that I’m not a horrible person. I fell in love with Scarlett and our family all over again when Ava was born.” He brought his hands together and squeezed his eyes shut. “But then a year later, everything changed, everything fell apart. My relationship with Scarlett was a work in progress, and when she died, I felt like a part of me died with her.”

Bria’s eyes started swelling up with tears, then she started crying. It was more than crying, it was the kind of desolate sobbing that comes from a person drained of all hope. The pain that flowed from her was as palpable as the frigid fall wind and soon the only person at her side was Kade, struggling to keep his tears silent, looking up to the watery skies and clouds beyond. She didn’t know why she was sobbing but all she knew was that her chest was heavy with feelings she never thought she had. All of a sudden she glanced up at Kade, her eyes wide and teary, and then she held his face in her hands.

“I love you,” she said against all expectation. Then, without thinking, she leaned in and pressed her lips to his. She felt his body loosen and his arms touch her shoulders. This time it was different. It wasn’t like one of those close-mouthed kisses like you do when you’re in high school and you’ve never been with anyone before. It was full on, open-mouthed, passionate. And Bria loved it. She loved the way her small body melted into Kade’s. The way their lips fit like two puzzle pieces. The way she relented as he played with her hair and held her tighter and tighter. When they broke away after what seemed like ages she looked at him.

“Wow,” he said, almost like he was in denial. “What was that?”

Bria chuckled beneath the salty tears. “What was what?”

Kade leaned in and kissed her again. “That.”

“What about it?” Bria asked.

“It was,” he kissed her again. “Amazing.”

Bria heard something in the background, almost like clapping, and when she turned around she realized Ava had been cheering. “Hey there, little girl!” she said, reaching her hand out to her. “Come here, join us!”

Ava waddled in their direction and they took her in their arms. Bria felt the heat rush to her cheeks and radiate through to her limbs. It wasn’t that cold anymore; the clouds had drifted away and the air felt somewhat warm. The kids outside had quieted down and the world fell silent. Kade took Ari’s hand and squeezed it and despite all that’d been happening, all the confusion, she felt home.

“How does it feel to kiss me after all those years?” he asked her.

“Would you make fun of me if I said it feels like I’m kissing you for the first time?”

“So there’s a lot of slobber?” Kade said.

Bria burst out laughing, and then kissed him again. Everytime she would kiss him, Ava would start clapping. It went on for what felt like hours until they had to leave.