“Lovely weather we’re having today,” the cab driver said, looking at Kade through the corner of his eye. He smiled and looked away, only because his mind was somewhere else. The cab driver just kept rambling carelessly, and Kade continued to ignore him. As they drove farther and farther away from Bria’s house, he couldn’t keep his eyes off the road because he remembered it all. He remembered the cab ride back to her place, the silence of the town, and the feeling of Ari’s head on his shoulder. He remembered stroking her hair with the back of his hand, and kissing her on her forehead as she was about to fall asleep. All of this sounded pretty romantic in retrospect, but at the time it was all just sloppy. Ah, the beauty of intoxication; you don’t know when you’re being sloppy, other people don’t know it, and when it’s over all you can do is give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You can choose to believe that whatever it was that you were doing, be it approaching women or dancing on table tops, looked absolutely sexy.

Kade chose to believe that whatever it was that happened between him and Bria was the epitome of a drunken romance. That every little gesture, from their heated makeout session in the back of the cab, to their rather prolonged session in Ari’s bedroom, was far from sloppy and meaningless. He didn’t know if it meant the same to her, but judging by the look on her face when she realized it was him, it didn’t seem to Kade that it was the case. He scoffed at the thought, but for some reason he couldn’t stop thinking about it. “Well, what are odds?” he asked himself.

“What?” the cab driver asked, staring at him through narrowed eyes.

“Oh, nothing,” Kade replied. “So, you were saying?”

“I swear, them Republicans …”

Kade zoned him out again and returned to his own little world of fantasies. For some reason it was consuming him, and Ari’s face was consuming him. The look in her eyes when she was about to explode, the way that she bucked up on him and pushed down on his shoulders. The truth was that Kade had been avoiding having sex with other women for the longest time, but this was his liberation. He rolled his window down and stuck his head out like a Cocker Spaniel, closing his eyes in the face of the wind and gulping in the air like he needed it.

“It’s a bit cold, don’t you think?” the man asked, but Kade ignored him. He could feel the tip of his nose numbing up but it was a pleasant type of feeling, exciting and childlike, something that he hadn’t experienced in a while. He mapped out the road from Bria’s house to his and he realized that she didn’t live far away, after all. Her parents’ house was in the same neighborhood as his, but he had no idea if they even lived here anymore. The two of them barely got to talk, and despite having shared a bed -and their teenage years- they pretty much knew nothing about each other. Kade was rather curious about her now, but he stopped himself from thinking too much because it wasn’t going to lead anywhere. You’re a dad, remember? You have responsibilities now, this isn’t just about you anymore. The thought that he was responsible for another life scared the living shit out of him, but he was getting used to it.

“Do you have kids?” he turned to the man suddenly. He wasn’t sure what he’d been talking about this entire time; what he did, though, was wait for him to stop talking so he could make his contribution.

“What, no,” the man said, shaking his head frantically. “My wife and I never wanted kids. When we got married, we made a pact to never have kids!”

“Mind if I ask why?”

“Well, for starters, they shit everywhere. And second, well.” He paused for a moment, trying to gather his thoughts. “They’re too big of a responsibility, for anyone. I mean, obviously if everyone believed that we would all be extinct but if you think about it for long enough, you’ll realize that, by bringing children into the world, you’re promising them something.”

“How so?”

“You’re promising them a good life. You see, parents love their kids, right? Do you love your kids?”

“I do, very much.”

“Well, if you’ve brought a kid into the world and you really love them, you should be able to give them some semblance of a good life, or at least that’s how I see it. If you can’t promise them a good life, that is, until they fly away from the nest, then you can’t bring them into the world. My wife and I have never been well off. Twenty-five years, and we’ve never been out on a fancy dinner somewhere.” He then turned onto Kade’s street. “Throw a kid into the equation, and the three of us are starving. What a shitty first impression to give them; it’s like, we really, really want you here, but we can’t make you happy and buy you things because the world is unfair. What the hell is that?”

Kade smiled to himself.

“Point is, if you’re gonna have a kid, you better have a plan. Because if you don’t then you’re a selfish person, and if you do, then it better be a good fucking plan.” He pulled over a block away from Kade’s house.

“Well, guess I’m gonna get off here,” he said, leaning forward in his seat. “Thanks for that.”

“For what? I barely did nothin’,” he said, shrugging and then lighting a cigarette. He adjusted his beanie over his head and put his right hand on the steering wheel. Kade smiled at him -the most genuine smile he could muster because he was so awkward- and then got out of the cab.

“I better have a good fucking plan for Ava,” he muttered as he marched across the yard with his hands stuffed into his pockets. Years later he would still be thinking about what that cab driver told him, replaying it in his head over and over again so he didn’t forget. All of a sudden everything that concerned him, be it Bri or anything else, seemed futile in comparison. For now, all he could think about was that little munchkin waiting for him at his doorstep, probably wondering where he’d been all night. Whenever he thought about it, he couldn’t help but feel ashamed of himself, and even though his mother was practically Ava’s full-time babysitter, the whole thing just didn’t sit well with him.

As he approached his house, the first thing he saw was Ava’s face peering out the window. His eyes travelled up a few inches, only to meet his mother’s. She was holding his daughter up to help her see, a sight so heartwarming that it made Kade melt. He quickened his pace, pushed the door open and greeted Ava with open arms. “Hey, sweetie! Daddy missed ya!” he said, crouching down on the floor and wrapping his arms around her. “Woah, you’re a little cold there, aren’t you?” he said, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

“Yeah, Grandma just gave me a shower!” she squealed, turning to look at Carol. “She taught me how to do it myself!”

“Mom, did you leave her alone in the shower again?” he asked, glaring at his mother.

“She’s a big girl, Kade. I’m sure she can shampoo her own hair,” she scoffed. Kade let out a sigh; his guilt was intensifying.

“You smell like flowers, Daddy,” Ava said. Kade squirmed a little and turned away from her; Carol shot him one of those motherly glares.

“Speaking of which, Daddy needs to change, and then I’ll drop you off at school, alright?”

Immediately, Ava started to tear up. Kade’s frustration was potent, filled with thoughts about parenthood and sexuality and responsibility. A million and one thoughts were zapping through his mind, nibbling away at his sanity, even threatening it. “Just take care of her while I get dressed, alright?” he told his mother, who took Ava’s hand and led her into the kitchen.

Kade sprinted up the stairs and the first thing he saw was his own reflection in the mirror. He looked like a cadaver; his eyelids were droopy and there was a slight lolling to his head, drunk with fatigue after a session of all-night fucking. He turned the tap on and splashed his face with the cold water, shivering at the sensation and shaking his head violently to wake up. Dark circles surrounded his eyes and his tie was loose like an employee that had just gotten sacked. His hair resembled a bird’s nest. His armpits wreaked of sweat and women’s perfume.

Kade got dressed in no time, and before Ava knew it, they were on their way to the school. The roads had become all too familiar. Kade had always found them charming, beautiful, even, but all that charm seemed to fade in face of all those city lights. He had missed the city with all his heart. In fact he thought he would do anything to go back. But whenever he thought about the pain of the city, the memories of the city, and the life that he no longer had in the city, he became sure that he had made the right decision.

Livingston no longer looked like the town he grew up in. So much had changed, and yet, so much remained the same. Often he would drive by a store that he used to go to when he was a teenager and a wave of nostalgia would come crashing down on him. When he drove by the lake, though, that was when his feelings spiraled out of control.

The boats were scattered over the harbor like fall leaves in a pond. The colors were beautiful, random, bringing back all these echoing memories from Kade’s childhood spent on the shore. Then as he drove, he imagined himself to be walking down there. He rocked back on his worn heels, hands deep in his jeans as he cast weary eyes into the wintry onshore breeze. The boats bobbed on the waved, turning a little as they did in their chaotic dance. Then he remembered all his responsibilities, all the things he still had to do. But no, he decided to stay. He wanted it to be his present for a while longer, to fill his senses. The cold air brought salt to his lips, the cry of the gulls that wheeled overhead in their lazy arcs filled his ears, and the pebbles shifted underfoot. No music could be finer for Kade, the symphony of color, taste, and sound could not be replicated in a recording or in a photograph. He would only move from the spot once the daylight robbed him of the scene, stealing the colors and replacing them only with charcoal and stars.

All of a sudden he found himself in front of Ava’s school, like his instincts had brought him there. The two of them walked up the stairs, and oddly enough, Ava was quiet. She just looked around curiously, recalling the place for what it was. She seemed calm and more or less serene, holding onto her dad’s hand as he walked with her. “I keep forgetting where your class is,” he said, looking around frantically. He was already late, but it was better than not showing up at all.

“Over there, Daddy!” Ava said, pointing somewhere vague. All of a sudden her eyes grew wide in anticipation, and when Kade looked in the same direction, his gaze fell on the strawberry blonde. “Ari! Ari!” the little girl chanted, running over to her teacher, who greeted her with arms spread out to her sides, like wings. Ava seemed a little too enthusiastic about their reunion, unlike Kade, who looked the other way. His ears were hot and he was blushing like a child. For a while he just stood there, not making eye contact with Bria.

“Hey there, little girl. I’ve missed ya!” she said, more like squealed. Ava responded to that with inaudible blabbering, and even though Kade wasn’t looking, he found the whole conversation to be quite endearing.

“So how was your weekend, Ava?” Bria asked, shooting Kade a look.

“It was okay, Daddy wasn’t home,” she replied, staring down at her own two feet. “But I stayed with Grandma, it was fun. I took a shower all by myself!”

“Oh! And how did that go?” Bria asked her. Kade looked over and she had her back to him. Her hair was pulled back in a shiny ponytail and she was wearing fresh clothes; to him she looked like a completely different person. Kade felt like a child staring at his crush, and then looking away for fear of being exposed. If he was being honest, Bri looked like an absolute bombshell, glowing in her red maxi dress and black Mary Janes. She wasn’t your typical preschool teacher but she had an innocence about her that he couldn’t resist. But he couldn’t think about her that way anymore. For now, he just needed to keep it formal.

Bri pretended to look around her, and when her gaze landed on Kade, his lips curved to a smile. Her eyes were narrowed, almost like she didn’t recognize him. But her confusion was only momentary, because her eyes opened again in attention and her lips followed, parting only slightly as she tried to muster a smile. “Morning,” she said, waving to him. He came a bit closer, smiling at Ava so he didn’t have to smile at her. She was obviously blown away by his appearance -- and not in a good way. He caught his own reflection in the glass doors, which made him absolutely cringe. Despite having done his best, Kade looked like a homeless person, unlike Ari, who was now glowing in front of him.

“Good morning,” he muttered, fidgeting with his keys. “How are you?”

“I’m okay, what about you?”

“It’s been a while,” he joked. Bri smiled and then averted her gaze elsewhere. She peered inside the classroom to check on the kids -or to avoid him- and then turned around again. She appeared calm on the outside, but on the inside, she was losing her shit because she didn’t know how to deal with matters like this. She wasn’t expecting Kade to show up that day, given how irritated and hungover he was just a little bit ago. But when she saw him with Ava, her heart felt warm again. She often had a hard time thinking about him as a father, because in her head Kade was the ultimate bad boy, the farthest thing from a family guy. But every now and again she needed to remind herself that he was all grown up now, and so was she, that they were different people now. Kade has been through a lot, probably more than she could ever handle, and in the midst of all the madness, Bri had actually developed new found respect for him.

Savvy had tried calling her multiple times, in fact she called her so much that Bri had to, for her own sanity, block her number for a few hours. She had to admit, she was pretty mad at her for talking her into the whole thing. Getting this drunk was never a good idea, especially when you’ve been single for a long, long time.

“I honestly didn’t expect you to show up,” she said after a while of pretending to monitor the kids.

“And why is that?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her.

“I don’t know, because you were dead tired this morning?”

“Yeah, and because you kicked me out, kind of?”

“I didn’t kick you out,” she jumped to the defense.

“I know, I’m kidding,” Kade lied. God, why do you have to make this so difficult? “I actually would’ve hated myself if I let her miss her first days of school.”

“She’s gonna remember those days,” Bria said, gawking at the little girl as she went ahead, for the first time, and socialized with the other kids. They greeted her welcomingly, and the group proceeded to play Hangman. Bria watched Kade as he looked at her, his eyes full of hope and perhaps a bit of despair. At what, she didn’t know. “And she’s gonna thank you one day,” she continued. “For being patient with her, and for being a good dad.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” he said, sticking his hands into his pockets. He fiddled with his keys and waddled around in his place like a frustrated penguin. “Anyway, I better get going. I have work.”

Ari’s eyes widened a bit; she was more curious to know what he did than anything. But despite herself, she refrained from asking because she didn’t want to seem nosy. The two of them turned away from each other and Kade saw himself out. Bri distracted herself with the kids, but she inevitably found herself gravitating towards Ava, her favorite by association. But then she realized that it wasn’t only a matter of association, because, despite everything, the girl was the smartest in her class. She was feisty, too. Just like her father.

Meanwhile Kade was on his way to work, burdened by all the stuff he needed to do that day. Mr. Guffaw had emailed him repeatedly, basically reminding him of all that he needed to do. And it was a lot. Being assistant DA was far from an easy job, and before he could go out into the streets, he still needed to complete his training first.

The location of the DA’s office was something he remembered vaguely since childhood. When Kade was around fourteen years old, a woman got murdered in her house only two blocks away, and his mom was called in to testify. Unlike a lot of people, she was actually a credible eyewitness because she had seen her husband, a rather odd man, barge into their house shortly before her murder. Kade remembered going with his mom to the DA’s office and being asked to wait outside while she answered all their questions. As a little boy, Kade was always curious, sitting on the edge of his chair with his legs swinging and stirring about, waiting for his mom to come out. Thanks to her, the police caught Sheryl Hunt’s murderer and that was Kade’s first ever encounter with crimes of passion.

He had mapped out the road to the DA’s office in his head, remembering it distinctly since that dry July night with his mother, except that he wasn’t a child anymore, and Mr. Hunt has been in jail for the past fourteen years.

Kade pulled over and rushed into the office, where he met with Mr. Harris, the head DA, and Mr. Guffaw, who was sitting at one of the desks, smoking a cigarette. He had always been a heavy smoker, ever since he taught Kade back in high school.

“Ah, if it isn’t my favorite student,” Mr. Guffaw said. “You’re late! I swear, this is high school all over again.” The big bellied judge let out a snicker and eyed Kade with a raised eyebrow. He smiled timidly, and then slumped down on one of the chairs.

“Sorry, I was dropping Ava off at school,” he said, his lips barely moving. His thumbs were chasing one another; you could tell he was nervous.

“It’s alright, don’t worry about it,” Harris said, itching his big shark nose. “Now, let’s get started.”

Boy, was Kade nervous. He really had no idea what was waiting for him, besides eight hours of training … and a whole lot of studying.

“Carlson, Carlson … do you hear me?” Harris’s voice seeped through to Kade’s consciousness. He snapped out, only to realize that he’d been daydreaming for a while now. “Roger that?” he asked him.

“Roger,” Kade replied, straightening himself. The truth was that he couldn’t focus all day, and still had a lot of paperwork waiting for him on Mr. Guffaw’s desk. Whenever he tried to focus, Bria’s face popped in his head, making it hard for him to do anything else. He couldn’t help but think about how much Ava loved her, how comfortable she felt with her, but as much as he wanted it to mean something, he knew it meant nothing at all. At one point both men went out of the room, and Kade was left alone with his thoughts. He swiveled around in his chair, staring aimlessly at the ceiling, thinking about Ava and Bria and Scarlett and his mother. Nothing made sense and everything felt like a blur. Suddenly he felt like he had no purpose but to raise his daughter, no purpose at all. He didn’t know what he wanted in life, what his goals were. He didn’t even know if he liked this job. All he knew was that he didn’t want to disappoint Ava and Mr. Guffaw, and that was one big burden to bear.

Then, during his lunch break, he got to thinking about Scarlett again. For the first time in months, Kade sat down and decided to think this over. He had been suppressing certain memories, certain flashes of smiles, and faces and horrifying moments, pushing them to the back of his mind until they almost seemed to disappear completely. But they didn’t, he knew they didn’t; they were just lurking there, threatening to come out and swallow him whole. Kade thought about his last night with Scarlett, how the two of them had fought over something silly. He always left the toilet seat up, and she gave him hell for it. That night, Kade remembered making up his mind, that he was going to leave Scarlett the next day.

He had stayed up all night, troubled by his own revelations, quite surprised at himself for making such a decision. A toilet seat was a toilet seat; it meant nothing more. He tossed and turned in bed and tried spooning Scarlett for a while but she turned away from him. Then everything started to feel wrong, so very wrong, like it was never meant to happen in the first place. Marrying Scarlett started to feel like the biggest mistake he’d ever made, because, even though a toilet seat was a toilet seat, Kade never really loved her.

Scarlett was a beautiful woman. He remembered running into her in the hallway one day and being absolutely bewildered by her fiery red hair and good looks. She had shot him a sly glance and then proceeded to walk with her friends, but that look never seemed to escape his mind. He was dating Bri at the time, but for some reason he couldn’t get his mind off the redhead. Matters became worse when she started taking a class with him; two group assignments later, Kade was hooked.

Facebook was only in its infancy when Scarlett sent him a friend request. He remembered hovering around her name, thinking about whether this was a good idea or not, but then he stumbled upon one bikini picture that sent his adolescent imagination soaring and he had no choice but to accept.

Then one thing led to another and Kade found himself chatting with Scarlett, exchanging music with her, and all those things that high schoolers did. Which led him to think that he was actually in love with Scarlett, and that his relationship with Bri was a big scam. When Kade thought about those things now, he smiled to himself because it felt like a lifetime ago. High school Scarlett had faded into a distant memory, something almost intangible, obsolete, and totally out of reach.

Prom was coming up, and Kade needed to make a decision. He was your typical jock, loved and admired by everyone. And the truth was that a lot of girls would’ve killed to go out on a date with Kade Carlson. But all he could see was Scarlett, with her long red velvet hair, her freckled face, and mediocre bass skills. In his defense, Kade never cheated on Ari, but he did lead her into thinking that they were going to prom together, all because he was too scared to tell her the truth. So what followed after that was Bria’s prom fiasco, which included a week’s search for the perfect poofy dress, several face masks, and a hired photographer.

Around a week before prom, Kade realized that Scarlett, too, had begun her prep journey, which led him thinking, Woah, man, I really gotta dump Ari. Fast forward twenty-four hours and the two of them were parked outside Bria’s house, sitting in gut retching silence. Nothing could be heard but the sound of their breathing, and then all of a sudden, Bria exploded with a series of curse words and accusations and “I knew it was her all along!” Kade just sat there, absolutely frozen, trying to think of what to say next but before his words could take flight, Bria stormed out of the car, never to be seen again.

And so Kade was the reason why Bri never went to prom, and that was one big burden to carry. But of course at the time, being the immature high schooler that he was, Kade didn’t give a shit, even less when everyone went off to college and Bria had become a distant memory to him. What was left was Scarlett, who became more stunning as the years rolled by. Everyone envied him. And they envied her. It was like they were the star couple of their class — that is until they started fighting.

They say you never really know a person until you live with them and that was exactly what happened with Kade and Scarlett. It turned out, Scarlett was one hell of a drama queen. After being asked to pick a favorite shade of lipstick, Kade pointed out that they all looked the same to him, to which Scarlett responded with three days of silent treatment. The days rolled by and Kade had already met her parents and the truth was that they liked him probably more than Scarlett did, vowing to stop at nothing until the two of them married.

“Well, I really can’t wait until you’re out of here,” Carol would joke, over and over again.

“Ouch,” Kade would say, rolling his eyes. Despite his mother’s careless ways and crude sense of humor, he still loved her to death, and so he would’ve done virtually anything to please her. He was still too young to get married, he knew he was, but he was looking forward to a new life, a life far away from Livingston and all its people. It was the typical small town, and to him, small towns killed dreams, while big cities brought them to life.

“Why don’t we just move to New York?” he asked Scarlett one day, to which she replied with a scoff.

“But my family lives in Arizona,” she said, giving him a glare that froze his bones. “You promised.”

Oh, and another thing about Scarlett; she was pretty damn selfish. Somehow she had managed to pull a promise out of Kade, one that would bound him to Arizona forever.

“This isn’t how I imagined my life would turn out,” he said to himself once while Scarlett slept soundly next to him. All he wanted was to move to New York and live a fast paced life, to move along the current of panicked businessmen hurrying to their jobs, to stop at a hotdog cart on his way back, to spend New Year’s Eve at Times Square. Instead he had to tolerate Arizona’s dry summers, and mingle with their old retired neighbors over hot cups of tea. But as the years dragged on he got used to it. Better yet, he grew to love his job. In fact his job was his only outlet from what was quickly turning into an empty nest marriage, one that was held together by a tiny little seed budding in Scarlett’s belly.

Kade tried to convince himself, over and over again, that he was still in love with Scarlett. The same love that tore him away from Bria and hurled him into her arms almost a decade ago. But no matter how hard he tried, he realized that this was no longer the case and that marrying Scarlett was a mistake.

He planned on leaving her, but instead she left him.

Kade clenched his eyes at the memory and swiveled around in his chair again. He clasped his hands behind his head and let his thoughts take him to a happier place, a more comfortable place. Bria. He wondered why he even left her in the first place, because even though he still missed Scarlett with all his heart, she wasn’t the one for him.

“And that’s okay,” he whispered to himself. He didn’t want to lie to himself anymore, in fact he was done living a lie. After years of trying to please everyone around him, Kade had finally reached a decision; that he would be true to himself. That meant raising his daughter to be a wonderful woman, going on long bike rides at the crack of dawn, learning how to cook instead of eating his mother’s food, and being with the type of person he wanted to be with.

Suddenly he snapped out of it and he worked ferociously for the rest of the day. Even Mr. Guffaw was impressed.

“Well, well, well. I didn’t expect you to be done so quickly!” he told him. “Burst of inspiration?”

“No, I just woke up,” he said, the silver of his eyes flaring up. It had taken him too long to realize certain things but once he did, there was no turning back.