October, Three Months Later
Shane
“Son of a bitch!” I shouted when the hammer once again hit my finger. It was bloody and I had to stop to go clean it up. It was the fifth time that week, and I had never been that clumsy, even during my first weeks on the ranch. I was fixing the fucking fence like I had been all week and still couldn’t do the damn job.
No one talked to me much these days, well, for the last three months, anyway, since Serena left.
They thought I was a moron for letting her go, and they didn’t hesitate to tell me after she first left. But since I became fucking grumpy and was constantly in a bad mood, they preferred to keep their shit quiet and stay away from me.
Worked just fine for me; I didn’t need their meddling anyway.
Ren was giving me dirty looks and told me I was a stupid fucker who let go of something meaningful, and Rising Star didn’t need two fucked-up fuckers. Grady proclaimed me stupid, and since I preferred to fuck up my life, he should just let me. Why all of a sudden he thought we were close friends was beyond me.
Maggie, with her soft touch, told me I might regret it, but she didn’t dwell on it much, not that I expected that from her. Carter just refused to talk and shook his head in a disapproving manner every time he saw me.
Well, the only one who didn’t give me shit was Hawk. He was silent, and that was fine by me. Plus, what kind of advice could he give me? None of them understood. It wasn’t about me not loving her or being pissed off about that lie. I didn’t like it, yeah, but that wasn't the reason.
I couldn’t give her what she needed and what she was used to. She had dreams and hopes, and she’d achieve them. She didn’t need someone who would hold her back, but none of them wanted to hear my side of the story; not that I wanted to share it anyway.
I went to the sink at the sidebar and cleaned my wound. As I was applying cream and covering it up, I heard footsteps and looked up. Hawk stood there with a cigarette in his hand as he studied me. I probably looked like hell. I didn’t sleep much, because I missed her beside me, and the majority of the time, I tried to work myself to death so I would be exhausted and not able to think about anything. Not that it helped much. Dreams of her naked and wet for me didn’t help much either.
“Son, a word.”
Oh, fucking great, the time for his talk had come so he could be like everyone else and get in my business. He motioned to the bench, which was outside, and since it was late afternoon and not too hot, it was the perfect place. No one went there if there was a job to complete. As I sat down, he looked at my fingers then again at me and exhaled the smoke.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“Fixing the fence, but I hammered myself up again and had to take care of that.” I knew he wasn’t asking about that, but I would be damned if I’d answer other shit.
“We both know I asked something else.”
“I don’t get how it’s anyone’s business. We had a fling and it ended. I’m getting sick and tired of people thinking they can judge me and say whatever they feel like.” And I was getting fucking angrier by the minute with the conversation. He was in no position to give me advice.
“You had more than that. You love her and let her go. Who does that?” The disapproval in his voice was grating on my nerves.
“I had my reasons, so back off, Hawk.” I stood and tried to walk away but was yanked back.
“Don’t turn your back on me when I talk to you, son. I have let you get away with a lot of things lately, but don’t forget who you are talking to.”
“Are you fucking shitting me? Who am I talking to? Who are you to give me any advice? You fucking cheated on your own wife!” I shouted and saw how he grew still. Distantly, I heard a door opening and some footsteps behind me on the front porch, but I didn’t care to turn around. I was finally getting everything out in the fucking open, and no one would take that away from me. It was the reason I came, all the anger I had with him, but I couldn’t express for a year. “You left a girl pregnant and moved on with your life as though it never happened! Another man had to pick up your slack and raised me as his own while he was alive. He gave me a name!” My fucking dad did that, and what did I do? Came here to know my roots with the man who wasn’t man enough to keep it in his pants?
“Your wife left you, because she couldn’t live with your lies! She wants a divorce, but you still won’t give it to her after all the crap you put her through, and yet you think you can talk about love to me? I didn’t get the chance to know her, but what I heard was she was a damn great woman, and the fact you did that to her makes me hate you even more. I don’t understand the respect you get, because all you care about is yourself and this fucking ranch. You don’t even make the effort with your own kid!”
I heard a gasp and was sure Maggie was listening to us, but nothing could have stopped me. “Well, you know what, Hawk? Fuck you.” I said everything I wanted to say, and it was liberating to finally address my anger with the man, with someone I thought I’d never have the nerve to confront, but I was doing just fine. I didn’t care anymore what he would do, because the fucking ranch and playing cowboy was not me. I appreciated my roots, and I would be forever grateful for what I had learned about the Native American heritage I had, but the rest? I was fucking done.
Hawk just looked at me with regret, anger, and pain in his eyes, but I didn’t care anymore. I turned to enter the house and pack my things, and stopped dead.
Carter, Ren, Grady, and Maggie stood on the porch, watching with worried expressions, and Maggie had tears in her eyes, but that wasn’t what made me stop. A few steps away from me stood Elizabeth. She had a hand to her mouth and shook her head, while her other hand was holding her stomach as if she was in pain.
Fuck!
She’d heard everything I said, and it probably upset her, especially with everyone here. I looked her in the eyes and hated the fact my presence hurt that woman so much she had to leave her house. But for the first time, I didn’t feel guilty anymore, because everything that happened wasn’t my fault. I wouldn’t hate that I existed anymore or how it screwed up the lives of so many people.
The only guilt I felt was for my aunt I’d refused to talk to. I hurt a great woman for no reason, and I hated myself for that. She raised me, loved me, and gave me the only real home I knew, and what did I do in return?
“I’m sorry,” I said and moved past her to my room, where I opened a backpack and put everything I had—which wasn’t much—in it before opening the box I had forgotten existed. There was my passport, old cell phone, and all my credit cards. I never used the money. Hawk paid me for the work, so everything I needed was covered by the salary I was making here.
I picked up my dead cell phone, plugged in the portable charger, called the airport, and booked a ticket to Houston. They had one in four hours. I would make it exactly on time. Taking one last glance at my room, I left. I went down and found everyone was still there. I owed it to the guys to tell them goodbye and I did just that. They’d taught me a lot of things and I appreciated it. The work here was hard and should never be taken for granted.
“Man, you sure about what you’re doing?” Ren asked, and I just smiled and hugged him. It was weird how we’d had a fucked-up relationship since the moment I came here, but at the same time, in the last weeks with Serena and after her, we became closer than ever and maybe, just maybe, discovered some things in common.
“Yeah, it’s time to stop pretending and go home.”
Oddly enough, he nodded. “Yeah.”
I looked at him, and I couldn’t believe I was doing it, because I knew it was annoying as fuck, but still I felt the need to say it. “You need to do that too.”
Without waiting for a reply, I moved on to Carter, who once again shook his head and hugged me. “Boy, you sure were fun to have around.” I chuckled, since I knew he liked me because I kept my mouth shut. If there was one thing Carter hated, it was when people talked too much. “Though I don’t approve of how you spoke to Hawk.” I knew he wouldn’t; they were best friends, after all. Not that it was Carter’s business what went down between us.
“Don’t.”
He wanted to say something else, but my expression must have stopped him. Maggie came next, and I hugged her fiercely. She was my only sibling, and I loved her.
“Little sis,” I whispered, and she hugged me tighter. It was nice to know I could always protect her and be her older brother. Fuck, someday I would be an uncle, too.
Felt good to know that.
“You know my number,” she mumbled into my shirt.
“Call anytime you need anything. I'm leaving the ranch, not you, okay?”
She nodded, but I could still see she was sad. I couldn’t do anything about it. I said bye again and went to ask someone for a ride to the airport, but saw Hawk was already inside the car.
Fucking great. But I knew no one else would take me, and it wasn’t as if I could’ve ordered a cab.
Unexpectedly, I felt a soft touch on my arm and looked to my right, where Elizabeth stood. I didn’t really know what she would want to talk about. The last time she had seen me, she was sad with the revelation and packing her bags, and today I was shouting and defending her.
“Listen, I’m sorry—” I started, but she interrupted.
“No, I am.” I frowned, not understanding why she would be sorry about anything, when she wasn’t the one who’d screwed up. “I shouldn’t have made you feel as I did when you first showed up. I took my anger out on you when you weren’t at fault.” She smiled softly and cupped my cheek. “Forgive me. You just look so much like him, and I never got the chance to have a son. That’s why it probably hit me hard.”
Well, damn. She was a beautiful woman inside and out; no wonder Hawk didn’t want to let her go. She reminded me a bit of Maggie, just that the mother was more comfortable in her skin than her daughter was.
“It’s still not late for that.” I tried to cheer her up, because who knew? Maybe they would have a boy. She came back right? She smiled back, but it was accompanied by a sad, resentful sigh.
“It’s too late.” she whispered, and I just blinked. Fuck, it was? The what was she doing here? I didn’t have much time to process it, because I needed to go, so with a last wave, I got in the car and we started out. Hawk said nothing much in the beginning, and I didn’t expect him to.
Well, clearly Beth had moved on without him. I mean, I never expected her to have a kid with someone else, but maybe now she would have her divorce.
When we were an hour away from the airport, he turned off the radio and gripped the steering wheel.
“I met her at the prom. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, blonde, green eyes with laughter in them, and she was wearing a pink dress and small strappy shoes. She looked like a doll I wanted to hug and never let go of.” Was he talking about how they met? Why would he do it at that moment? “Didn’t have much in my pocket and got away from the reservation to build a life outside. I wanted to have something different. The moment I looked at her, I realized I really wanted her. Our eyes met and, like in the fucking movies, we made a connection.” He got silent for a second, as though he was reliving that day. “Her dad was against me, but she chose me. She fucking chose me over everything else, and we started a life together and never looked back. She was there when I went to college and waited for me. She was there when I decided to leave school and help my family again, even though I left them before. She was always there for me.”
I stayed quiet but couldn’t help but wonder what made him cheat with my mom, if he never looked back.
“But at some point, when we were married for two years, we started arguing. The ranch was too much to handle with not enough money and hands. We constantly argued, and I preferred to numb it all in a drink, or several of them. One of those days in the bar, I met your mom.”
Oh, fucking shit, no! I so didn’t want to hear how he and my mom got along. I didn’t know a kid who would. “I don’t—”
“Listen to what I have to say.” I was in the car with him. Wasn’t as if I had any place to go. “I was lonely, drunk, and angry, and she made a pass at me, and for some damned reason, I thought this was it, why not take it? She wouldn’t complain, tell me she didn’t like me drinking or smelling of it, or the fact there wasn’t enough money or food for us. I wouldn’t feel like I ruined her life. And I gave in. Half of it, I don’t even remember.” If it was possible, his fingers became even tighter on the steering wheel. “When it was over, I felt like shit, because immediately I knew I’d made a mistake. I hated everything we did, and I knew the fault was with me. Like a jackass, I left her, came home, and cleaned myself up in the barn. The next day… I couldn’t tell Elizabeth. I wanted to, but I couldn’t imagine my life without her. I knew she would leave me and, son, when you find that one woman who makes you whole, without whom you can’t imagine your life, there is nothing in this life that will make you let go of her.”
I wasn’t sure I agreed with him. I let go of the girl I wanted, because I knew she would be better off without me.
“We moved on and I buried it deep. I hated myself for it, but when I stopped drinking, we found our way back to each other. The ranch was moving ahead and, three years later, Maggie was born. I was happy. Our life was great and I saw no point in bringing that up. Despite what she thinks or you think, it happened once, and I never stepped out on her again. Never wanted to.”
It was good to know. I didn’t want to hate him anymore.
“Then you showed up, and I was dumbfounded, because I never for one second thought there might be consequences of that night.” We stopped at a red light and he looked at me, and for the first time, I saw something in his eyes that I had never seen before: regret and remorse. “If I knew, I would never have let her raise you on her own. I love Maggie. She is my flesh and blood, even though maybe I haven't showed her that enough. But I would never have disowned you. I want you to know that.”
I nodded and tried not to get emotional. Because I was a guy, I wasn’t supposed to feel mushy with my dad. Here I was on my way to the airport, having the conversation I’d wanted to have for the last year; it was why I came here, to know the truth, and I was finally getting it. It was good to know the man wouldn’t have turned his back on me, or asked for an abortion or anything else. No one wanted to hear she or he was a mistake, but what was worse than that was to hear they never wanted you. Some raging part of me started to calm down, and I acknowledged it was my rage with myself. The talk was putting so many things into perspective. He stopped the car and I was shocked to see we had arrived at the airport. It didn’t even feel like two hours had passed.
He leaned back and stared in front of him. “I lost her.”
“She came back.” I tried to make him feel better, but I agreed with him. She’d probably moved on with her life, and maybe he needed to do the same.
“She’s begging me to sign the divorce papers.”
“It’s hard to blame her, Hawk.’’ Even if she loved him, forgiving cheating wasn’t easy.
Suddenly, he started to laugh, but it was hollow. “I thought I could fix that, because we had twenty-seven years of being together and only once did I step out on her, decades ago, but for her, it happened just recently, because she just found out. I hated that I couldn’t do anything, but I was sure I would get her back.’’ He punched the steering wheel, and I didn’t know what shit I could say to make him feel better.
“You need to let her go.” If she was happy without him, he should. What was the point of bringing her pain? He wanted to hold on to his love, but maybe she wanted different things. Wouldn’t it be better to let her?
“Yes, I know.’’
“Hawk—”
“I still love her, and I still want her. But her happiness is more important than mine. If only she took me back. If only.”
I stared at this man and tried to recognize him, because I had never seen him so defeated or lost. He truly didn’t know how to live without his woman. But there wasn’t much I could say in this situation. He had to live with the mess he had created. I got out of the car and he followed, taking my bag. He hugged me, and I hugged him back, finally having the closure I’d wanted. I was looking for answers, and in a way, I got them. I had the dad who’d raised me until I was five. I didn’t remember him, but I heard he was great with me, which was always a good thing to know. Hawk, however, was something else, a connection I was seeking and feeling. I think all kids felt that way. That's why they tried to find their biological parents no matter how good their adopted parents were. You need to know everything about yourself to feel complete.
“I love you, kid, even if you don’t know that. Life here isn’t for you, but remember, if you ever need a home, you can come here and have it.”
It meant a lot, what he said. I nodded and let go. “I hope she’ll come back.” I took up my bag and headed in the direction of the doors, when he called out my name. I turned around.
“There are several kinds of women in this world. The ones who provide fun, with whom you can spend a good time and have some off-the-charts moments. The ones who will rock your world in bed and teach you a thing or two about pleasure. The ones who can be in your life for a short while, because it’s comfortable. The ones who listen to you and you can unload your problems on them and they will take you back no matter what. But the best one of all of them is the one who has a combination of all those things. Once you find her, you can never let her go, because, son, you don’t get that generous gift from life often. Once, maybe twice, if you’re lucky enough or for some reason God took the one away from you too soon. Don’t spend your time in regrets and what-ifs. You can have her right now and spend your entire life seeing different sides of her and never get tired of being with her.” With those words, he left me standing there dumbstruck.
What if….
Oh my fucking hell! I had already spent enough of my time on what-ifs.
Quickly running inside, I prayed to God it wasn’t too late, and she would listen to me and give me another chance.
Because, somehow, I didn’t think life would be that fucking generous to me again.
First, I had to see my aunt and take care of things I’d left behind. Then I would fly to New York and claim my girl once and for all.
She was mine. I hoped to God she still thought the same.
Staring at the big house in front of me, memories of my childhood washed over me. After the accident, we’d stayed at my parents’ house. The money left from Dad was enough to keep it, and Aunt Tara thought it was good for me to stay in the same place. I remembered playing in the yard, riding bikes, and other shit I learned. She used to read her books on the porch while I ran around like crazy. She never left me alone. She made sure I had everything, but she had no social life. She allowed me to have all my friends over, and she was always kind and gentle. I couldn’t believe I’d hurt her so much.
I was exhausted after the flight and wanted to take a shower. I took the key from my pocket and entered the house. It was quiet, but smelled the same, like her rose perfume, which for me was her trademark. I smiled; there was nothing like coming home. My eyes landed on the wall in the hallway, filled with pictures. The majority of them were of me, during different stages of life. I was a kid with a ball, me during graduation, me at the university and at various games she attended. Pictures of me with my parents, with Aunt Tara, and finally a single picture of my mom. She was so beautiful and smiled happily while she was holding me in her arms just hours after I was born, my dad hugging her protectively. They seemed happy. I put my fingers on the picture.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said quietly, and finally peace settled over me. I was forever grateful to her for giving me a beautiful life, for giving me a dad, having an amazing sister who raised me as her own, and finally, even though I was the result of a one-night stand, it was with one hell of a man. I could finally let go. Flashing them a smile, I ran upstairs. Maybe she was napping. I knew she was home; her car was there. Plus, she never went out much. She was young, only thirty-nine, but I had never seen her doing anything for herself.
I finally reached her door, knocked, and called out her name. There was silence and I was about to enter, because that shit was starting to worry me, when the door opened and my aunt was there, flushed and breathing hard, with only a sheet covering her body.
“Shane?” She looked mortified, and I just blinked. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was—
“Tara? Who are you talking to?” Well fuck. She had a man in there. My aunt had a man? I blinked again. I didn’t really know how to react.
“Shane, please give me a minute and go downstairs. Please.” She was begging me? What the hell? She was the woman who was able to rip me a new one if I ever disrespected her. I remembered I put her through hell for the last year and shame came back.
“Sure, Aunt Tara.”
She looked surprised but smiled back, and I remembered how much I missed it. I decided to take a shower and change my clothes. I already had a ticket to New York, thanks to Becky, who agreed to help me out. I got her number from Maggie. She told me the location I needed to be in and what time to arrive, not to mention the clothes I needed to wear.
After I was done, I went downstairs and smelled the coffee and apple pie. She probably quickly put it together, and it was in the oven. As we watched each other for a second, I decided not to wait anymore. I hugged her, and it felt like coming home. She’d raised me. I loved my mom, I really did, but Tara was my mom in a way too. She was my family.
“Missed you,” she whispered. “I’m so glad you’re home.” She gently patted my head then leaned back, and her eyes watered. She smiled though, and I wiped tears from her cheeks with my fingers.
“I missed you too. I’m sorry, Aunt Tara, for being an asshole.”
“Language,” she said firmly. “It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re home.” We sat at the table, and she took my hand in hers. “Did you find what you were looking for?” I knew she was asking me about Hawk and the stuff I’d wanted to know before I left.
“Yes, I did.”
“Are you at peace?”
“Yeah.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m glad, honey. I’m really glad.”
Before I had the chance to say anything else, a tall man entered the room, and to say I was fucking surprised was an understatement. He was good-looking, had brown hair and eyes, and looked generally okay. He was fucking young. I looked at Aunt Tara and smirked, and she scowled.
I never thought my aunt was a cougar, but at the same time, who cared about the age difference? The guy must be in his late twenties. He came closer to me and extended his hand and I shook it.
He had a firm handshake and looked me straight in the eyes. “Eric.”
“Shane.”
“Yeah, heard a lot about you, Shane.” His eyes were cold though as he went to my aunt and stood behind her in a protective stance. Yeah, the guy was angry with me for making her suffer.
“Are you here for good?” she asked with hope, and I shook my head and her face fell.
“I need to go to New York.”
She frowned. “Why?”
“Because of Serena.”
“And she is?”
Taking a deep breath, I replied, “She’s the girl I love, who I hurt. I need to get her back.”
She didn’t say anything for a minute, but then her face brightened with happiness as her eyes filled with relief. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go get the girl. But first, let’s have some pie.”
And just like that, I got my family back.