Chapter Eleven

 

Emerson

Friday afternoons were always chaotic in the classroom. The kids were raring to race out the door to start their weekend. The last thirty minutes were ticking by, and the volume was steadily rising again.

“Bring it down. Last warning or I’m keeping you all for five extra minutes after the bell.” The groans rippled like a wave through the room. “Look at it this way, if you finish the assigned work, you won’t be taking it home over the weekend.”

I scanned the two and a half dozen kids in front of me who promptly lowered their heads to stare at their textbooks once again. All heads were down but one. Alexa. The student who I’d been plied into having in my class by her excessively persuasive father. Her gaze remained transfixed out the window, lost in space and time as usual. She wasn’t a bad kid, but her attention was never present, and it wasn’t hard to see how she’d floundered and failed Mrs. Tremble’s class. If she wasn’t gazing into the unknown, she was up sharpening pencils, doodling in her notebooks, or asking to go to the washroom. Every. Single. Day. Her focus was all over the place.

“Alexa.” Her head snapped around—staring upfront but not meeting my eyes—the same hazy expression on her face I saw frequently. She clacked her tongue and drummed her fingers on her desk. “Get to work.”

She shifted her attention to her textbook but then diverted her focus to her pencil case as she rooted through it, pulled out random colored pencils, and examined their tips. I kept an eye on her for a long time, analyzing and trying to make sense of her inattention. Was she simply uninterested in school work? Was she taking drugs? Was she battling some kind of inner teenage-turmoil girls often struggled with which made it hard for them to keep their mind on their work? None of it seemed to fit. Not once did she glance to her textbook or the work I’d assigned. I sensed a parent-teacher conference on the horizon if her behavior didn’t change. I wanted her to be successful since she’d had trouble with this class in the past, but at the rate she was going, I didn’t foresee a good grade.

Inconspicuously, I checked my phone to see if Kaiden had texted. He didn’t teach lessons until four, but he’d told me he and Cooper were heading to the hills around one thirty to spend some time boarding beforehand. He’d explained he would talk to his boss then and get back to me, so we knew what was up and if we were packing a bag for the weekend. I smiled as I read his most recent message.

Kaiden: Skiing here we come! Coop took my Saturday classes. He had to do some shuffling, but Nigel didn’t care. In exchange, I have his next Saturday so he can have it off.

A grinding of pencils being eaten by the sharpener made me look up. Alexa was at it again, taking great pains to ensure her pencil crayons had impeccable points. I sighed and let her do her thing. It was too late in the day on a Friday for me to be bothered correcting her yet again.

The rest of the students were busy, so I typed out a reply.

Me: Come right home after work, and we can take off.

We needed this. Both of us. There had been too much tension since we’d been reunited. The return to something familiar and fun, finding our brotherly bond again was long overdue. All the crazy, unwarranted feelings I’d been suffering probably stemmed from our unresolved issue four years ago. This weekend, we’d have a chance to officially find stable ground once again. Things from the past could be laid to rest. No more shit. No more dredging up unreasonable and irrevocably inappropriate feelings.

The bell rang its piercing clang a few minutes later and the classroom emptied in record time. Alexa was the last to leave. She stowed her textbook and notebook in her backpack, along with her collection of colored pencils, then, she detoured by my desk and dropped a torn page in front of me with a fleeting smile before heading out.

I watched her disappear before pulling the page forward. On the torn piece of lined paper she’d removed from her notebook was a drawing of the landscape from out the classroom window. Mountains in the distance, snow-covered evergreens dotting the horizon, their various shades of green captured almost perfectly. The high school sat a few blocks from the valley, but Alexa had also included the peaks of buildings and a church tower visible in the east. It was good. Her perspective was accurate, and her use of color versus black and gray made certain things pop more than others.

I sighed and tucked it in a drawer, unsure why she’d gifted me with such a thing when she knew it wasn’t what she was supposed to be doing. Talent didn’t excuse her outright refusal to work on my assignments. I hoped by Monday she completed the things I’d asked.

 

* * *

 

The drive to the cabin wasn’t overly long. We arrived just after seven, an hour before the restaurant in the chalet closed. Kaiden and I dropped our bags inside and sorted out our weekend living space before we planned to grab a quick bite to eat.

“This is nice.” Kaiden tossed his duffle on one of the double beds and spun, admiring the single room log cabin that would be ours for the next two nights. The high, slanted ceilings and cozy fireplace along with the rustic décor gave the place a warmth that was far more appealing than any hotel I’d ever stayed in. It smelled of pine and a hint of cinnamon from an air freshener in the bathroom.

“Jagger and I rent this one a lot.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“We love it here.”

“Cool.” Kaiden flopped on the bed, arms behind his head as he sighed contentedly. “Is the food any good at the chalet?”

“Oh, heck yeah.” I pulled my toiletries from my duffle and set them aside to bring to the bathroom later. “Jagger raves to everyone at work about the burgers. He’s a burger fanatic. He once did this challenge where he ate at all the local restaurants to make an honest comparison. The chalet won hands down.”

“Jagger, Jagger, Jagger. Are you sure your friend is straight? You seem infatuated.”

“Believe me, he’s straight. I learned the hard way.”

Kaiden chuckled. It was good to see the tension between us gone for a change. “Always crossing lines,” he muttered.

I wasn’t supposed to hear the comment. When I peeked up, his eyes were closed, but he didn’t seem irritated, so I let it go.

“Come on, we don’t want to miss dinner.”

We bundled up for the half-mile hike along the snow-packed road that led to the chalet at the base of the ski hills. It was a good time to work our way into some casual conversation, but I wasn’t sure where to start. Kaiden was right, four years changed a person, and I really didn’t know him anymore. According to what Mom shared, his life had been nothing but a steady decline.

“So, being a teacher must keep you pretty busy.” Kaiden jumped in first, and I relaxed by a degree. “Do you get much free time?”

“I do. The worst is when midterms come up or finals, then I’m overloaded and generally work as much at home in the evening as I do during the day. Teaching is good hours, though. Holidays off. Weekends off. Mostly I have the evening to myself. And summer is bliss.”

“What do you do for fun?”

I shrugged and shoved my hands deeper into my pockets. “Not a lot. Jagger and I hang out some.” He chuckled at my mention of him again. “He’s in a dart league, and sometimes I go watch him play Thursday nights. In the summer, Jag and another teacher we work with play on a volleyball team together.”

“Hmm. Any good bars in town?”

I pressed my lips together and side-eyed him. “Apart from watching Jagger play darts, I don’t venture to the bars much. Don’t drink anymore.”

Silence. Questions hung in the air, my drunken mistake clearly on both our minds making us squirm.

“How do you...” Kaiden’s words fell short. “I mean… don’t you…”

“Spit it out. Don’t I what?”

He picked up his pace and watched the ground pass beneath his feet. “Don’t you date?”

Oh, you silly boy, if you had any idea the hell I’ve put myself through.

“Not a lot. But you don’t have to bar hop to find dates, you know. In fact, I’d rather not pick up guys at a bar. That’s just a mistake waiting to happen.”

In fact, I’d have rather avoided the topic of boyfriends or dating period. My history in that department was disastrous for reasons I couldn’t share, and I had no desire to know about Kaiden’s experiences with men or women either. Hearing or thinking about it seemed to itch at something bone deep inside me, and I couldn’t shake it off. No, I definitely didn’t want this conversation to progress.

“Do you have any thoughts for the upcoming summer and what you’d like to do? I’ll be off. Best benefit to a teaching career, but I’d be happy to give you a hand finding something. If you want.”

Kaiden blew out a breath and shook his head as we approached the front entrance of the chalet restaurant. “Not really. The story of my life. I’m twenty-three with no clue what I want to do when I grow up.”

“At least you’re looking forward now.”

“Not by choice. You dragged me here.”

“You preferred the road you were on?”

He said nothing as I held the door for him.

The restaurant was small and warm with high, peaked ceilings and wooden accents. A fire burned hot on one side, and small wooden tables were scattered throughout with red-checkered tablecloths. One wall was entirely windowed, and it gave a beautiful view of the slopes we’d be riding the following day. They were lit up on both sides and packed with skiers already.

Our conversation stalled as we settled into a pair of seats at a table near the window. A waitress, dressed in black with a plaid apron, skipped over and took our drink orders, explained the specials, and left us to peruse our menus.

“Get what you want. I’m taking care of the bill this weekend.”

Kaiden’s dark gaze found mine over his menu and dropped again almost immediately. I tried not to stare. Tried not to take in the way his lashes swept his cheeks or the habit he’d had since he was a kid of pursing his lips when deep in thought. A day’s worth of scruff looked good on him, and I caught myself studying the angle of his jaw. Snapping my attention to the menu, I chastised myself—again—as I ignored the warmth creeping up my neck.

After our drinks arrived and we’d placed our orders—hamburgers and fries, thank you Jagger—Kaiden spent a lengthy amount of time engrossed in our surroundings.

“Are we going home in July?”

I sipped my ginger ale and raised a brow. “Why July?”

Kaiden dead-panned like I was asking the most ridiculous question. I fished around my head for an answer but came up blank. In my mind, there was no reason to go home anytime soon. The torment we’d left behind didn’t need to be revisited. Mom would barely notice, and Kaiden needed a better life. That better life was in Port Raven.

With me.

“For Mom,” he said when I kept staring. He rolled his eyes. “Elijah’s birthday, Emerson. Just because you went off the map for four years doesn’t mean things changed. It’s twenty-five years this July. This one will be important for her.”

Shit, how had I forgotten that?

It was the one time of year our mother took any real notice of our existence. Not because she suddenly remembered she had two other children to care for, but because celebrating Elijah’s birthday was the biggest event left in her world. Every year since he was born, she celebrated his birthday with more enthusiasm and exuberance than Kaiden and I had ever seen on ours. The reality had stung a lot more when we were younger, and it had been up to me to ensure Kaiden especially didn’t get forgotten or lost in the shuffle.

Elijah’s birthday involved cake, a walk down memory lane with pictures, stories, and lit candles, then, it ended with a heart-wrenching visit to the cemetery where my mother came apart all over again like it had happened yesterday. Every year, she invited friends and family, but every year, less and less people came. Life went on for everyone except our mother.

Watching the endless suffering year after year was soul-crushing. After all that time missing him and no improvement in her mental health, it was clear our mother would probably die broken-hearted someday, never fully recovered from the loss of her child.

The only other day on the calendar that bore any significance in our mother’s life was the day Elijah died. That anniversary was worse. Unlike his birthday, it was a day of mourning and tears. The years were swallowed up one by one, but she grieved just as profoundly as she had on day one. Every year, Kaiden and I had been sucked into her broken world and drowned by her sorrows.

“With me gone, she’s going to be a mess. More of a mess,” he corrected. “The first year you weren’t there was hell. She waited by the window for you to arrive for half the day. Made me sit at the table, staring at his cake and pictures because you’d be there any minute. She couldn’t fathom you not showing up.”

I cringed. Not once had I considered heading home. I’d been consumed with the disastrous boat incident and didn’t spare a second thought to our mother. Oh, how selfish I’d been.

“She didn’t call me or remind me.” But I knew things like that didn’t cross her mind sometimes. There was a certain expectation. “Was she mad?”

“Not that she expressed. When you didn’t come, it was as though she switched off and all that mattered was the structure of the day. The following years she didn’t wait for you. But if we both aren’t there…”

He didn’t need to finish his thought. “We’ll go.”

As much as I didn’t support the unhealthy, prolonged grief, I refused to be part of any future suffering. Mom had been through enough.

The waitress arrived with our food, and Kaiden picked at his meal, his forehead creased. It had always been harder for him. Mom had shown him the least attention, and he’d fought his whole life for less than an ounce of her love. My heart ached watching him. He hadn’t even been alive when Elijah lived. It wasn’t Kaiden’s fault. He was born out of desperation and my mother’s need to mend her hurt. Sadly, it had been the wrong decision on my parents’ part.

The urge to squeeze Kaiden in an embrace and tell him I’d always love him was overpowering. If I could crawl across the table and take away an ounce of his pain, I would. At one time, it would have been acceptable. But I’d ruined that. If I made such a gesture now, he’d blow it out of proportion. We were supposed to be mending, not breaking apart again.

“I’m sorry, Kai. I didn’t think coming home for any reason was a good idea back then. We… things between us were broken. In my mind, irreparably broken. Elijah’s birthday wasn’t even on my radar, to be honest. It was only you.”

He shrugged and looked out the window. “It’s in the past.”

In the past. Forgiven and forgotten?

Doubtful.

We ate most of our meal in silence. Kaiden’s attention fully trained on the skiers outdoors. It was good to see a hint of excitement out-shadowing the haze he’d been carrying around since we’d reunited. His dark eyes shone with expectation and anticipation. A shimmer of life I’d missed seeing. Making Kaiden happy was the priority of the weekend. I needed to wash away the constant tension between us. Lock away all inappropriate thoughts and never let them out again.

Back at the cabin, Kaiden flipped on the TV and shuffled through the sad excuse for options while I cleaned up and got ready for bed first. He’d changed into lounge pants with no T-shirt while I was in the bathroom and was sprawled like a starfish across his bed, face propped in his hand when I returned into the room.

“TV sucks here.”

“People don’t come for the TV.” I folded my clothes and fit them into my bag. “What time should I set the alarm?”

“What time do the lifts start running?” He dragged his eyes from the program, watching as I pulled back the covers and crawled into my own bed.

“Seven. As does the rental shop.”

“Then set it for six. I want to be first in line and not miss a minute of ski-time tomorrow. I say we forgo eating altogether.”

“Yes, cuz that’s wise. We’re stopping for lunch, and we’re eating a proper breakfast. Do you remember Blue Mountain?”

Kaiden smirked and flicked his gaze to the TV, shutting it off before shifting to his side and facing me. “Blue Mountain was awesome.”

I made quick work of setting the alarm and chucked my phone on the end table before quirking a brow. “Two kids with broken bones under my watch was not my idea of awesome.”

Kaiden laughed and rolled his eyes. “It had nothing to do with not eating.”

“Remind me again what happened halfway down the black diamond?”

Kaiden pinched his lips, working hard to ward off a smile. “It was legit a tricky ride.”

“Kaiden?”

“What?”

“Answer the question.”

“I got dizzy.”

“And?”

“And passed out. I fell.”

“Collided with Josh, rolled ass over teakettle until… what was it that finally halted you?”

“A tree,” he mumbled, the small dimple in his left cheek more pronounced against his unshaven face. “To be fair, Josh broke his arm, my ankle was only fractured.”

“Same difference. And what did the medic team tell you?”

Kaiden lobbed a pillow at my head, laughing. “The medic team said it was all your fault. I distinctly remember something about dehydration and low blood sugar.”

“Mmhm, and I had to cater to your sorry ass for six weeks while you healed. I’m not doing that again.”

“You liked it.”

I bit the inside of my cheek instead of responding, because, taking care of Kaiden during those six weeks marked the beginning of my sinful thoughts. He’d felt so sorry for himself because it had ruined the rest of his winter, so I’d stuck by his side and made it my duty to keep him smiling. I’d blamed myself.

“You were so upset.”

That was a year and a half before the boat party incident. He’d been eighteen, and I was twenty-two.

Kaiden’s gaze turned inward and something in his smile softened. “I remember that. Fuck that was a miserable winter.”

“So, breakfast and a lunch break tomorrow. No arguing.”

I squared him with a mock-stern look which he held. It became a silent stare-off like when we were kids, neither of us willing to break before the other.

“Are you listening, Kaiden? No arguments about tomorrow, you hear?”

His nod was nearly imperceptible. Something… something in his dark brown eyes rattled me. They glimmered with more than a simple promise… it was…what was it? My breathing hitched with the flutter in my gut, and he turned abruptly, ending the game, and burying his face in his pillow before I could figure out exactly what I’d seen.

“Shut the light off,” he mumbled.

I leaned over the nightstand between the beds as I studied the back of his head. Hesitating, wanting to read his face again and see his expression before casting us into darkness, I didn’t follow through.

“Kaiden?”

“Turn the light off, Emery.” His pillow-muffled voice trembled slightly—or did I imagine it?

I turned off the light.

 

* * *

 

“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.”

I smacked Kaiden’s exposed thigh where it stuck out of the blankets. His pajama pants were riding low, and the crack of his ass was more than exposed. It resurfaced the dream I’d barely escaped from moments ago and recalled the painful erection I’d awoken with as well. The one which had needed to go ignored due to the shared quarters and inappropriateness of the visions that clung to my mind.

It was far too tempting to smack Kaiden’s ass instead—which would have been fine if I hadn’t fucking drawn a deep line in our relationship. A line I danced along constantly, if not in reality, then definitely in my fantasies.

He drew his knees up to his chest, encouraging his pants to slip further as he mumbled protests about the early hour. My blood warmed at the sight, rejuvenating my morning conundrum, and I turned away before I did something stupid.

“Your phone is fucking lying. It’s the middle of the night. Fuck off.” His voice was rough and scratchy, drowned out by the pillow under his head.

“Afraid not. You want on those hills when they open, then we get up—now. Hop in a shower. It will wake you up.”

He didn’t move. Nor did he argue. I watched him for a beat before going about my business and dressing for a day on the slopes. There was a kitchen in the cabin with the bare minimum: a beer fridge, tiny microwave, and most importantly, a coffee pot. I tore into one of the packets of complimentary coffee and started it up, hoping the smell might entice Kaiden out of bed. There would be better at the chalet, but I needed to get him moving somehow.

Once it had completed its cycle, I downed a mug, used the washroom, and repacked my duffle bag for something to do. Kaiden still hadn’t moved. In fact, the soft air passing over his lips told me he’d fallen back to sleep.

“Kaiden!”

Nothing.

“Kaiden!” I said louder and with more of an edge to my voice.

He stirred, shifting his head to face away from me and folded his hands under his chin in the adorable way he’d done since childhood. “Leave me alone,” he murmured, his words strung together and barely audible.

I checked the time. It was twenty to seven. At the rate he was going, we had no chance of being on the hills when they opened—not if we were eating breakfast. The restaurant would be busy, the line up at the rental shop probably longer than I’d like, and Kaiden wasn’t exactly swift on his feet when he crawled out of bed.

Some things clearly hadn’t changed. Teenage-Kaiden lingered more than I liked some days.

I tossed my phone on my bed and strode to his, kneeling with one knee and leaning over him. I shook his shoulder. “Kaiden, seriously, get up.”

Even though I didn’t anticipate him taking a swing at me, the responsive action was sleep-impaired and slow. I caught his arm mid-flight before it connected, and he growled, “Fuck off, Emerson.”

No. No way. Not happening.

Twisting his wrist, I forced him onto his back and grabbed his chin with my other hand in a pinching grip. I ignored the pleasant scratch of his scruff under the pads of my fingers. Ignored the impulse to move my thumb along his jaw.

His eyes flew open.

Pressing the weight of an arm against his chest, I pinned him to the bed. Our faces were close. Mere inches separated us. I didn’t want to do it. In my core, I knew I was pouring gasoline onto a fire I was working desperately to smother. Why did Kaiden draw out this side of me? Why did I feel so compelled to take this approach?

It was the only way I knew he’d listen.

“Get. Up.” I held his gaze without flinching, watched his pupils respond, listened to the tiny exhale that past through his parted lips, and felt the thrum of his pulse increase under my thumb. “I didn’t come here to spend half the day watching you sleep. Get out of bed on your own or I will help you get out of bed, and I promise you, Kaiden, you don’t want that.”

Because God help me, I was so close to that damn line I was scaring myself.

Wide brown eyes remained locked on my own. He was frozen by more than my physical grasp. It was the look I feared most, the one that tore me open and tested the boundaries of my self-control. Submission. A surrendering of power. I didn’t move or breathe. I didn’t dare.

Kaiden eventually blinked, breaking the spell, and licked his lips. It took all the power in the universe not to shift my gaze and follow the trail of his tongue, lean in and remind myself of the things I’d tried hard to forget.

What the fuck was wrong with me? Was I so broken I couldn’t sever this connection?

“I’ll get up,” he whispered.

His yielding tone vibrated through every part of my body and heated my blood to uncomfortable levels. Each breath I dragged into my lungs did nothing to nurture the thirst for air suffocating me. For a beat, I couldn’t move. Didn’t want to. His eyes. His lips. The warmth of his body beneath me.

What was I doing?

“Emerson?”

I rattled myself free of the paralyzing awareness holding me prisoner. Kaiden swallowed, the movement catching the sensitive skin of my wrist. Suddenly aware of my continued hold on his chin, I let go and moved off the bed. My heart galloped out of control as I spun and made for the door.

“I’m going to get our ski gear from the truck.”

Nothing from four years ago was buried. Not even a little bit. I was truly nothing more than a disgusting human being who was sexually drawn to his brother. My fucking brother!