Chapter Fifteen

 

Emerson

I fell into bed with my heart racing, hands shaking, and the ghosting memory of Kaiden’s body and lips so close to my own. The tumbling thoughts in my brain were out of order and swarming me with a combination of terror and excitement. Two conflicting emotions that should never be paired. The truth was out. Based on what Kaiden said, the truth had never been hidden. All those sinful thoughts, moral dilemmas, and impure fantasies I’d had over the years surfaced in a frenzy. Was it possible Kaiden felt it too? Or, was he drunk and setting a trap, so he’d have an excuse to escape back to the life he once had.

The state of his dick couldn’t have been faked. That was real, and it was mind-numbingly riveting. The prospect, the sheer possibility, that Kaiden was right there with me was almost too hard to believe. Too much to hope for. Pandora’s box had been cracked open less than ten minutes ago in my living room, and I was unable to process the meaning behind what had happened or the possibilities of where we might land.

I tossed and turned all night, wondering just what the morning would bring. Would Kaiden be gone? Would he flee during the night and never look back? Did he regret what he’d done? And what if he didn’t? If he approached me in the morning and told me it was real, then what? Where did we go from there?

At five in the morning, I gave up on sleep and rolled out of bed to find coffee. What I didn’t expect was to find Kaiden already sitting at the kitchen table in the dark, eyes trained on the far wall, unblinking, unmoving. Like a stone statue, he seemed lost in a moment of contemplation or shock. Indecision perhaps?

Tallying the hours that had passed, I determined he probably wasn’t drunk anymore. Hungover, maybe, except a half-finished glass of water sat in front of him, telling me he’d at least been keeping hydrated.

I stalled in the doorway, examining his posture and hesitating, unsure what the outcome of my appearance might be. Without a word, I crept across the room to the far counter and the coffee machine. I worked slowly and methodically without turning around as I set it to brew. Then, I leaned on the counter and watched him as he continued to gaze at the wall. He didn’t look over. The longer I stood there, the denser the air grew. Instantly, I knew in my heart he regretted what he’d done.

Neither of us spoke. When the coffee was ready, I pulled a mug from the cupboard and paused, working up the courage to say something.

“You want a coffee?” The silence stretched, so I glanced over my shoulder to his unmoving frame. “Kai?”

He flinched, but instead of answering, he shifted out of the chair and left the room. A few minutes later, the front door clicked. He was gone. My heart clenched as I visualized the downward slide ahead of us. There was no more denial. No more heavy secret weighing us down. I’d come clean, and Kaiden was forced to swallow my confession whole.

 

* * *

 

Every day of the following week was the same. Apart from a few mumbled exchanges in passing, Kaiden remained distant. He lived in his room, only coming out when absolutely necessary. There was no eye contact, he never joined me for a meal, and he avoided me at all costs.

The tension mounted unlike ever before. Every day, another weighted brick was added to the pile. We drifted further apart, the strings holding us bound grew taut enough I feared they would snap and I’d lose him for good.

When I expected him to flounder, abandon responsibility, or perhaps look for a way to go back home, he surprised me. He continued to work and showed up for basketball practice after school Tuesday and Thursday. I could count on one hand the number of words we exchanged, but I reminded myself, he was still there.

His presence, no matter how strained and rigid, gave me hope.

Could it be buried again? Did I need to make it clear that I would never make a pass at him when I knew he didn’t want me to? How hard of a blow was it to learn your brother was sexually attracted to you? How many lines had I crossed? How many apologies would I have to make?

Every gut-curdling fear was my own because there wasn’t a single soul in the world I could go to for support.

The second week of silence took its toll worse than the first. Enough that Jagger knew something was up. Just after the end of the second period on Thursday, as my students still filtered out the door for lunch, he slipped into the room.

As I cleaned the whiteboard, he remained quietly by the door, waiting until the last body disappeared into the hall, then, he closed us in and took a stance with his hands on his hips. If he wasn’t dressed in slacks and a dress shirt in the middle of a high school, I’d have thought he was about to lay me out by the raw emotion in his eyes.

“Start talking.”

“What?”

“You’ve got some obvious shit going on, and you’re going to lay your cards on the table right now so we can figure it out, because otherwise, your attitude is going to get you in shit. People are talking.”

I flinched and abandoned the board, sinking into my desk chair instead. “What people? Talking about what? I’m fine, and it’s none of their business.”

“Contradiction.”

“What?”

“I’m fine and it’s none of their business is a contradiction. Which is it?”

I tilted my head back, massaging my temples as I squeezed my eyes closed. “I’m fine. It’s nothing. I’m just tired and have a bitch of a headache, okay? Can we not do this?”

His heavy footfalls grew closer, and the screech of a desk sliding on the ground told me Jagger was getting comfortable and there was no chance of escape.

“Is it Kaiden?”

Even hearing his name made my stomach flip over. I’d endured almost two solid weeks of silence. Even if he’d called me a pervert or told me to fuck off, it would have been something. But instead, the chasm grew larger day by day.

I’d analyzed our encounter so many times, I was beginning to forget what was real and what was imagined. The truth was in there somewhere. Was the truth in Kaiden’s eyes that night? Was it in the desire I’d seen behind blown pupils, wandering fingers that graced my skin, or the steely erection he’d pressed against me? Or was the truth in his silence? Was it four years of avoidance, cold shoulders, and indifference?

I was going insane as I hung in limbo.

“What the hell, Emery? Look at you. You’re lost in your head, and I’m standing right here talking to you. Don’t tell me shit is fine.”

I snapped my attention to Jagger. He’d planted his ass on the edge of a desk up front but was leaning over with a grip on the edge of my desk staring at me with concern.

“Is Kaiden slipping? Are you two having issues? This has been going on ever since our failed night out, I get the feeling shit isn’t good with you two.”

“Kaiden is…” I swallowed and fished for something to say. “We’re just… Umm…”

How the hell could I begin to explain something like this? This was worse than being a gay man in the closet—which I’d told myself at seventeen I never wanted to be. If Kaiden and I had moved forward—which that obviously wasn’t happening—we could never tell anyone. Not in a million years would it ever be okay. It wasn’t just illegal, but people responded with disgust. Anyone I’d ever known who’d read The Game of Thrones always said the same thing about Cersei and Jamie’s relationship. It was paired with words like abominable, gross, creepy, nauseating. The list went on and on.

Jagger waited patiently for me to speak.

I cleared my throat and tried again. “Mending broken bridges hasn’t been easy. Kai and I have a lot of shit to sort out.”

That sounded reasonable, and for the most part, it was truthful. Jagger turned my statement around his head as his eyes flitted over my face.

“Can I ask you something?”

My pulse drummed in my ears, and I bit the inside of my cheek to contain any outward trepidation. There was no way he knew. He’d always been curious why my brother and I hadn’t spoken in four years. Based on my insistent silence, he probably deduced it was something I’d done which I was ashamed of. Which was exactly the truth.

“Sure.” I cursed the weakness in my voice but forced myself to keep his gaze.

“Okay, but don’t take offense to what I say. I’m only asking this because I know your personality.”

Fuck.

“Spit it out.”

“Whatever happened back then, did it involve you hurting him? Like, did you beat the piss out of him or something? Was it violent? Did something get out of control?”

I flinched like I’d been physically slapped across the face. “What? No! I’ve never laid a hand on Kaiden. Ever. Are… You seriously think I’d hurt him like that?”

Jagger held his hands up, placating my sudden fury. “Calm down. It was a question.”

“Why would you even think that?”

“Because you’re a control freak, Emerson. You’re bossy as all hell. You like things your way or no way. If nineteen-year-old Kaiden was a little shit with you, I just thought maybe you lost it and crossed lines trying to force him to comply.”

“Jesus!” I flew out of my chair and paced, ripping a hand through my hair. “I’d never, Jagger. You think I’m that hot-tempered that I’d be violent?”

“I don’t know, man. Everyone has limits. Everyone makes mistakes. I’m not accusing you, it was just a question.”

“I’ve never touched him.” … Like that. What I did is probably considered way worse.

“Then what is it? Em, you’re falling apart. Your head isn’t in the game.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and blew out an exhausted breath. “I don’t want to talk about it, Jag. I can’t. It’s really personal. You’ll just have to be okay with that answer.”

Jagger sighed and rose from his perch, skirted my desk, and stood in front of me. “You know I’m here if you need anything. We can talk. Whatever is wrong.”

“Thanks.”

A light knock drew both of our attention. Alexa stood in the open door of the classroom, gaze fixed on the doorknob where she drew a finger around its surface. That door had been shut. How long had she been standing there?”

“Alexa. How can I help you?”

“I knocked twice. No one answered, so I came in to put this on your desk. The assignment I missed. You and Mr. Hyatt were engaged. I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“The polite thing to do would be to acknowledge a closed door and respect privacy,” Jagger snapped.

“It’s fine.”

I rested a hand on Jagger’s arm and waved Alexa in. Not once did she look in our direction as she weaved between desks and approached. In all the weeks I’d had her as a student, I could count on one hand the amount of eye contact I’d received.

She placed the paper in my outstretched hand, brushing her fingers over mine. They lingered too long, and I pulled back, noting the faint smile crossing her lips.

“Is there practice tonight?” she asked while rocking on her toes, twisting her lips one way then the other. Her gaze landed on mine for a fleeting moment, her lashes fluttering before she studied the floor.

“Yes.” I skimmed the page she’d handed me. It was an assignment from the previous week. The top of the page was filled with sketches of hearts and roughly drawn sunsets. There were silhouettes of two people holding hands, but there were no distinguishing details. “I can’t give you full credit for this. It was due last Friday.”

She shrugged, toed the floor and tapped her fingers along the seam of her pants. “The guy you were talking about, he’s the one who coaches the senior girl’s basketball with you, isn’t he?”

“Excuse me?”

“Are you friends?”

“He’s my brother, why?”

She ignored the comment and her gaze flicked to the paper she’d handed me. She lifted a hand and smoothed a finger over the drawing of the people. “We could do this someday. Watch the sunset.”

“Umm…” I pulled the paper from her reach and set it on my desk. “That’s inappropriate, Alexa. You should run along and get your lunch before the bell.”

“Have you ever read Gone with the Wind?”

Jagger cocked a brow when I met his gaze. I blew out a breath and subtly maneuvered us closer to the door. “Sorry, no I haven’t.”

“It’s my favorite.” She rocked on her feet again then moved to the door. I thought she was going when she flipped back around and met my gaze fully. “Goodbye, Mr. Cartwright.”

Once she’d cleared the door, I closed it and leaned on its surface a little weirded out by the entire exchange.

“Umm, what the hell was that?” Jagger said, grinning.

I sighed. “An uncomfortable disaster waiting to happen.”

“Someone has a major crush going on by the look of it. Sunsets and Gone with the Wind? Yikes.”

“Yeah. Remember back before reading week, the day before I went home when we stayed late to grade papers?”

“Yeah.”

“Remember that parent who came in and begged I take his daughter into my class because she’d failed Mrs. Tremble’s the semester before?”

“Oh, my God, that’s her?”

“Yeah.”

Jagger flipped his gaze to the closed classroom door and back to my face.

“What’s her story? She seems a little… odd. Is she as awful as we guessed?”

“No. Well, yes. I don’t know. Something feels off, but I can’t put my finger on it.”

“You mean besides the fact that she’s flirting with you and drawing you pictures on her work?”

I shrugged. “And it’s not the first time.” Confused and too tired to sort through all the puzzles suddenly encasing my life, I rattled my head and aimed for my desk.

“Aww, the joys of hormone-laden teenagers. Good luck, brother.”

Alexa’s behavior was concerning, but I didn’t have room for it in my brain at the moment with everything I was dealing with at home.

“How about you join me for dart league tonight?” Jagger suggested. “After my required games, we can chill and enjoy a few beers. Unless you quit drinking again already, in which case, you suck.”

I nodded absently. “Yeah, I could do that. Let me get through practice tonight, and I’ll run home and change. I’ll meet you at yours, and we can go together.”

 

* * *

 

“You up for a game?” Jagger asked, strolling away from his dart buddies to where I sat at a table near the wall nursing a cold beer.

The league had finished their matches and had dispersed to small groupings around the bar. Jagger snagged his warming beer from the table and drained it before setting it back down empty.

“Yeah, sure, why not.”

I didn’t play a lot of darts but enjoyed a random game now and again with Jagger. He’d been in the league since we were in college, so he kicked my ass quite regularly, happily gloating his wins every time.

“Let me grab another round. You go take a few practice-throws, so I don’t embarrass you too quickly.”

He handed off a box which contained his personal darts from home and slapped me on the shoulder, chuckling at the sneer I aimed in his direction. As he weaved through the crowd, I claimed a board and tossed a few miserably weak tries until he returned with more beer.

How easily I’d caved. Four years without drinking because of guilt and shame, fearing alcohol was the root cause of my unacceptable actions and thoughts. I knew, even then, it was an excuse. Alcohol didn’t bring on the attraction to Kaiden. It had always been there. Inebriation simply made it easier to act. Since I had nothing left to hide, there was no reason for continual sobriety.

“Ready to get your ass kicked?” Jagger scribbled a score tally on a scrap paper and set it aside with our beers. “We’re playing five-o-one. I’ll even let you go first.”

I chuckled and positioned myself behind the line. “Like that will make a difference.”

The night out was nice. I didn’t know how stressed I was until it began to lift. Halfway through our game, with Jagger so far ahead of me it was laughable, we found a comfortable, friendly conversation that helped me forget all my troubles.

“Mama wants you there. Are you going to disappoint her? You know how she gets. You’re her sweet other filius. The bonum puer.”

I laughed. Jagger’s mom had always teased that I was the only reason Jagger had ever settled down and finished college. She called me her “adopted son,” or “filius” since she’d taught Latin in her day and used it regularly. I loved the woman. The fact that she made some of the best food I’d ever eaten only made me love her more.

“I wouldn’t miss Mama Hyatt’s cooking for anything.”

“Excellent. No birthday presents necessary, no matter what she tells you. I hate that shit. There’ll be cake aplenty. If Kaiden wants to come, bring him too.”

I let the statement fall away as I took my turn tossing darts. Ten. Double eight. Fourteen. Unless we found common ground again, I couldn’t see Kaiden wanting to go to Jagger’s birthday at his mother’s place.

I shook my head at my pathetic score. “I swear I was aiming for the twenty. Is Madeline going?”

Madeline was a girl Jagger had taken out a few times recently. He hadn’t spoken much about her so I couldn’t be sure if it was developing into something or not. Jagger could be private with a lot of things, and other times, his filter was non-existent, and I got more details than were necessary.

His crinkled nose and shrug told the tale.

“Nah, we don’t really click. I haven’t called her in a week.”

“Oh well. There are plenty more fish in the sea, right? Look around. There’s probably a dozen hot, single women in this bar alone.”

Jagger scoffed before taking his turn, landing a triple twenty and two eighteens, bringing his total under a hundred.

“Have you looked around, my friend? The only eyes on us right now belong to a blond who's been staring at your ass half the night.” He nodded across the room.

“What?”

I spun, scanning the area and every woman with blonde hair, looking for the culprit.

“The guy leaning on the end of the bar in the black T-shirt and jeans.”

I zeroed in on the gawking patron. It didn’t surprise me that it was someone I knew. Unless we were in a gay bar, guys didn’t often openly admire other men unless they knew for certain they were barking up the right tree.

“Fuck no. That’s Jordan Morrison. Never again. He can stare at my ass all he wants, but that isn’t happening.”

Jagger laughed as I turned back to our game with a shudder, stepping up to take my turn.

“That bad?”

“I can’t stand a toppy bottom.”

Jagger covered his face with a hand, his shoulders shaking with his laughter. “Fuck, man, I’m an English major, and I swear you’ve taught me a world of vocabulary in the past few years I never knew before.”

“You’re welcome.”

“What’s sad is how fluently I speak gay. It doesn’t surprise me. I didn’t peg you for a bottom. So, you’re a control freak in the bedroom, too, I see.”

“Was that a question?” I tossed my second dart and missed the board altogether. “Fuck, I suck at this.”

“An observation.”

“Yeah. I like being in charge. Is that wrong?”

“No. So what, you subscribe to the whole Dom/sub thing, is that it? I can totally see you into the BDSM scene.”

I shrugged, retrieving my darts. “Not really. The scene is too much for me. I tried, briefly. I just like having a hint of it in my relationships. It’s fun sometimes. I don’t want a toppy bottom like Jordan. I want someone who doesn’t mind giving up control. Then, I want to take care of all their needs. I want their pleasure to be up to me. I want them to trust me and let me be in charge.”

“Not shocked at all.” Jagger sipped his beer and quirked a brow. “How the fuck did we end up talking about this?”

“I don’t know. You brought it up. Shit! End the game already before I share too much, and we have to end our friendship.”

“See, bossy, I knew it.”

We shared a laugh and finished our game before finding a seat and ordering a few appetizers. It was a relaxing evening, and for once, I was able to let go of all thoughts of Kaiden and our predicament.