Sometimes I think that part of me is just too manly. I mean, the first thing I do when I hit a rough patch is head straight to the closest bar and order a martini. Thankfully, I’m never alone when that happens.

“You did what?” Julia asks me, her jaw dropping so much that I wouldn’t be surprised if it hit the floor. “Please, tell me I’ve heard wrong.”

“No, you’ve heard right.”

“Are you insane, Athena?” Julia continues, that tone of complete disbelief coating every word that leaves her mouth.

“No, I’m… I’m in love,” I say, looking at her and doing my best to hold her gaze.

“Jesus…” she mutters under her own breath, ordering two more shots of tequila by waving her empty glass at the waiter. We’re both sitting by the stools lining the counter and, even though the bar is almost empty, the music is loud enough to drown out our voices. “Let me get this straight. So, you’ve invested all of your personal assets anonymously in Malcolm’s company, right? To save him?”

“Yeah,” I nod with a sigh. “Even if he admits he loves me and signs the declaration, putting it all down into writing, his company will have a financial net to fall back on. But I’m not even sure if that’s going to happen now… I haven’t heard from him in God knows how long.”

“I’m sorry, babe, but you have officially lost your mind. You know that, don’t you? It was cheaper when you were just a slut.” she says to me with a wink, but her tone is so jolly that I can’t help but smile. That’s Julia for you—from disbelief and anger to excitement faster than you can snap your fingers. Some friendships are like that, a true rollercoaster. And God bless her for that; I’d have gone crazy by now if it weren’t for her.

“Yup, I’ve finally lost it, Julia.”

“Well, at least you’re honest about that,” she shrugs. “Nothing left to do except drink to your madness, then,” she chuckles, raising her shot of tequila up in the air. I do the same, touching my glass with hers, and then we drink it at the same time.

“But, seriously, Athena,” she continues after the usual grimace that follows the bitter tequila, “if you love him this much, enough to sink both your company and your personal life … I don’t know, but maybe you should tell him the truth about everything.”

“I… I don’t know about that, Julia…”

Look, I know that she’s right, but I simply can’t bring myself to do it, okay? In a way, I’m afraid of letting it all out in the open. I have no idea how he’d react to the truth, and I’m not sure if I want to find out. What if… he hates me? He’ll be mad at me, that’s for sure, but what I fear the most is that he’ll be disappointed with me.

I have no idea when my change from cold-hearted to hopeless romantic happened, but the fact that it happened remains. And, even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. Well, I’d wipe Ben off the whole thing (that bastard could be wiped off the face of the Earth, for all I care), but I’d keep all the rest.

“You don’t know about that?” Julia slams her empty shot glass onto the table, doing it so hard that even the two bartenders behind the counter jump back. “How the hell can you say that? Oh, I don’t know about that, Julia,” she starts mimicking my voice, doing a very lousy and exaggerated impression of me. Perhaps watching a frown on my face, she sighs heavily and then asks one of the bartenders for another round.

“Look,” she continues, this time more gently than before, “you’ve committed both your company and your personal assets, right? And you did it to protect him. Even if he gets mad at first, if he’s the man you say he is … he’ll eventually see what a great woman he has.”

“It’s not that easy… I mean, I’ve basically colluded with Ben. I tried to destroy his company, and I --”

“Oh, girl, stop being so dramatic!” she sighs again, exasperated, and runs one hand through her already disheveled hair. “It won’t be the end of the world, trust me.”

“You’re single, Julia. It’s not like you’re an expert in relationships,” I tell her, and now it’s her time to frown.

“Thanks for that, Miss I-got-a-hot-boyfriend.”

“I’m sorry… This whole thing is just stressing me out.”

“And that’s exactly why you need to tell him everything,” she finishes, drinking her shot without waiting for me. Following her lead, I drink mine as well, throwing my head back and closing my eyes as the bitter taste of the tequila claws at my tongue and throat. Ugh.

“I know, but...”

“But…?”

“God, Julia, is it that hard for you to understand?” I ask her, smiling at her even though I feel my heart breaking inside my chest. “I’m ashamed of the things I did… of the things I let Ben talk me into. I’ve never been that kind of person, and I’m ashamed of myself. And I don’t know if I can take the disappointment in his eyes as I tell him everything, I really don’t…” The words flow out of me in a torrent, and I feel tears stinging my eyes. I grit my teeth and breathe in deeply through my nose, trying to calm myself.

“Hey, hey… It’s gonna be okay,” Julia whispers, placing her hand on top of mine and squeezing it softly.

“I don’t… I don’t want Malcolm to know that person, the one I became when I… when I started working for Ben,” I tell her, having no idea on how the hell I’m managing not to burst into tears.

“No! You can’t say bullshit like that, Athena! You never worked for Ben; he was blackmailing you. It’s completely different.”

“I know, but --”

“Not buts or ifs, Athena. You’ve told me that you love Malcolm, and I believe you. I really do. But love without trust… It’s worthless,” she says, her final words becoming just a whisper.

How do you even argue with something like that?