I flopped down on the mattress and bounced on the springy coils as it squeaked. R.J. laughed lightly as he shut and locked the hotel room door and tossed our bags on the only table in the room. The curtains were wide open and he frowned, pulling them closed tightly.

“No unwanted eyes,” he reminded me as we both cleared our throats in the awkward silence that followed.

“Listen Rae –” he began at the same time I spoke.

“R.J., I don’t –”

We both laughed.

“You first,” he gestured as he sat next to me, “I’d like to know what’s on your mind.”

I chewed my bottom lip as our eyes met, “You haven’t been truthful with me R.J.”

“No, I haven’t Rae. That was for your benefit as much as my best friend.”

I nodded. I already knew that was his answer, but I wanted to know why he chose this moment to reveal his feelings. Or even why he did it at all, “I understand that R.J. but why now?”

“Your kiss,” he answered immediately.

“At the safe house?”

“Yeah,” he answered with a slight blush gracing his high cheekbones.

How cute.

“R.J., that was unfair of me. I did that to spite Pete, nothing more.”

“I know darlin’,” he leaned forward until our mouths nearly touched. “But I had to know if the kisses we shared after that one could mean something more.”

Well, that was an unexpected response.

My eyes widened, “You did?”

“Yes, because I love you, Rae. I have for nearly as long as Pete.”

“Does he know?” I asked, refusing to say his name. I was still mad at Peter.

“Yeah, it’s not a secret. At least not for a long time. He’s known for years.”

I tilted my head, confused, “Who decided I wasn’t allowed to know? You or him?”

“I did,” he answered with conviction. “It was my choice to tell you, Rae. If and when I decided to tell you at all. Today was the first time I looked at you and knew I had to say something. After that kiss, I knew I would regret it the rest of my life if I didn’t take the opportunity to reveal the truth.”

“That makes sense,” I admitted, sighing. “Where does this leave us R.J.?”

“I don’t know Rae. My feelings won’t change, so I’ve done what I set out to do. All except for one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“I want to kiss you, not with Peter around or on your mind, not with danger lurking around the corner, and not with an audience. I want you to clear your mind. Let everything go and relax. Can you do that?”

“I can’t,” I whispered.

This was dangerous ground, and I wasn’t quite comfortable. Being with R.J. felt like I was cheating on Peter, but I wasn’t. It was nothing but a simple kiss between friends earlier at the cabin. Nothing more.

Right?

“Close your eyes my little darlin’.”

Internally I cringed. Maybe I should stop this. R.J.’s arms pulled me closer into his embrace. This was a bad idea. “I’m sorry R.J.”

His blue eyes were pained, “I understand Rae.”

I blushed, feeling sad for him and knowing that I cared but not the way he would desire, “You know how I feel about Pete.”

“Are you sorry I told you?”

“I’m happy I know the truth.”

Happy that I could let him down easy because I needed to do that before we left this hotel room. I think I was happy that he trusted me and cared enough to reveal his feelings. Secrets tore people apart and I hated them.

His answering grin melted any uncomfortable feelings we might have had, “Me too.”

I let him pull me closer to his chest and nestled my head on his shoulder. We’ve snuggled before, but up until this moment, I never thought about what it meant to him.

R.J. squeezed my arm with a soft sigh and cleared his throat, “I’m not going to ask you to give me answers right now. Someday soon you’ll have to think about today, and when you come to a decision, I want you to tell me right away, good or bad.”

I felt his kiss drop on the top of my head, “I will R.J. I promise.”

“We’re best friends first Rae, no matter what, and I don’t want to lose that because of today.”

His honesty meant the world to me, “Me either. I won’t let that happen to us.”

“Good.”

We lay in silence for long minutes, both of us internalizing the drastic change of events. I knew this kiss was pivotal in my relationship, make that friendship, with R.J. and I wanted to take time to consider what happened honestly. I needed to explore what this declaration of feelings meant for us and how it affected my relationship with Peter.

I was angry at him, but I loved him. Pete was my soulmate but as I lay in R.J.’s arms, I knew he was just as integral a part of my heart as Peter. Both guys had always been there for me and although I always thought of R.J. like a brother, I realized that my feelings did go slightly beyond friendship. Did they extend as far as my feelings for Peter?

No, I knew that and so I knew that choosing R.J. over Peter would never happen.

“You don’t have to say it yet Rae,” R.J. whispered in the dark, his voice low. “Let me have this one moment. Let me pretend there’s more, just this once my love.”

His love? I nearly cringed with guilt.

“Oh R.J., don’t be sad,” I pleaded, “I know I love him more but that doesn’t mean I don’t care for you.”

“Rae,” he whispered, agonized, “I’ve always known. I was stupid today, foolish, but –”

“Stop,” I ordered with my finger pressed against his lips. “Don’t fill the air with words I haven’t spoken. I love you too, maybe not the way you want but you’re important to me.” I sat up and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his cheek. “You’ve got to give me time R.J. This was a lot to find out all in one day.”

He smiled one of his famous cheesy grins that I’ve always loved, “sure thing darlin’.”

“Do me a favor,” I joked, shaking my head, “Don’t call me that in front of Peter.”

R.J.’s soft chuckle rumbled his chest as the two of us sat up against the headboard, content to be together, even if we didn’t know how to define what it meant.

Nothing mattered at that moment but my happiness and so I latched onto it, knowing reality was a malicious bitch and would soon catch up.