“The first thing you need to understand about your wife, Mr. Smirnov, is that your wife is not dumb, she is nonverbal” Doctor Hines explained speaking slowly.

I had been here for nearly an hour and already I wanted to strangle her. I wondered if she spoke to all of her clients this way. I found it belittling and highly irritating.

“I understand that. I am fully aware that my wife is not an idiot. What I am seeking is to learn how to better assist her.  How to better communicate with her.” I reiterated my earlier statement. I felt like we had been talking in circles since I walked in the door.

“Selective mutism and hearing relationship have their own special challenges.” Doctor Hines began.

Waving my hands in the air I stood abruptly. “I don’t think you’re hearing me lady. My wife isn’t selectively mute. She cannot speak. She was in an accident; there was severe trauma to her larynx. She is truly unable to speak. What I am looking for is guidance to help me better communicate with her.” I growled out as I paced the room like a lion trapped in a cage. I couldn’t understand why this woman wasn’t listening to me.

“How do you feel right now Mr. Smirnov?”

“I feel angry, anxious, frustrated, exhausted.” I explained rambling off the top emotions I was going through as I ran my hands through my hair roughly. What was the point in all of this? I didn’t understand it.

“Why do you feel that way?” She asked flatly.

If it wasn’t for my love of Heather I wouldn’t be here right now. I was told Dr. Hines was the best available in the area but quite frankly I was beginning to seriously doubt that. “You’re not listening when I speak. You’re constantly forcing me to repeat myself over and over again. I feel like we're just talking in circles.” I continued to pace the length of the office. I was sure I was wearing a path down in the Oriental rug on the floor but I was too frustrated to care.

“Imagine not being able to answer me with your words. Imagine for a second you had no way of expressing these emotions with your voice. That’s a fraction of what your wife feels. Though it isn’t just one instance in which she can’t explain it to you. It’s a constant.” Spinning around on my heels I turned to face her. The gravity of her words sinking in.

“Now I want you to tell me without using your words how you feel about your wife.”

I stood there stumped. I understood what she was getting at. It was all becoming clear to me. Now I was faced with a new set of challenges. How do I express how I feel about Heather? I loved her. Beyond a reasonable doubt I loved her. I opened my mouth to speak my jaw hinging and unhinging, like a fish out of water my mouth worked but no sound came out.

I began pointing at my chest. Dr. Hines looked at me quizzically. “Do you have heartburn?” She asked deadpan. I huffed out a breath through my nose like a bull ready to charge, my frustration getting the better of me. I tried drawing a heart across my chest my finger making harsh lines against the material of my shirt. Dr. Hines just sat there, her brows furrowed, a pointed look of confusion on her face.

“I fucking love her.’ I bellowed out throwing my hands in the air to emphasize my point.

“I rather hoped so, Mr. Smirnov.” Dr. Hines replied in her flat tone as she scribbled on the file in front of her.

I walked back to my seat dropping down into it much like a discarded sack of potatoes.

“You have been married for a month now you say?”

Annoyed I narrowed my eyes at her. “Yes.”

“How often do you practice ASL?” I looked at her in confusion. What the fuck was she getting at?

“American Sign Language?” She asked raising a perfectly sculpted brow misunderstanding my confusion. “How often do you practice signing?” She clarified.

“Every day.” I spit out.

“So you mean to tell me that you practice every day and yet you can’t sign to me that you love your wife?” She threw her pen and notebook on the table in disgust.

“I’ve been learning how to talk to her, sign good morning, ask her how she wants her eggs, how her day has been. I speak to her as I sign. I’ve been picking up more and more.” I sighed in exasperation.

“How do you communicate during sex?” My jaw nearly dropped to the floor with her boldness. I worked to make words as I struggled to reel in my shock.

“We haven’t had sex.” I managed to choke out.

“You mean to tell me that you have been married for a month and have never had sex?” She asked disbelievingly.

“I don’t know how to go about talking about it.” I answered honestly.

“When you were with a woman who could speak, did you ask her about sex?” Dr. Hines leaned forward in her chair anxiously awaiting my answer.

“No, we just kind of let things flow naturally.” I admitted.

“So because you’re wife cannot speak, she’s different right?” I felt the light go off in my head. I had been treating Heather as though she were different. Like she were made of glass when I should have been treating her like a regular woman.

“But what if it’s not what she wants?” I didn’t mask the fear and vulnerability in my voice. I let it all hang out there for the doctor to see.

“Do you believe that she is capable of saying the word no?” I chuckled in response to her question.

“She is well versed in the word no.” I admitted around a smile. Heather had no qualms about telling me no about anything. I had heard the word from her more than I had ever heard it in my life, though never when it came to sex because I never asked.  I never initiated.

“So what’s the problem?” I pointed a finger directly at her, BINGO.

“I’m picking up what you’re playing down, Doc.” I couldn’t help the ear splitting smile that slashed across my face.

“Finally, he can be taught.” She mock cheered throwing her hands in the air as though she had scored a touchdown.

“Ha ha laugh it up Doc.” I smirked.

“That concludes our session today. I want to see you here every week, same time, same place, less attitude from you.” She gave me a tight smile dismissing me.

“Yes, ma’am.” I saluted her getting up from my chair to leave.

“Oh and Ivan, just put out already.” She chuckled at my retreating form. Walking out the door I lifted my hand in a one finger salute.

I was grateful for her advice and helping me to see where I had been messing up and going about things all wrong. It didn’t mean we were best friends or that I had to like her. I mean, I had just spent the better part of an hour completely frustrated with Dr. Hines. Going in circles as she tried to pound realization into my thick skull. I had overcome one hurdle, now it was time to put it into practice. There was still so much for me to learn.