LAUREN

 

Music poured through the open doors and windows of the house, spilling onto the street and greeting us long before the shadows passing over the open spaces became people.

I gripped Gabe’s hand tightly. I still hadn’t told him. I didn’t know how to tell him. What to tell him. And tonight wasn’t the night. Tonight was a night for Gabe to enjoy himself, for Stefan to celebrate his twenty-first, for them to have some fun together.

Gabe released my hand long enough to wipe a sweaty palm down his jeans. “You okay? Your hands are all clammy.”

I looked down at my hand as though it wasn’t a part of me, instead, a stranger, and wiped it down my jeans, mimicking Gabe. “Sorry.” I swallowed the tightness at the back of my throat. “I guess I’m just a little nervous.”

“Of this lot?” Gabe jerked his thumb in the direction of the house. Two girls moved to sit in the open window, placing cigarettes between their lips and lighting the ends. It was Elise and Haleigh, the girls that came to the beach with Gabe and me not long after we had first met. I groaned and Gabe laughed, taking my hand in his again and tugging me closer, before releasing my hand and slinging his arm around my shoulder instead. He placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

A wolf whistle sounded. “Well, well, well. If it isn’t Ashton himself.” Haleigh leaned out the window, cigarette dangling from her mouth, breasts bulging from her top.

“Ashton?” I asked Gabe, but he just shook his head.

“Haleigh, Elise, you remember Lauren, right?” We stopped in front of the window and Haleigh and Elise looked over me slowly before tilting their heads to the side and taking a long drag on their cigarettes. They did it perfectly in unison as if they had been practising before our arrival. I had met Haleigh a number of times, but she still looked as though she were struggling to place me.

Finally, she smiled. “Of course,” she replied. “You work at the café with Gabe, right?”

“Actually,” Gabe said. I could see him preparing himself to tell them we were together and I didn’t want to stand there and see the smirks on their faces so I interrupted him.

“Was good to see you again, Haleigh, Elise.” I nodded to each of them and snaked my arm behind Gabe’s back, hooking my fingers into the waistband of his jeans. I tugged him towards the door, letting my actions speak the words I wouldn’t let Gabe use.

The lounge of Gabe’s flat pulsated with music, people and light. Someone had strung a disco ball in the centre of the room and particles of light danced across faces and walls. Stefan spotted Gabe across the room and raised his beer bottle, leaning back and yelling a greeting into the room. Threading his way through the heaving mass of bodies, shoving them aside when they wouldn’t move, he hugged Gabe, sweat glistening from his forehead and dampening his shirt. “You’re just in time,” Stefan said, releasing Gabe from his grasp.

“For what?” Gabe yelled, even though Stefan was standing right next to him.

Stefan cupped his hands around his mouth, funnelling the words, “Make way! Make the path clear.”

Bodies jostled and moved until a path to the coffee table appeared.  Twenty-one shot glasses filled with clear liquid lay in perfect lines across the table.

“Tradition,” Stefan yelled. “You have to do them with me.”

Gabe laughed. “I think I’ll give it a miss tonight.”

Stefan shook his head, little droplets of sweat flew from the ends of his hair and splattered across my face. I wiped them away, taking a step back, but bumping into another body when I did so.

Stefan poked a finger into Gabe’s chest. “It’s my birthday and the birthday boy gets to nominate who does the shots with him. I choose you!” Stefan threw his arms around Gabe’s neck and held him in a head brace. “You can’t say no,” Stefan yelled. He leaned closer. “I’m in no state to do all twenty-one,” he hissed. “You need to help a fella out.”

Gabe grinned and stumbled backwards when Stefan leaned heavily on him. “Do you mind?” he asked me.

I looked around the throng of people crushed into the lounge. It felt like all eyes were on me. “Mind?” I said, laughing, though it sounded strange even to my own ears. “Why would I mind?”

Gabe planted another sloppy kiss on my cheek. “Thanks.” Then he followed Stefan to the table, the clear path disappearing behind him.

I found myself on the outskirts of the crowd, pressed next to Haleigh, watching Gabe and Stefan down the shots one by one, the crowd chanting the countdown. Gabe shook his head after the fifth shot and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. His eyes widened and he let a whoop into the air. Stefan wiped his hand across his forehead, dripping with sweat. His t-shirt clung to his body in large wet patches.

“Take it off!” someone yelled. Stefan raised a thumb into the air and fell into the wall as he twisted himself into knots while trying to remove his shirt. The chants of numbers turned into the chant of ‘take it off’. Hands appeared out of the crowd to help remove the shirt, and then I lost sight of them as cat calls and whistles filled the room. When shirtless bodies rose high into the air, standing on the table and downing the remaining shots, Gabe’s toned body flashed back at me, his t-shirt now slung around his neck.

Haleigh put her fingers into the air and whistled loudly, almost deafening me. When the last shots were done, the glasses were thrown against the wall but since they were only plastic, they ricocheted off and bounced into the crowd. The shirts were next. Stefan threw his into the crowd, then grabbed Gabe’s and did the same, tossing it further, close enough for Haleigh to grab it and bring it to her nose, inhaling Gabe’s scent while winking at me.

I walked away. Well, I tried to walk away but every part of the house was crammed full of people. Even the bathroom had a couple making out in one corner while a girl sat on the toilet relieving herself. I finally found space outside on the steps but the repetitive thud of the music still pounded in my ear.

Drew was already there, his head jerking up in greeting. “Too many people,” he said.

I sunk to the concrete beside him. Drew took a sip of beer and then let the bottle hang loosely in his fingers, dangling it between his legs. When he saw me looking, he tilted it my way. “Want some?”

I shook my head. “I’m pretty sure Gabe has drunk enough for both of us tonight.”

Drew laughed. “So Stefan convinced him, huh?”

“Didn’t take much.”

Laughter spilled out the door behind us. We twisted around in unison to see Gabe in the middle of the dance floor, Haleigh seductively writhing up and down his body as the people cheered them on.

I waited for the pang of jealousy. It didn’t come.

Gabe looked up, caught me watching and blew me a kiss. Somehow, the misshapen shagginess of his hair made him look even younger than he did before the haircut.

“He loves you, you know,” Drew said quietly.

As I watched Gabe move, I noted the way that even as another girl had her body plastered against him, he only had eyes for me. It was the moment that I knew I had to tell him before I hurt him any further.

Detangling himself from Haleigh, Gabe pushed through the crowd, lowering himself to the step behind me and placing his legs either side of my waist, cocooning my body in his. His chin was heavy on my shoulder.

“You want to go home?” he asked.

I pressed my cheek against his and shook my head. “I’m good. You look like you’re having a good time in there. It’s just a little too crowded for my liking. Besides, Drew’s keeping me company out here.”

“You sure?” Gabe got to his feet. He moved across to Drew and wrapped his arms around him, crushing him into a bear-hug.

“Get off.” Drew laughed, pretending to struggle away from the embrace.

“I love you, man,” Gabe said, squishing him hard.

“Put a shirt on,” Drew said, finally breaking free.

Gabe merely laughed and blew me a kiss before disappearing back into the house.

It turned into a struggle when it was finally time to get Gabe home. He was drunk, but happy drunk, flirty drunk, affectionate drunk. He kept trying to kiss me as we drove, and he made a fumbling attempt at convincing me to have sex with him when he fell into bed. But soon he was quietly snoring beside me with his jeans half unbuckled and his shoes still on.

* * *

By the time morning rolled around I felt like I had barely got a wink of sleep. The guilt that ate at me as I lay beside Gabe was unbearable. I couldn’t live like this any longer. I couldn’t go on knowing that I had hurt him, betrayed him the way I did.

“Hey, beautiful,” Gabe said as he woke, rolling over to his side and grinning at me. His hair was scrunched awkwardly, parts sticking upwards, other parts plastered against his scalp.

My heart ached. My throat was raw and my chest tightened with anxiety. I couldn’t drag it out any longer.

“Gabe, I’m so ashamed.”

He sat up, shuffling himself closer as my tears began to fall. “Hey,” he said, brushing one of my tears aside while blinking rapidly to get the sleep out of his eyes. “Hey, it’s okay.” He attempted to put his arm around me but I reeled away, knowing I didn’t deserve his kindness.

“Gabe,” I said. “I’m so sorry.”

He shifted uncomfortably, running a hand through his hair and attempting to smooth it back. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he whispered, his eyes wide as he looked at the space between us. “Whatever it is, it’s okay.”

A sob escaped and I covered my face.

Gabe peeled one hand away and peered at me through the remaining fingers. “You’re beginning to worry me a little here, Lauren. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

“I want to,” I said. “But I can’t.”

Gabe scooted closer. “Yes you can. You can tell me anything. I hate seeing you upset like this. Just tell me.”

I drew in a shaky breath, trying to regain my composure, but as I looked back over at Gabe’s eyes, ones filled with such compassion, another sob racked my body.

“Hey,” Gabe said and pulled me close.

This time I was unable to resist and melted into his body.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he repeated into my hair.

Taking another deep breath, I pulled away so I could look at him as I blurted my confession. “I kissed Tyler.”

Confusion crossed over Gabe’s face and he sat back a little. “Tyler?” he repeated.

I nodded, a nervous knot of guilt and fear twisting in my gut.

“My brother?” he asked.

It was almost as though I could see the thoughts racing through his mind as he processed the information. I expected him to be angry. I expected him to yell and to curse, but he merely sat back from me a little more, and that fraction of distance hurt more than any words, even though I knew I deserved it.

“How did it happen?” he asked finally. “Did he come onto you?”

“No,” I whispered, my voice nearly failing.

“What sort of a kiss? Did he kiss you, or did you kiss him?”

“Does it matter?”

The anger began to rise. “Of course it fucking matters,” he said. “If we talk about it, if I understand, I might be able to move past this. But I sure as hell won’t be able to if I don’t understand. When did it happen? Where did it happen?” His voice rose in volume. “Tell me, Lauren, tell me or I won’t be able to move on from this.”

“But that’s the thing, Gabe,” I said quietly, scared to look up at him. “I don’t want you to move on from it.”

Gabe looked as though someone had just knocked the wind from him. And when he realised what I was saying, all the colour fell from his face. “Fuck,” he cursed. “This is about last night, isn’t it? This is payback for dancing with Haleigh. You want me to feel the same pain as you did, right? You were scared I would cheat on you? You know I’d never do that.” He moved closer again, hesitantly looking over at me, his expression begging for me to tell him this was all made up as a payback over jealousy.

I shook my head. “It has nothing to do with last night.”

“You know she means nothing to me, right?”

I shook my head again, too scared to say the words I needed to make him understand.

“What then? What is this all about? You haven’t—” Gabe swallowed deeply, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he worked to get the words out. “Did you sleep with him?”

“No!” I said quickly, reaching out to take his hands in mine, but he jerked away. “There was a kiss. Nothing else.”

“Nothing else, but the kiss was enough for you to decide you didn’t want to be with me anymore?”

“You would still want me after what I did?”

“If you’re saying it was only a kiss and nothing more, then yes.” He reached across and hesitantly took my hands in his, the ones that had jerked away so violently only seconds before. “Yes, I want you. I will always want you.” The words caught in his throat as tears sprung to his eyes. “Don’t do this to me, Lauren. Don’t do this to us.”

“I have to,” I said, gently removing my hands from where they were trapped under his. “I—I don’t know what to say.”

“You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?” Gabe half snorted, half laughed. “He’s taken you from me. I guess now I know how Clark felt. I deserve this. It's karma.”

“No,” I said. “You don’t deserve any of this. You deserve a girl who wants you just as much as you want her. You deserve someone better than me.”

“But what about what I want, Lauren? Does that not matter?”

“Of course it matters.”

“Just not to you.”

“Yes, it matters to me. That’s why I’m doing this. You deserve so much more than what I’ve given you, Gabe.”

He looked up at me with pleading eyes brimming with tears that were threatening to spill. “But it’s you I want,” he said.

I didn’t know what more to say. My eyes were fixed on the sheet wrapped around his waist and the trail of soft blond hair that covered the space between his belly button and boxers. I was torn between wanting to climb on top of him and comfort him, take away my words with action, but I couldn’t do that. Not when I was this confused inside.

Silently, Gabe rose from the bed, reaching down to gather his clothes from the floor. He walked into the bathroom and moments later appeared fully dressed.

There were no tears in his eyes. There was no anger in his expression. There was only hurt.

And, as a sob rose from my chest, he walked over and pressed a kiss to the top of my head.

“Bye, Lauren.”