GABE

 

 

I tried prying the news out of Lauren but she was tight-lipped. If I was honest, I would have done anything to get out of the dinner with my family. Things never went well when I spent time with them.

Lauren was quiet on the drive up to the holiday house. I tried talking to her, engaging her in conversation, but most of the time she directed her gaze out the window and watched the blurs of green pass by. In the end, I simply let her. There was too much I didn’t want to say. I didn’t want to tell her, or anyone else for that matter, how much I despised the course I was taking. I didn’t want to tell her that thoughts of Isabel had crossed my mind ever since I saw her at the fashion show. Only they weren’t just thoughts of her, they were of her and Clark. How her smile brought back memories of my heart pounding in my chest but also of the guilt. I thought it wouldn’t get to me. So much time had passed, but yet, I still couldn’t block her or Clark from my mind. It wasn’t that I wanted to be with Isabel. Far from it. I wanted to be with Lauren, but I don’t think she could ever understand my loss the same way Isabel had. Although my family never knew, we clung to each other in the days after Clark’s death, only finding solace in each other's arms. But it nearly killed me. The guilt of what I had done, for the hand I played in his death, coupled with the guilt I felt each time I returned to her embrace drowned me. It was why I had to leave. It’s why I hated to be around my family. But here I was again, travelling along the road that would bring me back to them again.

I had no idea why they had called a family dinner. And it annoyed me a little that Lauren wouldn’t tell me. It was as though she was choosing Billie over me, but then I would look over at her, at the wistful glaze in her eyes, at her soft lips and slightly flushed skin and it would all fade away.

God, I loved her. I couldn’t even put into words why. She was everything I never knew I wanted.

Billie welcomed us with the usual sickening display of affection, hugging Lauren tightly and whispering in her ear. Dad nodded and shook my hand, inquiring how my classes were going. I lied and told him they were brilliant. I didn’t need him glaring at me all night.

We had arrived a little late so Tyler and Jake were already at the table when we walked in. Jake engulfed me in a bear hug while Tyler nodded and shook my hand in a way that was so similar to Dad it was spooky. Lauren smiled tightly at them both and took her seat, not noticing the way Tyler’s eyes followed her. I didn’t know how he felt about my girlfriend, but I certainly didn’t appreciate the way he looked at her.

It was the same way I did.

Billie chatted to Lauren throughout the dinner while the rest of us sat around wondering why we had all been called there. Was Dad about to announce some business deal? Was he going to retire, leaving Tyler at the helm of his empire?

It wasn’t until dinner was finished and the conversation had lapsed into an awkward silence that Dad finally cleared his throat.

“Billie and I have an announcement,” he said, looking across at Billie who gazed lovingly back at him. It made me feel a little sick. “Although unplanned, Billie and I are thrilled to announce that we are expecting a child.”

No one said a thing. We all just sat around the table in stunned silence. I looked over at Lauren. She had a tight smile plastered across her face. No wonder she had been acting so strange. Reaching under the table, I squeezed her hand. She briefly glanced at me, before smiling wider.

“Congratulations,” she said to Hamish. “I’m sure you will be thrilled.”

Dad lifted Billie’s hand to his lips, much in the same manner as I had done many times to Lauren. “We are, thank you, Lauren. Boys?” he asked, casting his gaze over each of us.

I picked up my water glass and drank deeply, avoiding his eye. Did he seriously expect us to be happy about this? By the time this kid came into the world there was going to be a twenty-two year age gap between us.

“You’re fucking kidding, right?” Jake asked.

I choked on the water I had just swallowed.

“No, we are not fucking kidding,” Dad replied sternly. “Say congratulations to your step-mother.”

Tyler was the first to speak. “Congratulations Billie,” he said simply, offering no other words.

Lauren leaned close. “Say congratulations,” she urged under her breath.

I looked at her quizzically before muttering congratulations in Billie’s direction.

“Do you know when you’re due?” Lauren’s voice was quiet and polite but I could hear the tightness in it. 

Billie smiled widely. “October.”

Lauren’s hand tightened around mine.

Jake pushed his chair back from the table. “I need a drink,” he said.

“A toast!” Billie exclaimed, clapping her hands. I wondered if she simply didn't pick up on the tension in the room or if she was deliberately choosing to ignore it.

We followed Jake into the lounge where he tossed a whiskey down his throat before filling his glass again.

“To my sons who are here, to the one we loved and lost, and to the one to come,” Hamish said once we all had a glass in our hands.

“It’s a boy?” Lauren asked when no one else did.

“Did I not tell you?” Billie asked, surprised.

“You knew?” Tyler directed his question to Lauren. “Why wouldn’t you warn us?”

Lauren looked down at her glass, tossing her long hair over her shoulder. “It wasn’t my place.”

Hamish’s cell phone rang and he excused himself, Billie following dutifully as he left the room.

“They aren’t fucking serious, are they?” Jake blurted out.

“Why didn’t you warn us?” Tyler demanded of Lauren.

She took a step closer to me, choosing to ignore his question.

“Are you okay?” I asked as she tucked herself into my side.

She nodded but didn’t lift her eyes to meet mine.

“Why didn’t you warn us?” Tyler demanded again.

Lauren tensed by my side. I couldn’t imagine how she must be feeling, standing here in a room filled with my family while they discussed yet another child my father was about to bring into the world when she never could.

“Enough,” I said to Tyler. “It’s got nothing to do with Lauren.”

“I was talking to Lauren, not you,” Tyler shot back, though he wasn’t looking at me, his gaze was firmly on Lauren. “Lauren?” he asked. “Are you not even going to look at me?”

“For god’s sake Tyler, leave her alone,” I said, frustrated. “Billie probably wanted it to be a surprise and asked her not to tell us.”

“Did she?” Tyler asked, his eyes still locked on where Lauren was tucked into my side. I held her tightly. Somehow she seemed smaller than usual, and all I wanted to do was protect her from Tyler’s onslaught. I didn’t know why he was attacking her when it had nothing to do with her. There was no reason other than Tyler was an arsehole. If Billie had asked her not to tell anyone, what other choice did she have?

“And why would she tell you, Tyler?”

Tyler ignored me. “Lauren?” he asked, but his voice was a little softer this time. “Lauren, would you at least acknowledge me?”

Lauren took a step away and looked up at Tyler defiantly. “She asked me not to tell. What was I supposed to do?”

Relief flooded Tyler’s expression at her words. Why did it matter to him whether Lauren told us or not?

“Nothing,” Tyler said. “You were supposed to do nothing. I just wanted to know if you heard me.”

I shook my head, confused by the conversation, and walked over to the bar, pulling a bottle of vodka from the shelf. “Do you want one?” I asked Lauren.

She shook her head. “I’ll drive home.”

“We can stay the night if you’d prefer to have a drink,” I offered.

She shook her head again. “I just want to go home.”

Shrugging, I poured some of the vodka into a glass with a few ice cubes. I didn’t need any mixer.

Lauren sat quietly on the couch as Jake and I laughed over the thought of our father changing nappies. Tyler sat opposite us and stared into his drink, only occasionally bringing it to his lips. Every now and again, I reached out to stroke Lauren’s cheek, bringing her fingers to my lips, but she was lost in a world of her own, her eyes hooded with sadness. Dad and Billie returned, and after about half an hour of Billie retelling the details of her first scan over and over, and listening about her excitement when she heard the heartbeat for the first time, Lauren excused herself and walked outside onto the deck.

Minutes later, Tyler followed.