Epilogue
Marrying you was the best thing I’ve ever done for my vagina.
-Anniversary card
James
“Please everyone, quiet. Kayla, Janie, do you mind?” The principal of Kilgore High School asked.
Through his microphone.
In front of five hundred students, twice as many parents, family of the students, and the entire teaching staff.
Kayla and Janie’s graduation.
Perfect.
Everyone chuckled around me, but I swear that if that girl were not eighteen years old, I would’ve spanked her in front of the entire graduating class if I could have gotten away with it.
There are many things I’ve learned over the years by being a father of three and that was that a strong hand was needed. To hold my beer. Or on those rare occasions, sometimes even whiskey. Because when you live in a household of women, something’s got to take the edge off. Otherwise, a man, such as myself, would go crazy.
“Daddy, you need to lighten up. Janie’s finally graduating. You’re lucky she’s not pregnant and on that reality show ‘Sixteen and Pregnant.’” Scout, our brainiac of a middle child, informed me.
“She’d be on Dateline before I allowed her to be on that show.” I grumbled.
Although Scout wasn’t of my blood, I’d treated her as my own from the very minute that she was brought into my life. I still remember that day as if it was yesterday. But most importantly, I remember how our family gathered around the newest member of the Free family, and cherished her like she was always meant to be cherished.
***
Twelve years ago
First night home with the new baby
“You know. That looks an awful lot like Cat. Are you sure you’re not going to mix the two up?” Janie asked me from her perch at my side.
I looked down at the sleeping infant, Scout, in my arms and smiled.
“She does look a lot like Cat, doesn’t she?” I agreed.
“Don’t let Jack take the baby though. She’s ours.” Janie said, narrowing her eyes at Jack as he laughed at what my daughter had just said.
Janie was very protective of Scout.
As soon as we’d pulled into the driveway, Janie had rushed forward, eager to meet the newest member of our family. She’d even been the one to pick out Scout’s name.
“We’ll make sure he stays on the straight and narrow. Don’t worry.” I said, handing the baby off to Cheyenne as she cooed and cawed at her.
“Jesus, Cheyenne. You sound like a motherfucking bird. Can’t you keep your sounds straight?” Ember growled as she stared at the baby. “Let me hold her, you’ve had her long enough.”
“She fits in great.” Shiloh exclaimed from my side.
I held my arm up, and she fit her body into mine, encircling her arms around my torso. “Yep. Knew she would.”
“Me too.” She joked.
“Who’s next?” Elliott asked the group.
“Next as in next to have a kid... or next as in next to get pregnant?” Blaine clarified.
“Pregnant. Gabe already knocked Ember up. So she doesn’t count.” Elliott quipped.
“That would be me. Found out this morning. Congratulations, honey.” Blaine said mirthfully.
Elliott paled. “Oh, shit.”
Champagne was uncorked, and a celebration commenced. Not only for the newest member of Free, but also for the members to be. I was glad that my children had this to grow up around, because they would always have the love and protection of any one of the people in this room, no matter what.
A person needed that, regardless of age, and I valued it for what it was.
Happiness.
***
Present day
“Janie Allen, our salutatorian, graduates with honors with thirty two college semester hours, a 3.97 GPA, perfect attendance, and will be attending the University of A&M in College Station, Texas.” The principal called through the microphone.
At the mention of Janie’s name, our entire group roared. Shiloh was up on her feet, standing on top of the bleachers, stomping and yelling for all she was worth.
“That’s my girl!” Shiloh screamed.
I smiled, hooking my arm around Shiloh’s waist just in case she decided to slip off the bleacher and break her arm for a fifth time.
And yes, I do mean fifth. She not only did it one more time since she was kidnapped, but twice, once at the beginning of her pregnancy with Rebel, and once at the end.
The fifth time she broke her arm was the night she’d gone into labor with Rebel. Emmaline was my baby. She was ten years old, and our last child. We’d originally planned to try for more, but sadly, it wasn’t meant to be.
The memory of the day Emmaline, AKA Rebel, was born was still ingrained in my mind. Like a hot brand that would forever be a reminder of a time in my life that I literally felt like everything was falling apart.
***
Ten years ago
October
It was Halloween.
The day I dreaded the most out of any day of the year.
For some reason, this was the night that every single irrational person in the small city of Kilgore decided to let their crazy out to play. I’d been introduced to the night three years ago when I’d started with the Kilgore SWAT team, and each subsequent year got worse and worse. Somehow topping the year before it.
I’d managed to get out the door with the kids dressed in their matching Raggedy Anne outfits, and even to the first house before my pager went off.
I’d left a very pregnant Shiloh in the hands of her brothers, Cheyenne, and my mother, before jogging all the way back home, hopping onto my bike, and arriving at the station, only to turn around and head back home. It’d been a false alarm, and I was annoyed with damn near everyone who crossed my path.
I didn’t want to leave Shiloh, not with her four days past her due date and walking around the city. Before I’d left the station to head back home, I’d informed the Captain that I would be taking my leave effective immediately.
When I got home, I’d checked with Sam, and met back up with the group at a very old home that was one of the oldest in our neighborhood.
It was the type of house that you had to practically climb up a hill to get to the front door.
Cheyenne had Janie in front of her, and her youngest child’s hand in one of hers while the other held the hand of Scout. Sam was sandwiched between the twins, and Shiloh followed up in the rear.
Just as Shiloh approached midway down, two teenagers came barreling down the steps with the entire bowl of candy from the house, with the owner yelling at them about their rude behavior.
Instead of avoiding our slow moving group, they’d decided to plow straight through them. I watched in horror as the two teenagers blasted through them, causing not only the kids to fall, but to my utter horror, Shiloh as well.
Where the kids had been lucky, having the parents right there to catch them, Shiloh hadn’t been as fortunate. The massive weight of her belly altered her balance, and she teetered forward, and then backward before her heels slipped out from underneath of her.
She’d managed to control her fall somewhat by throwing her arm out and maneuvering her body to the side so she didn’t fall on the children, but endangered herself more in the process.
She’d hit the rock pathway first, causing the same arm she’d broken so many times before to break like like a match stick. Then she rolled down the steep slope until she came to rest at the very bottom in a crumpled mess.
It all took no less than thirty seconds, but in that thirty seconds, time felt like it slowed down to a crawl.
I’d watched in dismay as she fell, and I’d moved, but there was nothing I could do but witness the entire ordeal.
She’d been in a lot of pain once she came to a standstill and covered from head to toe in blood. In the ambulance, she’d coded twice, and as soon as she was rushed to the hospital, I was informed that the placenta had detached from the uterine wall during her fall. She was rushed into surgery ruthlessly fast in a vain attempt to save the baby’s life, even though nobody was optimistic, not even myself.
I’d collapsed into the closest chair that allowed me to see the operating room they’d taken her into, and waited for over an hour before I was given any news.
A nurse was the first to exit, and in her arms, she held a precious bundle of pink swaddled closely to her chest. She deposited the baby into my arms before telling me the outcome.
“Your wife is currently still being operated on. They were able to get the baby out in time; however, due to the damage caused by the abruption, the bleeding couldn’t be stopped. The doctor’s in the process of removing Shiloh’s uterus in an attempt to get the bleeding under control.” The nurse explained
The baby and I waited another forty-five minutes for news.
I felt like Kevin Bacon in that movie She’s Having A Baby. I was totally and utterly lost. I had a baby, but no Shiloh. And although the baby was absolutely beautiful, I couldn’t celebrate yet, which made me feel like a big pile of shit.
I berated myself for hours on what I could’ve done differently, what I should be doing differently even now, but only managed to grab a hold of my overloaded emotions when the same nurse returned with a wide smile on my face.
I took a deep breath, and thanked the nurse, waited for her to round the corner, and then promptly fell apart.
I knew I was being watched.
I knew my brothers, as well as family and friends were just down the hall, and that nurses were watching me lose it, but I couldn’t help it.
I looked at that baby, the one that had Shiloh’s beautiful brown hair, and her big precious eyes, and I wept.
Or like Shiloh liked to say, watered my beard.
The good news was my wife was okay. My baby was okay. The bad news? My heart would never be the same.
***
Present
Rebel scooted closer into my side, burrowing in behind me, holding on while we all cheered for Janie.
At ten years old, she was hell on wheels, and she was daddy’s little girl for sure.
She lived for the opportunity to watch daddy shoot, work on motorcycles, wash the car, or even play a video game.
Where I was, she was, much to Shiloh’s annoyance.
In Rebel’s eyes, I could do no wrong.
“Daddy, lift me up. I can’t see Janie.” She yelled.
I did as instructed, and we all watched as Janie crossed the stage, biker boots and all, to accept her diploma.
“Thank God.” Shiloh muttered quietly from beside me.
I looked down into her beautiful face.
She was a little older now, a little more curvy. Her hair had pale silver strands that threaded through her brown locks here and there, but not in one single way did it detract from her beauty.
She was still just as loving and caring now, if not more so, than she’d been when I’d met her twelve years ago. “You can say that again.” I declared, smiling down at her.
Her eyes warmed as she looked from my smile to my daughter that was perched on the top of my shoulders. “One down, two to go.” She said, eyes twinkling.
“And now, I’d like to present to you the 2026 class Valedictorian, Kayla Nash!” The principal cheered.
Around us, our little family roared.
Kayla hadn’t led an easy life.
At the age of two, she’d lost her father, and one of my best friends, to the war in Iraq.
Eight years later, she lost her only other living relative, to cancer.
She’d moved in with us a couple of months before her grandmother had gotten too sick, where she’d remained for the last eight years. Each Sunday, like clockwork, she’d visit her father and grandmother, who were buried next to Kayla’s grandfather. There, she’d tell them her hopes and dreams, and goal of becoming the valedictorian, and then on to become a doctor that searched for a cure for cancer.
Every bit of instinct I possessed knew she’d accomplish that goal, too.
“Hello, class of 2026!” Kayla yelled into the microphone.
She was beautiful, and to see her standing there, wearing her yellow sash that declared her at the top of her class, I got a little teary eyed thinking about all that Dougie had missed when he’d died.
“One of my biggest motivators to be where I am today is because of one man.” She said, swallowing thickly. “He’s in heaven, and I call him daddy.”
Silence reined at her announcement, and I heard Cheyenne lose her battle with tears next to me.
“Sixteen years ago, he died protecting his country. He died doing what he loved. He died being a hero. My hero.” Kayla finished on a whisper.
Her tears spilled over her cheeks, but the waver in her voice didn’t stop her.
“He wrote me a letter while he was over there, and had one of his best friends in the world bring it home to me, to keep it safe until I was old enough to understand it.” Kayla said. “I’m going to read it to you, and maybe you’ll find inspiration in what he’s written to me, too. Or maybe once you leave here, there won’t be one single thing you enjoyed about my speech, but you’ll forever remember this letter. You’ll remember it when you need it the most, just like I have.”
She cleared her throat, and then started reading.
Pumpkin,
I’m writing this letter on a beautiful sunny day in the middle of an open desert.
Although you might not know it, I loved you very much. You were my world. From the moment I first saw you, I knew you’d become something great. Something this world has never experienced before.
I’ve been instructed to carry out one final mission before I come home. I have one of the greatest men the world has ever been blessed with at my side, and we’re going into hostile territory. Although it’s supposed to be routine, I want to write this letter to you, just in case. Which means, that if this letter is currently in your hands right now, I didn’t make it.
I want to impart on you some wisdom that I’ve learned.
The world is not a very nice place.
There are people in this world who will constantly bring you down. However, there are also people in this world that will help raise you up. Make you a person that you are proud to be.
You will find, many times in your life, things do not go your way.
During those times, I want you to take a step back, and analyze the situation. I want you to notice, not only with your eyes, but also with all your other senses, the root of the situation. I want you to be aware. I want you to be prepared. And I want you to be forgiving.
The world can use more forgiveness.
I’ve learned those things too late in life to put them to use, but you, my bright, young daughter, have the whole world ahead of you. You can do anything you want to. Be anything you want to be.
Although I’m gone, I will never stray far from your side. I will forever be watching you, holding you up in times of need, laughing with you when you see a funny movie, and holding your hand when you need to just cry.
It tears my heart in two that you are going to marry someday, and I won’t be there to witness it. That I won’t have that opportunity to walk you down the aisle. However, someday, you will find that perfect someone, and you will make a life with him. You will have children of your own someday and only then will you know the feeling of your heart walking around outside your body.
Only then will you know that it takes compassion and sacrifice to get to where you want to be, be who you want to be.
Remember to always follow the Golden Rule- Treat others the way you wish to be treated.
Lastly, do not forget that I love you. I will always be proud of you, and I will never think that you are anything less than perfect.
Always put your trust in God, because he will never steer you wrong.
Love, Daddy.
I found myself burying my head into Shiloh’s neck, trying my hardest to stem the flow of tears, but it didn’t work.
That man, Dougie, was one of the best men in the world, and it still made my heart ache each and every day to think about him not being here. To see his daughter bloom into a beautiful young woman. To know that he won’t ever be there to witness her accomplishments.
However, to this day, I still remember the last thing that Dougie ever said to me.
Ride like the wind. Know what it feels like to be free. That’s where I’ll be.
***
“James!” Shiloh yelled from the kitchen.
“What?” I yelled back, not getting up from my recliner in the basement.
My haven.
My vacation from the estrogen factory.
I’d declared it mine about five years after Scout was born.
I loved the shit out of the women in my life, but about eight years of dealing with endless girl shit, I declared the basement a girl free zone. This was my territory. A place where I could leave my shit around, cuss, spill my beer without cleaning it up, and watch a cop show without my girls bitching about missing Project fucking Runway.
Shiloh showed at the top of the stairs a few moments later.
She was in a pair of extremely short pajama shorts, and an old SWAT t-shirt of mine.
My blood heated at the sight of her. She was even more beautiful now than she was when I met her all those years ago.
“Kayla went to go visit Dougie.” She said.
My eyes watched the play of emotions that came and went on my wife’s face. “When?”
I knew she’d go. I just hadn’t expected her to do it on her graduation night.
“She left about five minutes ago.” Shiloh explained.
Sighing, I stood up, grabbed the t-shirt that was laying on the back of the recliner, and tugged it on over my head. Walking up the stairs, I gave Shiloh a peck on the lips and a smack on the ass as I passed, and walked through the back door and out into the night.
It wasn’t until I was passing the damn thing that I realized that Kayla and Kayla’s car were still in the driveway.
She was sitting in the driver’s seat with her head resting on the steering wheel. Her hair was still curly from her graduation ceremony, covering her face from my view.
I stopped next to the door, opened it, and crouched down. “What’s wrong, pretty girl?”
Kayla’s eyes met mine, and I realized she was crying.
I knew why, too. It didn’t take a genius. Today was a big day for her. It was life changing. And life changing events make you realize what you do and don’t have any longer.
“I miss my dad.” She sniffled.
Knowing what she needed, I stood and offered my hand.
“You want to go visit him?” I asked, looking into her watery eyes.
She nodded, handed me her keys, which I pocketed, and followed me to the bike.
An hour later, I heard Kayla’s hesitant voice in my ear. “Not that I don’t love riding with you, but we’re not going the right way. The cemetery’s that way.” She said, pointing in the opposite direction.
Before I answered, I pulled over, wanting to explain a little better without the distraction of road noise before we continued.
I didn’t turn around though. Instead, I stared out at the sun setting low in the sky. The pink, orange, and bluish hues of the sky making the perfect backdrop for what I had in mind.
“I don’t think of your dad being buried in that cemetery. That’s not really where he’s at. Sure, that’s where his remains are, but I feel him the most when I’m out riding. Remembering the laughter in his voice when he told a stupid joke. Remembering how much he loved you, and bragged about you when you were a little girl. The way he protected us during our missions. The way he treated his mother like a queen.”
“That why you don’t visit the grave anymore, J?” Kayla whispered, leaning her head against my back.
“I visit. I just don’t want anybody watching when I water my beard, so I go alone.” I teased.
Kayla snorted. “Show me more of my dad.”
So I did, telling old goofy stories of him through the headset built in to the helmet.
We drove until I could feel Kayla’s head leaning so heavily against my back that I knew she’d be asleep soon if I didn’t take her home.
I hadn’t intended to drive so long, but it was nice to show Kayla how I remembered her dad. Commemorated his existence.
I pulled the old Harley into the driveway and got Kayla settled into her room before I ran a check over the house. I locked the doors, checked the windows, fed the dog, and checked on the kids, before heading in to my own room and stripping my clothes off.
I eased down in the bed as carefully as possible, but as always, I woke her when I looped my arms around her.
“What time is it?” She asked as I pulled her warm body closer into my arms.
“Little after three.” I murmured, running my face along her naked, exposed neck.
“What took so long?” She asked.
“I was showing Shiloh how I visited Dougie.” I rasped, snuggling even closer into her soft pliant body.
“As long as you didn’t show her how fast you normally visit him, we’re good.” She snorted softly.
“I’d never do that with Kayla. Only with you, baby.”
“Yeah, I’m sure Dougie wouldn’t like you showing her how to ride it like you stole it.” She laughed quietly.
The woman always knew the right thing to say. I’d be lost without her.
“No, he definitely would not.” He said, closing his eyes and drifting off, knowing he’d wake in the morning to another beautiful day with his little slice of heaven.
My Texas Tornado.
The End