Chapter Four
This had never happened before. Not even with someone as sweetly inexperienced as young Thomas Fitzroy. Normally people of both sexes and any age would leap at the opportunity to sleep with him. Or at least, the ones who were interested in him would. There may be some coyness, or some naivete. They may resist the first invitation, only to desperately seek him come the end of the night. But once he had seen that flame of desire in their eyes, he knew they were his.
And yet... Thomas had not been.
Thomas had been interested in him. Thomas had desired him. And Thomas had left.
It just made no sense. No matter how inexperienced, no matter how righteously offended, no matter how shy, someone who desired him as much as Thomas did should have eventually come back to his arms. But Christopher had a faint suspicion he would never see the young man again.
Sitting at his breakfast table, he had no appetite. All he could think about was his rejection and how deeply it had hurt.
“Wonderful ball last night, Sir,” said the butler politely.
Christopher nodded. “Thank you. You quite outdid yourself.”
“Only following your elaborate and carefully plotted instructions, Sir,” the butler replied.
“Of course, but if you were no good at carrying out my visions I would no longer employ you,” Christopher replied with a laugh.
“I saw you wander out with a young friend, Sir,” remarked the butler as he poured Christopher's tea.
Christopher shook his head. “Let us not speak of him...”
“No luck?” the butler asked.
Christopher shook his head again. “No... He is not worth worrying over.”
“Very well, Sir.” The butler finished preparing the tea, then stood back to allow Christopher to eat his breakfast in peace.
But now Thomas was even more on his mind than before.
He did not mean to hurt anyone. He knew, of course, that less experienced partners may be a little nervous. But... Perhaps he had pushed things too far? He was concerned he had come across as too pushy. His only intention had been to enjoy an evening with a young man he had found attractive. To teach this young man about the joys and safety of loving men. The last thing he wanted was to scare him away, to possibly make him fearful of loving another man. And he was concerned he had done just that.
Ordinarily he would take rejection in his stride. Misreading someone's cues was all part of any social activity. And being turned down by someone who desired him so intensely usually resulted in them coming to look for him later anyway. Being rejected had never hurt before, and he had always been able to rationalize it away.
Usually he would also take offending people in his stride. Again, it was all part of being a man of his status in society. If someone was offended then that was their problem, not his problem. He had learned that sooner or later someone would take offense to something he did, and that if he let them use their offense against him then he would never be able to live life as he pleased.
But this time, with Thomas, it was different. He had not felt such a yearning for years. Everything positive and beautiful he had ever felt for a person, he felt for this man. He had never believed in love at first sight. But this was not at first sight. It had been lust at first sight, sure.
But after talking to Thomas, however briefly, he had caught a glimpse of something so pure and beautiful his heart had melted. There was something in Thomas which was so sorely lacking in the rest of all the world as he had seen it, and he wanted to take that precious something and treasure and protect it forever.
Yes, he was decided. He would not let this one experience ruin Thomas’ impression of him, or of love, forever. He would make sure things were right, whether he was accepted or rejected this time.
“Butler, come here,” he said.
“Yes, Sir?” the butler asked, walking over to the table and bowing.
“I would like to know where the Baron Fitzroy lives,” Christopher said coolly.
“Very well, Sir,” the butler replied.
Christopher knew that his butler would have some suspicions, but he also knew that he was too well paid to raise any complaints. He went about the rest of his morning with a slight sensation of anxiety. He feared he had been given a false name, that they were not local, that anything would interfere and he would never see Thomas again.
But he didn't need to worry.
It did not take long at all before he had the address in his hand. Normally, someone would have to think of some pretense to drop by on a family they did not know. His status allowed Christopher to bypass such conventions.
No, he simply put on his coat and shoes, ordered for his carriage to be prepared, and set off to meet them. Unless they were out, there was no justifiable reason why any Baron and Baroness would turn away the son of a Duke. All he had to do was appear and he would receive the treatment to which he was accustomed.
As he expected, not only were they home, but when they heard who was calling, they immediately invited him in and sent some servants to find a suitable drink for his palate. Within minutes of arriving he was sitting in an armchair by the fire, sipping on a well-aged brandy, talking to Thomas’ oblivious mother as they waited for Thomas or his father to return home from some business each had about town.
Baroness Fitzroy was a surprisingly pleasant woman. Christopher had heard a little about her, and none of it had been good. He had heard that she was an obnoxious, haughty, ignorant woman who dedicated her life to gossip and spending.
Christopher found her a somewhat abrasive personality, to be sure. She was a little loud and definitely haughty. But she was also attentive, graceful, and educated. Christopher was unsure whether she was simply putting on an excellent act for him, or whether she was another victim of jealousy and confusion.
As they talked about this and that, he heard the heavy front door swing shut and a flurry of footsteps about the house. Although it was a much smaller and more moderate building than his own home, they employed many more staff, and it seemed as though all of them were busy. For the amount of fuss, he had expected to see Baron Fitzroy in the doorway a few moments later.
But it was a familiar shy face instead.
Christopher smiled.
“Ah, Thomas, His Grace Christopher Godwin is here to see you,” Baroness Fitzroy said, positively beaming.
Thomas looked as though he were about to faint. The color left his face and his eyes grew wide. He forced out a nervous smile. “Good morning, Your Grace,” he said in a rushed voice.
“Good morning, I was just stopping by to make sure you were doing well,” he said with a faint smile. “You seemed a little peaky yesterday.”
“Oh, that is nothing unusual for Thomas, Your Grace,” Baroness Fitzroy began before Thomas himself could say anything. “He is often sickly, and he has always been a shy person.”
Christopher nodded, quickly realizing that the conversation between himself and Thomas would certainly never take place if Thomas were not allowed to speak for himself. “Besides, I had not met him before. And I pride myself in knowing everyone of importance. So I knew I needed to make your acquaintances properly,” he added.
“Well of course,” Baroness Fitzroy said. “To think we have been neighbors all these years and never met!”
He nodded. “Well, I do not usually live in the country. It is only in recent years I have permanently returned to England from my travels, and only in the last few months that I have taken the manor as my official residence.”
“Why yes and I suppose—”
“Actually, I wanted to speak to Thomas some more today,” Christopher interrupted. “We have had a wonderful conversation, but it would be nice to speak to him now.”
“Yes... of course...” Baroness Fitzroy replied, casting a stern glance in Thomas’ direction.
“Come, let us talk...” Christopher said, standing up. He suddenly felt very tense, as though the fate of the world depended on Thomas’ reply.
Thomas still seemed nervous, but he smiled and nodded. “Of course. Would Your Grace like to walk with me in the garden?”
“On such a cold day, Thomas? Honestly, I—”
“No, a walk would be splendid. Does wonders for the constitution,” Christopher interrupted Baroness Fitzroy once again. “I shall make sure to see you again before I depart. Lovely making your acquaintance.”
He breathed a short sigh of relief as they left the house and shut the door behind them. He knew that Baroness Fitzroy would be watching from the windows. Everyone liked a bit of gossip, especially about someone of his status. But at least if they were in the garden she would not be able to hear them.
“Good thinking, Thomas,” he said, smiling at the younger man.
“I suppose you want to talk about indecent matters yet again, Your Grace,” Thomas replied, his cheeks flushed.
“Of course. Always. And do call me Chris,” he insisted.
“Pardon me, Chris,” Thomas replied nervously. “Although I am still not sure why you are here.”
“Do I need a reason to spend time in the company of a charming young man?” he asked.
“Yes, you do. And I am not charming. You heard my mother. I am sickly and shy,” Thomas replied somewhat bitterly.
“I do find you charming, though,” Christopher said as they walked down the garden together. “That is why I have sought you out. I... I did not intend to insult you yesterday. Nor to scare you.”
Thomas fell silent. The polite thing to do would be to insist he had been neither insulted nor scared. Even if he had been. “I was more confused than anything else,” he finally said.
Christopher nodded. “And for that I apologize. I simply found you incredibly attractive. I have not found anyone quite so attractive in a long time. And I acted rashly, which was wrong. You are young, and inexperienced. I do not want your first experience of myself, or of men, to be an unpleasant one.”
Thomas sighed a little and shook his head. “It was not.”
“I would like to start over,” Christopher requested, glancing back over his shoulder. The house had disappeared behind some hedges, so he reached out and held Thomas’ hand. “If you would not mind.”
Thomas seized up as soon as Christopher took his hand. “I am not sure I am capable of this,” he whispered.
“You are. And it is beautiful. And you deserve it.” Christopher pulled Thomas’ hand, forcing him to turn around.
“I am not ready yet,” Thomas replied.
“Would you at least give me an opportunity? I would like to show you how much love, how much goodness there is in the world for people like you or I,” he explained, caressing Thomas’ hand tenderly.
Thomas sighed.
“You are under no obligation to do or say anything. It is not as with courting a woman. There is no pressure. No end goal. Just love for its own sake,” Christopher said.
Thomas nodded. “Very well. I shall give you an opportunity. But please, do not let anyone ever find out,” he said, slipping his hand out from Christopher's grasp.
Christopher felt his heart soar. It just felt so right. All these years and he had never felt anything quite like it. Was this what it felt like to fall in love? “I promise, it will be between you and me.”
Walking back up the garden, he was surprised, but not shocked, to find Baroness Fitzroy waiting for them. He was beginning to see what the rumors had been about. She may not be harmful, but she was definitely intrusive. There was not enough wrong with her to raise a complaint, but, then again, there was not enough right with her to justify all her small, irritating flaws.
“Please, do stay for lunch, Your Grace,” Baroness Fitzroy said, trying not to sound too desperate and failing a little, “Your Grace could meet my daughter, Delilah.”
The pieces fell into place for Christopher. No wonder she was so eager to spend more time with him, and to have him around. He was not just another wealthy, high status man to her. He was a single, wealthy, high status man. He could have burst out laughing, but he resisted.
Everyone wanted a piece of him. Of his wealth and his power, that is. Everyone wanted to be next in line to become a Duchess. Or the mother of a Duchess. He would be offended if it were not always so transparent. He could not stand such people, and his impression of Baroness Fitzroy completed its turnaround.
But he was not averse to taking advantage of such circumstances. Staying would, of course, mean more time with Thomas, before, during, and possibly even after lunch.
“Of course, it would be a pleasure,” he replied with a smile. “How shall we pass the time until lunch, Thomas?”
Thomas was blushing slightly and, averting his gaze, shrugged a little. “However it would please you... Your Grace.”
“Do you play piano at all?” Christopher asked.
Thomas nodded. “A little, Your Grace.”
“Then we shall play piano, kindly show me the way,” he requested.
Baroness Fitzroy simply seemed happy that he would be staying for lunch and followed them indoors before excusing herself and marching off down the hallway with a determined stride. No doubt she was going to ensure that the meal would be perfect and that her daughter would be dressed to impress.
The room was busy with books and letters, and a great globe stood in the middle of a table, in the center of the room, no doubt a hand-crafted masterpiece with delicate inlays and lettering. Christopher appreciated that sort of design, usually. Right now he had something far more beautiful to behold, and to explore.
As Thomas sat down before the piano, Christopher closed the door gently, feeling grateful that two unwed men, left alone in a room, would not need a chaperon. It was always difficult to get some quality time with women he fancied. But this was so simple...
He sat down on the piano bench beside Thomas and smiled. “Alone again,” he said softly. He raised his hand to caress Thomas’ hair gently.
Thomas seemed a little nervous.
“If you wish for me to leave, you can just ask me to,” Christopher said. “I wish you no harm.”
Thomas shook his head. “Not at all. Just... be careful. We do not want anyone else to come in and see anything they ought not to.”
“Of course not,” Christopher agreed, leaning in and pressing his lips to Thomas’ cheek. The younger man's skin felt so soft and smelled of sweet lavender soap.
Thomas froze and shivered a little. He was so sweet, so gentle, so pure... Christopher continued planting kisses over Thomas’ cheek and neck, lightly and tenderly.
At first Thomas just waited there and let himself be kissed. But then, with a soft sigh, he turned his head to face Christopher. His pupils were dilated. His lips were flushed and parted. He leaned forward.
Christopher leaned in and pressed his lips to Thomas’. The thought crossed his mind that this was probably the young man's first kiss. He raised his hand and ran his fingers through Thomas’ hair as he kissed him more lovingly and more passionately than he had ever kissed anyone before.